Reconnected with ex recently... but I am not single

So; long story....

I'll start with the very beginning; met an amazing guy in 2010. We got together and had an amazing four year relationship. We had the best and worst of times together. Unfortunately in 2014 we decided to call it a day. We were both at different places in life, I was too young; too needy, too possessive and very controlling. We were in each others pockets too much and ended up clashing as a result. We did not do very well at breaking up, a few months passed and we started spending time together again and almost falling back into a relationship. Eventually I decided that I had to get away to at least attempt to get over it and took myself abroad for most of the year to try to clear my head. We saw each other occasionally since then, and every time we have ended up sleeping together, or acting like we are a couple. We have tried no contact, we have avoided each other and we have had other relationships but each time we end up drawn back together.

I started another relationship in 2015 that made me realise how bad I had been to my ex when we were together. The guy I was in a relationship with was me five years ago; needy, possessive and controlling and the realisation of how he must have felt when I was like that hit me like a tonne of bricks. I apologised to the ex and we began getting closer but I had my guard up and then in 2016 met someone else. I have been dating that guy ever since (2 years now)

So, I recently attended a summer festival with my friends abroad and my ex was there. We spent a lot of time together and I feel like I did the first time we met. We danced together, ate together, held hands and at one point he accidentally introduced me to someone as his 'other half'. I did not query it, in fact it made me feel very happy... I still love him, and have now had the verification that he never stopped loving me since the day we met. Ordinarily, this would be a great thing, except...

I am in a relationship. The guy I am with is perfect, on paper. He is kind, caring and very loving but just not very involved in my life. Not that I want someone around the whole time, but he is literally absent from so many of the things that make me 'me'. He has never met the majority of my friends, and so you can imagine how difficult it was to see my ex there integrating with those nearest to me who have never met my current partner.

The current partner is very work oriented; I have recently had to have a serious chat with him about spending time with me (and how I am not willing to feel lonely in a relationship) and in his defence he did pull his finger out and make necessary changes to spend time with me. But deep down I do know that I am somewhat bored; that perhaps we are not compatible. We are complete polar opposites... and the last few days spent hanging out with my ex have made me realise how similar we actually are.

Since returning home I have literally been racking my brains over what to do. I am still in love with my ex after all this time, and I know that it is unfair to carry on with someone else when I am having these feelings. But then I feel like I do love my current partner as well... although I feel like he does not know me. He has this vision of me, almost the side of me that he wants to see, but the reality is there is so much about me he does not know at all and almost seems unwilling to find out. I don't want a partner who is never involved in the fun parts of my life! The idea that I have my friends, he has his and we never co-mingle seems so odd to me. My friends, in some cases, are closer than family and he does not know anything about them. I have suggested he get to know some of them, invited him out but each time have come up against excuses or simply hit a brick wall where he has not bothered.

I know that people will say getting back with the ex is a bad move, but we are in our 30s now - we split in our mid 20s and a lot has changed since then. Has anyone ever found themselves in this situation or similar? What would you do? I feel so lost and confused at the moment!

End it with the bf. Not fair to him, and you are emotionally cheating. Selfish.

If your ex knew that you were in a relationship, his wining and dining behavior was inappropriate and so was yours. You guys didn't work. you say there was an age difference, but now you are the same age (you said you were too young). I really do think that you are in love with what might have been if you had both been different people. I think that you need to be careful here, because some people easily declare their love to people who are not available (married, in another relationship, living in another country), but then when they become available, they bail. He may have said he hadn't stopped loving you as a form of closure - something that needed to be said --- but was he actually single and did he ask to get back together or was he just caught in the moment?

I think you need to cut him out of your life once again and focus on your current boyfriend - who seems to have made adjustments for you. if you don't want to be with him, break up with him, but don't jump into your ex's arms. Also, could it be that your boyfriend doesn't know all your friends because you have not included your boyfriend in things? and also, have you learned that you need to be good at entertaining yourself or being comfortable in your own skin? That a guy doesn't HAVE to be at your side every moment.

I should have clarified; too young mentally. I needed to do a lot of growing up (as did he!) But I don't think it is a case of if we had been different people. We are actually really stupidly compatible and a few things went wrong that were also out of our control (distance was a big one, and neither of us were in a position to be able to move to be together properly) He did say that he had never stopped loving me after the festival had ended, as I had said that I would not make contact. He made the contact with me, and again I know that perhaps on his part it is pretty bad knowing that I am in a relationship, but I truly believe him. He has not had another relationship in the years that we have been split and I have had the opportunity to get back with him... and each time it was me that rejected it.

I know that our behaviour was inappropriate, but it feels right and I don't know what to do for the best.

With regards to the current boyfriend; he has had ample opportunity to meet my friends. I have included him in everything but he has this odd belief that we do not need to do things with friends (Even though my friends are a HUGE part of my life!) We do a lot together - but never with others. It is almost like I have two lives, one with him and one where he is non existent.

I am absolutely fine at entertaining myself and the people who know me would probably say I am very at peace with myself; I love my 'me' time and the last thing I would want is someone by my side at every moment. But it would be nice to be able to attend the events I love and have my partner there from time to time. I have other friends in relationships; sometimes they go out together, sometimes you'll only see one of them but we know each other and their partners. Some of my friends have never met the boyfriend and it really is not through want of trying to get him to participate. So you can imagine that seeing my ex, mingling with my friends and having a great time could spin me out a little!

It's not healthy to do everything together. He should be more involved with your life.

If you love the other guy, then end it with the bf.

Yep, I don't want him there for every event with friends... but in two years he has attended approximately nothing. We have done a fair amount together, and I have attended events with his friends but then when it comes to doing things with my social circle he is not interested.

I need to have a long hard think about what I want to be honest. I do not believe in running straight into another relationship and so would need to have a cooling off period afterwards before I went back into anything else; ex or otherwise. Although With so much water under the bridge and so many different circumstances I am coming to the conclusion that the ex is the only person who really gets me. Even so... there would need to be that period, starting from scratch...

Well, this is a kind of typical relationship story when there isn't a big fight and everyone leaves bitter and resentful. Instead, over the 8 years, you're grown to be both friends and lovers. The big question is whether you've actually changed enough to make your relationship work again. When people write about being "too needy, too possessive and very controlling," those are the key elements in an emotional abuse situation.

It's easy to see that you were drawn back to your old boyfriend because you're bored in your present relationship. But there's a big helping of that needy, possessive and controlling behavior showing in what you want from your current boyfriend, especially telling him what he needs to do for you to make you happy. For example, why is it important for him to hang around with a group of your friends who are strangers to him when he has his own friends? Are you trying to isolate him from his friends? That's another aspect of a controlling personality.

I'm afraid if you go back to your old boyfriend, you may fall into the same rut that you were before. What is going to be different this time? Just a little bit more maturity?

So what to do? Well, you're leaning towards dumping your present boyfriend and going back to your ex. Will you guys be able to keep it all together? That's the big question. I don't know. You probably don't know.

No matter what you do, I would warn you to keep your controlling personality in check. If the person isn't the kind of person you want, then try to find the right person rather than trying to fix the current person. If you can do that, then you can have a successful relationship with whomever you choose.

I’ve posted on here many times and i don’t know why so many responses twist things to be way different/worse than it probably is. I think it’s completely fair to want your boyfriend to be involved with your friends. That does not make you controlling it makes you normal. As for what id do, i would leave the current boyfriend, making sure it’s for reasons not related to the ex. Then i’d take a lot of time to myself to figure out who i am and what i want and get over the current relationship i’m in. Then if down the road the ex still seems to be the best option, id give it another go.

It doesn't sound to me like you've emotionally grown up all that much, if as soon as you run into your ex on a trip, you're back to acting like a couple despite being partnered to someone else. I know to you it feels like a heady love tale, but to me it sounds like you have commitment issues. Your current partner didn't go with you, but he trusted you to do what you live without dishonoring him. I would take a good hard look at yourself and your values instead of worrying about which guy you want to end up with.

PSA:

Hey guys! Listen up!

This is a perfect example of why you shouldn't monkey branch from relationship to relationship without actually healing first!

You two broke up for a reason, but with the way you're acting, you probably deserve one another so enjoy.

It never 'feels right' to betray someone. You aren't star crossed lovers just two yutzes who can get sh*t together and now innocent people have to pay the price.

Shame on you.

I say dump the BF, because he deserves better than someone who isn't happy with him.

Doesn't seem like you have much healing you'll need to do, because if you truly loved your BF, you wouldn't entertain the thought of your ex at all. When you love someone, there's not a single person from the past, present, not future than will tear you away from them. So no, you don't love your BF.

 

What I want to know, is you said the ex introduced you to someone as "his other half"......so he has a gf?

There's going to be some broken hearts here.

The comment means that he considers her (the OP) his partner.

Unfortunately this isn't about your ex, it's about your current relationship unraveling.

To me it seems like you were always in love with your ex.

So maybe u should break things of with this new boyfriend before he gets more invested. Anyways I don't blame you for who u love but since u realized now u don't love this current guy u should let him go.

Thank you for all of the responses, even those that have clearly not entirely read my situation.

For the record; I did not just run into my ex. I knew he was going all along, we have mutual friends and have seen each other on numerous occasions over the last few years. It has been mentioned on more than once by close friends that they think we are meant to be together. Unfortunately, I guess without actually knowing us it is hard for people to understand the connection that is clearly evident between me and my ex.

I know what I need to do, and I know that what is happening is unfair on my current partner which is why I have messaged him and asked to meet as soon as possible. That is, if he actually answers his phone. I have been home from the festival now for four days and he is yet to see me, and has barely messaged with 'Sorry, work stress' messages being the flavour of the day. I want to do this face to face, as that is the kind of person I am and having been let go via text before (or ghosted) I believe that no matter how hard it will be he deserves that. And deserves to know what went wrong.

To those saying don't monkey branch from relationship to relationship; I did not. I left the ex and travelled for almost a year and was single for a further six months when I returned and met the current partner. There was a period of serial monogamy but by no means do I need a relationship to validate myself.

Once I have finished my current relationship I am not intending to go running back to my ex immediately. There needs to be a period of healing beforehand and then things can be assessed once that has passed. Despite how I feel now, I have loved my current partner. We just met at a time when I was at a very different period in my life but that has passed and we have grown apart.

I do not think it is at all weird to want your partner to know your friends; He has not even met them. In two years he has met my oldest friend about three times, one of those very briefly. He has not met my closest friends circle and that strikes me as odd. In this time I have been expected to holiday with his friends, to hang out with his friends and on one occasion where I chose not to was berated for choosing to stay at home. I have been expected to take part in events I have no interest in, while he will quite happily not attend a single event with me because 'It is not his scene'. I hope this paints more of a picture of why I feel the way I do. Perhaps the person who said this is about my relationship unravelling rather than the ex was right...

It would be easy to run straight back into the arms of my ex. But I won't; I am out of the country again for an extended period next year so would not make any judgement on whether we would get back together until my return. If I return, and we meet and the feelings are exactly the same then I think we need to listen to the signs and go for it.

He doesn't need a list of, in your opinion, "what went wrong". If honesty is what you're really after then tell him you've been meeting up with your ex and this most recent meetup is the reason you're dumping him. But blaming him for the breakup with your list of 'what went wrong' is just to cover your tracks. If you're this "kind person" then just tell him it hasn't been working out and skip enumerating his faults or the bit about your ex still being in the picture and this recent epiphany that he's the real love of your life.

I want to do this face to face. And deserves to know what went wrong.

I didn't mean it quite like that - but I think he needs to understand that I have felt pretty isolated in our relationship, even at times when it was good before recent developments. I did once have to give him an ultimatum of 'spend more time with me, or be single, because I cannot feel lonely in a relationship'. This was after seeing each other twice in one month... It really is like a part time relationship.

I don't think he really needs to know entirely about the ex... just that due to recent events I have realised that he is not the one for me. But I guess it can be sugar coated in such a way that I am looking for someone who is more like myself and who enjoys the same things.

I do understand when people say they see a connection there, as it was the same way with my first ex and I. We are friends all these later except he lives across the US and its not possible for us to be together that way. Looking back when he came back for me all those times and wanted marraige I would have. I was too young and too much was happening and so I get it that you want to explore it. Just be certain he feels the same. Sometimes those feelings are there , good feelings, but it doesn't always mean they want a relationship again with you. You've been apart too, and are different people, and you might find even if the physical chemistry is there still, you want different things now. But take the chance.

 

As far as the current BF, definitely let him go so he can find someone who's invested in him. There's no point to stay when you're not happy.

There was always a connection from the first time we clapped eyes on each other at a party... we met completely randomly through mutual friends, were friends for years and we got closer and eventually ended up together. I have never felt such a pure love before, and yes there was so much going on in our lives that at times it was the worst time of my life. But IMHO the good times far outweighed that... we travelled together, we STILL share mutual friends... and just seeing him bonding with my friends old and new has really made me think that there could be a future. The whole thing just goes way beyond a physical attraction to be honest. I think that a lot has changed... and he did once say, before my current relationship, that he thought we would be so much better together now. I laughed it off and even though I agreed I did nothing about it as I guess in some ways I was still not ready. I think it is something I will forever regret if I don't take the chance... But I need time to myself before I make that decision and I think my big trip away will be the perfect head space before jumping ship, so to speak.

I am going to arrange to meet the current BF and tell him everything. That's if he actually picks his phone up this week... I have been home from the festival since Monday; it is now Friday and I have heard very little, let alone seen him...

Wow you sound out for blood. You seem insistent that you must see him face-to-face to tell him off and allude to the fact that 'you've met someone better' or more accurately, lie and say you are "looking" rather than the truth that you have someone lined up.

Geez, you are already emotionally cheating and planning your exit with someone lined up and now you want to stick it to the guy because you chose to stick around this unhappy for this long? Again you are pointing fingers at him to blame him for your emotional cheating. You didn't have the courage to leave before when you gave him your "ultimatum", did you?

I think he needs to understand that I have felt pretty isolated in our relationship. I did once have to give him an ultimatum of 'spend more time with me, or be single, because I cannot feel lonely in a relationship'. I guess it can be sugar coated in such a way that I am looking for someone who is more like myself and who enjoys the same things.

Wow you sound out for blood. You seem insistent that you must see him face-to-face to tell him off and allude to the fact that 'you've met someone better' or more accurately, lie and say you are "looking" rather than the truth that you have someone lined up.

 

Geez, you are already emotionally cheating and planning your exit with someone lined up and now you want to stick it to the guy because you chose to stick around this unhappy for this long? Again you are pointing fingers at him to blame him for your emotional cheating. You didn't have the courage to leave before when you gave him your "ultimatum", did you?

This exactly. Funny how you cheat but he's the devil incarnate. You are a piece of work. The only good thing about all this is your soon to be ex can take solace that you and your star crossed ex who are apparently soul mates but you broke up, will more than likely break up again.

I read everything you said btw. You aren't a victim you're a cheater. You never got over your ex and the second an opportunity presented itself you ran. You clearly can't handle being single or you would have broken up with this 'neglectful' boyfriend long ago. Funny how you can leave now that someone else is lined up. The definition of monkey branching. Grow up.

you have a "connection" because you know eachother and have a past. If i meet someone from my old neighborhood or a friend of my cousin's at a party - people will see the natural flow of conversation that we have together and they will see a "connection" - its nothing cosmic or fate-related -- its - hey -- we actually know eachother. Its not a "sign" that people "see a connection".

I do think its awfully cruel that you are saying "i need to see you right away" to your bf. Unless your ex had gotten down on one knee in front of you, there is no need for a hasty breakup. you could have just seen him when you saw him and decided what to say when you did. Or you would have gone out and realized that what you were doing wasn't what you wanted to do.

So what then -- if you break up with your boyfriend. Are you running into the ex's arms?? Will you be single and tell your ex not to contact you?

btw, there was a time in my life where i worked 12 hours a day on a normal day and 16 on a not normal day. I didn't see friends or anyone really for days at a time. I get that your boyfriend is not next to you all the time, but on the other hand, when you do see eachother, you enjoy eachother, right? Have you ever been content to not have everything be datey - are you okay with meeting for a fast meal because he is super busy or one bringing the other coffee and having 15 minutes or dropping by at the end of the day and waking up together? Anyway, you don't want to be with him - you already decided.

you have a "connection" because you know eachother and have a past. If i meet someone from my old neighborhood or a friend of my cousin's at a party - people will see the natural flow of conversation that we have together and they will see a "connection" - its nothing cosmic or fate-related -- its - hey -- we actually know eachother. Its not a "sign" that people "see a connection".

 

I do think its awfully cruel that you are saying "i need to see you right away" to your bf. Unless your ex had gotten down on one knee in front of you, there is no need for a hasty breakup. you could have just seen him when you saw him and decided what to say when you did. Or you would have gone out and realized that what you were doing wasn't what you wanted to do.

 

So what then -- if you break up with your boyfriend. Are you running into the ex's arms?? Will you be single and tell your ex not to contact you?

I am not dumping the current boyfriend for the ex boyfriend; but I think events recently have made me realise what an absent partner he is in my life.

I will be running to no one. As I say I have a long trip booked in January and would not want to be getting into a relationship with anyone before that - ex or otherwise. That will ultimately be my time for working out what I really want but I think based on how I am feeling it is not fair on my current boyfriend to be in this relationship. He is lovely... but what he loves is not me. What he loves is this image he has created of me, and I can never live up to it.

At least the ex knows me, and as you say that is just because we have history. Don't get me wrong there are still plenty of doubts in my head as to whether that would be the right move and would really need to weigh everything up before I went back to that. Perfect time for thinking when on the road alone :)

btw, there was a time in my life where i worked 12 hours a day on a normal day and 16 on a not normal day. I didn't see friends or anyone really for days at a time. I get that your boyfriend is not next to you all the time, but on the other hand, when you do see eachother, you enjoy eachother, right? Have you ever been content to not have everything be datey - are you okay with meeting for a fast meal because he is super busy or one bringing the other coffee and having 15 minutes or dropping by at the end of the day and waking up together? Anyway, you don't want to be with him - you already decided.

I wish it was as simple as that - but he has chosen to sit at home alone on occasions when I went to visit friends out of town. He was invited - he had the day off - He sat indoors alone until I came back that evening.

If you hadn't met up with your ex, would you be breaking up with your boyfriend?

If the answer is "no", you are indeed breaking up with your boyfriend for your ex.

If you hadn't met up with your ex, would you be breaking up with your boyfriend?

 

If the answer is "no", you are indeed breaking up with your boyfriend for your ex.

There have been ongoing issues for a while - this is not 100% a new thing. I did ask him to spend more time with me around two months ago, when I said that if he could not find time for me that I would leave. Admittedly, on his part, he did start spending more time with me but I don't feel that asking to do basic couple things together should be something to compromise on. So, whilst my ex was possibly a catalyst in this, this is not a new situation.