Reconnected with ex recently... but I am not single

[boltnrun]

There have been ongoing issues for a while - this is not 100% a new thing. I did ask him to spend more time with me around two months ago, when I said that if he could not find time for me that I would leave. Admittedly, on his part, he did start spending more time with me but I don't feel that asking to do basic couple things together should be something to compromise on. So, whilst my ex was possibly a catalyst in this, this is not a new situation.

 

But that doesn't answer my question.

[Lostsoul2018]

But that doesn't answer my question.

 

If I hadn't met up with my ex... probably not right now, But it would have been a slower corrosion. More deliberating - more wondering why he is never present in my life. More wondering if he will change. After two years, I kinda doubt it . . .

[emadacuz]

It reminds me of my own experience with an ex, who is kind of back into my life now.

We split up long time ago, 9 years or so. We had a wonderful time together, it was love at first sight, but circumstances made out relationship just impossible. We broke up, we went back together for a few months, and then we called it a day. We decided to stay friends, and be in touch from time to time. She started her new life, I started mine. We both moved to different countries. She has been in a serious relationship for a few years, and so were I (single now, but that's irrelevant).

 

Fast forward to a few days ago, we accidentally meet at the airport. First time in 9 years. We had a coffee together, talked about life, and said goodbye again after not even half an hour. The "connection" was there, we never lost it. It was good to see her again.

 

Surprise surprise, last night she called me saying that she has been missing our relationship. She is OK with the guys she is living with, but she has never stopped thinking about me. She still sleeps hugging the teddy bear I bought her ages ago, secretly wears the necklace with crossed-hearts pendant I got her for our first anniversary, and still has a bottle of my perfume in her room. She said that I should not read too much into what she says, that she will never leave her partner, and all that jazz... but at the same time, she confessed me that they haven't spoken much since our random, unexpected meeting, and she doesn't feel comfortable having him around.

 

I can't give you any advice, unfortunately. But this kind of situations are more common than what you may think.

[Lostsoul2018]

It reminds me of my own experience with an ex, who is kind of back into my life now.

We split up long time ago, 9 years or so. We had a wonderful time together, it was love at first sight, but circumstances made out relationship just impossible. We broke up, we went back together for a few months, and then we called it a day. We decided to stay friends, and be in touch from time to time. She started her new life, I started mine. We both moved to different countries. She has been in a serious relationship for a few years, and so were I (single now, but that's irrelevant).

 

Fast forward to a few days ago, we accidentally meet at the airport. First time in 9 years. We had a coffee together, talked about life, and said goodbye again after not even half an hour. The "connection" was there, we never lost it. It was good to see her again.

 

Surprise surprise, last night she called me saying that she has been missing our relationship. She is OK with the guys she is living with, but she has never stopped thinking about me. She still sleeps hugging the teddy bear I bought her ages ago, secretly wears the necklace with crossed-hearts pendant I got her for our first anniversary, and still has a bottle of my perfume in her room. She said that I should not read too much into what she says, that she will never leave her partner, and all that jazz... but at the same time, she confessed me that they haven't spoken much since our random, unexpected meeting, and she doesn't feel comfortable having him around.

 

I can't give you any advice, unfortunately. But this kind of situations are more common than what you may think.

 

I am glad that I am not alone in this kind of thing. I have a few exes - I am able to maintain friendships with them, see them and feel nothing but platonic friendship whereas with this one person... I am just so scared that he is 'the one that got away'. If, indeed he got away... it seems he is not that far away at all. We talk on such a frank level and always have; We have been friends for a few years after the split but it always inevitably ends up heading down the 'what if we didn't let go....' route. We spoke the other day and the message ' I don’t think I’ve ever felt as close to you as I was last week and it was truly beautiful. It reminded me of all the things I loved about us' came through.... and I feel the same.

 

So much of what you have said feels familiar - I still sleep with the bear that my ex got me on our last Christmas together, and still wear a bracelet he got me every day. I think sometimes there are some loves that just never die. And I just do not know whether or not I should be exploring that or not at this moment in time. IF it is truly meant to be it will find it's way, and so there is no need for arbitrary time limits... and that is where I find myself right now. I think first I need some time to myself, to be me and to be single whilst maintaining the same level of friendship I have had with the ex for the past few years. And then see what happens down the line...

 

I know what your ex means about not being comfortable having her partner around; this is where I am at right now. I have really noticed since seeing my ex last week the things that are absent in my relationship, and what I had before . . . the things I miss so dearly that I just do not have with my current partner.

[Wiseman2]

All this while you have been in a relationship with someone else for 3 years?

We spoke the other day and the message ' I don’t think I’ve ever felt as close to you as I was last week and it was truly beautiful. It reminded me of all the things I loved about us' came through.... and I feel the same. - I still sleep with the bear that my ex got me on our last Christmas together, and still wear a bracelet he got me every day. I think sometimes there are some loves that just never die.

[Lostsoul2018]

All this while you have been in a relationship with someone else for 3 years?

 

Sadly yes. A fortnight ago I thought that I was happy - I have realised that I was not. Anyway, I saw current partner/ now ex on Sunday. I somewhat diplomatically said that I was simply not in love with him, that he deserves a lot better and would be better suited to someone who fits his lifestyle. It was an unpleasant experience with promises of change but I cannot go back at this point. Despite everything, I am glad I got to have him in my life in some capacity but it has become abundantly clear for now that I should not be with anyone.

 

Now I am single - I have no plans at the moment to be with anyone, ex or otherwise. I will meet with the ex at some point over the summer when my work and social schedule allow it but I am not going to be running back into his arms.

 

If it is meant to be with the ex then we will work it out but I truly believe that in this one case there does not need to be any arbitrary time limit. If the feelings between us are not even a little dampened after four years apart then I cannot see that any more time will change things.

 

But for now, I need to get back to the drawing board and be happy by myself again.

[abitbroken]

If it is meant to be with the ex then we will work it out but I truly believe that in this one case there does not need to be any arbitrary time limit. If the feelings between us are not even a little dampened after four years apart then I cannot see that any more time will change things.

 

This is magical thinking "if it was meant to be it will work out". Things happen because we choose to follow through on them or decide to NOT follow through on them.

[Lostsoul2018]

If it is meant to be with the ex then we will work it out but I truly believe that in this one case there does not need to be any arbitrary time limit. If the feelings between us are not even a little dampened after four years apart then I cannot see that any more time will change things.

 

This is magical thinking "if it was meant to be it will work out". Things happen because we choose to follow through on them or decide to NOT follow through on them.

 

I am intending to follow through on things... after a period of getting back to myself. Despite doing the 'dumping' I feel rotten for the way things went and so I still need to get over it, regardless of any other feelings for anyone else. After the healing period I will reach out to my ex and go from there - if that is what I still feel. There is, of course, always the possibility that he came along at that time to highlight what my relationship was missing and how it was making me feel.

[Lostsoul2018]

Are you in contact with your ex now, since seeing him?

 

Yes.... we have been speaking daily. We have not seen each other since the festival a fortnight ago, but the same feelings are still apparent. So I don't know at this moment in time what to do - I am not going to rush into anything, rather enjoy some peace and alone time and catching up with my wonderful friends.

[saluk]

Yes.... we have been speaking daily. We have not seen each other since the festival a fortnight ago, but the same feelings are still apparent. So I don't know at this moment in time what to do - I am not going to rush into anything, rather enjoy some peace and alone time and catching up with my wonderful friends.

 

Were you talking daily all this time, or did you start right after the breakup? You may not be intending to rush back, but from the sound of it you already have.

[abitbroken]

You completely contradict yourself!!

 

You said" After the healing period I will reach out to my ex and go from there" and then you also say this..

 

Yes.... we have been speaking daily. We have not seen each other since the festival a fortnight ago, but the same feelings are still apparent. So I don't know at this moment in time what to do - I am not going to rush into anything, rather enjoy some peace and alone time and catching up with my wonderful friends.

 

You can't "heal" if you are talking to your ex everyday - you are monkeybranching from one guy to the other ---- there is no self searching or healing going on. It is totally disingenuine to the core. ANd you are also stringing him along because you can say "oh well---- i am going away on a long trip -- things will sort themselves out then." . If your ex was an honorable man - he would have respected your relationship and if you broke up he would not want you to communicate with him for awhile to make sure it wasn't just a rebound thing. I think you are running heavily on nostalgia. I think you will crash and burn by continuing this --- if you are for real -- then tell ex that you just broke up with your boyfriend and want to make sure you did it for the right reasons and do not want to hear from him. I guarantee your ex is thinking you are a good target for sex right now

[kamurj]

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