Are we just hanging on?

Bit of a long one...

We've been married for 13 years (together 17). We met at college, both wide-eyed 16 year olds who were both besotted with different people. We became friends and a year after meeting decided maybe there was more. In all honestly there was never a spark between us and after getting out of a relationship where I was treated badly and had my ex (sparks with him) cheat on me with one of my friends I wanted 'normal' and I guess that was the problem. I don't feel I ever really processed what my ex really did. A lot was left unsaid and we've both moved on.

Myself and my husband have two children DD (11) and DS (7). Our youngest is disabled which as you can imagine puts a great deal of pressure on our relationship. After returning to work full time after having DS, it became apparent that he wasn't coping with nursery so I made the decision to leave my job and work in the evenings. I spent five years working shifts around my husband and his full time job. We spent a lot of time apart but it worked for our family. I guess the cracks began to show when in 2013, I was having to work most evenings and weekends to meet our financial oblications. I had amazing friends at work and I'd often go out for drinks with them after, it was a great time in my life and yes I feel bad about that! It was around summer 2013 that I met a guy friend at work. We just seemed to click and it we'd often meet for coffee outside of work. I guess I began to rely on him, he was there and understood me better than anyone including my husband and looking back now I know it was wrong to invest so much time in him and not my marriage. For 12 months my husband said nothing, although one evening he messaged me at work and said we needed to talk about my need to be at work! He'd read my diary about my feelings not only about my friend but him as well.

I made the decision to concentrate on my marriage and we made the decision to move house for our sons schooling. It wasn't very far away but a different school area. Fast forward to 2014 and my friend left and moved to a new company. It wasn't exactly easy maintaining a friendship when we could barely see each other and living miles away so by 2015 it was pretty much over. He just didn't respect my relationship with my husband as he obviously didn't want me having dinners out with another guy and rightly so!

For a while my husband was very attentive and really made the effort to make me feel loved. I didn't have to ask for a hug! (Yep, did that). We had a tough time in 2014 and 2015 and I really needed him to be there but he wasn't. By 2016, I had never felt so alone. No friends at work and our sex life was non-existent. I hit an all time low and approached my doctor who accessed me for depression and anxiety. My husband just ignored it, thinking I was going it to get signed off work! I mean really! No support! After a hard 2017 I came out the other end feeling that I was in a better place but came to the realisation that my husband carries some of the blame. When I told him I was depressed. His answer was 'should try my life'. I never win. He's very good on the emotional black mail front and has been all of our marriage.

I don't believe he's happy in our marriage, we want another child but after over a year of trying its not happened yet and its got me thinking if its what we really need. I don't want to appear selfish as thats the last thing I usually am! Believe me, I have spent the last 17 years being selfless while my husband got everything he wanted! I basically took over where his parents left off! I just want to feel! I've actually forgotten what its like to feel wanted, loved, in love, appreciated and have someone support me in my desires and dreams. He allowed me to persue my dream of university because we'd get financial support throughout my studies! It wasn't for my benefit.

I keep telling myself that it will get better, but I've been saying that for four years! I'm just numb! I finished university and he doesn't want me working so I can be at home with him while he works from home (he's our sons carer now). I feel suffocated and as soon as I try and talk to him he shuts off and doesn't talk to me for three days! I want to do whats right for our childen, I grew up with divorced parents. I know what it felt like and I never wanted that for my children but he even admitted that he doesn't know what he'd do if we can't have another baby (he has developed a low sperm count). I often feel that he's just putting up with it as he can't cope alone and he doesn't trust me with our son anymore! No reason why he's just got serious OCD since finishing work and his control freak has got worse!

Are we just hanging on? I feel like its been over for a long time, it feels like we are house mates. We have sex at the right time (ovulation), he never kisses me, touches me, holds me, tells me he loves me, offers me any emotional support! Am I selfish to want more? I'm 36 and I'm questioning whether I am really able to spend the rest of my life 'empty'. I didn't expect this to happen, I saw myself growing old with him. Us looking after our son together but we also don't agree sometimes about what is best for our children. He would like to lock them both away and never let them experience life while I feel we could all benefit from experiencing things as a family. My husband doesn't like doing much with our son, he finds people look and stare and hes quite concious that people are judging!

I was asked a few years ago, who I saw standing beside me in my future and in all honesty its been blurry for many years. I feel like a horrible person but I did the right thing for my children. I've told myself that I can do this forever and its destroying my soul to be with someone who makes me feel so alone! Sorry, I know this is very long but I just don't have anyone to talk to. Anyone been in a similar situation and either stayed or left? I'd never abondoned my husband not in that way not with a disabled son but it would never be easy and if in the future we decided to walk away neither of us could blame the other given the 80% of parents to a disabled child get divorced! However moving on would never be easy, our partners would need to understand the role our son plays in our lives and that would never be easy! There is so much to think about! My mind is just a constant mess!

Any advice would be great!

what? Things have been crappy for the last 4 years and you think that having another kid is going to not add to your problems?

In all honesty you shouldn't bother with getting pregnant. Seek out a marriage counselor. If he doesn't go, at least you go, and work things out. Once you have dumped some of this resentment and other emotions you will be able to make better decisions, and what direction to go from here.

Think of it this way...kids do better in an environment where both parents are separated and happy, rather than kids who witness an unhappy marriage.

My first initial reaction was Smackie’s.

How exactly would having a third child benefit you, your marriage, and your family now? You already have issues with your marriage, and throwing a baby into the mix (on top of having a child with a disability and high needs) would be adding fuel to the fire. I really hate to cherry pick your post here, but I personally found this comment referring to your children being disturbing:

Us looking after our son together but we also don't agree sometimes about what is best for our children. He would like to lock them both away and never let them experience life while I feel we could all benefit from experiencing things as a family.

And you both seriously want to bring in a third child?

Please seek a marriage counseling before trying/adopting a child. You both owe it to yourselves and your family.

The emotional affair and excess focus on another child and sex for only that reason is ruining your marriage. You both need serious marriage therapy to cope with all that and the strain of a sah dad, disabled child, etc.

Definitely do not have another baby. That would be insane in the situation you describe.

I don't know what your child's disability is, (Down's Syndrome?), so I can't give you any advice there.

So we know you're unhappy, but what about your husband? You think he's happy? Especially knowing that you were cheating on him for a year? Especially being with a spouse who is depressed and anxious? Especially having a disabled child? It doesn't sound like he's having much fun either.

This is one of the few times I think a marriage counselor might help, at least for a visit or two. I think you both need to talk about what you're going through and at least try to understand each other's problems. Just to see where you're both at and whether the marriage can be saved. If it can't be saved, at least you might be able to draw up some boundaries and some rules on how your relationship can go on.

The emotional affair and excess focus on another child and sex for only that reason is ruining your marriage. You both need serious marriage therapy to cope with all that and the strain of a sah dad, disabled child, etc.

I agree.

I am amazed that your husband stuck around after your emotional affair, and lack of respect and love you showed him.

Don't bring another child into this.

" I have spent the last 17 years being selfless while my husband got everything he wanted!" I don't understand this?

I really appreciate you all taking the time to read and reply. I know its a bit of a mess. I don't think my husband actually believes there are any issues. I know my husband isn't happy, unlike him I notice these things and he always blames are current circumstances which is currently him wanting another child. Our son has mild CP, learning difficulties and is likely to be a dependant adult.

Four years ago after having my emotional affair, I did mention about going back to councilling. We have been right back at the start of our relationship because I had some issues that affected our sex life, that was sorted not by councilling but over time. When I mentioned it again, he actually scofted at me as if it was pointless.

He doesn't ever seem to want to have sex for the sake of our relationship. He wants a quickie for baby making reasons and on many occasions its actually been hard for me to get arrosed. I don't even remember the last time we had a cuddle for the sake of a cuddle.

It is hard with a child with such complex needs, I know that another child is the last thing our marriage needs but he doesn't seem to understand that. He thinks it will take years and that gives us time to sort out our issues. If I mention anything about us he shuts down and says he's got enough to deal with and that I couldn't live on my own. I have been in contact with a few councillors in my local area but they come with a high price tag and none of them are covered by insurance.

It probably sounded quite intense when I said that comment. But my daughter and I often go to family events alone. I have warned my husband that a baby won't make it better but he sees it as he wants he gets (spoilt child syndome). I actually think it will be the end of our marriage if I'm honest and I think he sees it as a reason to make me stay.

You need couples counseling; otherwise, it will not work.

I agree.

 

I am amazed that your husband stuck around after your emotional affair, and lack of respect and love you showed him.

 

Don't bring another child into this.

 

" I have spent the last 17 years being selfless while my husband got everything he wanted!" I don't understand this?

How has my husband lucked out on the love? I've been there for him through every bad moment and good moment. I've hugged him when he's sad, helped him with his career, looked after him when he's sick, financially supported him for most of our marriage, I know is what a wife should do but the same can't be said for him. I didn't start that friendship with my friend to hurt my husband. At the time, I didn't even realise that it was an emotional affair until after it was over. We used to go out for coffee and have a laugh, but the moment I learnt it was hurting my marriage I cut all ties. My friend just offered me someone to talk to about stuff that I enjoyed, he took an interest in a way my husband never has. I know it was wrong but it didn't feel like there was anything wrong with me having coffee. He never actually understood why my husband wasn't more supportive of our friendship, he never saw it for what it was. To him I was a friend, he was single and didn't answer to anyone.

I completely understand it was wrong and I know we aren't all going to agree.

You said you were working part time. How did you support him through the majority of the marriage? Doesn't he work full time?

Staying out and having coffee after work, instead of going home, was taking away from your family. You are a smart lady, you enjoyed the attention from this guy. " I know it was wrong to invest so much time in him and not my marriage."

It sounds like this marriage has run its course.

I echo those that have suggested marriage counselling and perhaps even personal therapy for you, *shorty1982* It seems you have a pattern of getting too involved with your opposite sex friends (first with your current husband while in a relationship with someone else and then with your work 'friend'). I think personal therapy will help you to end the pattern and perhaps give you the clarity you need to figure out why you're unable to accept who you (settled for) married. The marriage counselling hopefully would give your husband a clue about what it takes to be a good partner who can show his wife love and value.

I wish you luck. It won't be easy being a single mother of a disabled child. Please, for all that is good, do not have another child at this time.

Ya start taking the pill or get a IUD.

I am getting a whiff of a control issue..he knows you could be thinking of leaving so he is going to make damn sure you will be totally dependent on him. DO NOT HAVE ANOTHER KID.

If it's bad you can call a women's crisis hotline, and seek out some resources through them that could be low cost or even free.

80% of parents to a disabled child get divorced!

What? Wait

Where did this statistic come from? If you could site your source that would be great.

Compatible parents raising a disabled child do just fine.

When raising a disabled child between two parents who are incompatible, it only adds and emphasizes incompatibility.

The real issue is between you and your partner, not that you have a disabled child.

Red88

After 17 years, I'm sure it just feels like you're going through the motions. A baby will not solve your problems and will possibly make it worse. I'm thinking your husband may feel the same way you do, he just doesn't know how to express it and maybe thinks a baby would solve the problem? not to control you or make you stay. Maybe that's how he feels loved and needed. Do your children adore him? Is he a good father?

I was in a similar relationship. I had one emotional affair with a guy I worked with. Nothing came of it. I just enjoyed the attention because it was seriously lacking at home. He stayed at home, didn't work, and took care of the kids. When we later talked about it after the break up, I told him I felt ignored and unloved, he told me that he felt I emasculated him. He thought it was unfair that he was always dealing with the kids and I didn't help out as much. Which was true. I thought it was unfair I was carrying the financial weight of our family by myself. Our sex life went down the toilet. It was always just for a quickie. I hated being the main breadwinner and treated him like crap for it and felt that since I was bringing home the money, that entitled me to treat him how ever I wanted to and talk to whoever I wanted to. I didn't think about what he needed or wanted. I thought about what I wanted and needed from him. We became like room-mates more than a couple. He wound up cheating on me with the neighbor.

Being a single mom is very hard. I'm sure it would be especially harder for you since you have a child with complex needs.

If you read back on your posts, it's about you. Helping him with his career, looking after him when he's sick, financially supporting him, sounds more like something a mother would do than a wife. They are amazing selfless acts that should not be taken for granted. "in sickness and in health" At the same time, he's a grown man who can handle himself. From what you wrote, it sounds like you don't need him for anything. You're emasculating him.

I've read on many relationship sites men don't really like to be "mothered" in their relationships and maybe that might be your issue. Treat him like a man. Make him feel like a man. Ask HIM how he feels loved. Is it through words of encouragement, praising him, touching, gifts, your time, etc.? Its going to take a lot of effort on your part to make it happen and it probably won't happen on the first try. It will have to start with you if you really want to fix it. I don't know what your spiritual beliefs are- there's this christian pastor who also was a marriage councilor named Rick Warren. Look his sermons up on youtube search: learn how to resolve conflicts and restore your relationship. He makes some very good points. Even if it's not him, there's a plethora of marriage advice on the internet from experts who've been there.

"If I mention anything about us he shuts down and says he's got enough to deal with and that I couldn't live on my own." Stop talking about it and start doing something.

"...and my friend left and moved to a new company."

- And this same friend is now having coffee with someone new from work.

These work/sandbox parasites, like other band-aids, just make matters worse.

You have to overcome your fear of your husband and teach him the new life you are envisioning.

Don't expect him to quickly shed his perceived load and habits. It will take time.

The foundation of the marriage was never on solid ground from the start. That is evident from the history that you described. You need a professional therapist to help both of you work through the past issues. Trying to debate how each of you feel right now isn't addressed the root causes of the underlying problems.