Met up with an Ex-gf after breaking up 15 years ago...complicated

Right after finishing college I met this girl that I always thought was way out of my league. We dated for 6-7 months but it was a really tumultuous time for us. It was difficult because she lived about and hour and half away and we both lived with our parents while looking for jobs after just graduating. Of course the first couple months were great and we got a long really well. But she was always very different from most any girl I'd dated before. She's one of those girls who had a ton of guy friends and was super comfortable hanging out with other guys on a purely platonic level. Even though you knew those guys would hook up with her in a second, she'd never have it. However I was a very jealous person then and couldn't handle those situations when we were out together. She also wasn't a very affectionate type of girl. She didn't like to be touched a-lot and didn't need constant reminding of my affections to feel secure. She also wasn't very verbally expressive of her emotions. She was a very live in the moment type person, and I very much wasn't. But I loved that about her, and really just didn't like myself during the time we dated and took a lot of it out on her being insecure and depressed. Long story short, I acted poorly and eventually drove her away. She broke up with me and I basically told her over the phone "ok, you know I'll never talk to you again" and I didn't except a few days later I stupidly drove up to see her trying to catch her before work to try and talk, but that backfired and really pissed her off. Randomly about a month later I saw her when I went to hang out in the city she lived in with another friend for New Years eve. She was at my friends apartment hanging out before I arrived and left after a few minutes of me arriving. We said hi and all but nothing really more.

And that was it for good I thought. Fast forward through life, she ended up moving to NC a couple months after we broke up. I moved to another city in NY, and after a few years I moved to SC with a girl I was dating at the time. Since I lived in SC I knew she was in NC and a few hours away. She would pop up in my mind every once in a while but nothing really more than a passing thought. She didn't have any real social media account so you could never really "check up" on how she was doing and I always wondered how she was. I'd had her work email as a contact trying to help a friend of mine out with a job, as I knew she worked as a recruiter for a national company. We exchanged a couple emails just passing a resume along but nothing more. I should include at this point that I am now married and have been for about 8 years. And I also knew she had gotten married a few years ago as well.

Two weeks ago I was up in her area of NC for a golf tournament. Randomly I thought driving up there I should reach out to her. I was out having dinner and sent her an email saying hi and that I was in town for the weekend and if she was up for it we should get a drink and catch up. I never thought I'd get a response or anything more than a "Hey good to hear from you, oh cool you're in town. Sorry I'm busy maybe next time" kind of response which I would have understood. However she did respond and seemed really excited about the idea in her response back to me. I sent her my number and said text me with details if you want, and we ended up making plans to meet up on Saturday when I was done playing. Saturday rolls around and we meet up at a brewery in mid afternoon and sat outside on a really nice day. It was oddly not weird at all when she walked up and we hugged and said hi. We ended up having a few drinks there and hanging out chatting about life. Then she offered up to be my tour guide and take me around to all these cool places in the city. So we went out for the rest of the night and had a really good time. Of course as we're drinking we start talking about the past, and why after 15 years did I contact her now. I told her I didn't have a great answer other than I thought I'd reach out and say hi and figured 1) you'd never reply back, and 2) if we did meet up it'd be a very generic have a drink and say hi and in an hour we'd go our separate ways.

We continue drinking while we're out and that moment hits where we're talking about what happened between us, and I tell her I've wanted to apologize for how I acted for a long time. That I wasn't a good person then and it wasn't fair to you, etc, etc. Then randomly she kisses me, and I'm shocked. It wasn't like a thank you for your apology peck on the cheek. It was a legit I miss you, I still have feelings kiss. Fast forward through the night she's pretty drunk and it's like midnight and we're trying to figure out how to end the night at the bar. She invites me to come back to her house because she has to let out her dogs and we end up ubering there. We hang out in her kitchen and continue talking about the past and listening to music and having a a good time together. I knew at this point it's like 1 AM and I need to head out because her husband is due home at some point, and I also had to get up at like 630AM in the morning. But it's really hard to leave her after this night that I never imagined would happen. She drops an even bigger bomb on me in her drunken state that she wants to have sex with me still. I really didn't have anything to say to that as I was stunned she said it, even though I knew she was drunk and that was probably the cause for it. About 15 minutes later I'm getting some water and about to really leave and in walks her husband. Now the whole time we're out she's telling me oh he's cool he knows we're hanging out blah blah don't worry. But never the less I don't think he expected to see me there obviously and it was super awkward. We introduced ourselves to each other and shook hands, and I was like well i was just getting some more water and about to leave to get my car. And so I left.

Before he came in and I was trying to get out of there, she said she wanted to see me Sunday before I left to go back to SC. And I said ok I'll text you when I'm free. We did txt each other Sunday when I was done but she decided it was best we didn't get together that day and I went back home. Since then we've been txting quite a bit and over the last weekend actually talked on the phone at length a couple of nights. It's obvious when she was drinking and tipsy those nights we talked that her feelings come out and she mentioned again she wanted to hook up. We semi talked about me coming back up to hang out this weekend, however she txt me last night that it wouldn't work out with things she had going on and she wouldn't be alone that weekend as she thought, and we cancelled plans.

So at this point I'm really torn. Yes, we're both married and it's pretty awful we've even gone as far as we have. That being said, there's this part of me that still really wants to see her, and its obvious she wants to see me too. I know I shouldn't think about her and making plans to meet up but I find myself thinking about it a lot. I try to avoid txting her, but she'll either txt me or I do her. I know I should probably talk to her and put a stop to this but it's insanely hard to convince myself to do it. Please someone say something that will knock some sense in me and help me out. Maybe after writing this it'll make it more clear but I know if she were to contact me and say hey I'm free xyz weekend want to get together I'd do it. I'm a ty person I know.

Thanks for listening...

Did you have sex or were you both too drunk?

Bad idea. You follow through and your wife finds out your fixin to be unhappy with half your stuff if y’all have kids your going to be unhappy with a large chunk of cash every month in child support and alimony. Think with the big head not the little one.

Haha you are going to get flamed so bad on here.

Dude...

Your married...

You knew exactly what you wanted to happen in the back of your head the WHOLE time you were interacting with her.

You are obviously not happy with your wife and are sniffing out an affair. You know she wants to sleep with you and the only reason you would continue conversation is because you want to sleep with her and cheat on your wife.

Nothing in your intentions are legitimate. You were feeling out an old flame because you have some serious dysfunction or unhappiness with your wife.

Stop talking to your ex Gf from 15 years ago that didn't even last a year. I've had more emotional attachment to a bowel movement than you should have for such a short relationship so long ago.

Tell your wife how much of a sh*thead you are and either work on your problems or end your marriage.

If you need some sense knocked into you just PM me your address.

Tell you what you do, if your thinking you want some strange, that’s cool I’ll say 90% of us guys look at a hot lookin female type and think damn I’d like to try that out. But go ask some of your single friends and ask them just how great it is going out and getting all the strange they want. 10:1 they would happily swap places with you and have a wife, family, etc .

Did you have sex or were you both too drunk?

No we didn't do anything. Some drunk making out was it.

So turns out she isn't the winner you thought she was anyway. She's messing around behind her husbands back, probably making the poor sucker feel like a jerk for questioning all the male attention she seeks.

Way back when you were right lol. Kick this trash to the curb and go to your wife .

So turns out she isn't the winner you thought she was anyway. She's messing around behind her husbands back, probably making the poor sucker feel like a jerk for questioning all the male attention she seeks.

Way back when you were right lol. Kick this trash to the curb and go to your wife .

Yeah I've had that same realization too.

I have no advice. If anything it was an interesting read.

What's up with your marriage? It seems you sought her out for sex/cheating but she wasn't going along with it and put the breaks on when she sobered up..

No we didn't do anything. Some drunk making out was it.

If you have enough time to cheat, you have enough time to think about it. It's all about choices...

What's up with your marriage? It seems you sought her out for sex/cheating but she wasn't going along with it and put the breaks on when she sobered up..

Nothing out of the ordinary is up with my marriage. And I didn't seek her out for sex at all. And if you read the post it was her who initiated physical contact with me, and then told me she wanted to have sex which I didn't take her up on.

Have you told your wife this entire story?

If so, I recommend you allow her to read your original post.

Affairs aren't all about sex, as you know. It's the thrill of lying to your spouse and tuning her out while you are texting/chatting/planning, etc. The thrill of the deceit. The thrill of chasing.

Nothing out of the ordinary is up with my marriage. And I didn't seek her out for sex at all.

Affairs aren't all about sex, as you know. It's the thrill of lying to your spouse and tuning her out while you are texting/chatting/planning, etc. The thrill of the deceit. The thrill of chasing.

I'm not saying I didn't do anything wrong and not at fault for my actions thank you. And I don't plan to tell my wife anything at this point. Nor do i plan to pursue anything further with the ex.

OP, why are you willing to risk your marriage?

That is what you need to be thinking about. Your actions could lead to serious damage that you can't even begin to fathom right now. A drunken make out with an ex is surely not worth crushing your wife's heart, is it? Let's say this stops here and now (which seems unlikely, given that you are still communicating with your ex and you admitted it's hard for you to resist her) What has already happened is enough to rip the rug out from under your wife's feet.

Now let's say this does go further, and your ex's husband pieces it all together and tells your wife. Or her husband grills her about what exactly you two were doing that night, she spills, and he informs your wife.

You're playing with fire. Until you get to the bottom of why you are doing so, this is likely going to escalate.

Better for your wife to hear it from you than to find out some other way.

My friend found out about her husband's cheating because he forgot everything he did downloaded to the cloud. She also looked in his phone and his email.

There are messages. Those messages leave a record.

Yeah, your wife will notice you've been acting differently and she will look.

Again, better for her to find out from you than some other way.

OP, why are you willing to risk your marriage?

 

That is what you need to be thinking about. Your actions could lead to serious damage that you can't even begin to fathom right now. A drunken make out with an ex is surely not worth crushing your wife's heart, is it? Let's say this stops here and now (which seems unlikely, given that you are still communicating with your ex and you admitted it's hard for you to resist her) What has already happened is enough to rip the rug out from under your wife's feet.

 

Now let's say this does go further, and your ex's husband pieces it all together and tells your wife. Or her husband grills her about what exactly you two were doing that night, she spills, and he informs your wife.

 

You're playing with fire. Until you get to the bottom of why you are doing so, this is likely going to escalate.

Oh I get it. I took big risks. I'm more than willing to accept responsibility for whatever happens. But I don't plan to pursue this further. The more time I have to process everything, I'm not willing to go through a physical affair with the ex at this point in time.

It already became physical, OP. You didn't have sex with her, but you admit to a make-out session. Not as intimate, sure, but still generally not acceptable for a married man.

Being willing to accept responsibility is important. But you also won't be able to undo the hurt you will cause your wife if she finds out about this. Accepting responsibility doesn't really mitigate the pain she will feel. That is what you need to remember if you find yourself wanting to contact your ex in the days and weeks ahead. Block her and re-focus your attention on your marriage.