Stories of Bad Divorces

I'm trying to recover from a pretty devastating breakup with someone I had been planning to propose to for a couple years after 8 years of dating her. She ended up leaving me for someone else she met last Fall after starting an emotional affair with him during a hard part of my life, and she also had an emotional affair with someone else in the first 6 months of our relationship during another hard part of my life.

Where I have been hardworking and am about to get my degree, she was truly doing nothing with her life and was setting herself up for money & lifestyle trouble. A huge part of my motivation for wanting to propose to her, and for working so hard, was to ensure she'd have healthcare after she'd no longer be able to be on her parents' health insurance. I'd wanted to be there for her financially to ensure she'd never have to experience some of the things I'd already experienced (and never want to experience again).

I've been trying to tell myself that I've dodged a bullet and/or that reconciliation with my ex would be setting myself in front of a firing squad. The last thing I want is to marry someone who'd have an affair while something was stressing me out (or if I was just busy working too hard to be emotionally available for a time period) only to end up having a financially ruinous divorce because of a fiscally one-sided relationship.

I'd been reading the initial pages of bwknight's thread a bit and saw some parallels there. Other people mentioned that there are many similar stories. Reading the thread and how these things can pan out was helping me get over my ex, so I'd like to find more stories (and compile them) if any of you can provide me with them.

Divorces:

bwknight - https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=540327

Well, you took too long to propose to her, so she found another guy.

The advice on ENA is nearly always the same. Keep yourself busy. Hang out with friends. Walk outside in the sun. Get in touch with Nature. Exercise. Do things that are fun. Listen to upbeat music (not dirges or emo music). Busy yourself in a hobby or some other activity. Go on vacation and talk to other people.

If you Google: "recover from a relationship" you'll find lots of advice, but it basically boils down to these things.

The stories are all similar. Over time you will feel less and less hurt and you can overwrite them with good thoughts and feelings. And when you're ready, ask some nice girls out for a date. Nothing will heal you faster than that, but only when you're ready.

Those who wait are forever lost.

There are tons of local divorce support groups out there. Hospitals, universities, churches, private etc. This way people can talk about divorces and problems but with the goal of healing through the direction of a group leader.

A huge part of my motivation for wanting to propose to her was to ensure she'd have healthcare after she'd no longer be able to be on her parents' health insurance

After being together for 8 years and had a kid together, that was your number one reason to marry her? TBH, I think she was the one dodging a bullet. You didn't really want to marry her for her. And, she most likely has been trying to escape this long term relationship. Some people find it hard to leave such a long one, so they find a way to blow it up, so you can never go back.

I'm trying to recover from a pretty devastating breakup with someone I had been planning to propose to for a couple years after 8 years of dating her. She ended up leaving me for someone else she met last Fall after starting an emotional affair with him during a hard part of my life, and she also had an emotional affair with someone else in the first 6 months of our relationship during another hard part of my life.

 

Where I have been hardworking and am about to get my degree, she was truly doing nothing with her life and was setting herself up for money & lifestyle trouble. A huge part of my motivation for wanting to propose to her, and for working so hard, was to ensure she'd have healthcare after she'd no longer be able to be on her parents' health insurance. I'd wanted to be there for her financially to ensure she'd never have to experience some of the things I'd already experienced (and never want to experience again).

 

I've been trying to tell myself that I've dodged a bullet and/or that reconciliation with my ex would be setting myself in front of a firing squad. The last thing I want is to marry someone who'd have an affair while something was stressing me out (or if I was just busy working too hard to be emotionally available for a time period) only to end up having a financially ruinous divorce because of a fiscally one-sided relationship.

 

I'd been reading the initial pages of bwknight's thread a bit and saw some parallels there. Other people mentioned that there are many similar stories. Reading the thread and how these things can pan out was helping me get over my ex, so I'd like to find more stories (and compile them) if any of you can provide me with them.

 

Divorces:

bwknight - https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=540327

She hardly wants to fall into an easy lifestyle if she has a child, like Tattoobunnie mentions. Her lifestyle is raising her child. You thought giving birth to your child and raising your child was not equal in merit to your hard work. If you wanted to marry this woman anyhow, AND she is living with you so you can provide a roof over the child, then there is no excuse for her to be on her parents' health insurance. If you BOTH decided not to marry then you should have bought her a plan because you want her to be healthy for your child OR married her since you wanted to anyhow.

So - because you wanted to make sure you matched financially, you shut aside the mother of your child?

Most couples are not exactly physically matched especially when one is a single mom. Heck, my mom stayed home with us while dad worked and did not have a full time job until the youngest was well into grade school and didn't work part time until the youngest was in grade school (and the older kids were of ages it was okay to leave the little one in their care for a few hours after school so she could work hours the job actually needed her to work 3 days a week vs "mother's hours" of 10 to 2 that don't work for every job). My cousin married a man that has a profession that makes a lot less than hers does. So what.

It was not right for her to have an emotional affair, but after 8 years and no proposal, women don't want to wait around forever and put off, honestly.

only to end up having a financially ruinous divorce because of a fiscally one-sided relationship.

I think you wouldn't commit because you were too worried about losing/sharing your stuff and that made you not be "all in". so you lost her.

The next woman you meet -- don't lead her on for 8 years. Decide if she is marriage material or not and move on quickly if she isn't -- instead of torturing her like that

A lot of things are being heavily misunderstood and even made up here. I'll try to summarize this as well as I can.

-We did not have a child together. I have no clue where this notion came from

-It had been long distance the entire time, about 10% of time spent visiting each other.

-Years ago, from 2011 onwards, it was a debate whether I'd move to her state for college or she'd move to me. She kept insisting that she'd move to my state, which worked out a little better regarding the education I was already partway through and because while both of us dislike her state (she's lived in many states because of her father's work and legitimately dislikes her current state), both of us like my state.

-My home life eventually became disastrously broken starting late 2014, and in late 2016, I became legally obligated to remain in my home to protect my family from dangerous members of my family

-She kept insisting, even after years of that situation, that she was going to move to my state for college.

-I worked extremely hard through the home situation and school because I wanted to escape it and finally be able to move to her (while having money to pay for lawyers if I got prosecuted for abandonment. I have spoken with protection agencies about my risks, so I wanted to ensure I had the ability to find a solid job before making the leap. The last thing I wanted was a felony for simply existing and trying to live). It was not easy to be with me because it was not easy to be me -- I had every reason to think I had a heart attack at age 22 a few years back after an entire year of developing heart issues from environmental stressors.

-I wanted to marry her for her. Ensuring she wouldn't get hurt for her decision to not build her life (she was basically living a summer vacation life after graduating HS. Staying at home, no job, no education. She was a NEET) was a large factor in my working so hard (and was a catalyst for my decision that I would propose if things went well after finally moving to be with her), but I was simultaneously always pushing her to get more education/training. I tend to prepare for the worst, as I've regularly had things fall apart in my life just through abysmal luck and external factors.

-I know what it's like to not have healthcare access while having serious health concerns. She has some mild health concerns, but more importantly, stresses like crazy over health concerns. I wanted to ensure she wouldn't have to feel what I had felt already, and since I'd wanted to marry her anyways, it seemed like everything kind of fell into place well.

-I get my degree this May and my intention was to move to live with her family (as was discussed seriously and offered for several years as an option beforehand. Her insistence that she was going to move to my state, with her parents looking at purchasing some property in my state [they flip houses], alongside my build-up of credits and my state's university being far better for my program are what caused me to not make the plunge), start job searching and ideally find one with decent health benefits. Her moving out to me was no longer much of an option because I was graduating anyways and she didn't have any education/credits built up yet.

-The parallels with bwknight's story have more to do with some of the personality traits, and the hypothetical marriage set-up (which I was completely fine with) that I was about to push myself into, before she left me for someone with an easier life. I completely wanted to share all the fruits of my efforts with her. I encouraged her to work harder as well so we could both feel self actualized and have an even more comfortable/secure lifestyle than I'd be able to provide alone.

-It was never commitment issues on my end -- it was always her end. I went through hell and seriously damaged my health getting strung along by her for 8 years. I was always all-in but kept getting held back by external forces.

-I knew this girl extremely well, and I knew that her choosing to be a NEET was making her very unhappy with herself. When I convinced her to start doing more things in her life, such as taking full time classes at a local community college, she started feeling better about herself a bit (and then she left me for someone she met in her local college)

With that said, I was looking for stories of divorces in the vein of "affair leads into financial ruin" to think to myself that even if we had closed the distance, and the burdens of my home stress stopped affecting the relationship, there's a reasonable chance she'd put me through that kind of betrayal later on in life. Her commitment issues alongside the "provider" role I was walking myself into seems like a concerning formula.

Why are you looking for "divorce stories?" - why not concentrate on healing?

if you were in a dangerous family situation, then why on Earth would she want to move to your state and be subject to that? It makes no sense.

Also, I think if she wasn't someone willing to do what you wanted (move to your state), why did you not just end the relationship years ago?

You are flipping this on her that she "strung you along" this whole time, but why did you stay?

You talk about her commitment issues, but what kind of commitment issues do you have being that you insisted to stay with a woman who lived far away than dating someone nearby? Why would you choose a woman who you didn't deem worthy of commitment (you talk about how she would have divorced you if you provided for her with no proof to that)

ven if we had closed the distance, and the burdens of my home stress stopped affecting the relationship, there's a reasonable chance she'd put me through that kind of betrayal later on in life. Her commitment issues alongside the "provider" role I was walking myself into seems like a concerning formula.

If you lived nearer eachother and actually did traditional dating, you would be far away from this "home stress" - you would be in another state. Or you might have broken up long ago and been on to someone else ....or there would have been more of a foundation between the two of you.

"Why are you looking for "divorce stories?" - why not concentrate on healing?"

In my first post: "Reading the thread and how these things can pan out was helping me get over my ex, so I'd like to find more stories". I just wanna avoid more catastrophes in my life, and thinking that perhaps I avoided something painful in the future with my ex has been helping me heal.

"if you were in a dangerous family situation, then why on Earth would she want to move to your state and be subject to that? It makes no sense."

She kept telling me she was going to move here from 2011 through 2016. The situation was very stressful and pretty dangerous (if living in the same home) from 2014-2016, but seemingly manageable, and it only became undeniably very dangerous (if living in the same area) in the end of 2016. When it became clear that it was just way too dangerous, I did not want her to move here -- it seemed to work out better for me to focus on dealing with it for a bit longer to move to her, especially as my brother and I (we're both in the same situation) starting getting better at biding time using involuntary commitments and collected evidence for holds during hospitalizations. By the time it was clear that her moving to this state would be a serious threat, I was only a year away from graduating anyways.

"Also, I think if she wasn't someone willing to do what you wanted (move to your state), why did you not just end the relationship years ago? You are flipping this on her that she "strung you along" this whole time, but why did you stay?"

The only reason I didn't move to her or go to college in her state, when many times I was talking with her seriously about how that would go about, is because she kept saying she was going to move here. Looking at college schedules here, her family looking at houses to buy, everything. Moving here was what she wanted, or at least repeatedly said she wanted, more than myself. I just agreed that, at the time, it seemed like a better idea, but kept asking for concrete answers because I was entirely prepared to move to her. She kept making it seem like she'd decided she was going to come here, especially by saying she would be moving here "the next semester" or "in the summer".

In early 2016, I spent several months contemplating a breakup with her, "Where is the commitment? She keeps saying she's going to come here, so I didn't move there, and now here I am living in hell because I've been instructed to just wait." I had also been open to her about my insecurities about the whole situation, my feeling that she was sort of stringing me along with the whole thing, how I felt there wasn't enough commitment, and how it made me feel about the relationship. Fundamentally, the reason I stayed was because I loved her and and we both communicated about a great future once the storm passed. I assumed she had some insecurities about my home situation, making such a drastic change in her life, and much more, and I figured most of my other qualms in the relationship were more consequential to being in a stressful environment than because of some characteristic of her or myself. I still 100% believe that was the case.

"You talk about her commitment issues, but what kind of commitment issues do you have being that you insisted to stay with a woman who lived far away than dating someone nearby?"

That seems like the opposite of a commitment issue. I was totally devoted to her, to the relationship and progressing it (closing distance, living together, etc. etc.) The only reason I didn't move myself to not be "with a woman who lived far away" is because she kept convincing me that she was about to move.

"Why would you choose a woman who you didn't deem worthy of commitment (you talk about how she would have divorced you if you provided for her with no proof to that)"

You're instilling feelings/perceptions into me that were never present during the relationship. I was totally committed to her and thought very highly of her, save for some time being on the fence in early 2016. The worry that she *might* have divorced is a worry I attained and narrative I constructed after the breakup, based on how the breakup came about and a re-evaluation of the relationship after it had been over for a bit. It's the breakup healing / defense mechanism of thinking one "dodged a bullet". No doubt, my trust for her was shattered, but my emotional investment in her isn't going to just fade away at once. Again, reading the stories of what could have been based on some of the reasons for breached trust has helped me lose emotional investment in her and heal.

"If you lived nearer eachother and actually did traditional dating, you would be far away from this "home stress" - you would be in another state. Or you might have broken up long ago and been on to someone else ....or there would have been more of a foundation between the two of you."

This is a totally moot point and is preaching to the choir. I entirely agree with it as well, which is why I was always trying to work with my ex about closing the distance, be it by me moving to her or her moving to me.

I'm interpreting the placing of home stress in parentheses with a demeaning tone. If so, I find that terribly insulting. To avoid going into too much detail, my mother is very dangerously schizophrenic and has a history of and tendency towards serious violence. I've had to call 911 50-100 times since 2015 and am constantly advised to call more often by the police, social workers, hospital staff, and more. It's a situation that's only really going to be solved by tragedy.

I don’t think asking for people’s horror stories is long term productive. It causes a negative pattern of thinking and outlook.