My husband left me

My husband and I have been married for 2 years. He was in the military and I dropped out of nursing school, and left my life to go to Alaska where he was stationed so that I could be with him. We are both from Pennsylvania but I was living in Florida at the time that I moved. Our agreement was that after he was out of the military, we would move back to florida (where my family was) because my dad had a job for him and it was just an overall better life for us than the little town we are from in PA. Oct of 2017 we found out he was getting med boarded because of an injury, and he also found out that his mother was leaving his father. It was like a switch flipped. He wanted to go back to PA and that was it. No talking about it, no compromise, no nothing. He was having a breakdown and I could see it from a mile away. We managed to work through that, after a few days of me staying at a friends house close-by. He was able to think things through and realized what was important, and he said it was me. Fast forward to now February and it's happened again, only this time, he said he loved Florida since he's been here, NEVER complained since we've been here. Had a job, we were saving so much money, we went out and had a good time on the weekends, went to a lot of sporting events ect. everything that you would think would make someone happy. But obviously he is not. He went for a short trip to PA to visit his grandma who was in the hospital for a brief time and when he came back, he literally packed his car and left me. No warning, no nothing. Just a lot of tears and him saying that he needed to find his "happiness" again and wanted to go and be by his family. He said he still wanted to work on things, but I did't even know things had to be worked on. Things seemed to wonderful. His cousin and her boyfriend even moved down here around the same time we did, in hopes they'd live a better life down here also. I know it's not another girl, i know he isn't cheating.. yet anyway. I just don't know what to do. my heart is broken. should I have offered to go with him, is it fair he just left me here??? I am his wife, shouldn't i be more important to him than being in close distance to his family?? We ARE young 23 and 24 but I still don't see that as an excuse. I feel as though all he wants to do is drink, chew, curse and live the country life like his family. Everyone is telling me i deserve better and to let him go but i just can't. I love him with all of my heart. I feel as though these feelings will never get better. I cry and have a meltdown every 5 seconds and although I shouldn't be texting or calling him, he's the only one i want to talk to when I am sad. And he rarely answers. I just don't know what to do at this point. Heartbreak is brutal. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Ive never been in so much pain.

Is he going through depression or PTSD?

Can you call his family and find out what's going on with him. The way he left would drive most people over the deep end. I'm sorry this is happening to you guys and I hope you get some answers soon. You are married and he should be decent and accountable. Its not like you were in a casual relationship with him.

I agree with contacting his family. Whatever it is happening it's not normal to leave abruptly like this. If he's going through ptsd or other mental issues he should be receiving professional help.

He will not talk to anyone.... i dont think he has ptsd from military because he was not deployed but he was severly abused as a 19 mo baby by his babysitter and almost died and he is having infertility issues and such bevause of that. so i know he definitely is in a dark place. i just dont know what to do- give him time, chase him, i am so lost....

He will not talk to anyone.... i dont think he has ptsd from military because he was not deployed but he was severly abused as a 19 mo baby by his babysitter and almost died and he is having infertility issues and such bevause of that. so i know he definitely is in a dark place. i just dont know what to do- give him time, chase him, i am so lost....

Does his family know he took off? Do they know where he is?

yes, he is with his family. they are all enablers, they all want him to be there. instead of fighting and working for his marriage. he was fine until he went to Pa for those few days...

I think I at least partially get where he is coming from. I left my family and moved a long way because my husband got a promotion several states away. He told me it was just going to be 3 years but after that time, he didn't want to go back. My father got cancer and I visited as much as I could in that year before he died. I've had times that it's been heart-wrrnchibg to be away from family.

Maybe you are both just different to each other, that he has changed his mind because he feels he wants to be near his family - that is his priority.

? So you are near your family but he wasn't?

yes, he is with his family. they are all enablers, they all want him to be there. instead of fighting and working for his marriage. he was fine until he went to Pa for those few days...

Maybe he just needs some space and a mini vacations from life in general. His grandmother is ill and that's likely affecting his demeanour in general. Give it a few days of no contact and if he's not speaking to you by Friday then I'd be catching a bus or a plane to go see if our marriage was salvageable or if I should call a Lawyer and get my rights looked after. He's having another breakdown it seems. Would you be willing to move where his family is if that would sooth his anxiety?

Might be worth reading He's Scared She's Scared.

I'm really sorry your going through heartbreak, it really is every bit as awful as that. Gather your team around you, friends, family, be very very kind to yourself

If he did not ask you to go back with him, I wouldn't follow him.

It sounds like he is not interested in growing up and being

responsible at this time. As hard as it seems you will have a much better

chance starting over with someone else. Chalk one up for experience.

One blessing you do have is you have family and friends near you.

When he said he still wanted to work things out, did he mean he wanted you to move with him?

correct. it would be one thing if his family were people to look up to and the area wasn't bad and there were jobs and opportunities, but to put it bluntly. His mother and father are recently separated because his mom slept with his dads best friend. His sister just got out of rehab from a heroin addiction, his brother is addicted to cocaine and steals money from his family. His father drinks about a 12 pack a day, after his truck driving day of work, and his mother is a nurse but goes out to party every night in town with people that graduated with my husband (mid life crisis) His town is a little tiny redneck town with no jobs and about 5 bars within .5 of a mile. it's dreary, cold, and i just don't see our lives or our marriage thriving there. BUT if it meant saving my marriage, i would do whatever it takes to make it work.... but also don't want to lose myself.

no idea... when we talked he said " i was waiting for you to offer to come" and i said " i was waiting for you to ask me to" but since then he's barely talked to me and has been at the bar every night. which is where he is currently because i can see his location.

correct. it would be one thing if his family were people to look up to and the area wasn't bad and there were jobs and opportunities, but to put it bluntly. His mother and father are recently separated because his mom slept with his dads best friend. His sister just got out of rehab from a heroin addiction, his brother is addicted to cocaine and steals money from his family. His father drinks about a 12 pack a day, after his truck driving day of work, and his mother is a nurse but goes out to party every night in town with people that graduated with my husband (mid life crisis) His town is a little tiny redneck town with no jobs and about 5 bars within .5 of a mile. it's dreary, cold, and i just don't see our lives or our marriage thriving there. BUT if it meant saving my marriage, i would do whatever it takes to make it work.... but also don't want to lose myself.

no idea... when we talked he said " i was waiting for you to offer to come" and i said " i was waiting for you to ask me to"

This is strange. Husbands and wives don't wait for offers or to be asked to come, because they are married. It is the assumption that the couple will remain together. Discussions are had, certainly, about game plans for the next move. But, what you are describing is boyfriend/girlfriend stuff.

I say this only because I am married. My husband and I have far from the perfect marriage, but our living in the same place would never be in question.

Is it possible that he has an old flame that has been rekindled back home?

Sorry to hear this. Hope things work out. You've known for quite a while now that he is homesick and misses his family. Let him take care of what he needs to with his family. You were happy and "things seemed wonderful" because everything was your way near your family, he wasn't and you knew this for some time. Relax and let him visit with his family for a while.

He wanted to go back to PA and that was it. He went for a short trip to PA to visit his grandma who was in the hospital for a brief time and when he came back, he literally packed his car and left me. he needed to find his "happiness" again and wanted to go and be by his family.

I just don't think he's ready to be married, OP.

How long had you been together before you tied the knot? He's been married since he was 22, if I understand the timeline correctly. Most people just aren't ready to settle down forever at that age these days. I know you say that age isn't an excuse; however, he made a lifelong decision when he was barely an adult. It appears to me that he wasn't not prepared for what marriage entails, unfortunately.

I agree with BeenThereB4 that the dynamic between the two of you does not sound like a married couple. That isn't meant as a criticism, but I think it reflects the overall state of your relationship with him. He is behaving as though he has a girlfriend, not a wife. That doesn't give you much to work with if he's unwilling to meet you halfway.

He messaged me this am and said this - "Look Danielle I left bc I wasn’t happy with us with everything. Now I’m trying to keep my mind off of everything ". i didn't respond, should i? if i continually respond will it prolong him missing me???? if i dont respond will he think i dont care???? i would literally drive to pa right now if he asked me to. but i told him lastnight if he asked me i would have come and i got no response. i dont know what go do, does he not want ne anymore???

Don't respond. He's giving you what he thinks is closure. If he doesn't contact you again to tell you more about his breakdown or his loss of love for you then call your lawyer and have him serve him with divorce papers or legal separation papers. It's time for you to protect yourself, your rights, your assets. As hard as it is to accept... look after you now. He's left you in an awful situation.

He's lost his mind. What kind of grown man who isn't in a dark place just up and leaves without at least telling you before hand how unhappy he is with the relationship.

HAS there been any discussions about his not being happy with the relationship in general prior to his leaving?

Sorry your experiencing this. You are not highschoolers you are a married couple, so yes respond. Something like ok, let me know what your plans are. Then let it rest and give him space to miss you and sort out his life and his family problems.

"Look Danielle I left bc I wasn’t happy with us with everything. Now I’m trying to keep my mind off of everything ". i told him lastnight if he asked me i would have come and i got no response.

Your married and still want to be married. He wants to live by his family you were happily living by yours. Well you will have to leave your family to be with your husband. He obviously wants to live in PA. He said he would live by yours but just can't keep his word. Therefore you have to decide do you want to leave your security blanket for him? Because he isn't coming back to Florida anytime soon. I'd ask him if he wants to stay married, before even making the trip. But it's a trip you need to make.

Don't respond. He's giving you what he thinks is closure. If he doesn't contact you again to tell you more about his breakdown or his loss of love for you then call your lawyer and have him serve him with divorce papers or legal separation papers. It's time for you to protect yourself, your rights, your assets. As hard as it is to accept... look after you now. He's left you in an awful situation.

 

He's lost his mind. What kind of grown man who isn't in a dark place just up and leaves without at least telling you before hand how unhappy he is with the relationship.

 

HAS there been any discussions about his not being happy with the relationship in general prior to his leaving?

I would be more along this line of advice. I would not respond, certainly at least not right away. I know you are worried that you think he will think that you dont care, but at this point he also doesnt care about you, he is more concerned with himself and figure out his issues, so I think you need to give him that space. Of course the fact that you have a marriage certificate between you complicates things somewhat, but maybe set that fact aside for now and also use this time to reflect on what you really want as well.

You are SO young (and by his actions he obviously is too) and I know you are more concerned with soothing this acute pain that you're experiencing right now but try to think long term. If his goal in life is to live out his days in this hicktown in PA, is that really what you want for yourself? once you've reflected on that and are clear in your vision, then maybe try to talk with him and see if you guys align on a similar vision and also what it was making him unhappy. But I have a feeling he will not have made much progress in his ability to articulate himself. Then you need to decide, and as ThiswasThen said, take care of yourself and proceed with moving on to something better.

I'm sorry, but it appears to me that alcohol is playing a big part of all this. He is being sucked in by all of this. That is his happy place. It would not be yours. This is his priority now; it is not you. Leaving him to think about your marriage is giving him space to just get down and stoned. This is a done deal. You need to think of yourself. Consult with an attorney and move on. This is a critical time in your life as to what you decide to do. Go where he is and you are a cooked goose with no way out. Pick yourself up and start all over again. You can do this. You may love him....but you can't live like that. And you are no longer his priority. chi

You seem very insightful into the problem. It seems your friends and family have your back and can see things more objectively. Focus on your local life, work friends and family. It may be a blessing that he left and you can get out of this marriage.

I feel as though all he wants to do is drink, chew, curse and live the country life like his family. Everyone is telling me i deserve better and to let him go