My Girlfriend broke a promise

I told my girlfriend something, not about myself, but something that i didnt want anyone other than her to know. She promised me she would never ever tell anyone, and just today i found out that she told one of her friends everything that i told her. I dont know what to do, im incredibly hurt and im unsure if i can trust her with things like this ever again. We have been dating for a little over a year now and we have been incredibly happy, i just dont know what to do in this situation... im hurting alot

That depends… What did you tell her?

It doesn’t matter what he told her. What matters is, he asked her not to tell anyone, and she did. She broke his confidence in her, and that sucks.

It was something about a friend of mine, he cheated on his girlfriend multiple times and told me about it and i didnt know what to do and knowing about it was eating me inside so i vented to my girlfriend about it... I really made her promise not to tell anyone.. Just 40 minutes ago i found out she told a friend of hers about all of it..And it really scares me because not only did my girlfriend break her promise.. She broke her promise and told someone with a very large mouth and it might cause me alot of trouble with my friend(the one who cheated on his girlfriend)

She definitely broke my confidence in my ability to trust her.. I just don't know what to do about that

Gotta agree with LHGirl. If my lady tells me something in confidence, I don't turn around and think in my head, "Well does it really matter if I tell someone else?" I respect her and assume she's got her reasons. I'd have a really hard time hanging onto someone if I weren't confident they could maintain my confidence.

Still, with regard to just how much of a hard stop it would be for me, there is some room for the devil in the details. If it's something more sympathy driven rather than her just wanting to gossip, I'd consider it more forgivable. Also, and not a defense of it, some people gauge that kind of thing more practically, in essence not seeing the harm in someone who's never going to meet someone knowing something about said someone. Again, not defending it, but perhaps some hope that, if you emphasize how important it is to keep your confidence, she may be able to readjust her thinking a bit.

Then there's also whether this is a case of the pot calling the kettle black. I know some people treat relationships as some kind of bubble where all secrets can fly, regardless of whose they are, but if what you shared with her is something that the someone else didn't want shared, you pretty much set the precedent. Not saying or assuming that's the case, just throwing it out there.

You tell her exactly what you wrote here, in your first post. That you can no longer trust her. And, since trust is the foundation for a relationship, that you will have to think about your future, if there even is one. Then, stop talking. See how she reacts. If she’s full of excuses, you know what to do, unfortunately. If she listens to understand, and apologizes sincerely, then you may have another chance.

I’d be pissed.

Erm... did the friend not want you to tell anyone either? Think about it.

You tell her exactly what you wrote here, in your first post. That you can no longer trust her. And, since trust is the foundation for a relationship, that you will have to think about your future, if there even is one. Then, stop talking. See how she reacts. If she’s full of excuses, you know what to do, unfortunately. If she listens to understand, and apologizes sincerely, then you may have another chance.

 

I’d be pissed.

what do i do if she doesnt give a damn and gets mad in return because im "making nothing into a big deal"

what do i do if she doesnt give a damn and gets mad in return because im "making nothing into a big deal"

That means she has no empathy for you and you only have one route, break up.

This is why we date, to build a foundation for a long term lasting relationship. What you have is NOT that.

Erm... did the friend not want you to tell anyone either? Think about it.

At least I do. Don't tell me something if you don't want my other half to know. Don't ever expect me to keep something away from her.

That means she has no empathy for you and you only have one route, break up.

 

This is why we date, to build a foundation for a long term lasting relationship. What you have is NOT that.

I dont think i can do that... She's been my everything for a year and i dont know where i would be if she was gone.. I think im just suppose to get over it... and move on

I dont think i can do that... She's been my everything for a year and i dont know where i would be if she was gone.. I think im just suppose to get over it... and move on

1 year is nothing. You get what you believe you deserve.

This is not how long term quality relationship are built.

Don't tell me something if you don't want my other half to know. Don't ever expect me to keep something away from her.

That's absolutely fine if it's stated up front. I think it's fine to warn someone along the lines you describe, e.g. "Don't say anything more unless you're cool with me sharing with xxx..."

However, if the OP's friend shared the story of his adventures on the understanding that it would go no further, the OP shouldn't have told his girlfriend. You shouldn't be keeping secrets which would affect your relationship and that your partner needs to know about, but many of us work in areas where confidentiality is a MUST, and in that respect things are bound to be kept from your partner.

In other words, don't accept a confidence if you're not prepared to keep it confidential.

Agreed on stating it upfront. Personally, I don't treat my relationship as a gossip circle and my partner's isn't the only confidence I respect. And I do believe that should be the default assumption. Bear in mind, I'm also not coming home with something goofy like, "o m g, Jose told me something that's totes juicy and made me promise not to tell you, sorry." There are simply things said to me that my partner has no reason to know, so she's got no idea such information exists to begin with. Again, more power to you if you've got your own standard, but I think the standard that better respects people's privacy and confidence should be the default assumption left for you to state otherwise.

Is this the first time this has happened or has it been a repetitive thing? If it's the first time it's happened, explain to her that you wish she would keep things confidential when you asked her to. I'm sure if she's "your everything" and if you mean as much to her as she does to you, she will understand and all will be well.

Talk to her, tell her how you feel, see what she does. That'll tell you a lot.

I'd hold off telling her anything you don't want others to know for a while at least. She has to earn it back if she wants .

There are always deal breakers in a relationship. Is this a deal breaker or an opportunity to restate boundaries and move forward? I am the type of person that thinks, ok one mistake happens, talk about it and move on. If it happens again, restate the boundaries as the last warning. Third time it's done. If you mean that much to her, she will stop her behavior because it's important to you. If she blows you off and says you are over reacting, then that's a sign of what she really thinks of you.

Did you ask her why she told the secret to someone else?

I never tell anyone ANYTHING that I don't expect their SO to also hear. I don't, because my wife constantly gossips to me, and I just assume everybody else's SO does the same thing, and a vast majority of couples probably do. The reason I'm okay with this is we have the expectation, and this has been spelled out EXPLICTLY, that anything we say to eachother does not leave the room.

She shouldn't have made a promise, and that was really crappy, and I would never trust her with a secret again. If can live with never telling her a secret again, fine. If you can't, you should break up with her, or at least give her a very strong warning that if she ever does something like this again, you're out. No third chances.

Doesn’t give a damn and you should get over it? This is the girl that is your everything? You e been with her a year which is about the time people unveil who they really are. The honeymoon phase has ended and people aren’t on their best behavior. I once read a quote that stuck with me, “when someone shows you who they really are believe them”

Didn't you also break a promise to your friend to not tell anyone...?

Didn't you also break a promise to your friend to not tell anyone...?

Good point!

Didn't you also break a promise to your friend to not tell anyone...?

That’s not the question, or the issue here. The OP is talking only about what he told his girlfriend, and the confidence that she broke.