"Friends" at work telling me I am being ungrateful...

Hi guys,

This is my first time posting here and to tell you the truth, I feel a little lame for posting about this but I wanted insight from an outside perspective.

I have been working at an agency for about 4 years along with 2 of my friends from grad school, J and B. Recently a division in the agency offered a position all 3 of us were interested in, but B hates her current job so much she wanted it the most.

One day, I missed a phone call from an unknown number and the voicemail was not clear (the voice was breaking as though the person on the other end had poor reception) so I deleted the message and didn't think anything of it. Almost immediately, I received a group text message where B shared she got an interview so I put two and two together and realized that was the number that had called. So I verified that with her and called them back. I never thought that was a big deal until now.

The day of the interview came about and I took the time slot B turned down. Now, I got the position and B did not. J and B have been cold and distant to the point that I decided not to have lunch with them as frequently as before.

Yesterday I was having lunch with J and when I was trying to voice how I felt about the situation, she snapped at me telling me if "I felt lucky" that B told me I had missed that call and told me how B somehow got me to where I am. She even brought up the fact I took the time slot that was supposed to be B's.

B made similar comments when I went to check if she was ok the day we found out she didn't get it. As much as I appreciate the fact B confirmed that was my missed call, I do not feel she "got me" anywhere...but I am guessing the full conversation with J got to me slightly.

In the middle of the conversation, she accused me of "getting easily offended and being too sensitive" so I guess I'm trying to share my experience to see what an outside person would think about this.

Thanks for your time.

I think they’re being unprofessional. It really sucks to not get a promotion you wanted, it’s happened to me before. But you suck it up and congratulate the person. It makes no sense to create drama where you work and I find it very immature for them to react this way. Hopefully with time it will pass. It seems they are reacting out of the emotion of being rejected. They should get over it in time.

Congratulations on the promotion!

It sounds like the other two are jealous you got the job. They didnt get you anywhere, you got the job because you were qualified for it and the boss chose you.

I'm confused. Why did she turn it down if she hates her current job so much? Were there multiple shifts for the position? Did she think it'd be for a different shift?

It sounds like your friend is envious it all worked out for you and now she's stuck (in her mind, at least). Further, she probably lost respect for you as you elected to simply delete a voicemail and not phone back after knowing there was a position you wanted looking to get filled, and essentially did depend on her information to follow up and subsequently get the job. It does kinda scream, "I couldn't be bothered," yet you get to enjoy it having worked out pretty well in your favor. So I can, on some level, albeit a very limited one, maybe understand some resentment on her end.

That said, I'm the kind of person who sees something go well for someone else and, if they're a cool person, I'm nothing but happy for them, or if they're kind of a d*ck, I just shrug my shoulders. To me, it kinda smacks of entitlement when people get salty over this kind of stuff, but I do understand plenty of people are that type of way. You either navigate around it by killing them with understanding and kindness, or you drop them out of your life. Up to you how much they're worth.

Sorry, I meant to say she turned down the morning interview time slot and took a later time. I actually erased the voicemail because I had been receiving a lot of annoying spam phone calls that left similar voicemails and we had not heard from anyone in this position for about 5 months so I assumed it simply meant we didn't get it but I see your point.

Thanks for your input, I do think in this case, B is disappointed and resents me for getting the job she wanted...but J got a different position within these 5 months we hadn't heard from the division so I don't fully understand HER. I understand she's trying to support B because they're closer friends but I guess I expected her to at least be neutral...

Sorry, I meant to say she turned down the morning interview time slot and took a later time. I actually erased the voicemail because I had been receiving a lot of annoying spam phone calls that left similar voicemails and we had not heard from anyone in this position for about 5 months so I assumed it simply meant we didn't get it but I see your point.

 

Thanks for your input, I do think in this case, B is disappointed and resents me for getting the job she wanted...but J got a position within these 5 months we hadn't heard from the division so I don't fully understand HER. I understand she's trying to support B because they're closer friends but I guess I expected her to at least be neutral...

Again, I maintain she shouldn't be outwardly crabby about it, if for no other reason than perhaps she shouldn't be assuming she'd have gotten the job if you didn't take it (I'm sure it was more than just the three of you being considered), but in your shoes I would probably show some humility without necessarily bending over for her and see if it boils over. I hope at some point you did thank her and expressed how you're aware you wouldn't have had the opportunity had it not been for her?

She could have been super negative in the interview droning on how she hated her current job. Trust me, no potential employer cares to hear an applicant whining, and I guarantee that's what they picked up on. And that you were the best candidate, and got the job. Forget them. Some people's true colors shine when they are put to the test. Weather day friends are only friends when it suits them, and will envy your success. Sorry they are lame, but focus on your climbing that ladder, and make actual friends who are happy when things are good and bad.

I would recommend to my "friend" that phoning the interview panel and asking for feedback on why she didn't get the position is always an option. Maybe that will open her eyes to the real reason why she didn't succeed. They also sound like they are forming a jealous little clique and I would steer well clear of that and don't let it affect you, because that's probably what they want whilst in the midst of their jealous rage.

To me, it's immaturity and sour grapes.

This situation, If I were B I would have said; "I hate that you got that job and I didn't, now come here so I can give you a congratulatory hug." (all said with a genuine smile) Since it didn't go down that way, I (if I were you) would just say; I'm sorry you both feel that way, what can I do to fix this? If they continue with their resentment and sour grapes after that then just know you're better off without them in your life and enjoy your new position where you'll make other friends.

Are you the person at your company that is in charge of receiving calls from people and scheduling the interviews?

I find it helpful to continually remind myself: "Work is NOT a therapeutic environment." This means that the behaviors of others are not my responsibility, but rather, my reaction to them is. The rest is outside of my scope. Attempting to manipulate others to get the emotional responses I want from them can sabotage ME.

If two people were being cold to me, the last thing I'd do is lunch with one of those people and talk about about the other. That boils down to gossip--and it makes zero sense to expect confidentiality or empathy from someone who's already demo'd her position by being cold to you. So why would it surprise you that she'd twist anything you say about the other into the worst possible light and relay it back to the other?

You got a promotion, and that's great. Two people went cold on you. That's dumb, but I wouldn't make it my problem by engaging it. I'd continue to treat each of them warmly whenever our paths cross, but beyond that, they've shown their stripes and their behavior is designed to provoke you into getting down into the dirt with them. I wouldn't play. My failure to acknowledge the change in their behavior would be the only message I'd send. I'd allow time and my continued warmth and professionalism to do the only mending that can be done.

Make other work friends, but never to the degree that they perceive an opening to flake and manipulate you emotionally. Work is work--so I'd keep my friendships professional. I would speak 'about' NO ONE on the job, and I'd move arm's length away from anyone who demo's an inability to remain professional.

If someone will gossip TO you, they will also gossip ABOUT you.

Head high, and congrats on your promotion.

You were hired based on your interview, not on who wanted the job more or who interviewed first.

Yes, she helped you by answering honestly. There was no deception on her part, and it doesn't sound like deception on yours. My guess is you didn't talk negatively about her during your interview.

I wouldn't engage in an argument with her about it. Thanking her once is fine. Doing your job is your goal. Her behavior is in line with her *hating her job so she wants it the most*, in that she has a lot of negative emotion invested in the situation. But that is not what the job is about. Let her have her feelings, her disappointment.

Sour grapes.

This is what a real friend would have said:

"I hate that you got that job and I didn't, now come here so I can give you a congratulatory hug." (all said with a genuine smile)