Could my boyfriends flirting with my friends really be harmless?

Hi! I'm looking for some insights from guys, or also women who have had this issue and what the outcome was.

I've been with my boyfriend for just over 6 months and in most ways its amazing and we fit together so well. The problem is the way he is with other women. At the beginning of our relationship we almost broke up because he was allowing an ex to basically treat him like a bf still without the physical side.

A problem now is that whenever we go out with my single friends he is very flirty and fixated on them and directs the conversation as if I'm not there. Afterwards he spends time reflecting to me about what he likes about them including that they are pretty/cute as he does to me about other woman he meets in daily life. I know some people are just flirty natured and that's the way they are but it seems very intentional. He is not like this with my friends he knows have bfs or towards his best friends girlfriend for example. The worst thing is the past 3 times hanging out with different friends he has picked up on something they've said and lectured me there and then on how I should be like that too. It makes me feel very belittled and embarrassed. The 1st time it happened I confronted him after and he gave an excuse of wishing HE did that and apologised for projecting it on me. Now I feel like I can't go out with him with my single friends until this is resolved which is awful.

We have a great honesty/openess so I don't suspect he is currently cheating me or anything but I feel like he enjoys indulging in what it could be like to be with a woman with x y or z qualities and wonder where it will lead.

No it is not harmless.

He is disrespecting you and you are allowing it.

There are boundaries in relationships and he is crossing all kinds of them.

He has devalued you in this relationship and is picking you apart in his mind as he compares you to them.

In the end it isn't your job or place to teach him how to treat the woman in his life when in a relationship but it is your job to stand up for yourself and not allow this kind of treatment. If that means it causes the end of this relationship then it should end.

I am sorry I don't see him changing his ways until he gets dumped a few times and starts to wonder why it keeps happening.

Lost

At the beginning of our relationship we almost broke up because he was allowing an ex to basically treat him like a bf still without the physical side.

I can be friendly or "flirting" (depends who you ask and what they're subjective opinion of it is) with my lady's friends. I can't say I've ever been laying next to her and blurted out random qualities of her friends I wish she had, though. Her friends aren't colors on a palette I'm meant to paint the perfect picture of a girlfriend with.

But this made me groan a bit:

Now I feel like I can't go out with him with my single friends until this is resolved which is awful.

I mean what are you going to do? Bring dog treats with you whenever you two go out with friends and give him one whenever he doesn't take it as an opportunity to fish for attractive attributes?

I think you're setting yourself up for a headache. Find a man you don't feel compelled to train.

Do your friends flirt back with him?

If they do, and they stop, he will most likely give up doing that.

That being said, he is rude and disrespectful to you to compare.

I'd simply tell him if he likes them so much, he can have them.

I just went through this summer with two of my friends.

My ex intimately kissed them both, right in front of me.

They had all been drinking, but I see it as no excuse.

They all knew what they were doing. He did it to see how far he could push me, because he's an idiot.

My point is, these two gf's are both married yet attention-starved. They will go with anyone who

pays them a little mind. It's sickening. Do you think he does it because he is insecure within himself,

and needs attention?

I'm also wondering if you get a lot of attention from other guys? I ask because some will flirt hard with

others when they are jealous of guys flirting with you.

No, this is not good at all.

This is disrespectful, and I wouldn't like it either.

The fact that you saw this connection to his ex early on tells me that this is just who he is.

Add to this, the fact that he needs to discuss these women with you afterwards, breaking down their physical beauty is....downright awful.

I hate to say this, but I'd end it now. You'll live a lifetime of anxiety with this one.

 

The fact that you saw this connection to his ex early on tells me that this is just who he is.

 

It wasn't his most current ex, it was an ex from several years ago who he stayed friends with and girls who he had dated in between didn't have a problem with it. But she would be calling him up crying to him about her problems and throwing tantrums if he didn't return her call all weekend. Then I said it was much more for her emotionally than just "an ex that she ended on good terms with". But I guess I should have just walked away from it then.

SweetGirl No my friends are not flirty to him, they are just nice and normally friendly. I don't get above average attention from guys either, especially when we are together!

Look, people are not going to stop doing something they enjoy. Particularly when there are no consequences other than someone complaining about it. After all, you stay, don't you?

He'll keep doing this because he likes it and you put up with it. You stick around hoping he'll "see the light" someday and stop. But, again, since he likes it he'll keep doing it knowing you won't leave him.

My ex used to do this. Flirt heavily with ANYONE other than me. I wondered why he bothered bringing me with him when he obviously would rather flirt and try to "hook up" with other women. And I too stuck around, hoping he'd see how "cool" I was and how I wouldn't try to restrict him and that would make him want to be with me and only me. Didn't work. He eventually dumped me (over email!) for one of the women he was flirting with in front of me.

If you can put up with this happily, then stay. If not, the only option is to let him know it's unacceptable and you'll leave if he doesn't stop, then follow through.

One more thing...no one finds a doormat attractive. People just wipe their feet on them. If you stick around accepting his behavior I guarantee he will stop finding you attractive. And he most certainly will not respect you.

SweetGirl No my friends are not flirty to him, they are just nice and normally friendly. I don't get above average attention from guys either, especially when we are together!

Good to hear this! They respect you.

He, however, does not.

Give him an ultimatum. Stop it or you're going to leave him. See what he does.

If he leaves, no loss to you because you deserve better!

You can confront him and give him ultimatums until you are blue in the face. Nothing will change in the end though. He is just a dog acting like a dog and that's that.

Actually he is acting like he is just not that into you at all. Like you are just barely good enough for now while he can't get anyone better girl. The second he gets his hands on better, you'll get dumped. I suggest that this is a situation where you beat him to it, dump him, find your self respect and move on to a guy who actually likes you, respects you, and genuinely wants to be with you.

Being flirty, meh. My wife is a bit flirty with people. That alone isn't a big deal to me, but I know her very well and she doesn't see it as flirting, she is just that way. She also doesn't really distinguish between people in relationships or not, or even gender.

But ignoring you when out and flirting with your singles friends is not cool. In my opinion that is just a bit of a slap in the face to the person he should give the most attention to.

My wife might be flirty but there is no question that when we are out together we are both each others top priority.

Wow, my ex would propably cut my head off and throw it into the fire if I would ever even start to flirt with other girls haha. She was even mad when I was looking at other girls. Her insecurities were crippling on me.

From my perspective it is not harmfull and he wont cheat.

I would say give him space to do that but if you feel like he is crossing some barriers then set a boundry. If he is for example ignoring you while taking care of other girls then that is pretty disrespecting hm.

Dump him! Disrespectful and rude!

This has huge red flags all over it, and you know it. Why are you staying with this attention seeking creep?????

Yes, I know there are a big red flags but my confusion about whether or not to end things has been because although the way he analyses the qualities of other women and flirts with them makes me thinking that in his head he is still "shopping" and trying to build up an idea of the type of girl he would leave me for if she showed interest, his actions and behaviour otherwise are conflicting. He has invited me along to family events and is always keen to display to them that I'm a big part of my life and include me. Like he often puts me on the phone to his grandparents who he is a very close to, if not he just talks about me and my news. His friends have also mentioned to me that its came up in conversation him asking them for advice about the type of areas of town we can look for our home together etc. Because he's talking about apartment hunting in a few months and also because I can't cope with another flirting session with my friends I know it's time not to waste anymore time on something that's not right.

Yes, I know there are a big red flags but my confusion about whether or not to end things has been because although the way he analyses the qualities of other women and flirts with them makes me thinking that in his head he is still "shopping" and trying to build up an idea of the type of girl he would leave me for if she showed interest, his actions and behaviour otherwise are conflicting. He has invited me along to family events and is always keen to display to them that I'm a big part of my life and include me. Like he often puts me on the phone to his grandparents who he is a very close to, if not he just talks about me and my news. His friends have also mentioned to me that its came up in conversation him asking them for advice about the type of areas of town we can look for our home together etc. Because he's talking about apartment hunting in a few months and also because I can't cope with another flirting session with my friends I know it's time not to waste anymore time on something that's not right.

Does any of that cancel out his flirting behaviors and the way he talks about your friends to you?

Yes, I know there are a big red flags but my confusion about whether or not to end things has been because although the way he analyses the qualities of other women and flirts with them makes me thinking that in his head he is still "shopping" and trying to build up an idea of the type of girl he would leave me for if she showed interest, his actions and behaviour otherwise are conflicting. He has invited me along to family events and is always keen to display to them that I'm a big part of my life and include me. Like he often puts me on the phone to his grandparents who he is a very close to, if not he just talks about me and my news. His friends have also mentioned to me that its came up in conversation him asking them for advice about the type of areas of town we can look for our home together etc. Because he's talking about apartment hunting in a few months and also because I can't cope with another flirting session with my friends I know it's time not to waste anymore time on something that's not right.

You are overthinking the reasoning.

The guy does not respect you. You need to respect yourself and find someone new.

How would you advise a sister, daughter or best girlfriend, if they were experiencing this?

It sounds like he is using you to meet other women and as soon as one of your friends shows interest in him you are out and she is in.

You can do way better than this guy. Heck being alone it better than being with this guy!!!

Dump him

Lost