Commitment Phobic boyfriend

Help..... trying to decide what to do.....

I've read a lot of articles about commitment phobia, and they all describe my "non-boyfriend" very well.... not everything, but many things describe him.

Everyone tells me that I need to just move on, but I really miss him, and I want him back. Someone please talk some sense into me. I'm trying really hard not to send him a text message to reach out to him....

We started dating almost 1-1/2 years ago. After about 4 months he backed off and disappeared on me. He was the sweetest and most attentive person I've been with in a long time. Never had a bad word to say. Then when he started getting distant, and I asked him if we could talk, he said a couple of things that I think he was hoping would make me mad so that I would break it off with him.... he said that he thought I was just out for a good time and was upset that I never offered to pay on dates. It didn't work... I was too understanding and I apologized and said I didn't know that was something that was bothering him.....so we didn't get together for another month, and that time we were together, after being intimate, I could tell he was done. He actually looked at me as if he were disgusted. I left and I didn't hear from him for 3 months..... he texted me a happy birthday and we talked back and forth, but we didn't start dating again for about another 6 weeks after that. Once we started dating again, everything was amazing.....he would text me every day, we went out and did things together, ....and we've been dating since January.....

Well, a couple of months ago, things started to get really good.... I was falling in love. He acted like he felt the same way... but I think it freaked him out because he started to get distant again. I was moving closer to him, and I started talking about making plans to do things together this summer..... I mentioned that we should go on a weekend trip together....etc etc... but I wasn't paying attention to his distance. I should have seen it and backed off, but I was really loving the closeness and I wanted more. He wasn't reacting great to the idea of making plans with me. He started making excuses to not get together. He's a truck driver and he suddenly got really busy and had to work a lot. I asked about going to a concert with him on July 4th that he always goes to, and he took me last year..... but every time I mentioned it he came up with an excuse as to why he couldn't take me.... then he finally told me that night that he had to work and unfortunately he had missed the concert. That sounded very strange, because he ALWAYS goes...,he told me he never misses it. I started to wonder if maybe he took someone else..... but I guess it could also have been that he was just done with our relationship and didn't want to take me.

We did go on a little overnight trip to a mountain town about a month ago (just a few days before that concert). He made an effort to plan it and said he was looking forward to it, but at the same time, he didn't sound like he really wanted to do it, and when we were there, it was very obvious that something wasn't right. He was very distant, but at the same time he still seemed very interested in us. I was getting mixed messages. It was very different from last fall when he seemed done with the relationship. This time he just seemed more scared.... like he really wanted to be with me, but the direction that things were going was more than he could handle. When I confronted him about him being distant, he said he just had some things going on in his life that he probably should have told me about....but it was a week before we got together again and he finally told me that he was upset about his son (thinks he's taking drugs), and he lost a client at work (first time he ever lost a client that way)..... but it really sounded like an excuse to me. He normally would just share things like that with me.

He continued to text me and acted like everything was fine....he still acted very interested....he was just avoiding. I always give him his space because I know that he needs a lot of it.... but I was getting worried, so I asked if we could talk. We got together and I told him that I wanted to be "girlfriend" and "boyfriend". It had been almost 1-1/2 years and I didn't like that he wasn't telling people that we were dating. His kids did know about me, but he wasn't telling anyone else. I see now that the conversation I had with him was the last thing I should have done. I think that pushed him over the edge and totally pushed him away.... could I have saved this if I had just backed off and let him take some space? I should have seen that he was scared and I should have backed off.... but I also felt like I was giving up my needs once again in a relationship and trying to accommodate all of his needs. I just wanted him to show me a little respect by giving me "girlfriend" status. He had made it clear from the very beginning that he didn't want a serious relationship...and I agreed to keep this fun and casual (but we both agreed to not date anyone else). So, I guess in a way, I broke the agreement when those feelings started creeping in and I asked him for a commitment.

In reality, what we were doing was working for me. I was married for 22 years, and I wasn't really ready for a serious relationship. I was happy with keeping it casual....just getting together once a week.

I think I messed everything up..... after our serious talk about me wanting "girlfriend" status, he texted a few more times, and he was avoiding getting together, but he was still initiating the texts and acting very interested. Then I asked him if we could get together and he avoided again.....then he disappeared on me. I didn't hear from him for a week. I get really emotional, and let it all build up, and then I sent him a text and went off on him. I accused him of cheating on me, and of lying, and told him I was hurting, and that I wish he'd just told me this wasn't working for him, and basically I was assuming that it was over. He texted back and said he was on his way out of town, but we could talk when he got back. I sent him a couple more long texts begging for closure and to just tell me what happened.... he answered and said "The boyfriend girlfriend thing really scared me. I was just taking some time to think about it." I sent him 2 more really long texts, and that was it.....I haven't heard from him for another week.

Uggg..... sorry that was so long. I just don't know what to do. I really messed up by going off on him, but do I need to just be done with this?

Should I try to fix it? If so, should I give him another week or two to process? Should I wait for him to contact me? Should I send him a text and apologize for going off on him? Should I ask to talk?

I just really miss him..... and I don't want to go out and find someone else to date. I just want things back the way they were.....but he really fits the part of the profile of "love the chase but not the catch." I think he was loving it as long as things didn't get serious.... and as soon as they did, he lost interest.... and/or got scared.

The other thing is that I have a serious "fear of abandonment" issue from being adopted, so when he does his disappearing act, I tend to freak out a little. It's not that I can't have a casual relationship, but I really need to know that he's not going to just disappear..... so that is a problem considering that's what he does. I keep thinking we could work something out....like if he's feeling a need for space, he could just text me a smiley face or something.... just to let me know he needs space, but he's not disappearing. But he's really bad at communicating, so I don't know if he would do it.

In reality, I probably just need to find someone who treats me better.....someone I can communicate with.....someone who has enough respect for me that they won't disappear when they know that is going to trigger some major stress for me.

I'm just terrified of going out there in the dating world and ending up with another psychopath like my ex-husband. I guess in a way, this current guy is somewhat "safe" to me....no commitment means if he turns out to be crazy, I can walk away. However, he is similar to my ex in the fact that he's not there for me emotionally

I'm so conflicted.......

Good grief! You are together for 1.5 years and you're still not in a relationship! I'm sorry, but he is just not that into you. You are a convenience.

Honey, this is not about him, but you. He has clearly shown you that he DOES NOT want a committed relationship with you, so why do you keep hanging on?

You should address your own commitment issues, because if you were available emotionally, YOU WOULDN'T BE WITH THIS CLOWN! You are choosing guys like this, because they are safe, and you will not have to let them in.

I suggest you block and delete this dude - he will be back for another run on the hamster wheel - and look into your own issues. I strongly suggest baggagereclaim.com for your own emotional unavailability.

He's not being a commitmentpbobe. He just doesn't want a relationship with you. You don't seem to know how to take no for an answer so he gets to the point of giving you excuses. If I had to guess, either the sex is worth the drana to him or, for whatever reason, he's afraid of plainly cutting you out himself.

You talk about abandonment issues and fear of ending up with a psychopath. I think you should tackle those matters before dating again.

You should end this relationship and have some respect for yourself. This guy is obviously sleeping around with other women while trucking.

He just keeping you around for sex and doesn't like you how you like him.. He sounds like a grown man with kids. He knows what he wants and nothing is going to change him.

Good luck.

Don't ever, ever ALLOW yourself to be someone's secret.

Also, you should not be in a relationship, which involves walking on eggshells. Expect more for yourself!

The other thing is that I have a serious "fear of abandonment" issue from being adopted,

You need to work through this. Also, your adopted parents chose you, wanted you and have not left you. Maybe focus on that and stop projecting onto men. He doesn't have a commitment issue -- he just isn't that into you. You were not dating for 1 1/2 years -- you dated for a few months and he decided you weren't for him - he thought you were looking for something different than him and he probably dated others for a few months. Then you were not dating for about 4 1/2 months. So apparently, he decided to come back to the well.

I was married for 22 years, and I wasn't really ready for a serious relationship. I was happy with keeping it casual....just getting together once a week.

If that's what you wanted --- fine...but them you wanted more from him...and as someone busy with adult children thinking that someone's on drugs, working as a trucker and being gone alot - he didn't want to get into anything serious either.

So make up your mind on what you want. If you are really not ready to get into a relationship than don't go out with men or only go out as the plus one with a guy friend who wants to go to a concert, or go on coffee dates. Don't expect a relationship from a man you met when you both were looking for casual. when you want a relationship, look for a guy who wants the same.

You should address your own commitment issues, because if you were available emotionally, YOU WOULDN'T BE WITH THIS CLOWN! You are choosing guys like this, because they are safe, and you will not have to let them in.

 

Don't ever, ever ALLOW yourself to be someone's secret.

 

Also, you should not be in a relationship, which involves walking on eggshells. Expect more for yourself!

Yes, I do think I also have commitment issues.....kinda why this thing was working for me.... but being dumped sucks, and I'm just hurting right now. I miss the fun times. And I agree about the fact that I shouldn't be anyone's secret.... it wasn't that way in the beginning... he introduced me to all of his friends and his son that lives here.....and I don't like walking on eggshells. I did that with my mom my whole life. It isn't fun. I need to be with someone that I can be myself with!! Thanks for those words!!

happyfrank

You should end this relationship and have some respect for yourself. This guy is obviously sleeping around with other women while trucking.

 

He just keeping you around for sex and doesn't like you how you like him.. He sounds like a grown man with kids. He knows what he wants and nothing is going to change him.

Thank you for that!! I always appreciate a guys perspective. Guys usually know what's going on, and sometimes I ignore the red flags..I'm working on that.... He just seemed to be getting so close to me for awhile there...he was the one talking about the future and making plans and he was wanting to see me every week and was always texting me about how much he was looking forward to our next date and that he missed me, and he wanted me to come up and meet his daughter when she was in town.... just the last few weeks he was getting distant, and on our last little trip is when I noticed that he wasn't telling anyone he was with me (when his brothers and friends called and asked him what he was doing.) But now I know that he was already done with us at that point.

j.man

He's not being a commitmentpbobe. He just doesn't want a relationship with you. You don't seem to know how to take no for an answer so he gets to the point of giving you excuses. If I had to guess, either the sex is worth the drana to him or, for whatever reason, he's afraid of plainly cutting you out himself.

 

You talk about abandonment issues and fear of ending up with a psychopath. I think you should tackle those matters before dating again.

He wasn't giving me excuses until the very end....just those last few weeks that I thought things were moving forward and I suggested doing things with him (instead of letting him plan everything)...that's when he started backing off and making excuses. There was no drama with me....except for those last few texts I sent him. Those were pretty drama filled, but before that there was zero drama....we just enjoyed each other whenever we could get together.

I am working on my issues. I'm seeing a counselor, and I also joined a DivorceCare group to work through some unresolved issues from my divorce.

..... and I'm seriously thinking about never dating again. I honestly don't know if there is one single guy out there who can be trusted. How can you ever know if a guy is really into you or not? How do you know if their words are real? Most guys are really good at saying all of the right things, but eventually you figure out that it was all a lie. Even when they marry you....eventually you figure out that they only told you all of those things that you wanted to hear because they wanted a status symbol...not a marriage.

He had made it clear from the very beginning that he didn't want a serious relationship...and I agreed to keep this fun and casual

He's not changing "the agreement" for you so I think for your own sanity you should tell him that you're ending the friends with benefits dynamic with him and he knows where to find you if he wants to "put a ring on it." Then do the cold turkey withdrawl through zero contact to rehab from your addiction to him.

Never settle for glorified booty calls when you can have it all with a good man. He's nothing to write to mom about.

p.s.

Most guys are really good at saying all of the right things,

If he truly wanted to be in a relationship with you, he's never take the risk of losing you. Stop sleeping with him, watch him run, and there's your answer.

Set your standards at a higher level.

Stop sleeping with him

What's funny is that he took his time getting intimate with me......I thought he was different. All other guys think they can get in your pants on the 2nd date. He waited 2 months to even try..... I guess I could just tell all guys no sex until we're married, but honestly, how many will stick around for 2 years to wait? And what if they're terrible in bed? I love that part of the relationship....but my ex-husband was horrible in bed...... 22 years of down right repulsive sex.....

So why did he wait 2 months? Just to earn my trust so he could really deceive me? So, like I say...... no men can be trusted..... even if their actions say they can.

Yes, I do think I also have commitment issues.....kinda why this thing was working for me.... but being dumped sucks, and I'm just hurting right now. I miss the fun times. And I agree about the fact that I shouldn't be anyone's secret.... it wasn't that way in the beginning... he introduced me to all of his friends and his son that lives here.....and I don't like walking on eggshells. I did that with my mom my whole life. It isn't fun. I need to be with someone that I can be myself with!! Thanks

 

 

 

Thank you for that!! I always appreciate a guys perspective. Guys usually know what's going on, and sometimes I ignore the red flags..I'm working on that.... He just seemed to be getting so close to me for awhile there...he was the one talking about the future and making plans and he was wanting to see me every week and was always texting me about how much he was looking forward to our next date and that he missed me, and he wanted me to come up and meet his daughter when she was in town.... just the last few weeks he was getting distant, and on our last little trip is when I noticed that he wasn't telling anyone he was with me (when his brothers and friends called and asked him what he was doing.) But now I know that he was already done with us at that point.

 

 

He wasn't giving me excuses until the very end....just those last few weeks that I thought things were moving forward and I suggested doing things with him (instead of letting him plan everything)...that's when he started backing off and making excuses. There was no drama with me....except for those last few texts I sent him. Those were pretty drama filled, but before that there was zero drama....we just enjoyed each other whenever we could get together.

I am working on my issues. I'm seeing a counselor, and I also joined a DivorceCare group to work through some unresolved issues from my divorce.

 

..... and I'm seriously thinking about never dating again. I honestly don't know if there is one single guy out there who can be trusted. How can you ever know if a guy is really into you or not? How do you know if their words are real? Most guys are really good at saying all of the right things, but eventually you figure out that it was all a lie. Even when they marry you....eventually you figure out that they only told you all of those things that you wanted to hear because they wanted a status symbol...not a marriage.

Don't be dramatic. You have been choosing the wrong people.

Don't be dramatic. You have been choosing the wrong people.

Just looking for a little support while I'm trying to work through this. I'm usually a pretty strong person.... I've just been through hell and back on many different levels recently. I'm also trying to figure out how this dating thing works again....it's been a really long time, and yes, I'm making some wrong choices....which is why I'm here trying to learn and figure out what it is I'm doing wrong.... but I'm feeling a little beat up at the moment. I don't mind being told that I'm making poor choices, but a little friendly advice on what I should do differently would be a little more helpful.

There is a book that I recommend for you. It is entitled, "Men Who Can't Love" and the author is Steven Carter. It will help you tremendously. It is available on Amazon.

The kindest thing I can recommend: baggagereclaim.com Was a life changer.

There is a book that I recommend for you. It is entitled, "Men Who Can't Love" and the author is Steven Carter. It will help you tremendously. It is available on Amazon.

 

Thank you!! I came across that title when researching Commitment phobia.....but everyone here keeps telling me that's not what it is..... but I think I'll read the book anyway. It never hurts to learn more about things. I read a book called "Women who love psychopaths" It was a huge eye opener relating to my ex-husband, and what part my personality played a role in him being attracted to me. It wasn't 100% that I was bad at choosing men....it was that some of my good qualities made me vulnerable to being taken advantage of, and those qualities are exactly what these men seek out (overly empathetic, overly trusting, very loyal, etc...) and these men are also VERY good at hiding who they really are, so that makes it very difficult to weed them out....their actions match up with their words until you've married them....then they finally let you see who they really are. My ex played mind games with me for 22 years.... and I can't even begin to describe how messed up my thinking became.... it's going to take some time to reverse all of the "crazy making".

 

.... and I am realizing that I need to stop dating until I can start to get my old self back.... I used to be a strong, independent woman..... now I'm simply a mess...trying to put the pieces back together.

 

Sorry....don't mean to be dramatic.. I'm just the type of person who really needs to talk things out in order to process, move forward, and heal.

Rose, I have been in your place.

You need to realize that if you continue to choose the wrong people, then you are the common denominator. I strongly suggest that you look into baggagereclim.com. It helped me recognize my patterns, and change them.

The "dramatic" comment was in reference to you saying you would never date again. As soon as you recognize your issues and understand them, you will make better choices.

Unfortunately, he's not your boyfriend. He's someone who sees you as a casual hangout/hookup. You won't be able to "get" a commitment from someone who doesn't want one.

He's not "afraid". He just doesn't want to.

The sooner you realize he's wrong for you, the sooner you can work on being the best "you" you can be, so you can meet someone who is right for you.

There is a book that I recommend for you. It is entitled, "Men Who Can't Love" and the author is Steven Carter. It will help you tremendously. It is available on Amazon.

 

Wow! Ive downloaded this in kindle just now! Its amazing! Thank u!!

Rose, I have been in your place.

 

You need to realize that if you continue to choose the wrong people, then you are the common denominator. I strongly suggest that you look into baggagereclim.com. It helped me recognize my patterns, and change them.

 

The "dramatic" comment was in reference to you saying you would never date again. As soon as you recognize your issues and understand them, you will make better choices.

Thanks for the website. I plan to look at it closely!! I wasn't trying to be dramatic about never dating again. It's something I've been seriously considering. I'm getting older, and the emotional roller coaster is much harder at this age. I know a few women like me that have made that choice....because they felt they could never trust a man again.....

I just started reading the book "Men Who Can't Love"..... very interesting!! And validating. I'm understanding more about this guy now.... and I'm beginning to understand what happened. I'm not alone in what I experienced..... and yes, he was giving me all of the signs that he was very interested...that he had feelings for me....that we were moving forward....then suddenly things changed. And I'm not the only woman out there who was completely confused by his behavior.

from the book:

As to smart women making foolish choices, in the real world, this is not what's going on. These women are not doing the choosing. They are being chosen. And it's not because they are giving off peculiar, neurotic-type signals. It's because they are attractive, intelligent women who attract men. The problem is that so many of the men they are attracting suffer from the same problem— the commitment problem.

Typically, the man exhibits readily identifiable behavior. His overall pattern falls into what I call the "pursuit/ panic syndrome." All that really means is that the guy does a one-thousand-degree pursuit until he feels that the woman's love and response leaves him no way out of the relationship— ever. The moment that happens, he begins to perceive the relationship as a trap. That trap provokes anxiety, if not total panic. Before the woman knows what is happening, the man is running from the relationship, running from her, and running from love.

It goes without saying that a woman can be devastated by such a man. The depth of her unhappiness is partially dependent upon how far into the relationship they progressed before he hit the panic button.

The woman who gets involved with one of these men also has a typical response. When the relationship begins, chances are she is not as interested as the man and is won over by the intensity of his interest in her. At the end, she is totally confused. All of the women I talked to voiced some concern that something they may have said or done threw the man over the edge. If they confronted the man and asked for a commitment, they blamed themselves for precipitating his withdrawal. If they failed to confront, they blamed themselves for allowing the man to set up a relationship style that was doomed to disintegrate or drift off into never-never land. Even though they knew intellectually that they had not been guilty of sabotaging the relationship, each woman couldn't help but look for a rational explanation and wonder whether it was something she did— or neglected to do— that set the man off. But in most cases, nothing went wrong in the relationship. In fact, part of the problem is that he backs off when things are going too well. You see, the only thing wrong is that this man simply cannot make a commitment. Therefore when he thinks he perceives "C"-Day approaching (a perception that may have little or nothing to do with reality), he suddenly does a 180-degree turn, stops pursuing, starts running away, and in some cases quite literally drops out of sight. In an ideal world, a woman would only have to continue doing what many of them are doing— being warm, kind, attractive, smart, accomplished, and sympathetic— and men would flock to her side. I'm sorry, but this is not what's happening. Terrific women are not having terrific relationships with terrific men. These women respond to this by shaking their heads and thinking they have to be more terrific— perfectly sane, perfectly loving, perfectly terrific— in short, perfect. I don't think this is going to work. Here's why: What these men fear is commitment, and when they look at you and your perfection, they know that you are someone to marry and live with happily ever after. This is precisely what they don't want to do— so, they run in the other direction. This is not your fault, but it certainly has become your problem.

Carter, Steven; Sokol, Julia (2012-01-09). MEN WHO CAN'T LOVE (p. 31). Carter/Sokol. Kindle Edition.

....I'm looking forward to learning how to spot these men....so I can make better choices in the future....I'm continuing to work on myself....and I don't plan to date for awhile until I have made some personal progress.

I'm just happy to be getting some answers....this "relationship" was so confusing..... and I don't do well when I don't understand what is happening....after all, how can you learn from your mistakes if you don't have any idea what happened??? Or what to avoid the next time...???