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HSP in LDR, about to move to be with him and get married


Generica

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Im a Highly Sensitive Person. I get very overwhelmed very easily. If i dont sleep well, if theres too much noise, if there are too many people.....everything seems to flood my brain and i can't function. (Being and HSP does have a few advantages...just a lot fewer than disadvantages.) My SO knows this about me and loves me the way I am.

 

I have a few problems:

My past experiences seem to be tainting any disagreements or arguments we have where i end up going off the Richter scale. I turn arguemnts into fights and everything is personal.

My SO is also very sensitive. Just my being mad at him will cause him to be mad at me.

If i bring up an issue that is bothering me, he brings up his own that he's been sitting on. He'll say, "I didnt want to bring it up and cause a fight but since youre bringing *that* up..." So when i want to find resolution to my problem/issue, what ends up happening is we argue over him bringing up his problem and tbh, by the end of it, i feel like im always apologizing for his problem and mine doesnt get addressed. Its not that i dont want to validate and listen to his ossue, I just feel its not the right time. It feels like a pile on of problems that turns into a black hole of fighting. Im sure he feels this is inaccurate but there is a major disconnect when we have any issue between us. We both feel unheard and hurt and i feel we are doing irreparable damage to our relationship every time we fight. Last fight i felt so betrayed and abandoned and uncared for.

He is a very logical person and seems, for the most part, to remove all emotion from the arguemnt and focuses solely on facts. I am the opposite; my feelings are a huge part of what guides me in an argument/fight. I know this is bad but i dont know how to change.

 

I love him and i want to marry him. Uprooting my whole life to be with him when i dont know how we can fix this is very scary.

 

Any advice is welcome.

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You can make any excuse you want about any condition you make up, but the truth is that neither of you fight fair. You fight like a little child. You go for the throat as well. And you don't deal with things when they come up - you save them so you can hold onto them and hold it against the other person later. It sounds like you are not bringing up any resolution to a problem and you are just picking on eachother. I suggest counseling. I suggest a white noise machine for when you sleep. I think its a huge mistake for the two of you to marry unless you both love to fight like this and its your reason for being.

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You are long distance. Do you get to spend any actual time in each others company at all? If so, how often?

 

In the meantime, my advice is for both of you to take a good communication course and learn how to discuss problems to a resolution.

 

Next time he changes the subject and turns it around on you, calmly tell him: That is not what we are discussing right now and could we please stay on topic. We can certainly discuss the issue you have when the one I have has been resolved or compromised upon. Lets do this one step at a time.

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You are long distance. Do you get to spend any actual time in each others company at all? If so, how often?

 

In the meantime, my advice is for both of you to take a good communication course and learn how to discuss problems to a resolution.

 

Next time he changes the subject and turns it around on you, calmly tell him: That is not what we are discussing right now and could we please stay on topic. We can certainly discuss the issue you have when the one I have has been resolved or compromised upon. Lets do this one step at a time.

Thank you for the advice. I do want to go to counselling. He doesnt but i can still do it for myself because I know i need better coping skills.

We see each other every four months for two weeks. It's the best we can do with costs and work.

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A communication course will help you to keep the conversation flowing without putting him on the defensive or (as usual for him) the offensive. Even if he won't take one too, you'd do well to get going on that for you. Counselling, I think will give you the confidence to keep the conversation on topic. (Even if he does get offensive/defensive in response)

 

Good luck.

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In law once you 'bring it up', both sides can delve into it. It's not a monologue of only our side. Also facts and logic are how people derive at 'the truth', not feelings which are too subjective.

 

Don't bring up stuff for a one way listening session. In partnerships both have their input. Don't shut someone down when it's their time to express their issues. And lastly stick to facts, feelings are more or less about spin.

 

Know when to let things slide. Power struggles are when it's not about facts but the point is lost and it becomes arguing about arguing.

He'll say, "I didnt want to bring it up and cause a fight but since youre bringing *that* up..."

Its not that i dont want to validate and listen to his ossue, I just feel its not the right time.

He is a very logical person and seems, for the most part, to remove all emotion from the arguemnt and focuses solely on facts. I am the opposite; my feelings are a huge part of what guides me in an argument/fight.

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What is the draw to this man to want to marry him if you guys cannot get along and there is so much turmoil? You are either too much alike or like oil and water

 

Having a few arguments can be over-come. I think she's looking for solutions to improve that part of their relationship. A course on how to affectively communicate might do wonders. If they love one another and the relationship is good in general then its well worth the effort to see if things get better. Of course if they don't... well then its well worth it to wait to re-asses the relationship.

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In law once you 'bring it up', both sides can delve into it. It's not a monologue of only our side. Also facts and logic are how people derive at 'the truth', not feelings which are too subjective.

 

Don't bring up stuff for a one way listening session. In partnerships both have their input. Don't shut someone down when it's their time to express their issues. And lastly stick to facts, feelings are more or less about spin.

 

Know when to let things slide. Power struggles are when it's not about facts but the point is lost and it becomes arguing about arguing.

Thank you for the input. I think you misunderstood me. What i was referring to is when i bring up xyz, he brings up abc. They're completely unrelated and it makes it impossible to solve any issue when we just have endless issues being piled on all at once. Of course its not a monologue of only my side. I want him to discuss this issue with me and come to a resolution together. Im saying that bringing up an entirely different issue clouds the conversation and makes it unproductive. One issue at a time is what i believe would work better.

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Having a few arguments can be over-come. I think she's looking for solutions to improve that part of their relationship. A course on how to affectively communicate might do wonders. If they love one another and the relationship is good in general then its well worth the effort to see if things get better. Of course if they don't... well then its well worth it to wait to re-asses the relationship.

Yes! Thank you! We do have an incredible amount of fun together and we are a great team. We love each other truly and deeply for who the other person is. He is an amazong person. We just have problems with communication when there is an argument. I am absolutely looking for helpful, constructive solutions to improve this area.

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Have you been diagnosed as a "Highly Sensitive Person?" Are you undergoing any medication or counseling for it? There's a lot contingent on what exactly you're bringing up to argue about, but if I'm honest, your style seems to be 90% of the problem.

 

Where I might fault him is bringing up his own issues as a counter-point-- though, again depending on the material you're bringing up, it may be an effort on his end to more or less say, "Hey, here's a list of mundane **** I put up with without a word because I love you and your supporting features outweigh it." Basically, there's a fine line between him deflecting from a legitimate topic and him attempting to analogize to help you see the absurdity in your argument's substance.

 

I am the opposite; my feelings are a huge part of what guides me in an argument/fight. I know this is bad but i dont know how to change.

 

This is bad. And I can't underscore enough how bad that is. Like... don't even think about moving in until you've, either on your own or through counseling, figured out how to work around it. I mean feelings are the entire reason we argue, so I'm not saying you need to be devoid of them while presenting your case, but you do need to, in some logical way or another, link the material to your feelings. Otherwise there's literally nothing either of you can do to resolve it at that point and you're arguing to argue.

 

Again, I think the topic of the arguments does matter. It'd be worth it if you could give us some detail so we could better discern if this is a case of you not picking your battles appropriately or him being a genuine ***hole at times.

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This...

 

Im a Highly Sensitive Person. I get very overwhelmed very easily. If i dont sleep well, if theres too much noise, if there are too many people.....everything seems to flood my brain and i can't function.

 

has nothing to do with this...

 

My past experiences seem to be tainting any disagreements or arguments we have where i end up going off the Richter scale. I turn arguemnts into fights and everything is personal.

My SO is also very sensitive. Just my being mad at him will cause him to be mad at me.

If i bring up an issue that is bothering me, he brings up his own that he's been sitting on. He'll say, "I didnt want to bring it up and cause a fight but since youre bringing *that* up..." So when i want to find resolution to my problem/issue, what ends up happening is we argue over him bringing up his problem and tbh, by the end of it, i feel like im always apologizing for his problem and mine doesnt get addressed. Its not that i dont want to validate and listen to his ossue, I just feel its not the right time. It feels like a pile on of problems that turns into a black hole of fighting. Im sure he feels this is inaccurate but there is a major disconnect when we have any issue between us. We both feel unheard and hurt and i feel we are doing irreparable damage to our relationship every time we fight. Last fight i felt so betrayed and abandoned and uncared for.

He is a very logical person and seems, for the most part, to remove all emotion from the arguemnt and focuses solely on facts. I am the opposite; my feelings are a huge part of what guides me in an argument/fight. I know this is bad but i dont know how to change.

 

Not that I have ever heard of HSP before, but it took 2 second to Google it and it is sensory based, not emotion based. You and your bf's issues are related to how you emotionally handle disagreements. You need maturity and better communication.

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I think its a huge mistake for the two of you to marry unless you both love to fight like this and its your reason for being.

I cannot support this enough. I'm sorry, but you are not ready for marriage (whether it's with him or somebody else), let alone cohabiting with him.

 

Before you get married, you BOTH have to learn how to handle your arguments more constructively. You will face MANY disagreements throughout your marriage... they never go away. When you guys are picking each other apart or running away from a conflict, it will cause your marriage to suffer. It takes teamwork and a hell of a lot of patience to maintain a healthy marriage AND a household-- especially if you guys plan on having any children, you both have to be a united force together.

 

You will be caught in a moment when you feel so fed up that you want to scream and rip your significant other "a new one" verbally. Or there will be times when you want to run and cry in a corner. Also there will be times when you are so pissed off that you want to avoid speaking to each other. These are things you cannot do in a marriage unless you plan to lose it. You have to face your arguments head on as a married couple.

 

You need better tools in approaching and responding to conflict. This is a life skill that goes beyond a marriage. And if you are struggling to find balance or when it's time to walk away, engage, or diffuse... you both need counseling and training on better communication. You cannot have a good relationship - either with your spouse, children, or coworkers - if you lack strong communication and problem solving skills.

 

Blaming it on a "personality flaw" or a disability is a crutch. If you have a serious cognitive skill then you need to consult a doctor for medication. I was once introverted and shy, but I had to develop better communication and emotional management skills when I entered the workforce and personal relationships.

 

If your boyfriend is refusing to go to counseling to work on relationship issues, this is a bad sign. He isn't going to change or improve communication skills... essentially this will be an ongoing problem for you even if you have better communication skills from counseling. Communication isn't a two way street for it to be effective. But at least you are doing something to improve yourself.

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I think that's why she's here... to learn how to handle the arguments more constructively. Does anyone have any advise on how he and she can try to accomplish that?

 

Op: is looking into counselling and hopefully her dude will seriously consider a communication course along with her.

 

So: That's the extent of my understanding and supporting your efforts, Op. Good luck with the rest of your thread

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I think that's why she's here... to learn how to handle the arguments more constructively. Does anyone have any advise on how he and she can try to accomplish that?

Counseling. Like JMan said, there is some information missing to fully determine the root of the problem. I have a mental health degree but I am no psychologist by any means.

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Here goes:

 

"Research has demonstrated time and again that it is not what couples argue about that matters but how they argue. In other words, the main problem is the communication about the issue rather than the issue itself. Further, couples whose arguments tend to escalate are significantly more likely to separate or get divorced than couples who can manage their disagreements and prevent them from becoming too toxic.

 

Therefore, it is vital for couples to learn how to prevent arguments from escalating once they become heated. In over 20 years of doing couples therapy, I’ve seen how the majority of couples’ arguments go south due to two simple yet unfortunate disconnects.

 

It sounds like you disagree with one another but, in fact, you don't: Couples are often convinced they know what their partner thinks, means and intends when a certain topic is broached. People are often so convinced of their mind-reading abilities that they stop listening and begin formulating their responses, rebuttals, or excuses almost as soon as the other person starts speaking.

 

They then respond with a tone and manner that sounds hostile, defensive or accusatory, which causes their partner to respond in kind, and off to the races they go. I cannot begin to describe how often I’ve stopped a couple mid-argument and challenged them to define where they disagree. When they cannot, they feel awkward and confused—they were certain the other person totally disagreed with them."

 

From an article by

Guy Winch Ph.D.

The Squeaky Wheel

How to Keep Fights from Destroying Your Relationship

First thing's first: Are you even fighting about the same thing?

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Op has said she is looking into counselling. (now I'm outta here).

 

That is good to look into it. But she still should not marry him until the issues of how they argue have been addressed.

 

Also - a word of caution, If they a currently long distance and she is this hyper sensitive person, I urge her to move to the area but not in with him immediately and not to marry immediately. Right now if she lives longer distance, he may see her as this precious fragile little bird and accepts this - but once they are around eachother in the same town, etc, and have a longer relationship, her helplessness could get under his skin.

 

So - personal counseling, and then later couples counseling to work through this before moving in and marriage

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I think that's why she's here... to learn how to handle the arguments more constructively. Does anyone have any advise on how he and she can try to accomplish that?

 

Op: is looking into counselling and hopefully her dude will seriously consider a communication course along with her.

 

So: That's the extent of my understanding and supporting your efforts, Op. Good luck with the rest of your thread

Thank you so much for your support and input. I sincerely appreciate it.

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I appreciate everyone taking the time to comment and give their version of best advice.

Its not just perfect people who fall in love, build on it and decide to spend their lives together. We know we have our struggles and we are prepared.to work on them. We are a team and we are committed to each other and to working through this together. I thought id come here to get some useful, enouraging and constructive advice, suggestions, pearls of wisdom. I think counselling is a good idea for me. If i really want him to do it, he would. Im okay with starting that on my own first.

Some of this advice sounds more destructive than constructive but I will take what sounds productive and useful away from this and leave the rest. There are bits to take away and provoke thought in each of the responses so thank you.

Some think my marriage is doomed. Its not. We will figure it out.

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That is good to look into it. But she still should not marry him until the issues of how they argue have been addressed.

 

Also - a word of caution, If they a currently long distance and she is this hyper sensitive person, I urge her to move to the area but not in with him immediately and not to marry immediately. Right now if she lives longer distance, he may see her as this precious fragile little bird and accepts this - but once they are around eachother in the same town, etc, and have a longer relationship, her helplessness could get under his skin.

 

So - personal counseling, and then later couples counseling to work through this before moving in and marriage

Trust me, i am not a fragile bird and he certainly knows that. I am a highly sensitive extrovert with spunk and stength and ferocity and love. But i can get bogged down with overstimulation which can exacerbate disagreements.

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Have you been diagnosed as a "Highly Sensitive Person?" Are you undergoing any medication or counseling for it? There's a lot contingent on what exactly you're bringing up to argue about, but if I'm honest, your style seems to be 90% of the problem.

 

Where I might fault him is bringing up his own issues as a counter-point-- though, again depending on the material you're bringing up, it may be an effort on his end to more or less say, "Hey, here's a list of mundane **** I put up with without a word because I love you and your supporting features outweigh it." Basically, there's a fine line between him deflecting from a legitimate topic and him attempting to analogize to help you see the absurdity in your argument's substance.

 

 

 

This is bad. And I can't underscore enough how bad that is. Like... don't even think about moving in until you've, either on your own or through counseling, figured out how to work around it. I mean feelings are the entire reason we argue, so I'm not saying you need to be devoid of them while presenting your case, but you do need to, in some logical way or another, link the material to your feelings. Otherwise there's literally nothing either of you can do to resolve it at that point and you're arguing to argue.

 

Again, I think the topic of the arguments does matter. It'd be worth it if you could give us some detail so we could better discern if this is a case of you not picking your battles appropriately or him being a genuine ***hole at times.

I was told by a psychologist that im an HSP. Last year. I hadnt heard the term before.but once i started reading about it, so many things clicked for me. HSP is not a condition that requires medication. Its a temperament and there is nothing wrong with me.

 

Thank you for your input.

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Here goes:

 

"Research has demonstrated time and again that it is not what couples argue about that matters but how they argue. In other words, the main problem is the communication about the issue rather than the issue itself. Further, couples whose arguments tend to escalate are significantly more likely to separate or get divorced than couples who can manage their disagreements and prevent them from becoming too toxic.

 

Therefore, it is vital for couples to learn how to prevent arguments from escalating once they become heated. In over 20 years of doing couples therapy, I’ve seen how the majority of couples’ arguments go south due to two simple yet unfortunate disconnects.

 

It sounds like you disagree with one another but, in fact, you don't: Couples are often convinced they know what their partner thinks, means and intends when a certain topic is broached. People are often so convinced of their mind-reading abilities that they stop listening and begin formulating their responses, rebuttals, or excuses almost as soon as the other person starts speaking.

 

They then respond with a tone and manner that sounds hostile, defensive or accusatory, which causes their partner to respond in kind, and off to the races they go. I cannot begin to describe how often I’ve stopped a couple mid-argument and challenged them to define where they disagree. When they cannot, they feel awkward and confused—they were certain the other person totally disagreed with them."

 

From an article by

Guy Winch Ph.D.

The Squeaky Wheel

How to Keep Fights from Destroying Your Relationship

First thing's first: Are you even fighting about the same thing?

I appreciate this. Thank you.

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Some of this advice sounds more destructive than constructive but I will take what sounds productive and useful away from this and leave the rest. There are bits to take away and provoke thought in each of the responses so thank you.

Some think my marriage is doomed. Its not. We will figure it out.

I thought you said you were not married. So you actually are? Now I'm confused.

 

Sorry you feel you aren't getting the advice you want. Unfortunately the best advice that is not always the option we want. That's reality sometimes.

 

Nobody here said your relationship is "doomed." Please do not put words in my mouth. There's a difference between not being ready and not being compatible. Everyone here - including myself - all agreed that marriage is not on the table with this man yet until communication improves.

 

Counseling will definitely provide you the right tools, especially for someone who says they are a "sensitive" person. So keep at it.

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No, I am not married. We are getting married later this summer.

Im in my late 30s and hes in his late 40s. It seems i may have given the impression that im a feable, young hatchling. I have my flaws. I recognize them. He and I talk about it all the time, in a positive, supportive way. He doesn't struggle with the same things i do but we are all flawed and we all have our own hurdles.

Everyone comes from somewhere.

 

I feel like Im getting lots of great advice and feedback. If these "advice wanted" posts were paintings, I've drawn a stick figure for you to describe the Mona Lisa. Not everything ive gotten back is applicable to my situation. I glean what I can and what sounds like it fits my situation, including the tough stuff that's hard to hear. That's why I'm here. Some of it feels a bit heavy handed in an unproductive way. Judgemental, even. Im not here for that stuff.

 

When i said, "Some think my marriage is doomed" i was not referring specically to you. You can't tell from that sentance if I'm referring to you or to people here or people in my real life. Seems like you're putting words in my mouth.

 

Thank you for your time and advice. I appreciate it.

I thought you said you were not married. So you actually are? Now I'm confused.

 

Sorry you feel you aren't getting the advice you want. Unfortunately the best advice that is not always the option we want. That's reality sometimes.

 

Nobody here said your relationship is "doomed." Please do not put words in my mouth. There's a difference between not being ready and not being compatible. Everyone here - including myself - all agreed that marriage is not on the table with this man yet until communication improves.

 

Counseling will definitely provide you the right tools, especially for someone who says they are a "sensitive" person. So keep at it.

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