Do you think there's any chance he still cares about me?

My ex and I broke up just before I moved abroad. We had only been seeing each other for a few months beforehand, so we didn’t feel that distance would be good for us. We discussed getting back together again in the future if it became possible, and we wanted to stay close. What I never told him was that I thought we could make the distance work. I just knew he had been hurt by a long distance relationship in the past so I didn’t want to pressure him into it, or end up having him agree and then I would feel like he was only dating me because I had begged him.

Things obviously didn’t work out how we wanted because lingering feelings were making friendship too hard for us. I ended up going NC on him to try and get my head together and adjust to life abroad. When I initially contacted him again he was very angry and hurt that I had cut him off. We tried being friends again but there was too much anger, and we went NC for two more months.

We’ve only recently begun speaking again (initiated by me) and I’m having trouble reading where we’re at. I want to be honest this time around, and tell him right off the bat that I still care very deeply for him and wish we could try the distance (it’ll only be lasting another two months, then we’ll be a lot closer). I’ve just put myself and my feelings out there so many times at this point, that I’m afraid to do it again if I’m not confident he still has feelings for me. I don’t want to embarrass myself and I certainly don’t want to rush things and push him away by getting too emotional too fast if he’s just building back up to the idea of trusting me again.

He seems happy to be talking with me again…he’s called me and agreed to Facetime and both were pleasant conversations. He told me both times to keep texting him, but I was too afraid to be needy so I didn’t initiate any text conversations and he didn’t either which made me doubt if he actually wanted to talk. But then again, maybe he’s just trying to protect himself like I am. I’m terrified that we’re miscommunicating because we’re both too afraid after everything that’s happened to tell each other how we really feel. Or of course he really just doesn’t have anything to say to me at all. He has sent me a few snapchats in the past couple of days leading me to believe he does want some kind of contact, but I’m trying not to read too much into things.

I mean, if he didn’t care anymore, would he still talk to me like we are now? We’re in a position where if he doesn’t want to see me ever again, he doesn’t have to. So he would just ignore me if he didn’t want to talk, right? He told me the other day on the phone that he’s happy to hear I’m doing well because “it’s always good to hear that someone you care about is happy.” I didn’t know how to take it so I just kinda left it at that. Was that his way of trying to tell me he still cares, or was he just trying to extend an olive branch?

"We didn't feel the distance would be good for us"

Who actually said that first and who was one to agree to it?

Who was the friendship too hard on? You or him?

It was only a few months. It can be dismissed easily as a fun few months.

Who is harbouring feelings for who and why???

It sounds like you were the one to initiate all contact. Why??

He said it, I agreed to it. He had done a long-term LDR before and I had no experience with it. He told me “You could easily convince me to try it, but I don’t think it would be what’s best for me.” I didn’t really fight it because obviously I wasn’t going to directly persuade him to do what in his own words wasn’t in his best interests. I also had never heard why him and his long distance ex broke up (this was two years out of that relationship) but I assume it must have been a messy breakup. He had a lot of good and sensible reasons why he thought we shouldn’t try it, and I trusted those. He had a lot more relationship experience than me. At the end of it all he still expressed a lot of hope that we could be together again. So I felt fine about being friends.

But then friendship was too hard on me, because he was still treating me like a girlfriend. He would take me out, spend tons of time with me, text me every day, ask me to meet his parents, surprise me with presents, buy me food, etc. etc. Everything minus the physical parts and the actual label. It was confusing me and making me upset. The last straw was when I was trying to get him to open up to me about a problem he was having and he told me “I wish we had started dating so we could be at that point now.” It made me so angry that he would say that when he knew that was what I had wanted all along. That’s when I went NC. He would also text me stuff like “I miss you” and “I wish you were here with me” that I thought were inappropriate given our past. I called him out on it, saying it didn’t sound like he was capable of being just friends to which he adamantly held that he definitely could, he just had moments of weakness and he was sorry those were hurting me. I worry now that that confrontation is what makes him hold back any indication of his feelings now. Maybe I was expecting too much?

I wish it could be dismissed easily as a fun few months but I just can’t let go. I’ve tried really hard to figure out why I’m so attached to him and why I still care so much but I have no answers. I just am. We were really compatible, had similar goals and interests, great physical chemistry, and genuinely both seemed to care about what was best for the other. The ONE thing that kept us from being perfect was the dang distance. I guess that's why it's so hard for me to let go. I’m definitely the one harbouring feelings, but like I said in the original post, I can’t tell if he still has romantic feelings for me that he’s trying to keep under control since he’s been hurt by distance and by me, or if he genuinely just doesn’t want to be with me, but still cares about me enough as a friend that he’s trying to be nice about it. If he told me “Look, I know you still care about me romantically, but I just see you as a friend, okay?” I would be okay with it. I value his friendship. You probably don’t believe that, but really I would. It just drives me crazy not knowing for sure and I’m notoriously bad at reading in between the lines. Bottling up my feelings in past relationships has made me a very blunt and direct communicator.

Sounds to me that the two of you are afraid to do anything. Cant be together because of the distance, cant be friends because the feelings are too strong, cant be in NC because you two want to be in each others lives.. well crap, what are you supposed to do? Its like you two are bound together by fear. Im sure you dont want him finding someone else, but he doesnt want you to find someone else, but he doesnt want to be in a realtionship either. Sounds like you are between a rock and a hard place. Ive been in this situation a few times and have done what you have done and its was frustrating. Its like you are trying to build a 100 story building from the 50th floor, it cant happen. So one of you is going to have to decide..This is what I would suggest.

You two are not dating, you are free and so is he. So why dont you two just take a few steps back from the situation and dont talk about a relationship or friendship. There is so much tension about 'whats next' that you two are unable to focus on what is happening right now. Dont make plans, dont talk about the future or what can happen. You cant cross a bridge before you get to it, so why not just see what happens when you are back home. Im not saying quit all communication, but dont be so available to one another. When you do talk, keep it light and not too serious. Then when you move back, then talk about "Us". Keep things simple.

It sounds like he's only interested in the friendzone and probably is dating locally.

You can't line him up for when you return because as you both agreed a ldr is too frustrating. You'll have to wait until you get back and take it from there.

When you return, meet up and see if he wants more than friendship or is still available..

How long have you been separated? And are you moving back to where he is?

It sounds as though you are still wanting to be with him and he is being polite but he's not as bothered one way or the other. I am only letting you know how it reads to me. He is the one who said he didn't want to do long distance and you keep initiating and he's not coming looking for you. I would say that he's not interested like you are and you could be very hurt.

But then friendship was too hard on me, because he was still treating me like a girlfriend. He would take me out, spend tons of time with me...

How did he do this if you were abroad? Confused.

Honestly, leave it alone until you are no longer abroad (I believe you said 2 months). WHen you get back, if he isn't seeing someone, then you can try dating again.

We broke up about two months before I actually left. So that was the time during which we tried to be friends and it was weird.

And yeah, I guess I see that the move is just to leave it alone until there is an actual possibility for us to be together. I’m thinking that’s probably what he wants which is why he’s acting kind of weird. He’s probably frustrated with me that I’m still trying when being together is literally just not a possibility at the moment. I guess I just feel stuck because now that we’re on good terms again, I would like to be in contact. But as long as we’re in contact, I fixate on him and ruminate on the situation, and inevitably want more than he is willing to give at the time being. I’m scared to block him because that ended poorly last time. But I also don’t want to keep feeling like I’m being dragged around and kept just close enough to stick around but not close enough for anything real.

Ideas on how I can find some sort of middle ground? Is there any way I can learn to move on in the present while still having him in my life with possibilities for the future?

How long ago did you break up? 2 months ago?

I'm confused about this. You said you basically dated for a short while, then broke up? then still saw each other as friends but you left anyhow...how long have you been gone? How long till you move back, or are you moving back?

He's not stringing you along. He' been quite clear that he doesn't want a ldr, broke up and is only interested in some friendly contact here and there.

There is no "middle ground". He doesn't want a ldr. All you can do is stop clinging and pushing, lay back and when you return see if he wants to get together.

I also don’t want to keep feeling like I’m being dragged around and kept just close enough to stick around but not close enough for anything real. Is there any way I can learn to move on in the present while still having him in my life with possibilities for the future?