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joyce

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  1. Thanks all. To put it simply, I was "not in the right headspace" the other night when I wrote this post 😂. I definitely overinvested, I've found that the current circumstances with the pandemic and everything have made it hard not to do so (extra lonely, bored and lots of time to text, craving excitement, etc.). Plus, I'm fresh out of a FWB situation in which I learned the hard way that casual stuff and physical connection alone isn't my cup of tea. So when he started sharing some deeply personal stuff and texting me A LOT right off the bat, I interpreted it as someone open, honest, emotionally available, and ready to emotionally connect...basically the opposite of what my FWB was and I got excited. I do think there were some alarm bells ringing in my head with how personal he was getting so fast, but I rode with it because it felt good in the moment but I realize now it was over the top. Probably should've seen that as the red flag to begin with and been a bit more on guard, but hey, now I know! Anyway, I still haven't heard from him, but I'm glad I left it alone because I'm much less upset now. I still think it's kinda weird, but hopefully he's okay, and if I do hear from him again, I think I'll be able to easily handle it and move on without having to block him or anything. Bottom line, even if he's being genuine, that's just a major incompatibility issue for me in terms of communication. Thanks again!
  2. I’ve been talking to this guy I met online for a week and everything’s been going swimmingly. He initiates a lot of texts and we’ve talked quite a bit every day since we met. We had a video date a few days ago and had an in person date planned for this weekend. He’s seemed very interested the whole time and has been very mature and lovely to me. Well, yesterday we were texting throughout the day like usual. Towards the evening, he asked how my day was and it took me a couple hours to answer because I was busy with other things. When I did answer, he immediately came back with “I want to talk to you, but I’m just not in the headspace right now, but also didn’t want to not respond. Let’s talk tomorrow.” Kinda took me by surprise, but I obviously just said I understood, hope he’s okay, and we can talk later. Well, now it’s tomorrow and I haven’t heard a peep. And it’s getting late enough that I doubt I will. He’s been active on the dating app we met on, so I know he’s not in a coma in the hospital or anything like that. I’m all about giving space, and if he needs to take care of himself then obviously he should. But what even was that text?? I feel like he pretended to be concerned about how I would feel if he just didn’t answer me, but obviously he’s not THAT concerned because he didn’t follow through today like he said he would and honestly is probably ghosting me now. Why not just ghost me to begin with then? Why send the weird text? I know I shouldn’t let it get to me, but it does. I just feel like he’s playing games, setting me up for emotional manipulation, or testing me. None of which I like at all. I’m sure I’ll get “he’s not interested” or "he's found another woman to talk to" and I get that. So should I just block him now? Give him a few more days (and be annoyed the whole time)? Bite the bullet and send a feeler text tonight?
  3. You're completely right, thanks :) After all, I did take almost a full day to answer one of his texts a few days ago because I was very caught up in school and work. I would hope he didn't overthink that as much as I'm overthinking this!! I have a nasty habit of reading into these things, which is why I usually prefer to limit texting conversations in the first place.
  4. Thanks all! I wholeheartedly agree that texting is basically useless, especially in this instance. I also really love your netflix analogy, bluecastle. I guess I just want to clarify one thing...you all suggest I focus on meeting in person, figure out a time to see him, suggest coffee, etc. Like I said I strongly prefer in person interactions so of course that is what I want and where I was hoping all this texting would lead. So should I perhaps give it a week or so (since I don't know when he'll be back), then try suggesting meeting again sometime later next week if I still feel like it at that point? Or if he texts me in the meantime then I can shoot the text that says just contact me when you're back?
  5. Two weeks ago my friend set me up with this guy she knows from high school. We texted for a few days then went on a date and it was fun! He seemed quite into me on the date, and afterwards he told my friend that he liked me and thought I was really cool. He also texted me right after and told me he had a good time and suggested he’d like to do it again soon. Unfortunately he had to leave town the day after our date to go see his parents for a week, but I felt pretty confident he would ask me out again when he got back. Now, I am not the biggest texter, especially when I’m first getting to know a guy. I do like it when a guy I’m into initiates texts every once in a while as affirmation that he’s interested, but beyond that, I’d rather just get to know him in person, and I prefer any texts he sends me to be leading up to him asking me out. I get the sense that this guy is the same way (we are both introverted types), but for whatever reason he’s been initiating texts with me every day that he’s been gone. At first, it felt really good because it made me more certain he was interested. But I found that our text conversations were going dead really quickly and it all just felt really forced, especially since we’ve only met once and he can’t lead the conversation to asking me out right now since he’s out of town. I tried to end the conversation a few times because it was starting to feel too forced, but he kept initiating and double texting so I felt a need to continue trying to make the conversations work. This has gone on for a little over a week now, and he’s still at his parents and isn’t sure when he’ll be back. (An extra note: the lack of text chemistry isn't just me. I am pretty good at banter and am able to text many guys no problem. This is the first time I've encountered this issue so strongly, and I did notice it to a lesser degree before our first date too.) Tuesday night we were texting but the conversation died so I stopped answering. Wednesday morning he double texted and tried to pick that same conversation back up. I went along with it as much as I could for a few texts, then changed the subject and asked him a small talk type question to try and make conversation about something different. But now it’s been almost a full 24 hours and I haven’t heard a peep. If the last thing I had said wasn’t a question I probably wouldn’t feel so weird about it, but since it was, it feels like he’s deliberately not answering me (and after double texting and making an effort to revive the conversation just that morning!!) I kind of wish now that I had told him days ago to have a good time with his parents and just text me when he gets back so we didn’t have to fuss with all this texting stuff in between. I’m hesitant to drop him just because of this weird texting thing, because our in person chemistry really had potential and we both seemed interested. I don’t know when he’s getting back or what his schedule is like, but I think he’s supposed to be back sometime next week. Would it be majorly desperate/clingy to send him one more text later today if I still haven’t heard from him? Just saying something like “hope you’re having a good time with the family, shoot me a text when you get back if you want to try meeting up in person again!” So I could put the ball 10000% in his court and relieve any pressure on both ends to make stupid text small talk? Or should I just leave it.
  6. Hmm. Definitely lots to think about here. I'll admit, I don't know if I really buy into the whole "dumpee should NEVER reach out to the dumper first" perspective. Obviously I agree in extreme situations like manipulation, cheating, abuse, etc...But that's not the case here and there's a lot more context to our unique personalities, the dynamic during the 2 months we dated, the way the "breakup" occurred, and the changes I've encountered individually over the last 6 months since we've spoken than I can include in a brief internet post. So I appreciate and understand the sentiment, but respectfully admit that I don't think it fits here. I think this kind of hits the nail on the head. You're right, I suppose it seems kind of odd to be referring to him as "dumper" and myself as "dumpee" based on the way things went down and the fact that we hadn't even reached official "relationship" status yet anyway. I guess I only think of it that way because he's the one who initially brought it up. Perhaps it might've been better to phrase it differently, like we had a fling and it burned out because life got in the way, but now I'm wondering if there could still be a spark. It's not like we have months/years of memories together to fuel bad blood or extremely strong emotions. In that case I would be more apprehensive about reaching out and would agree more with some of the responses I've gotten here. I think this is more of a "nothing to lose" type situation than people are realizing. You're right about that. I appreciate your straight and to the point advice. I am eager to do this and have been itching to do so for a few months now. It's not an emotional decision I made overnight, so I fully understand the risk that things might not necessarily go the way I want them to in an ideal world. My sense of self-worth/happiness isn't really wrapped up in the outcome of this anyway lol so I think I'll be fine. Anyway. I did end up texting him and asked if he'd like to catch up over a coffee sometime. His response was very friendly and he said he'd be up for it. So that's that! We'll see how it goes and I'll read the vibe from there.
  7. Well….I was hoping no one would ask for specifics lol. I am the “dumpee” in this situation. Like I said, the breakup was very quick and on good terms and we had a super fun and healthy relationship the entire time prior. However, at the time of the breakup I had politely requested that he not contact me again afterwards because I didn’t want to be friends, and he promised to respect that. Now, 6 months later, I’m thinking back on this great thing we had going and now that some circumstances have changed in both of our lives I’m wondering if we could make it work. We already know the connection is there. Although I've dated since we broke up, I’m not seriously dating anyone at the moment, and as far as I can tell neither is he. So I’m thinking of reaching out and suggesting a casual meet up to see where he would stand on that. I have no problem with the idea of him not answering. I have no problem with the idea of him answering and declining. But I get nervous when I think about the uncertainty that will come if he says yes. I'm trying to figure out if I'm capable of setting a realistic expectation before I go for it.
  8. Let’s say you briefly dated someone in your past (think ~2 months, start to finish), things were going pretty great and the interest was mutual, but you ultimately decided to end things before a serious relationship was established. Let's say your reasons for ending things weren’t super serious like major incompatibility, signs of toxic behavior, or anything like that. Instead, your reason was something like feeling relationship anxiety/insecurity at the time, not feeling ready to be in a relationship at that exact time, being too busy at the time to maintain a relationship, etc. So mostly right person/wrong time type issues. The breakup was 100% amicable but the dumpee requested you no longer contact them because they did not wish to remain friends at that time, and you have respected that. If this person texted you and asked you to meet up casually 6+ months down the line to "catch up" after having no communication at all during that whole time, would you agree to meet them? If so, what would be your reason for agreeing? Would it be out of sheer curiosity/boredom? Out of a desire to build a platonic friendship because they were a cool person and you liked them? To feel like a nice person by providing them with “closure”? Or would you only agree if you felt you were finally in a place where you saw some potential for pursuing something romantic with them again? Would you assume that they were reaching out in an attempt to be romantic again, or would you assume it was probably meant to be platonic? Obviously everyone is different, but I’m just curious what people’s experiences have been. I personally think I would assume romantic intent, and I don’t think I’d agree to meet up with this person unless I felt open to pursuing something romantic with them again so as not to lead them on.
  9. hahaha I guess it kind of does! I haven't heard from him today...is that a bad sign? I'm not used to meeting guys out so I don't know how soon I should expect a text from him if he's actually interested. I also am a bit thrown that he insisted on me texting myself so I'd have his number too because now I feel like if he was even slightly doubtful that I was into him he'd be equally justified in waiting for me to text him..I don't want to chase him though.
  10. Almost exactly a year ago I was out with my friends at college and met this really cool guy. We talked and danced for most of the night and ended up kissing a few times. He was super cool and I was really into him, but I was leaving to study abroad in a week, so obviously it was just a one night thing and that was it. When I got back from study abroad 6 months later and went back to my home college, I definitely still remembered him because it was such a good night, but seeing as it had been so long ago I felt like he wouldn’t remember who I was. I saw him every now and then at various places on campus last semester but always just quickly in passing. I was too scared to actually approach him. Then last night I saw him out at a bar. I was super nervous but knew I would hate myself if I didn’t at least try to talk to him there. I couldn’t build up the courage and then my friend just grabbed him and pushed us together. I asked him if he remembered me and he said yeah and said my name. We chatted for a while and he told me he had noticed me around campus. After talking for a bit he asked if I wanted to go dance and I said yeah. We danced for a bit, but I was relatively sober and too nervous to really try making any moves or anything. Eventually my friend came up to me and said she was ready to go. So I asked him if he had my number (he didn’t) so I gave it to him. His phone was kind of old and broken so I was having trouble spelling my last name, so he grabbed it from me and typed it in for me. I hadn’t told him my last name at all that night haha so he definitely knows who I am. I put in my number and then he told me to text myself so I’d have his too. When we left I asked my friend if he had seemed into me and she said yeah but we both just looked super nervous with each other. I kind of hinted that I wanted to text him but she told me I definitely shouldn’t and should leave it to him. I just feel bad that I was so nervous and might have given off the impression that I wasn’t that into him. I feel like he’s into me, but I didn’t really give him enough to work off of so that he’d want to text me. I don’t even know what I would text him if I did though. Do you agree that I should just leave it and wait for him to do something or hope that I see him out again (this is the first time I’ve seen him out all semester so I don’t know when that will be)? Given the fact that he remembers me and told me text myself his number do you think he might be interested? Or am I reading too much into all of this and he probably thinks I'm psycho for even approaching him after a year?
  11. I was seeing this guy over the summer for a few weeks. We went on a few awesome dates, and he was giving me every sign that he was super into me. When I left town to go back to school, he told me he really wanted to keep in touch and wanted to try to visit each other periodically throughout the semester. We kept texting every day, and were flirting a ton. After about a month of that, he ended up asking if we could just be friends. I didn’t want to lose him completely so I agreed, but backed off so he could determine the dynamic of how it would work. He continued texting me almost every day, and when I went home for breaks over the next month or so (twice), he requested time off work and made plans to see me. Everything was kept completely platonic during these and we would have a great time hanging out. I don’t know how he felt, but I felt like we were friends. I don’t feel like I was giving off any vibe that I was still hoping it would be more than that. During the last time I was home, we were talking a lot about plans for the next time I was home. He wanted to cook for me and I wanted to cook something for him, we had a fun bet we had to follow through on, and he wanted to take me out on his parent’s boat. But then he suddenly started fading. He began to text less and, even when he initiated which was probably 90% of the time, he would only respond to one or two before the conversation died. The next time I went home, I asked him to hang out and he said he was just too busy. Texts became more sparse, and the last time I was home I texted him asking him if he wanted to catch up, to which he didn’t answer at all for two days, until we saw each other in person and he addressed it, saying he wanted to but was too busy with the holidays to do anything over the few days I was home. I know for a fact he was busy, but still. I was disappointed and trying to understand. Some people led me to believe I was being too much and coming across as psycho, even though I had barely been the initiator, and had only asked him to hang out twice. I just shut it down to spare myself embarrassment. For the few weeks between Thanksgiving and when I got home for my Christmas break, we didn’t speak at all. I got back and started seeing him at mutual friend gatherings a lot. Through these gatherings, it became clear to me that he wasn’t seeing someone else. I even had friends ask me privately if I was dating him, which perplexed me. We were still friendly to each other, saying hi and making small talk, but it was a bit awkward. I once mentioned the bet we had made, and he said we’d have to find time to do that but never followed up on it. But as the weeks have gone by with me being home and we’ve run into each other more and more, we’ve begun to feel normal together again. Last night we saw each other at a gathering and ended up off in a corner chatting by ourselves for an hour. He’s always been a bit awkward, and I know he has some anxiety issues he’s working out. Even when he was super into me, I had to coax him a little bit to get up the courage to ask me out, and had to be SUPER clear beforehand that I would respond positively to it. I’m not sure if this is that kind of thing again, or if he just genuinely wants me to go away. I want to ask him what happened or even if we just can spend some time together again, but I don’t want to seem desperate or like I’m chasing him. I’m home for two more weeks, then I’m going to be away for a while. Do I drop it and just accept that he’s not into me, or do I ask him what the heck happened? How would I even go about asking him if I did?
  12. I had a very short thing with this guy I work with over the summer and on breaks. We only managed to go on two dates before I had to leave to go back to school, but they were both amazing and we had really great chemistry. Once I left he started texting me every day and flirting really boldly, and even straight up told me he was into me so it became clear he liked me. Randomly after about a month of being really into each other and texting all the time, he went silent for a few days. When I confronted him and asked what was up, we talked on the phone and he confessed to me that he had always suffered from anxiety, and there were some things about our situation that were exacerbating it (i.e. I’m potentially moving in a year, I’m quite religious and he’s not, etc.). He told me he dates pretty seriously, and thinks about marriage early on, and he couldn’t see that with me without there being significant problems along the way that he wasn’t sure he was ready to take on. But he said he still liked me so much and wanted us to stay friends . . . and that if down the line it turned out we felt we could overcome those relationship hurdles he mentioned, we could talk about dating again. Since things hadn’t been physical or serious up to this point, I figured it wasn’t a huge deal. Since then we’ve ended up becoming pretty decent friends. We continued to text pretty frequently, hung out both times that I’ve been home in the past couple of months, and had a decent chunk of tentative plans for things we would do when I was home for longer over Christmas break, all initiated by him. In all of these interactions, we’ve both continued to respect friendship boundaries and everything has been kept COMPLETELY platonic. Through all of this I kept receiving really positive signs that he genuinely wanted me around, which I was happy about because I do enjoy spending time with him. Last time I was home, things got a little weird. We had made plans (initiated by him) to spend a day together hiking and getting lunch, but after these plans were made I found out my roommate would be coming home with me for the break. On the day we hung out, I kept feeling bad that I had left my roommate back at my house alone when I was supposed to be hosting her. I still had fun, but I probably seemed to be on edge, and I ended it weirdly early for us. I later felt bad because he had requested the whole day off work and driven a significant ways to meet me, but we only spent a couple of hours together. I didn’t explain to him why, and I realized later I probably came off as kind of cold. I tried to make up for it the next night by asking him to hang out again, but he ended up kind of blowing me off by saying maybe, then not giving me a definitive no until 11pm because he “fell asleep” after work. It made me mad, so then I left to go back to school without saying goodbye (which I had promised I would stop by work to do before I left). Since then it’s been about a month of weird communication. For a while he would still text me, but would do nothing to hold a conversation, so we’d only get one or two texts back and forth before he’d stop answering. Even that ended up getting more spaced out, and now it’s been about two weeks since he’s even initiated a text with me, and I’ve initiated twice, to which he answered but again wouldn’t hold much of a conversation. I can’t tell if he’s backing off because he was offended about what happened the last time I was home or if he’s just not interested anymore and is trying to get me to back off. Part of me is also wondering if this ties back in to his anxiety (which I can tell is very real and not just an excuse). I don't know how far to push him to keep trying with me in spite of that anxiety, because I really think everything would be okay, or if that's not my place. I’m going to see him next week at work. I know him, and I know he’s going to act super nonchalant about everything. I miss our friendship and I was looking forward to some of the things we’d talked about doing together when I’m home all of next month. Is it worth trying to ask him what’s up or will that just make me reek of desperation? At this point should I just take a hint that he doesn’t want anything with me anymore despite the fact that everything was going so well as friends before the last time we saw each other?
  13. I met this guy over the summer at a seasonal job and we instantly hit it off. He was super cool and we had the same quirky sense of humor. I’m really shy and introverted and don’t usually connect with people quickly, but with him it was immediate. We went on a few dates and they went super well. We ended up spending entire days together just talking about everything. He always texted me after telling me how he had such a good time and loved spending time with me. He started getting really forward with me over text. He was super flirty, straight up told me he was really into me, was always complimenting me and everything. But in person he just always seemed too nervous to make a move, and with me being shy I didn’t either. Regardless, I was being patient because he clearly really liked me — texting me first every day, always initiating dates, saying good morning and goodnight, and telling his friends about me. This went on for about a month. Then suddenly right before a night when I presume things would’ve gotten physical, he friend zoned me. He gave me plenty of reasons, then told me he appreciated and valued me so much and he would hate to lose me. He wanted to make sure I always felt like I could talk to him. Being honest with myself, I knew I couldn’t see a long term future with him, so I took it pretty well. Like I said I felt like we clicked pretty well so I was interested in staying friends. He continued texting me pretty frequently and invited me to hang out a few more times. Then he started fading. Still initiating texts but only answering two or three before stopping. He was still asking me to hang out and acting normal when we were together though, so I chalked it up to him just being busy. But then after the last time we hung out I tried to initiate us getting together for the first time in forever and he completely blew me off. Ever since then he’s basically stopped texting even though he was still initiating texts almost every day just before then. We haven’t talked in a whole week now so I tried to text and say hey, which he answered warmly but then ignored everything after that. If I’m being honest I realize he probably met someone else and has no use for me anymore. He’s just not that into me etc etc I get it. I don’t need advice on that, because I realize now that he’s being crappy and Im no longer interested in being friends or anything. I’m just so angry. I don’t even want to date him, I just felt like we got along and was trying to be nice and not blow things out of proportion. I normally don’t get super angry and I just brush stuff off. But I kind of want to call him out for being a jerk. I’m sick of guys lying to me and making me feel crazy because I trusted and respected them. Is that a completely terrible idea? Or should I just block him and forget about it? Like i said we met at a seasonal job which I will be returning to for a month over the holidays, then leaving for good. We will definitely have shifts together, but it’s a casual job and I don’t really need to directly interact with him if I don’t want to. I just want everyone to keep that in mind in any advice since it does change things a bit. Thanks in advance!!
  14. I was seeing a guy for about a month and we were both super into each other when he suddenly completely backed off. When I asked him why, he informed me that there was some emotional stuff he had to work through and because of that felt it best that we only be friends for now. His reasoning (which I won’t go into because it would be too long) was all really valid and he practically BEGGED me to stay friends with him because he didn’t want to lose me, so I agreed, even though I have romantic feelings for him. Before anyone suggests it, I will just get it out of the way that I am 99.999% confident this is not because there is another girl. It’s also not a FWB situation because he definitely gets no benefits from me (we hadn’t even kissed yet before this conversation was had). When this happened, despite me believing that his reasons were genuine, I figured he was probably just trying to let me down easy for whatever reason and I prepared myself for the slow fade. But I’ve been surprised to find just the opposite . . . he’s kind of chasing me again. I backed off and stopped initiating to protect myself from rejection, but he has been texting me/calling me literally every day. He’s gone completely out of his way a couple times now to make time to see me, and he’s super good about making concrete plans and following through on them. He’s still investing enough time and effort in me that I’m not feeling like a backburner girl at all. . . I feel like a girl he’s talking to with the intention of eventually dating. But then I remember that stupid label of “friends” that he put on things and get totally confused. Maybe I’m being stupid and this is all normal for male/female friendships, which I don’t really have a ton of. I just find it difficult to believe that he really wants to be friends with me THAT badly that he would continue putting in all of this effort to keep me around. Not to mention the fact that I also know that, at least at some point, he has been attracted to me and thought of me as more than a friend. I know for a fact that he has plenty of friends, so it can’t be a matter of him genuinely just being that desperate for friends. Next week he suggested we “hang out” on what really sounds like a date, and I’m wondering if I should just keep pretending that this is all normal or if I should confess to him that I still have feelings for him and don’t know where he stands. I guess I’m just scared to do so, because even in just being friends with him my feelings continue to grow. If he tells me that’s still all he wants, I don’t know if I can do it but I also don’t want to lose him. Should I say anything to him when we see each other or should I just continue to ride it out and see what happens?
  15. Definitely not in a relationship. We run in kind of the same circle (since we worked together) so I think he would've been more secretive if that were the case. The dates we went on were very public and we even ran into people we knew. Plus I know he's told his friends about me. So I really don't know what's up.
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