How to go about a Meet-Up situation...

Hi, I joined a psychology meetup last year in 2016 and a few days ago attended it for the second time. It went as usual, about 15 people attended and each one got to talk about the reading assignment. So the day after I received a personal message from the host, he is an older man, about late 40s/50s (btw Im a 27 year old woman) it said:

"Hi, thank you for coming and participating, I hope you'll finish reading the articles in the magazine. If you ever want to meet for beer and talk, let me know"

I am not sure how to feel about it...I am interested in the topic and would like to talk about them but I don't know since I have never talked to this person outside the meet-up in person and have seen him two times in my life. I also don't want to make things weird by not responding (since I would like to attend future meetings). I am not sure if there is anything "weird", I am not attracted to this man btw. Am I "reading too much" into it?

I would like to know maybe what I should respond to see where he is coming from?

Thanks

If you aren't attracted to him. Than I would just continue to see him in the meetings. Keeps the dynamic the same no foul.

I mean if he means it as he just wants someone to talk to about psych stuff as a friend then I'm okay with that. The thing is I am not sure.

I consult myself for guidance in two ways:

1. What do I want? Do I want him in my network in some way? Share or explore ideas? See if he might be pal, a lover, a mentor?

If I can find no reason to invest especially in this person, i say thank you for his kindess and never make a plan.

2. If yes to #1, I check my instincts: am i ignoring my inner voice?

You can't ever know what someone else is thinking and their thoughts change over time. Out interest in one another is dynamic, not fixed.

Therefore, i try not concern myself with what the man is thinking. I take him at face value and hold him to it. I dont flirt, sit next to him etc. My body language protects me.

Thanks for the guideline. I can see him as a mentor/someone to share ideas...so I guess I'll act accordingly! Maybe coffee instead of beer?

If it were me, and I've had things like this happen before, I would simply respond with an "Okay, thanks. See you at the next meetup," and then not go for that beer or any other outside one-on-one meeting unless and until I knew the guy well enough to know he did this with everyone OR that he'd be respectful and it wouldn't turn awkward if I turned him down should this turn out to be his idea of trying to suss me out for a romantic something.

And I say that only because of the context of this. I get if he had texted something like, "Hey, a group of us go for coffee to talk about psychology every Thursday/once a month. Do you want to go?" No problem, sure. But one on one, "Let's go grab a beer even though we hardly know each other," to me anyways sounds a whole lot like, "Let's do a date-like thing, so I can get to know you better and see if you'd be receptive to more romantic gestures."

At the least I would hold off on anything like that until I got to know him well enough and observe or talk with others at the meetup to know if this were cool or not. And that's something I would think someone in charge of a psychology meetup should know too. Again, this is just my take on this given the context.

Generally, I always found if I had to question someone's motives then there was a reason for that.

To me it sounds like a date like invitation. If you are not interested, going out one-on-one is asking for trouble. I would use ParisPaulette's approach.

Thanks for the guideline. I can see him as a mentor/someone to share ideas...so I guess I'll act accordingly! Maybe coffee instead of beer?

Given your comment about his potential utility to you, I like the coffee idea. Perfect, actually. Ahead of time, decide what topics or details you don't want to share, and think of more general language for those things. Also think of your exit line, in case it's a good conversation but you want to call and to it anyhow.

I think it was really inappropriate for him to ask you out for a beer, one-on-one. The purpose of the meet up is to discuss these things, so why can't that be done solely in a group? He put you in an awkward position, so that you don't know if you should ignore him or reply without going or if you should wing it and go and hope that he just wants to be a mentor. And then you'll feel awkward if you ignore him, when you attend the group meeting--and he's supposed to be some expert on psychology?

I would ignore his invite. He left it as an open-ended message that doesn't need a reply. When you go to a meetup, act as you always do and don't mention his message. If he happened to bring it up, tell him you'd rather stick to the group meetings. In this way, you can continue to enjoy the meetups. If you met him one-on-one and found he was wanting romance, could you then return to the meetups and still enjoy them? Probably not. I'd stick to the safer route.

I think even coffee would send him the message that you're "interested", to be honest. I'd only agree to do it if you or he suggest asking others to join.

Normally I am pretty dense and oblivious to men hitting on me and even to me, this comes across like a pretty clear romantic come on.

If you would be interested in dating him, go. If not, don't and don't even try to muddy the waters with I will just keep him as a mentor type figure and befriend him. It's not what he is after and the topic to discuss is nothing more than a pretext to get you to go out with him. A carrot.

I very much doubt that he saw you at the meetup and immediately went "here is my next mentoring project and I'm going to take her out for beer. Gosh I've been looking for this for a long time and there she is. I will e-mail her right away." Do you see how absurd that sounds? Much more likely he thought you are cute and he wants to take you out.

Normally I am pretty dense and oblivious to men hitting on me and even to me, this comes across like a pretty clear romantic come on.

 

If you would be interested in dating him, go. If not, don't and don't even try to muddy the waters with I will just keep him as a mentor type figure and befriend him. It's not what he is after and the topic to discuss is nothing more than a pretext to get you to go out with him. A carrot.

 

I very much doubt that he saw you at the meetup and immediately went "here is my next mentoring project and I'm going to take her out for beer. Gosh I've been looking for this for a long time and there she is. I will e-mail her right away." Do you see how absurd that sounds? Much more likely he thought you are cute and he wants to take you out.

LOL yes I can totally see your point. Also I forgot to mention a day after he sent that he changed his profile picture...

It sounds like he's hitting on you. You could respond "yes i'm reading the articles, see you at the next meet up".

Then be polite but focused on the meetup when attending. Also talk more with the other participants when there and avoid being alone or cornered by him.

"Hi, thank you for coming and participating, I hope you'll finish reading the articles in the magazine. If you ever want to meet for beer and talk, let me know". I also don't want to make things weird by not responding (since I would like to attend future meetings).I am not attracted to this man btw.

I think it was really inappropriate for him to ask you out for a beer, one-on-one. The purpose of the meet up is to discuss these things, so why can't that be done solely in a group? He put you in an awkward position, so that you don't know if you should ignore him or reply without going or if you should wing it and go and hope that he just wants to be a mentor. And then you'll feel awkward if you ignore him, when you attend the group meeting--and he's supposed to be some expert on psychology?

 

I would ignore his invite. He left it as an open-ended message that doesn't need a reply. When you go to a meetup, act as you always do and don't mention his message. If he happened to bring it up, tell him you'd rather stick to the group meetings. In this way, you can continue to enjoy the meetups. If you met him one-on-one and found he was wanting romance, could you then return to the meetups and still enjoy them? Probably not. I'd stick to the safer route.

This is also a good point.

All of the replies about it obvi being a date type request have caused me to back to the beginning. Rereading now.

"Hi, thank you for coming and participating, I hope you'll finish reading the articles in the magazine. If you ever want to meet for beer and talk, let me know"

 

In other words, to talk more about the articles, in a way that can dive deeper into the topics, or cover more topics, than we do in a group setting? Sharing very personal information? Did he pick up on the fact that I am vulnerable to strong leadership, to following? Has he asked every woman here that same question? Did he and the OP especially connect over the articles? Is this a way discuss them once she has finished reading them, since the group will have moved past that point by then?

 

 

I am not sure how to feel about it...I am interested in the topic and would like to talk about them but I don't know since I have never talked to this person outside the meet-up in person and have seen him two times in my life.

 

I hear: "This feels too intimate, too familiar to do at this time." If true, then back up. You assert your boundary by the nature of your response.

 

I also don't want to make things weird by not responding (since I would like to attend future meetings).

 

I hear: I feel obligated, just by him asking the question.

 

No response is necessary. A simple "thank you" and perhaps "I look forward to reading the material. It may take me awhile."

 

Given that you might use him as a mentor - which is a position of trust, and he has not earned that yet - I would reply with some thing generic.

 

We don't know what has been said in group. Maybe he preys on people based on what they've shared about themselves. Or maybe he has a particular interest in a part of the discussion that you do, and therefore a discussion outside of group is logical.

 

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People are responding like No, it's an expression of interest! I guess I don't care so much what it is; just don't go anywhere private, be careful what information you share, and be mindful of your arrival and departure protocols. Be prepared to say I'm flattered, no thank you. Or don't go.

 

Whatever you choose, do it because you want to. And for no other reason. His ask was completely soft. It has no teeth.

 

Big life lesson: nobody else can ever obligate you to do anything. Ever. Only you can do that.