Am i being materialisitc/superficial

my friend has been bugging me for some time now, saying that I will never settle down with a man unless I lower my standards.

I'm a young 29 year old accountant, own my own house in the centre of town, have a good job and have been able to afford some simple luxuries such as trips and handbags and watches - not excessively though. what I have I have saved up for and I have paid for on my own.

when it comes to dating... I am simply not attracted to any young men who are not career orientated or lack ambition. My friend has noticed this, and has complained that I am only interested in guys with money who are either lawyers or accountants. perhaps this is driven by the fact my ex was unemployed (out of choice) and I ended up paying for all the bills for years?

but my eyes only seem to go for men in suits, who are well versed and educated.

not sure if this is a problem I have?

or if its ok, I spend all my day exposed to business men, in corporate gatherings etc.... is this just my life and she doesn't understand it? or am I being cynical?

It doesn't seem like "has a job" is too picky.

perhaps this is driven by the fact my ex was unemployed (out of choice) and I ended up paying for all the bills for years?

Some people simply aren't especially driven and don't choose to live life in the fast lane. They'd rather live simply and in peace than to hustle and scramble so that they can have more things. That's their choice and there's nothing wrong with that. If you look down on those people as less than you then yes, there is a problem with your attitude.

However, as far as who you want to date and potentially couple with; completely your call. In fact, it's probably only smart to look for someone whose level of drive and ambition is close to your's. And if you're attracted to the well-groomed business type in a suit, that's just what you happen to be attracted to. That's perfectly fine.

Now, if it's just a matter of wanting a man who can buy you things, well, that's another story...

no I don't want a man to buy me things... its nice to get gifts out of his own will like surprises and stuff.... but I also enjoy buying gifts and being generous and thoughtful

and no I don't look down...my parents are very humble and iv been brought up in a very simple life. my family always joked and called me 'posh'...just because I was always naturally inclined to the finer things in life.

I enjoy slumming it a lot. having my hair tied in a messy bun and out in flip flops in the wild getting dirty and trekking and travelling and seeing everything in the world.... its not all about Louis Vuitton!

I used to get told that a lot, too. In my case, it has to do with the area I was raised in. Looking for someone with a good job and an education isn't too much to ask for, especially since you have both of those things yourself.

Now, if you're only looking at men who could moonlight as an Abercrombie model, drive the newest Ferrari, and who will spoil you rotten from the gate who also fit your parameters re your friend might have a point. Nonetheless, I rarely advocate for the lowering of standards save for extreme circumstances.

Surely the kind of man you want is far more likely to settle down? I don't get it.

I wouldn't conflate wanting someone not being "career oriented" with not wain aaanting someone who's full on unemployed.

I'm a contractor whose work, absent starting my own business, doesn't really lend itself to upward mobility or significant career development aside from simply keeping up. I work, I invoice, I eventually get paid. I'm pretty cool with that. I'm income motivated... as in I like having money to do ****, but I really don't consider myself "career motivated." I haven't come across a woman who's had a problem with it.

But, as wiseman stated, someone with a job is pretty barebones.

I don't get it - the men you like also like similarly accomplished women. If you are only getting hit on by unemployed guys that live in mommas basement, then something is amiss. Is this in person or on dating sites? If its in person then its the group you run with (that's also telling you your standards are too high).

my friend has been bugging me for some time now, saying that I will never settle down with a man unless I lower my standards.

I'm a young 29 year old accountant, own my own house in the centre of town, have a good job and have been able to afford some simple luxuries such as trips and handbags and watches - not excessively though. what I have I have saved up for and I have paid for on my own.

 

when it comes to dating... I am simply not attracted to any young men who are not career orientated or lack ambition. My friend has noticed this, and has complained that I am only interested in guys with money who are either lawyers or accountants. perhaps this is driven by the fact my ex was unemployed (out of choice) and I ended up paying for all the bills for years?

 

but my eyes only seem to go for men in suits, who are well versed and educated.

 

not sure if this is a problem I have?

or if its ok, I spend all my day exposed to business men, in corporate gatherings etc.... is this just my life and she doesn't understand it? or am I being cynical?

I was just like you my whole life. And I never settled, and got married at 32 with the love of my life. I also have zero attraction to men in service (police, army, firemen, etc.), and definitely a man in a suit person (heck, my dad wore a suit when he took me to the beach on his day off - so I wonder why??? Ha!).

Dating someone unemployed or making less than you, and you don't have a strong foundation together is the PITS. Don't settle for someone who doesn't have their stuff together. Plus, when you date someone in a similar field, type of work, or industry, you probably are more compatible in the long haul as well.

Who you choose to date and marry is your business, because your friend is not the one dating or marrying them. As long as they are accountable and good, they should butt out.

I think your friend needs to mind her business. It's up to you who you choose to date/marry and if you never do that, it's your choice. You are free to live your life your way and her butting in is not useful to you in any way. Nothing wrong with being interested in guys who suit your lifestyle.

Agree. If guys in suits are what you want, then seek that out.

I think your friend needs to mind her business. Nothing wrong with being interested in guys who suit your lifestyle.

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Agree. If guys in suits are what you want, then seek that out.

 

. You're allowed to be reasonable, arbitrary, prejudicial, whatever. Your interests are your interests and when considering someone you'd potentially spend the rest of your life with, it's best to err on the side of being more discriminatory than not.

 

Everyone here has different relationship requirements and goals. Take tattoobunnnie in this thread for example. She suggests your partner not making less than you and relevant field. Compare that to myself and my partner, respectively: contractor (mostly interpreting) vs. doctor, $60,000 - $70,000 vs. $150,000. Nowhere close in terms of field and there's an "income disparity" to put it lightly. Still works for us though I'm certain hers works for hers. There's no real right or wrong, just what pertains to you. Don't let your friends dictate against what you know your incompatibilities to be.

 

What does come into play is the numbers game. Certain preferences simply may limit the pool of options. It's up to you to weigh how important such standards are to you.

Take tattoobunnnie in this thread for example. She suggests your partner not making less than you and relevant field. Compare that to myself and my partner, respectively: contractor (mostly interpreting) vs. doctor, $60,000 - $70,000 vs. $150,000. Nowhere close in terms of field and there's an "income disparity" to put it lightly. Still works for us though I'm certain hers works for hers.

I didn't say that! When you have a strong foundation as a relationship, it doesn't matter who makes more. I was making three times more when we got married, and now only making double since he started working full-time again. I mean, when you are starting out together, it's easier to choose a partner who can bring things to the plate.

Plenty of people date a person who are unemployed, and stay chronically unemployed, and still a right fit for others. But in this scenario, the OP wants someone who can hold their own, and she should never settle for any less.

Sorry, I should also add with regards to strong foundation, I've known my hubby since we were both 16. So, I know he's a really good guy. I've dated millionaires and wealthy men - but married him as a pauper. He rocks my world at any income, but he's a hard worker, and brilliant, so having a drive makes a difference.

my friend has been bugging me for some time now, saying that I will never settle down with a man unless I lower my standards.

I'm a young 29 year old accountant, own my own house in the centre of town, have a good job and have been able to afford some simple luxuries such as trips and handbags and watches - not excessively though. what I have I have saved up for and I have paid for on my own.

 

when it comes to dating... I am simply not attracted to any young men who are not career orientated or lack ambition. My friend has noticed this, and has complained that I am only interested in guys with money who are either lawyers or accountants. perhaps this is driven by the fact my ex was unemployed (out of choice) and I ended up paying for all the bills for years?

 

but my eyes only seem to go for men in suits, who are well versed and educated.

 

not sure if this is a problem I have?

or if its ok, I spend all my day exposed to business men, in corporate gatherings etc.... is this just my life and she doesn't understand it? or am I being cynical?

I only dated men who were at least college educated and shared my educational values (meaning saw the value and accomplishment of a college education). Most of the men I dated had grad degrees. All were professional as I was. I definitely wanted a man with ambition and a strong work ethic and most men in my major city where I did all my dating who had a grad degree had a career or profession that was white collar and either government or corporate (usually the latter). It wasn't a problem for me because it actually was hard for me to even encounter men who weren't at least college educated - so in practice I rarely was in the position of meeting a man who was not college educated who also found me attractive and asked me out. I encountered a number of men without college degrees online (I limited my search educationally -they contacted me or they had lied). In every situation that that happened their reasons for not going to college were incompatible with my values (or desire for someone intelligent) or they were not financially stable as I was.

I didn't care if he made less than me. I did care about financial stability.

I think it's fine -you're looking for someone for the long term who has things in common and compatible values. Do you live somewhere where it's easy to meet educated professional men?

This has been my own personal experience - those people who wanted to criticize me for being "too picky" or "having high standards" always had their own agenda OR were projecting their own issues, particularly about the topic they were pushing to hand.

This means the friend who loudly and constantly criticized me for being "too selfish" and "materialistic" was the one who would borrow my nicest things, then break or "lose" them only to start in on me when I'd say no the next time. Those friends who told me I was too picky about the guys I dated? Let's see, one set me up with an emotionally abusive man, who later got physically abusive then stalked me; another one set me up with a guy who wanted me to do his laundry after two dates and to sleep on my couch, and no he wasn't employed, because he was "too good for low-paying jobs." The third and final one was someone I Googled only to find he had a criminal record for assault.

So much for those "friends" who all wanted me to find love so badly and went on about how I should overlook basic red flags that no one in their right damned minds would or should overlook when choosing a partner.

You want someone who is employed and won't mooch off of, use you for money, or steal from you? Sounds like a pretty good NORMAL standard to me, for both women AND men to have.

Also take a good hard look at your friend. How is her love life anyways and what the men like that she is going out with or has had relationships with in the past? Were they good guys who never cheated on her, had jobs, made her happy? OR is she the type who is forever locked in one toxic relationship after another with scary people straight out of a "Let's Not Meet" story on another popular website forum?

I think you know the answer and I think you should either tell your friend to go clean up her love life first, instead of worrying about yours. OR maybe find friends not so willing to lead you down a bad path to begin with.

Ask her if she'd date a man who is not tall or shorter than she is. (If you feel like going down that path).

Ask her if she'd date a man who is not tall or shorter than she is. (If you feel like going down that path).

Also keep in mind, people that have been in relationships generally have far lower standards toward dating than someone actively dating and seeing the many disasters involved with it. When I first started dating I went out with every girl I found attractive - and after awhile you learn that isn't exactly the recipe for success. So you start putting restrictions and deal breakers in place - then you get called being picky by someone in a loveless marriage LOL (true story)

Just to be clear, there IS such a thing as too picky. If you're a "5" who makes $35K a year who refuses to "settle" for less than a "7" who makes less than $75K a year then I'm sorry but you are being too picky. But OP, I don't think this is the case with you.

It's interesting; some women love the slicked back suit and tie look. Some are badge bunnies who love cops and firefighters. Others like the tatted-up biker look. But all those looks are just different expressions of masculine energy.

The suit and tie look conveys ambition and power. The uniformed look courage, valor, and service. The biker look freedom and rebellion.

Just to be clear, there IS such a thing as too picky. If you're a "5" who makes $35K a year who refuses to "settle" for less than a "7" who makes less than $75K a year then I'm sorry but you are being too picky. But OP, I don't think this is the case with you.

 

It's interesting; some women love the slicked back suit and tie look. Some are badge bunnies who love cops and firefighters. Others like the tatted-up biker look. But all those looks are just different expressions of masculine energy.

 

The suit and tie look conveys ambition and power. The uniformed look courage, valor, and service. The biker look freedom and rebellion.

I think those women who focus on the uniform/suit etc to that extent are being superficial - certainly attraction has an element of superficiality but if the main reason for dating the person is his "look" that's problematic. That's not what the OP is doing or wants to be doing.