Infrequent sex is breaking my heart - how do I discuss, approach and fix this?

My fiance (32) and I (33) have been together for 3 years (engaged for a few months now) and live together. We love each other and get along very well, but infrequent sex is making me feel awful. I will admit I'm not the best at asking for it, because I don't know how to do it without feeling/acting awkward, and because I take it very personally if I get turned down. My fiance is not the greatest in asking for it either, as we average about once every 1 - 1 1/2 weeks. It's always been this way for the most part. He is out of town often and frequently only home on the weekends. So if we don't have sex on Fri or Sat night, generally speaking it isn't happening at all that week. I trust him, I just don't understand why he is isn't more interested. We don't ever sext, as he says it's because his phone is his work phone ( it's the only one he has and he uses it for everything personal). I have tried a few times but I don't ever get any feedback/participation other than an emoji or a "me too". We don't talk dirty to one another other than while we're having sex, and usually it's only me doing it. I have asked him many times if he wants to do anything different or specifically what he likes, but I always get "I like everything" and "I like this (i.e. what we are already doing). He doesn't seem to care too much about me dressing up in nice lingerie (though he says "If you like doing it, then go ahead!") so I don't bother anymore because I feel silly. He does always tell me I'm beautiful in/out of the bedroom and will tell me I'm sexy, in the bedroom. Otherwise we are very loving towards one another and we hold hands, cuddle on the couch, touch, etc. all the time.

It hurts me because we were friends before we were together and I can remember him chatting back then about how he didn't really like XYZ girl too much but that they dated anyway "because sex", or that he and his ex stayed together longer than they should have "because sex". And then there's me, engaged to him and living with him, and this latest stretch has been 3 1/2 weeks without anything. We went without sex for a month once before and when I tearfully mentioned it to him, he said he had been so busy with work that he hadn't noticed. Ouch.

I've tried to talk to him about it (without mentioning stuff in the second paragraph above, as that would likely just piss him off) but he gets defensive. I have turned him down maybe 3 times ever, so I don't think he's worried about that. When I bring it up, he says I can ask for sex too, but the few times I work up the nerve, he is often too tired. Sometimes we try anyway and he will be too tired to finish. I don't really know how to ask without feeling like an idiot, honestly. It's hard for me to work up the nerve to be assertive when I don't feel all that desired in the first place. I feel like I'm bothering him. It hurts me that the lack of frequency doesn't seem to bother him. I reiterate that I don't believe this is a cheating or trust issue - it's a communication problem and I don't know how to fix it.

Help, please, and I beg you to please be kind, as it's a sore subject

EDIT: I should probably add that in a previous relationship I was in, my ex was always asking me for sex and I was always turning him down. I turned him down because I wasn't attracted to him and didn't want to sleep with him. (Long story, but I fully realize that was a bad situation). Basically I'm afraid of this situation happening again, except with me being the needy nag this time and with my fiance being the one who isn't really attracted to me.

Sorry to hear this but it sounds like his work schedule is a huge factor. You seem to want to cram 50 shades of grey into a weekend when he's away all week and that pressure is inhibiting, not helping either of you.

Also all this dressing up, sexting, dirty talk, etc may be off putting if he's not into it. Are you into it? If so it sounds like basic sexual incompatibility, but as you mention "It's always been this way for the most part".

Begging for reassurances is probably as awkward for you as it is for him. You seem to wrap up to much of your self worth and desirability in this when it sounds more like logistics. Try creating a relaxing romantic environment weekends to "let things happen" rather than complaining to no avail.

he is out of town often and frequently only home on the weekends. I've tried to talk to him about it but he gets defensive. When I bring it up, he says I can ask for sex too, but the few times I work up the nerve, he is often too tired.

It sounds very frustrating and just like you aren't into the same things, I guess, but that he is open to what you like (which is why he said 'if YOU like it then sure' about dressing up). Some guys just aren't as excited about lingerie as others. It can be disappointing if you are expecting more of a reaction, but yeah maybe try creating a different situation that he is more into, perhaps romantic or relaxing as opposed to racy and high tempo. It sounds like you need to communicate about this issue but in a mature way rather than moaning or hassling. If he feels accused of something then he will only react defensively. You have to talk to him in a way that doesn't sound demanding or accusatory. Sit him down one day over a tea or coffee and ask if you can talk openly about this problem.

You say it has always been this way- how come you didn't address it sooner if it is such an issue, were you just hoping the situation would change by itself?

hi,

i really feel for you with this post. i know from experience what it is like being in a relationship with differeing sex drives. we used to go easy 6 weeks between but my partner said all i wanted her for was sex if i said anything, however, i did not demand. there was very little touching/kissing/hugging or any physical contact.

this however still happens in your relationship, which is a positive sign.

this happens when he's working, but what happens if you go on holiday ? thenn the tiredness should be aleviated somewhat ?

Agree....he may not want to be greeted at the door with all this after being away for a week. Allow some reentry time.

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Hi, and I too really feel for you. My ex husband and I had incompatibility of this sort from early on. When I'd try and ask him what he liked, or what fantasies he had, he'd just get alarmed, and say well the stuff we do. Or no, I have no fantasies. However I tried to guide him to do stuff for me, without being overt to ask and get a rejection, it never ever happened. I guess the only way would have been a direct asking, and I inferred from some off hand comments he made that he found that dirty talking and different kinds of sex off putting and "inappropriate" for marriage. So I settled for years of very mediocre sex. It was a huge mistake that I regret to this day. I should have understood, and ended things with him when we were just at those early stages.

So my understanding is that it won't really change with your guy.

i agree with bromwood. in my experience (sorry to bang on about it) it didnt improve, it only got worse if anything, developed into seperate bedrooms (even on holiday), and i used to hate waking up alone. part of a relationship is waking up to a hug....

Don't get married to this guy!

You have a lot of issues to work out before even considering a life long commitment.

Some of the hardest discussions can be about sex but it has to be done and done soon. There is a way to get all the things you are feeling and are hard to express but it is kind of a chicken way of getting the discussion started. Write him a letter explaining your desires and concerns. Let him know you love him but that you would like more intimacy in your relationship. Once the letter is done you need to pick a good time to hand it to him. Once he has gotten home and has had time to unwind and get settled (maybe the second day) when things are calm sit down with him and tell him you have written him a letter explaining some things you are feeling and you want him to read it and when he is ready you will be waiting to talk about it. This will allow him to get the information from you in a less threatening way and also allow him to digest your feelings before you both talk about it. Don't initiate the conversation just before or after sex, make it a calm time when you both have time to talk and listen.

This will be tough but is HAS to be done so you both can decide what will happen next in the relationship.

Lost

All I can say is listen to Lost. It won't get better after marriage.