real feelings, only for girls who I dont have sex with. Confused.

I have been allitle confused about how my brain works, and want to see if there are other people out there who are like this. Im starting to realize that in relationships that the girl doesnt want to have sex, I end up falling for her harder than I would if I have sex with them. For example, 2 of my exes didnt want to have sex and were trying to better themeselves. I tried to be as cooperative as possible with the no sex rule.. but what i noticed was that my feelings were stronger for the girl. At the time, I believe i didnt understand their perspective of the no sex rule, which angered me deep down on the fact that they didnt want to have sex, but wanted to keep me around as a boyfriend.

On the other hand, ive had relationships where I have sex with the girl on the 2nd-4th date and I end up feeling horrible for the girl. I end up thinking that she doesnt know what shes doing just giving her body out like that. Im in this type of relationship right now, and the girl constantly wants sex. She is the most beautiful ,and the funniest girl. But I have no feelings what so ever. And i dont know why.. I just feel like going into a phase of celibacy and studying the bible now.. And explaining to her that what were doing doesnt seem right to me. My brain is fighting this battle of whether to continue this type of behavior or stop it and find a new path (as did my 2 exes who didnt want to have sex with me).

I dont understand what is right or what is wrong. I have no religious beliefs and do not believe in a certain god currently. It just feels wrong to lead a girl to this path. But then again, she wants it. Shes driven over a numerous amount of times in excuse to watch a movie. Ive been in this type of relationship before and it felt wrong on my part, so i ended up leaving the girl. Is it an improvement for me to stop having sex and go towards the path of christ, and to start reading the bible? I dont udnerstand this battle in my head but it is extremely stressful.

How do you guys think? Similar to me? Differently? Are my exes who didnt want to have sex, in a way, more mature than me mentally? Would it be a better more mature decision for me to attempt to follow them? Am i growing up mentally?

It's human nature to want what you can't have and once you get it, you don't appreciate it. You also see or percieve that the girls who don't put out value themselves more and it's also human nature to want someone or something that has value. I think that's pretty much what's going on in your situation. The mature thing is to not give a crap about any of this if the person you're with is a good fit. You see past this BS.

The mature thing is to not give a crap about any of this if the person you're with is a good fit. You see past this BS.

Jmann, Stop with the self righteous outlook. If these women are of legal age, than who cares? There's no right and wrong here. Your 2 adults having consensual sex, I hope.

How old are you all? Your thought process suggests that you lack life experience. It also suggests that you view sex as something degrading and 'dirty'. Why? If it is not due to religion, it may be due to some other other negative experiences or misconceptions picked up while growing up. Maybe you grew up in a family where there was a lot of disapproval surrounding it.

Regardless, if it is practiced safely between two consensual adults then there is nothing wrong with it. People who don't have it are no better than people who do. It makes zero difference regarding a person's value. Judging your girlfriend like that is inaccurate and unfair on your part. For all you know, the girls who didn't want to have sex, liked you less than the ones that did. It also may be that you are suffering from low self-esteem, so the girls who don't want to have sex with you validate your feelings of inadequacy, thus appearing 'superior' and 'right' based on how you feel deep down about yourself. Or you may have been brought up to view women as 'objects that lose their value with use'. Sadly, certain gender inequalities left from the past are still carried between generations. There are lots of ways to interpret things.

Projecting your misconceptions onto your girlfriends may lead you to miss out on someone who really loves you, hurting them in the process. At this point you may need to step back in order to clarify where all these thoughts are really coming from.

Perhaps you need to stop seeing sex as something that women GIVE AWAY. It's a bonding activity that many people enjoy, women (gasp) included. They are adults, they know what they're doing with their body. They're not some helpless victim from whom you "took" their body. You're not leading them to anything (unless you used deception or presented yourself untruthfully).

Adults have sex when they're dating. It's simple, it's natural. Some people choose to wait longer because they want to know the person they're dating first, some people want to wait a long time (depending on your definition of long), maybe for religious reasons, maybe not. Some people don't want to wait. there's no one right approach, there's no right or wrong. There's only what works for you. So if having sex doesn't work for you, date someone who holds the same view.

Waiting for a while is more sensible if one is looking for a serious relationship, but not required. Wanting to have sex early or to wait or to never have sex has nothing to do with maturity. But one's reason for doing those things and their understanding of sex could reflect someone's maturity level.

I used to be somewhat like this. There were women who I would objectify the hell out of and want to have sex with but didn't have a single romantic notion towards, and then there were women who I had these almost idealistic views of and wanted a relationship with, but didn't even have a single sexual fantasy about.

This struck me as odd and even a bit dysfunctional so I looked into it and found out its actually fairly common among men, especially younger ones. I won't get into all the psycho babble but its a form of splitting; basically there was good Krankor and bad Krankor.

I was raised in a very religious home in which premarital sex was seen as sinful, so I'm sure that helps explain it. Why would I want to besmirch a pure love? But I'm a male with hormones so I needed some outlet for it. You aren't religious but I'm sure some messages still got into your head. There may even be some evolutionary psychology behind it but I can't imagine what that would be.

Somewhere around my mid-twenties I just grew out of it, plain and simple.

"I end up thinking that she doesnt know what shes doing just giving her body out like that"

Excuse me, but are you not guilty of the same thing? Why do you give YOUR body out like that? You actively participate. This can be summed up to gender stereotypes. If a woman has sex a couple dates in, then she is perceived unfavorably. However, if it's a guy giving up his body that easily, then this type of thinking doesn't apply.

If you answer the question why this doesn't apply to you, then you have your answer. I would put my money on cultural values for gender roles. That's all this comes down to. You fall harder for the celibate girls because they fit in your own cultutal background with what's perceived as in good standing with society, which places a higher value on that individual. It's not about personal character or god, but what your kind value.

Why don't you hold back first? It's ironic to use them for sex and at the same time condemn them for it, no?

Im in this type of relationship right now, and the girl constantly wants sex. I have no feelings what so ever. And i dont know why.. I just feel like going into a phase of celibacy and studying the bible now.

This actually does make some sense from an evolutionary standpoint now that I think of it. Men want to make sure their genes live on, so aren't necessarily terribly picky about who they'll sleep with (at least not on a base, hormonal level, we may make other conscious choices.) However, if men are going to actually pair bond with a woman and devote his time and resources to her and her children, he wants to make darn sure those are his kids he's raising and not some other caveman. If he perceives a woman to be promiscuous or "easy" for lack of a better term he may have a hard time believing that she won't be out getting knocked up by Ug from two caves over while he's out hunting food for her and the little ones.

We have to remember that our genes still think we are living in the Paleolithic era. So there is some logic--however twisted--to OPs thinking. But I think once you understand it it's easier to overcome it.

Great analogy. But what about cave women getting jealous?

If he perceives a woman to be promiscuous or "easy" for lack of a better term he may have a hard time believing that she won't be out getting knocked up by Ug from two caves over while he's out hunting food for her and the little ones.

]

Great analogy. But what about cave women getting jealous?

]

That's why it's believed that men find it more psychologically painful to be cheated on physically while women find it more painful to be cheated on emotionally. Men are afraid of devoting resources to raising another man's child while women are afraid of her and her children being abandonded for someone else

I've read some of your previous posts and my only advise would to be to consider not dating for a while and investing that energy into yourself. You should only date when you feel whole and have something to offer someone.

If you are finding yourself unable to do so, then it's a call to get out of the game and deal with some unresolved issues.

It's human nature to want what you can't have and once you get it, you don't appreciate it. You also see or percieve that the girls who don't put out value themselves more and it's also human nature to want someone or something that has value. I think that's pretty much what's going on in your situation. The mature thing is to not give a crap about any of this if the person you're with is a good fit. You see past this BS.

How would i become more mature to see past this? I believe a part of it is this.. is when i want something i cant have, i keep trying, then when i get it, i dont appreciate it. I think my parents spoiled me when i was younger. But is there a process to STOP thinking like this? Although im not 100% sure it is this, i like to believe so, as it seems like something i do to objects and items i receive or buy.

"I end up thinking that she doesnt know what shes doing just giving her body out like that"

 

Excuse me, but are you not guilty of the same thing? Why do you give YOUR body out like that? You actively participate. This can be summed up to gender stereotypes. If a woman has sex a couple dates in, then she is perceived unfavorably. However, if it's a guy giving up his body that easily, then this type of thinking doesn't apply.

 

If you answer the question why this doesn't apply to you, then you have your answer. I would put my money on cultural values for gender roles. That's all this comes down to. You fall harder for the celibate girls because they fit in your own cultutal background with what's perceived as in good standing with society, which places a higher value on that individual. It's not about personal character or god, but what your kind value.

Im sorry that was my half a**ed sentence. I also feel that way about myself after having sex. That is the reason that i continue on to say that right now, i feel like going into a phase of celibacy and start reading the bible.

I believe that my past 2 girlfriends put a huge dent in my psychological thinking about sex. I never had sex with either one of them, and they used to explain to me how it is wrong to have sex and that they were trying to straighten their lives out. One of them talked about how her last few boyfriends slept with her in her bed but never had sex or did anything. They believed thats how it is suppose to be. I think they were right, to a certain extent.

Is it right to believe that sex is something that gets a part of a humans brain attached like crazy glue ? So why would you want to crazy glue yourself to someone who you are unsure about ? I understand theres such thing as casual sex but i like to think long term. As far as what type of person im going to be when i have a wife and kids.

I want to get married some day. I want to have kids. Would it be right for me to think that casual sex is OK for us humans? And that sex has a value of only pleasure in certain situations? When one cheats on another, is it okay to think, "i would have left her if she actually liked him, but since it was just casual sex like she says it is, ill let it slide"..

All in all, im wanting to and starting to believe that its better and more mature and psychologically advanced to wait until you are sure that you like this person enough to have sex with them. I couple nights filled with laughter and enjoyment shouldnt be enough to make one think that they should just go to a room to have allitle safe fun.

For those of you who are curious, these girls im dating are in their 20s. im 23. my last girlfriend who talked me into thinking that it wasnt right to have sex with just anyone, was 26. she herself had sex with many people before she started this thought process. and since my identity is hidden on this site, my body count is somewhere around 15.

I think it's ok to date and have sex but not tie yourself down to just anyone. often people have to try on a few relationships before the find what type of chemistry and compatibility works for them.

Great question 45;6759827]So why would you want to crazy glue yourself to someone who you are unsure about ?

Jmann, if you feel the same way after you have sex with a woman, I do agree that you should refrain from sleeping with people right off the bat. Just because you seem to be so uncomfortable about it afterwards. To be honest, it seems to me that your past girlfriends who didn't have relations with you had quite concerning issues: "how it is wrong to have sex and that they were trying to straighten their lives out". So they have had sex before and felt so guilty about it that they were trying to straighten their lives out? And now you're trying to do the same?

How about this: try to take the initiative in your relationships. Tell women you date you are not ready for sex until you get to know them better. Wait until you're ready. If the girl in question doesn't respect that, then she's not for you. Look out for your own self by asserting your boundaries. Women are not the only ones who should wait for sex and you should not be stigmatized for doing so.

Casual sex is okay as long as you're safe in doing so. People should mind their own business, but you should only do what is right by you. I would be keen to say your problems would be solved if you didn't go along with what your partner allows and stuck to your comfort level while waiting to be intimate until the right time.

Jmann, if you feel the same way after you have sex with a woman, I do agree that you should refrain from sleeping with people right off the bat. Just because you seem to be so uncomfortable about it afterwards. To be honest, it seems to me that your past girlfriends who didn't have relations with you had quite concerning issues: "how it is wrong to have sex and that they were trying to straighten their lives out". So they have had sex before and felt so guilty about it that they were trying to straighten their lives out? And now you're trying to do the same?

 

How about this: try to take the initiative in your relationships. Tell women you date you are not ready for sex until you get to know them better. Wait until you're ready. If the girl in question doesn't respect that, then she's not for you. Look out for your own self by asserting your boundaries. Women are not the only ones who should wait for sex and you should not be stigmatized for doing so.

 

Casual sex is okay as long as you're safe in doing so. People should mind their own business, but you should only do what is right by you. I would be keen to say your problems would be solved if you didn't go along with what your partner allows and stuck to your comfort level while waiting to be intimate until the right time.

I think that's a great idea, but just to clarify, do you think that my past girlfriends who didn't want to have sex were the ones with the issues? Dont you think that they were approaching the relationship from a more mature and self controlling concept? And to answer your question, yes, that is what I am also trying to do. But am not sure whether they were the ones with issues, or if they were just more mature and had more self control than I do right now.

Why don't you hold back first? It's ironic to use them for sex and at the same time condemn them for it, no?

Amen. Talk about double standards. Wow.

Amen. Talk about double standards. Wow.

As I said before, I feel exactly the same as how I look at the female after it. Instead of saying, she's in the wrong for giving her body out like that, I feel like telling her that what we're doing isn't right. So no, it's not double standards. Please read the whole post thoroughly. I explained that I felt like going into a phase of celibacy. Please don't take things out of context. Thank you.

In no way do I think I'm "using them" for sex. Before the sex takes place, I like to believe it's 2 humans who are willingly having casual sex, and that's all. Not that I'm "using someone for sex".

Please read the whole post thoroughly. I explained that I felt like going into a phase of celibacy. Please don't take things out of context.

OP, will all due respect, I have followed most of your numerous threads and you have given a very good picture of the ongoing mental turmoil you seem to be living with. This is yet another thread which shows that. To show a short summary in your words:

"I dont understand this battle in my head but it is extremely stressful.

I always want to think of myself superior to others. I think that my thought process is one of a kind, and a majority of the people around me arent as cunning and smart as me, therefore, i am the best person to get advice from (specifically about relationships).

anxiety, depression, cutting, don't want to go to a doctor for help.

cling to people who want nothing to do with me.

"mental issues" (your words), trust issues

What is wrong with me?"

In almost all of those threads, many members (myself included) have strongly suggested you look into professional therapy/counseling. You even have a thread saying you DON'T want to get help. But almost all your threads point to someone who really NEEDS professional help (imo). Strangers on the internet are not going to be able to solve your many issues. If you choose NOT to get the help you need, then be prepared for a downward spiral and a miserable life (unless you don't mind the way your life is going right now). As you have noticed, so far, nothing you do is changing anything. Choice is yours.

OP, will all due respect, I have followed most of your numerous threads and you have given a very good picture of the ongoing mental turmoil you seem to be living with. This is yet another thread which shows that. To show a short summary in your words:

"I dont understand this battle in my head but it is extremely stressful.

 

I always want to think of myself superior to others. I think that my thought process is one of a kind, and a majority of the people around me arent as cunning and smart as me, therefore, i am the best person to get advice from (specifically about relationships).

 

anxiety, depression, cutting, don't want to go to a doctor for help.

 

cling to people who want nothing to do with me.

 

"mental issues" (your words), trust issues

 

What is wrong with me?"

 

In almost all of those threads, many members (myself included) have strongly suggested you look into professional therapy/counseling. You even have a thread saying you DON'T want to get help. But almost all your threads point to someone who really NEEDS professional help (imo). Strangers on the internet are not going to be able to solve your many issues. If you choose NOT to get the help you need, then be prepared for a downward spiral and a miserable life (unless you don't mind the way your life is going right now). As you have noticed, so far, nothing you do is changing anything. Choice is yours.

Thank you for your input and concern, as it is greatly appreciated. Many of my previous problems and "battles" in my head were resolved because of people's advice on here. Not the advice that suggests to get help, but the advice that explains what's actually going on in my head. There have been a few different people in every thread I have started, who tend to explain to me what seems to be going on in my head. And I take note from that and help myself understand the situation. This thread describes a new issue, to which I am slowly settling to a reason of why I think like this. And I have been thinking of a resolution today.

Long story short, some users on eNotAlone have helped me greatly with my previous problems, which I have learned from. You have also helped me in some previous threads. I have read all of the responses in this thread and the first few seem to be the most helpful. So once again, thank you for your input, but I am finding improvements psychologically from some people's responses on here.

I think that's a great idea, but just to clarify, do you think that my past girlfriends who didn't want to have sex were the ones with the issues? Dont you think that they were approaching the relationship from a more mature and self controlling concept? And to answer your question, yes, that is what I am also trying to do. But am not sure whether they were the ones with issues, or if they were just more mature and had more self control than I do right now.

Yes. Anyone who says it's wrong to have sex at all is clearly afraid of intimacy and has a strong negative view about sex. I can only assume due to past negative experiences the person had or religious views condemning the act. I mean, these women have had sex before, right? Why did they stop? Most likely they got so much crap about it that they did a complete 360 and preached to others about how wrong it was to take part in sex. Hence, they have quite the baggage. It's not maturity, it's fear. Maturity is enforcing your boundaries in a healthy way and to give yourself enough time to make the right decision of when to engage in such intimacy, then protect yourself from pregnancy and STD's when the time comes. Never attempting to engage in it because of fear alone is irrational. Self control is about letting it happen after you've given all of these concepts a thought. The amount of time doesn't really matter, as long as you consider everything.

Yes. Anyone who says it's wrong to have sex at all is clearly afraid of intimacy and has a strong negative view about sex. I can only assume due to past negative experiences the person had or religious views condemning the act. I mean, these women have had sex before, right? Why did they stop? Most likely they got so much crap about it that they did a complete 360 and preached to others about how wrong it was to take part in sex. Hence, they have quite the baggage. It's not maturity, it's fear. Maturity is enforcing your boundaries in a healthy way and to give yourself enough time to make the right decision of when to engage in such intimacy, then protect yourself from pregnancy and STD's when the time comes. Never attempting to engage in it because of fear alone is irrational. Self control is about letting it happen after you've given all of these concepts a thought. The amount of time doesn't really matter, as long as you consider everything.

Thank you for your input. I agree with that