Friend making questionable choices

I have this friend who got out of rehab in Jan. She's in a halfway house and working and seems to be doing okay. She doesn't have her kids. She has had some issues with the law. She seems serious about recovery - but - she met this guy in rehab. She has a boyfriend but he is in jail. She says she's just friends with this guy who just got out a couple weeks ago. He doesn't live near her. She said they just talk but she showed me some texts and she's really flirty with him. I feel like she's just really lonely with her bf gone and not having her kids. But she's recently being way too focused on his sobriety and not hers. She found out he was staying with his ex but he lied to her about it at first. She sounds really jealous for someone who isn't dating the guy and I told her that. She said she does like him and that he said he has a crush on her but things are complicated. That he wants to try with his ex again. I don't know. She keeps trying to get him to come to the house where she is but he has repeatedly told her he's getting into this house in another town a few hours away and he is going to stay there. Told her she's getting on his nerves and stuff but they keep talking.

I told her that the only thing she can do is control her life and she needs to focus on her own sobriety and not worry about this other guy - especially when she doesn't have her kids and she's already dating someone else. I know it's ultimately not my fight and I have stepped back but what would you do if it was your friend? She searched him a couple weeks ago claiming she saw him on the news but then found someone had posted about him on a liar/cheater site. And she said that makes her more intrigued because she doesn't believe it and thinks he's a good guy and wants to prove it wrong. I read it and someone wrote that the guy was abusive in the past according to that post, never pays child support, steals, lies, manipulates and cheats. And the boyfriend she is with has been abusive in the past. I suppose there's not much more I can do but it's very concerning to see someone put their own sobriety in jeopardy for someone they barely know and who has been lying to her since he got out of rehab and is sleeping with someone else but stringing her along.

I guess I said what I thought and I'm stepping back. She's not going to listen right now. It's pretty sad though to see someone self-destruct over a random guy and jeopardize so much. Not my monkeys, not my circus.

Sounds like there may be some codependence issues in addition to the addiction.

Be a good/steady friend, let her know you're there for her and gently offer advice when you feel she'll be receptive. Not much more you can do than that.

Both guys sound awful. She should focus on her recovery and kids.

Sorry to hear this. Yep. "Step 13" Find a drinking buddy at AA meetings/rehab.

She seems serious about recovery - but - she met this guy in rehab.

"Not my monkeys, not my circus."

You closed with the best advice any of us could give.

There's a fine line between friend and keeper. I've got a friend who makes some pretty self-destructive decisions. Those decisions don't endanger me in any way and he knows to keep related moaning and groaning out of our friendship. Hence it's easy for me to compartmentalize our friendship in a way that's perhaps not as close as it otherwise could be, but is still fun and purposeful to some degree.

That said, some people are empathic to the extent they simply can't be friends with someone just knowing they're harming themselves. There's nothing wrong with that, but if that's you, it's best to protect yourself and cut such a friendship out of your life before it develops into an emotional cancer.

"Not my monkeys, not my circus."

 

You closed with the best advice any of us could give.

 

There's a fine line between friend and keeper. I've got a friend who makes some pretty self-destructive decisions. Those decisions don't endanger me in any way and he knows to keep related moaning and groaning out of our friendship. Hence it's easy for me to compartmentalize our friendship in a way that's perhaps not as close as it otherwise could be, but still is still fun and purposeful to some degree.

 

That said, some people are empathic to the extent they simply can't be friends with someone just knowing they're harming themselves. There's nothing wrong with that, but if that's you, it's best to protect yourself and cut such a person out of your life before it develops into an emotional cancer.

What do you get out of this friendship? Are most of your friends like this?

What do you get out of this friendship? Are most of your friends like this?

Nah, not at all. My friends are baggage-free. This friend started that way, so maybe it's just that he was grandfathered in. He's a soccer buddy and he's a blast to have a couple brownies and play some PS4 with. I think, in general, guys have friends of hobby / interests rather than more involved emotional bonding, so that might be a factor as well.

Sorry, That was directed at the OP.

What do you get out of this friendship? Are most of your friends like this?

No just this one. I have another friend who is married to an alcoholic who has just gone to rehab again and then he apparently drank so much he had a seizure and got hospitalized. That's the friend who disowned me because I told him off. I did message her and said I hope things work out for her family and sorry she has to go through this and for the things that have happened.

She's someone I've known since college and we kind of grew apart after I went in the military and that's when she got into drugs and all this other stuff. We aren't as close as back then. It's just disheartening to see people put someone else before their kids or themselves especially a friend.

These are the choices that she is making. I can understand your frustration, but there is nothing that you can do.

What did the bf do to end up in jail?

[REMOVED. Holly set me up.]

That's right!!!!!!!!!

These are the choices that she is making. I can understand your frustration, but there is nothing that you can do.

 

What did the bf do to end up in jail?

She won't tell me. I couldn't find anything when I searched his name. Not that was recent. In 2013 I think he got arrested for evading the police, meth, and a whole laundry list of things. I searched in Vinelink and he is in custody but it said "transferred" from county jail and current location unknown. So I assume he's going to state prison. So that means at least a felony if he's going there.

We kind of just reconnected around that time a few years ago talking a lot more. It's hard to keep in touch with some people when you're in the military.

I would reconsider your choices in friends. She sounds like a mess, and surrounds her self with some awful people. How can you relate?

What do you get out of this, other than being her unpaid counselor? I would bet the convos are all about her problems.

I would reconsider your choices in friends. She sounds like a mess, and surrounds her self with some awful people. How can you relate?

 

What do you get out of this, other than being her unpaid counselor? I would bet the convos are all about her problems.

Sometimes. I guess I just am a loyal person but I have been stepping back and I'll deflect any conversation from this guy and then a couple days ago I said that if all she's going to do is obsess over this random guy when she has so many bigger issues in her life and he has made it clear he won't come to where she is that I don't want to hear it. That if she wants to talk about her progress or her kids that's fine. But if she is just going to continue to be obsessive and work her way to another potentially abusive relationship I can't be her friend. I won't watch her destroy herself because, ultimately, she's gonna relapse if she keeps this crap up and not focusing on herself. She hasn't talked to me since then. Which is her choice. That's fine.

I was in an abusive relationship and at times before I had our daughter I would put him ahead of everything. I don't know what it's like to be a drug addict and I don't plan on ever finding out. But I know what it's like to be a loved one of an addict and tried to help her see how that affected everyone around her. And maybe be a voice of reason about avoiding abuse. But apparently some women can't break that cycle. It's very hard for me to just give up on people I suppose.

I think you got your answer: she is using you as a sounding board.

It one thing to be a good friend, but you also have to remember that she has chosen to make a lot of poor choices - continues to do so.

I suggest you look into co dependence. This woman is not a positive in your life, as she does not seem to be doing what is necessary.

Those poor kids.

I know it's ultimately not my fight and I have stepped back but what would you do if it was your friend?

I'd tell friend, "I adore you, and I'm in your corner. To me, that means we can talk about anything in the world except for your focus on guys. You can bring that stuff to your counselor, who's trained to help you deal with it. I support your sobriety, and part of that means not involving yourself in a romantic relationship for at least a year. If you want to break that rule, I want no part of it. I'll to support your focus where it needs to be, and you can count on me to help you with anything that's constructive to building a healthy future."

Then stick to your own rule, and gently remind her that you won't 'go there' with her if she brings up a dude. She may pull away from you for a time, and that's fine. You've made it clear that you're available to support any focus that's healthy, but you won't indulge her in any focus that's not. Period.

Head high, and you're a good friend to have.