How guilty should I feel for my break up?

A while back (August) my now ex partner and I got in a nasty fight that turned physical whilst on a snow trip. She was complaining of a sore ankle after a day on the slopes and worked herself into such a state about it that she refused to come from our room to dinner with the rest of the group. I instead had to serve her dinner in bed. Eventually annoyed at her behaviour I tried to leave and go and join the rest of the group but was met with insults and made to feel guilty for leaving so I stayed with her. However, the fight just got worse and turned nasty as we both devolved to insults and as tempers flared I got in her face to challenge her to repeat one of her more nasty insults. Somewhere in this exchange she punched me in the face and I reacted by grabbing her sore ankle. She was reduced to some form of panic attack so I got her some ice and water and sat at the other end of the room. From there things cooled down and eventually we went to bed together talked things out and all seemed forgiven.

Nothing more was ever said about the fight and our relationship continued as normal after that.

Around 6 weeks later, right before my birthday, during an innocuous petty argument she suddenly said she no longer wanted to continue the relationship. We spent the next few days together talking things out and essentially her reasoning boiled down to that one nasty fight as the sole reason she wanted to end things. She claimed to be struggling to deal with it as it weighed on her mind during other arguments etc and she claimed it had affected her significantly, resulting in nightmares and flashbacks. She even went as far as to say that she wouldn't change anything about us other than that one fight and the whole ordeal was very back and forth as to whether she wanted to stay or leave. She seemed genuinely confused and distraught about the prospect of us ending.

We left things on the premise of us taking some time a part to work things out. However I felt her became colder and distant over the next few weeks and communication came to an almost complete stop.

It was after this that I discovered that she was back with her ex, she had gotten back with him almost immediately and was in the process of moving in with him and as it turns out, had been talking to him and seeing him behind my back for a short time after our fight. Her attitude towards me was suddenly one of anger and hatred with claims that I was an abuser and she was afraid of me and false accusations being levelled against me. She had told other people that I pinned her by the throat, but admits to me she knows it's not true. Despite that, she refuses to admit to others that it's not true. She also seems to completely discount her hitting me as a relevant factor and has taken little responsibility for it.

Despite all of this, she maintains that she contacted her ex desperately seeking help after the fight and he was there to support her and somewhere in the process she fell back in love with him, but that she never would have contacted him or thought of leaving me if I hadn't been aggressive toward during the fight.

And this is where Im stuck. I feel extremely guilty for my actions that night and now I am having a very hard time letting go and moving forward because I feel responsible for everything that has happened and am stuck in a cycle of blaming myself for the breakup. I feel as though my actions during the fight led to or even caused her subsequent actions and it may not have happened had I just kept my cool. I even wonder whether my actions were so bad that what she's done is an equal and just response and possibly what I deserve.

Those close to me seem to think that she's the bad guy and that what she's done was inevitable regardless of anything I did but I can't seem to see it.

What do you guys think? Am I to blame for bringing this on myself? Are her actions an appropriate response or are they wrong? What would constitute an appropriate response to the situation?

As a side note, the only other time I've done anything remotely similar was to push her off me while she was attempting to drag me down a hallway after repeatedly asking her to let go. She still held that against me as though I'd been the aggressive one. She however has lashed out at me physically a few times. She apologised at the time but now she uses those instances as evidence of why she was right to leave me, claiming i made her act that way because I brought it out of her.

Also, the ex now bf again is not a guy from the past with whom she was friendly. They ended on extremely bad terms and she was with me within a week or two of breaking up with him because she claimed to have realised she didn't love him but had been harbouring deeper feelings for me from a previous encounter. A lot of our time was spent with her talking about how much she hated him and was glad to be rid of him and how much more she loved me. Now im the guy she hates and is glad to be rid of and apparently she's always just loved him more, go figure.

Quite a tale I know, but....help?

It happened and though you behaved very poorly, you need to let it go and move on. You did the right thing breaking up.

As a side note. Don't ever put your hands on a woman again. If one hits you, walk out the door.

This sounds like a toxic relationship, with both of you contributing some really negative stuff. Quite apart from the fighting, you sound very dismissive of her ankle injury and then got angry about having to take care of her... this would have had me questioning the relationship, regardless of anything else.

That said, you were not responsible for everything that happened that night and since. You were responsible for everything you said or did, and she was responsible for everything she said or did. There's no point in feeling guilty about it, but if you are to avoid this kind of scenario in the future you need to take an honest look at yourself, what you expect to give in a relationship, and whether you are there for the other person in any kind of meaningful sense. (Hint... if someone's got an injury, at least pretend to care!)

She clearly has her own issues, but you can leave those behind - she's not part of your life any more.

Abusers are often dismissive of the damage they have done other people, or feel victimised themselves, and now would be a good time to move beyond all this. Hopefully, you won't have another relationship like this in the future.

Sorry I should explain

Sorry perhaps I wasn't clear about the situation in terms of her injury. I wasn't dismissiiveof it and I spent considerable time tending to her as a result and helping any way I could. My frustration stemmed from the fact that she went from being able to snowboard and walk on the ankle with some minor pain, to suddenly not being able to move at all even with my assistance when it came time to join my family for dinner. And then further becaus I was made to feel guilty for wanting to go and finish my own dinner after I'd set her up with everything she needed. Don't get me wrong, ad fights between us were pretty rare and mostly we were very caring and affectionate. Hence my shock at how things turned out

I didn't say I was dismissive of the injury, I actually spent hours tending to her because of it. Frustrated only because the ankle wasn't so sore that she couldn't snowboard, but then suddenly was too sore to walk with my assistance to dinner and then because I was made to feel guilty for wanting to go and finish my own dinner which I'd left half eaten in the restaurant while I was making sure she had what she needed. Don't get me wrong, I was never at any point uncaring about her i jusru or what she felt, and instances of bad fights between us were very rare. The relationship was mostly based around a deep sense of care and affection. Hence my shock at the way things have gone

You really shouldn't judge one's pain. Often sprains get worse as time goes on, especially after removing things like a boot that was helping to stabilize as well as keep swelling at bay. I'm a long time hockey player and when you take a puck to the foot you are better to leave your skate on and finish the game because the pressure of the tightness of the skate keeps the swelling on hold. Once the skate is off, the swelling explodes and the pain sets in. I would imagine thats what she experienced.

Made to feel guilty or not, you responded with a bit of immaturity because you felt you weren't getting your way.

But that is neither here nor there now. The breakup happened, nothing to feel guilty about.

You really shouldn't judge one's pain. Often sprains get worse as time goes on, especially after removing things like a boot that was helping to stabilize as well as keep swelling at bay. I'm a long time hockey player and when you take a puck to the foot you are better to leave your skate on and finish the game because the pressure of the tightness of the skate keeps the swelling on hold. Once the skate is off, the swelling explodes and the pain sets in. I would imagine thats what she experienced.

 

Made to feel guilty or not, you responded with a bit of immaturity because you felt you weren't getting your way.

Quite!!! Speaking as someone who's had knee surgery, sprains to both ankles and a broken foot, I know only too well what it's like to be OK-ish one minute and literally not being able to walk the next. As I said earlier, your response would have made me question the relationship.

Quite!!! Speaking as someone who's had knee surgery, sprains to both ankles and a broken foot, I know only too well what it's like to be OK-ish one minute and literally not being able to walk the next. As I said earlier, your response would have made me question the relationship.

And as I mentioned I spent most of my time happily tending to her in that regard, including having a physio come and check it out. And she has subsequently admitted that her reaction wasn't really about pain but some anxiety she'd let build up. Again, my frustration didn't stem from her being injured or in pain but from the fact I felt my efforts to help were met with a bit of hostility to the point that I was being accused of something for wanting to finish my own half eaten dinner.

In any case though I fear my point may have been somewhat missed. I'm not necessarily asking whether I should feel guilty about my actions that night. Obviously I feel terrible about it and I wish I'd been the bigger person and not gotten frustrated. My question really was more around whether I should feel like my actions caused her to cheat and then restablish a relationship with her ex and whether such a response was warranted from her or the right way to handle the situation

My question really was more around whether I should feel like my actions caused her to cheat and then restablish a relationship with her ex and whether such a response was warranted from her or the right way to handle the situation

As I said before, you are responsible for your words and actions, and she is responsible for hers. Your actions did not cause her to cheat, or reconnect with her ex. If she wanted an "out" from the relationship with you, this was her way of doing it.

It also seems as though she needs someone in her life to fulfil the role of hated bogeyman. It used to be her ex, and now it's you. That's her stuff, not yours.

Some people are unable to be on their own, and leap from one relationship to another with no pause for reflection between; unfortunately this means that they will continue to carry an ever-increasing heap of baggage with them, and their issues don't get resolved. In her case, it means that her relationships will get increasingly toxic unless she recognises the problem within herself and deals with it. Again, that's her stuff.

You were both equally responsible for the events of that night, and pinning the blame on either one of you isn't helpful. However, you are in a position to decide whether you could have handled the situation better (regardless of her responses) and not got hooked into an escalating conflict which ended in violence.

If you don't engage with someone else's bad behaviour, it leaves all the guilt, shame, regret etc exactly where it belongs - with them. This is not at all the same as stonewalling and sulking, and you can remain respectful without getting sucked in. As a way of keeping your dignity and walking away with your head held high, it's completely unbeatable.

PS. Since your thread title is how guilty you should feel, it seems that you might find it helpful to explore the notion of boundaries in relationships; there's loads of online stuff, but here's one for starters: /

Regardless of who was at fault, it boils down to one thing. You and this woman cannot handle any sort of conflict or bad times without it devolving into shouting and physical. She should not have hit you, you should not have grabbed her sore ankle. Honestly, when someone is in that much pain or says they are, then it's time to tell them to get up and you both go to the ER. Period. End of story. Or call an ambulance if they won't go. (I've had to do the latter with a boyfriend who wanted me to lift him into bed after hurting his back, nuh-uh, no way he wasn't getting that treated. Turned out he'd nearly severed a vertebrae!)

But the fact is you two sound like you bring out the worst in each other, which is very, very bad and very, very toxic. It's time to end things, block and delete her, and reexamine how you handle conflicts and frustrations AND more importantly what you do when someone else doesn't. I do get the whole thing of why it happened, but this is one of those life lessons where hopefully you'll learn no matter how much a person in pain insists they not go to the doctor, you simply insist they do. And leave the physical out of it.

Also I'm going to tell you the same thing I tell anyone who has had a partner hit them - leave and don't look back. It's done once they lay a hand on you. It will happen again. Drop this one like there's no tomorrow, use the whole thing to better yourself, don't look back.

And as I mentioned I spent most of my time happily tending to her in that regard, including having a physio come and check it out. And she has subsequently admitted that her reaction wasn't really about pain but some anxiety she'd let build up. Again, my frustration didn't stem from her being injured or in pain but from the fact I felt my efforts to help were met with a bit of hostility to the point that I was being accused of something for wanting to finish my own half eaten dinner.

 

In any case though I fear my point may have been somewhat missed. I'm not necessarily asking whether I should feel guilty about my actions that night. Obviously I feel terrible about it and I wish I'd been the bigger person and not gotten frustrated. My question really was more around whether I should feel like my actions caused her to cheat and then restablish a relationship with her ex and whether such a response was warranted from her or the right way to handle the situation

To answer your question, you don't have the power to cause someone to cheat. Period. This girl was and is damaged goods and your relationship was toxic. You should have dumped her when she punched you in the nose. That was the moment she went from emotional drama to physical abuse. When someone hits you, you walk away and keep walking for good. No looking back no excusing the behavior, just dump them right there and then. Her using that fight and turning it on you and making you the bad guy is a very typical "nice" touch of mentally sick abusive people. Before you jump in with but she is really nice and normal most of the time, yup that's exactly how it works. Crazy people are not crazy 100% of the time, only some of the time. Regardless, when that some of the time happens, you see it and you walk.

You cant cause anyone to lay down, drop their drawers, open their legs and allow a penis to enter them. Those were her decisions.

Don't feel overly guilty. I dont feel this was the sole reason for the BU.. but one she used against you.

As mentioned.. next time you get heated up.. walk!

They ended on extremely bad terms and she was with me within a week or two of breaking up with him because she claimed to have realised she didn't love him but had been harbouring deeper feelings for me from a previous encounter.

- IMO.... you were rebound material and she has No clue as to what she wants.

She is messed up mentally & emotionally and is best for you to remain apart from her. She has nothing to give anyways.

Yes, you two said and did some things you may now regret.. but for reasons. Now, work on accepting the BU.. work on your healing from this.. and leave her to live her life.. her way. ( without you).

Did you assault her before or after "she was complaining of a sore ankle"? Wow poor you couldn't party because she was laid up with an injury?

Sorry, being physically abusive is wrong. She was smart to end it.

I got in a nasty fight that turned physical whilst on a snow trip. she suddenly said she no longer wanted to continue the relationship.

Did you assault her before or after "she was complaining of a sore ankle"? Wow poor you couldn't party because she was laid up with an injury?

 

Sorry, being physically abusive is wrong. She was smart to end it.

No, I "assaulted" her after she hit me. And I wasn't trying to go and party,I was trying to convince her to try and come to the dinner my siblings and their partners and I were treating my parents to as a thank you for the holiday they had taken us on.

BOTH of you were at fault and it seems you both have no idea how to handle conflict. That is a major issue and if you can't resolve that, then there is no hope for a strong relationship (imo). That said, it's a good thing you have broken up. Hopefully you can BOTH learn from this and not carry on this behaviour into future relationships.