Need Advice About My Father

I am new here, and posted this under abuse only bc it's a sensitive subject. My dad and I have always had a poor relationship. In high school I found him extremely strict and controlling, an a**hole, seemed to hate me for the most part. But, he also had his supportive and loving moments. Some of these moments would not include him watching lots of porn openly around the house, often at the kitchen table in the open for my brother and I to see. He still does this to this day. Long story short, my father during an extremely difficult time in my life walked out of his room and into the room I was sleeping in and I turned around and he had no underwear on and an erection. He spoke to me and I responded completely weirded out and he turned around and went to bed. I believe now that he was in a daze and not thinking clearly. But at the time it was horrifying to me in my twenties. My husband seems to think this is no excuse for the inappropriateness, he says if his mother or father did this he would expect an apology from one of them or them to address it.

I thought it was strange and running along his usual theme of innapropriateness toward me, it just plain bothered me. I was disgusted and a little mortified. I texted a friend of mine, a guy, the next day and he said he would never repeat it when I asked him not to, he said nobody would ever repeat something like that. That it disturbed him too much. Well, I wound up living at this friend's house, bc my father kicked me out of the house bc he said my anxiety and depression had become too much to deal with. That he had a life to live. I was young and I can't stress enough, I was in no way burdening he or my mother. My brother has always been the burden.

I lived at my friend's house for a year. In that first week that I lived there, I relayed the story to his mother a social worker what happened with my father. Well, within a month of living there I met my friends older brother, and we fell in love and got married two years later. We are married today with one son.

My question is, now with my dad in the role of grandfather and his relationship with me having mended a bit, I am wracked with guilt

every single time I am around him, having told these people what happened between us and about his innapropriateness as a father. He still to this day bothers me in that he still has some of the behaviors, but (and my husband says I have rationalized this) I am wondering if his generally disgusting habits are usual disgusting father stuff.

I feel sick to my stomache every single day that my husbands family knows about my relationship with my dad in my 20's and I believe if my father found out what they know he would probably hit me and never speak to me again. and he would most certainly deny all of it.

My question is, should I feel this guilty? Should I confront my dad about what happened? Or do I just move on and accept his own blame in this narrative. My husband believes I am giving him too much credit and should have moved on years ago. He says his parents knew my dad before and already had formed a negative opinion of him. That I shouldn't feel badly for something he himself did, and he'll never admit to any of it. If anyone has any advice. I would greatly appreciate it. Thank you.

There is no need for you to feel guilty about anything you are not responsible for your father's actions .

Whether or not you should feel guilty is to me beside the point. The point is you are feeling guilty and are having difficult emotions around your relationship with your dad. Those feelings aren't going away just because of anything anyone is going to say here. Confronting your Dad will only make things worse for the both of you, I think its just a bad idea. Like you said you are not going to get from your Dad what you are hoping for and going over what happened and how you subsequently handled it I doubt are going to make things better. In fact I think it will intensify those feelings more than anything. My advice is to go your own way.

OP, I agree with your husband and I would put your father out of my life. He has not changed, he will not own up to what he has done and he is not a person that you want to expose your child to. chi

How often do you see your father? Do you really need to spend time with him?

He is the one that behaved badly, not you, and I wouldnt feel one bit of guilt about telling others. Sometimes things happen that are just too big for you to deal with alone.

In all honesty I would not visit this man at all. Sitting at the kitchen table watching porn is not the ideal situation for your family to be around

Thanks, everyone. I only saw him at holidays before my baby was born. Now I see him more often, and I think the idea of continuing a normal relationship is what has intensified my guilt. We have never had a normal relationship in any way, people who meet him say you would never guess the way he acts towards me that we are related or there's any love there. But, sometimes he plays the part well. And then I feel badly, horrible really. I partly feel disappointment at knowing it's not possible for us to start over, and partly feel empathy for what he would feel if he were to know what I know and shared (I believe there's some mental illness there, also some sick selfishness that allowed the behaviors to continue, but it is 110.% his fault they continued... My husband is less forgiving because he was watching something on his laptop in front of him when we came for dinner once and the headphones slipped out. He was completely offended.) I came here because I have a history of being a bit of a doormat and not sizing up situations accurately (think it's a self esteem issue, I'm sure in part from a lack of love growing up), but in this case I just didn't know what to think. I'll never let him alone with my baby of course, not just due to the past history of behavior around me (he still gives me the once over sometimes or acts like a raging a**hole, and in those moments my guilt fades), but overall his persona has improved and I feel badly for him almost. I am very close with my mother, and I could never tell her either. I came with my son to stay with them for two nights and it just always feels off for me being around him, but I love seeing her. I feel guilt for her not knowing, but as my husband says she played a role in letting your father throw you out when you needed help the most. He says they made their choices and have more than their fair share of responsibility in this and there's no way either of them feel guilty. I guess I just have to resolve to not resolve this.

Please don't leave your children alone with him, even with your mother there. No this was/is not normal whatsoever.

Agree with your husband 100%. Maybe therapy can help you unpack this and prevent your urge to deny it and want to "normalize" it to pretend it's a Hallmark family happy ending.

We are married today with one son. I am wondering if his generally disgusting habits are usual disgusting father stuff.

 

I am giving him too much credit and should have moved on years ago. He says his parents knew my dad before and already had formed a negative opinion of him.

Absolutely ,do not leave your child with him even with your mother there even as Wiseman says. If she didn't defend you she won't defend her child believe me .

My father was abusive to me and I never left my son alone with him without me being there. Ever. He has only ever seen his grandson may be a maximum of 15 times and my son is 19 .

My therapist would describe what your father did as a form of sexual abuse. Exposing children to porn is abuse.

My father used to leave his porn movies out in places and when he told me to clean those rooms I'd find them. THAT felt awkward, so I can only imagine how you must have felt (((hugs))).

The rest of what you've said about your father sounds like mine and he never, nor will he ever, own up to any of his wrong doings. I don't know if it's that their egos couldn't take it or what, but it's a classic sign of an abuser. Not that you need to title him, but it may put it in perspective for you to ease your guilt. You did nothing wrong here.

Be well and take care.

Well, within a month of living there I met my friends older brother, and we fell in love and got married two years later. We are married today with one son.

 

My question is, now with my dad in the role of grandfather and his relationship with me having mended a bit, I am wracked with guilt

every single time I am around him, having told these people what happened between us and about his innapropriateness as a father. He still to this day bothers me in that he still has some of the behaviors, but (and my husband says I have rationalized this) I am wondering if his generally disgusting habits are usual disgusting father stuff.

Your father's behavior was very inappropriate. Be very careful with your child around him. When I was in high school, I had a boyfriend whose father openly watched porn in the house. It was crazy to see. Just stacks of porn videos on either side of the TV. This was normal for my boyfriend. His mom was apparently ok with it.

Years later, his dad molested his little daughter, 4 years old. He was tried and convicted and ended up dying in prison after only a few years there.

It tore the family apart. The mom pretended to support my boyfriend (ex at this point), while secretly trying to convince the little girl to say that she was lying. Really bad scene, layers of bad.

Just be careful.

I honestly would not take my child anywhere near that man. It is making my skin crawl just reading this!!

Is there anyway your mother can come & visit you for a couple of days?

Also listen to your Husband, he is a very wise man. Your parents didnt protect you, they did things that no child should have to live with & live through.

My family is dysfunctional too, to the point now that I have very little contact with my mother. It is honestly so freeing & easier to live my life without her re writing history.

One, you have nothing to feel guilty about. That is not normal and your father acted like and yes to this day acts like a sex offender and two, if you value your child at all you will never leave him alone with him, EVER, not even if your mom is there. And you will give everyone strict instructions that he is never to be allowed to come and pick your children up to any and all schools, daycare centers etc.

There is something mentally very, very wrong with your father. He is not normal and I"m sorry, but you need to stop trying to see him as so, accept that he is potentially dangerous, and keep a very far distance.

And it's good you gave other people a heads up. You've had a number of responses all telling you this guy is not normal, your husband is totally right and hopefully he will also never let your child or any children be alone with your father.

Please OP go talk to a therapist if need be about why you can't just accept your father has serious emotional issues of the abuser kind. Do not ever let your child be alone with him, ever. Your guilt is misplaced and comes from trauma, meaning it's not so much real guilt as it is you trying to hope there is something normal about this guy and taking on a bit of blame that maybe it was you.

It wasn't. This guy is not normal, he's dangerous. Please treat him as such. I would in fact be all in favor if you woke up and told your husband that you were done with the family altogether and just never went back at all, but that's not my choice. But do not subject your child to potential molestation and yes, he has that potential if he hasn't already done it. You need to stop listening to his one lone narrative over all the other people who love you and even strangers on the Internet to see there is zero normal about this man's behavior, regardless of blood relation or not. And your husband is also right that your mom enables this guy's behavior. If someone ever left porn out openly around kids and I was present there would be blood spilled, and the blood would not be mine. Then they'd be packed out the door with a call to the police to watch this one for what they're bound to do in the future.

Your mom, I know you love her, but she's an enabler and equally yes as dangerous in her own way. Blood isn't what defines us, actions are. If you didn't know this guy at all would you ever let him around your kids or family? Would you ever have anything to do with him after seeing his behaviors? If the answer is no then you have your answers.

Stop feeling guilty, sit down with your husband and come up with a safety plan to keep you and your little boy safe, go see a therapist - the right one, who can help. If they tell you what your father did is normal or give you any bullship that it was normal fire that therapist and move on to the next one. I've nearly been molested by a relative when I was a kid. To this day he insists I "mistook" his intentions and the fact you admit your dad would hit you if he knew you told anyone, that right there is a giant red flag. Normal people would feel guilty or mortified, they'd run for the therapist's office if they did that. That you know he'd just devolve into violence is doubly concerning.

You have a good family now. Focus on them and don't let a bad family experience define who you are. We don't get to choose our parents, but we can choose the family we create as adults. So choose well. You can make a difference.