Do I break up with my boyfriend

So I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years and my boyfriend has an insane past, when I say insane he's slept with many girls half he doesn't even remember. However some are related to his friends and will occasionally be around. I've dealt with this with me ex for four years and told my current boyfriend I don't want anything from our pasts in our present or future. I love him very much we always discuss marriage and I know he loves me so much and has never cheated. However I don't want his past in our present or our future but I know it will happen because the girls are either related to his best friend or have relations with his close friends so I know they'll be around once in a while. I don't want to deal with it because it's something I feel strongly about and I have gone above and beyond to make sure nor one from my past is around I have stopped talking to numerous people just so he doesn't seem my past because I know it bothers him even though I never slept with any of them it was just kisses. Now I'm at a point where I'm thinking do I really want this in my future having to constantly see random buddies or random girls he's made out with. Please help what do I do?

I wouldn't just yet.

What I would do though is set BOUNDRIES. Tell him that hanging around Ex's or people he was intimate with is a boundry and considered cheating (to you). Just like he wouldn't want you hanging around your ex, he shouldn't be doing it as well. Even if it means not hanging around his friends. He can pick times to hang with them when those people are not around.

This will require little planning on his part and discipline.

See if he can reach this compromise.

You are smart about not letting past effect your future. Past is irrelevant. Also ask him to respect your and your relationship and not discuss his past sexual experiences with you. NOTHING good can EVER come of it and it will only do harm. Your only past sexual concerns are STDs, nude photos or porn and high level of partners (which you already know about).

Remember, what he tells you and what he actually does going forward are 2 different things. I would suggest you pay attention to his ACTIONS vs his words. And monitor those going forward (assuming he agrees).

Also think about what you will do if he doesn't agree to this. If it's a deal breaker and it's time to end the relationship. To me, it would be. Relationships are ALL about minimizing the risk towards your relationship. Environments you put yourself into, people you surround yourself with etc. Hanging out with Ex = high risk situation. Similar to hanging around single friends or people that have lots of sex /females around etc. Personally, I simply cannot be friends with people like that.

Nothing to do with strong will, EVERYTHING to do with nature. YOU BECOME WHO YOU ARE AROUND. No matter how smart/strong one might be.

Good luck

Agree... just discuss boundaries and your expectations of what an exclusive relationship is. Keeping silent will just build resentment.

Everyone has to deal with this dynamic in a way that works for their particular situation. Based on the following assumptions that I make:

- you two are relatively young

- your social life often happens in groups, and the planning is fluid

If the foregoing is true, I suggest you focus on

- your boyfriend's behavior with you and with others. Is it respectful? Does he have self-respect and self-control? Is he a people pleaser?

- If your bf is good at doing what HE wants to do without concern for the affirmation or admiration of others, AND he is respectful to you, then you have nothing to worry about. If he needs the approval of others, then he may be influenced by those around him and he isn't good relationship material.

- your own thoughts. women he has been with in the past are IN THE PAST. He didn't stay with them. He stayed with you. Dismiss them. Neither elevate them to friend level (but keep them friendly), nor attribute enough value to them such that they need to be enemies. They are simply extra humans in a loose group of friends.

Are you ignoring any inner voices telling you to beware?

I am very confused by this post!

Why has it taken 3 years to think about this? If you have been happily connected for 3 years, know for sure he has never cheated on you then I fail to see why suddenly it's an issue?

I think I need more detail...

you said he had a wild past, so ball park of how many people did he do stuff with?

and by keeping the past in the past, what does that exactly mean?

like is he texting them' talking to them still

or is it just seeing them out?

I don't think you should break up with your boyfriend. I would actually recommend you get into therapy to address your insecurities, lack of trust in both yourself and others, and you work through what happened to you in the past and how it's influencing you in the present.

And I'm not trying to guilt you, but the level of insecurity and trying to erase the past is one that most relationships will collapse under sooner or later. It's not fair to your boyfriend to hold him in comparison to your ex, which is what you're doing, and your fear of the past--his and yours--also doesn't take into account the present and future for both of you. Because there will always be temptations and people who want to mess up others relationships just for fun. That's just life.

But if as a couple you have great boundaries AND you're both secure that you want to be with each other more than you do exploring options with others it's not a problem when someone, either from your past or present, pops up as a potential problem to your relationship.

So I'm urging therapy as the better solution, to learn to trust yourself first and foremost, and to let go of the past to see only what is in the present and the future. Otherwise I fear you're going to have a very rough time in any relationship no matter who you're with. And to continue to be a bit of a slave to people's pasts, because that's a bell no one can ring.

It's been three years, if all the fault you can find in the guy is he slept with women before you, no matter how many women that was, then I think the problem isn't him but you. A guy who is a virgin with no past is just as likely to cheat on you in the future as the guy who slept with a lot of women. And as I tell everyone, man or woman, holding yourself up to be somehow superior because you didn't have as much sex as someone else is an attitude that is damaging to both you and your partner. It's not a contest, and both of you end up in the same place regardless.

And hopefully that place is happy you are together and found each other and that it's the future and present you're both working on, the past is gone and dead. And that's the attitude you need to have in any relationship and that's why I recommend therapy first to see if you can't get a better handle on things than the one you have. I would be exhausted mentally and emotionally and it's not healthy for you or any partner you have to be putting that kind of mental energy into something you simply cannot and should not be trying to control.

So I wish you the best, but take a look at the guy in front of you, who is with you now, and put his past up on the shelf or address in therapy why you can't.

I think it's really unhealthy to think you can control who your boyfriend comes into contact with.

And you cannot erase the past.

Have you stopped talking to friends in order to fuel this avoidance? That also seems unhealthy.

I think you either need to get past this or date someone whose experience isn't threatening to you. But doing the latter would just seem like more avoidance to me.

It's always been an issue but he never really cared about it but if I was the one hanging around these people he would be very annoyed

It's always been an issue but he never really cared about it but if I was the one hanging around these people he would be very annoyed

has he ever gotten annoyed?

and if its always been an issue, idk why you would stay with him if he isn't what you are looking for

but like I asked before, how often is he hanging out with these people

Thank you for your reply, I'm not insecure or jealous I've been fine with it but now we're discussing marriage and furthering our relationship I don't see why I need to still see these girls around I don't want to be 5 years into a marriage and celebrating a momentous occasion and one of his friends decides to

Bring one of the girls along that's my only issue I've been friendly to them but I wouldn't want that in my future.

Thank you for your reply, I'm not insecure or jealous I've been fine with it but now we're discussing marriage and furthering our relationship I don't see why I need to still see these girls around I don't want to be 5 years into a marriage and celebrating a momentous occasion and one of his friends decides toBring one of the girls along that's my only issue I've been friendly to them but I wouldn't want that in my future.

that's a insecure statement

Discuss your true feelings about this. Unless you want them all at your wedding on his guest list Either you feel close enough to be honest or this relationship needs more work before talking about marriage.

Ok thanks for your comments

Hahaha exactly thank you for your help I will definitely discuss its easy for people to judge when they're not in this situation. Thank you for your kind words.

Thank you for your reply, I'm not insecure or jealous I've been fine with it but now we're discussing marriage and furthering our relationship I don't see why I need to still see these girls around I don't want to be 5 years into a marriage and celebrating a momentous occasion and one of his friends decides to

Bring one of the girls along that's my only issue I've been friendly to them but I wouldn't want that in my future.

I sort of think it's unfair for you to suddenly want to change who interacts with him now that you plan to marry. If it wasn't something you thought you could live with, you shouldn't have dated him for three years.

Hahaha exactly thank you for your help I will definitely discuss its easy for people to judge when they're not in this situation. Thank you for your kind words.

most of us have been in that situation. You are judging also.

Hahaha exactly thank you for your help I will definitely discuss its easy for people to judge when they're not in this situation. Thank you for your kind words.

You came to a public forum seeking advice. If you were only posting hoping for people to share the same opinion as you then why other?

People are judging the situation you described , some replies will have some bias based on their own experiences, either in favour or against. Others neutral.

It's up to you to bear an open mind to all replies that people have taken time out to write.

You are a divorce waiting to happen if you think you can dictate who your partner can and can't see just because you have a marraige certificate.

You definitely should not get married until you sort out your insecurities.

It sounds like you think these girls are more of a threat to you if your partner is your husband rather than boyfriend.

Do you want to marry a man who had sex so many times he doesn't remember and the past sex partners are constantly in your life? You cannot have two different standards - one for someone you date, and one for someone you marry. If you decide that you can't escape his past and it is an issue for you - its best to break up, because it will keep coming up and it will be unfair for you to have accepted his past, and then throw it in his face later.

Thank you for your reply, I'm not insecure or jealous I've been fine with it but now we're discussing marriage and furthering our relationship I don't see why I need to still see these girls around I don't want to be 5 years into a marriage and celebrating a momentous occasion and one of his friends decides to

Bring one of the girls along that's my only issue I've been friendly to them but I wouldn't want that in my future.

How do you plan to tell your bf's friends who they can bring places?