Boyfriends old best friend(a girl) called him crying

Girls seem to gravitate to my boyfriend. He listens and is such a genuinely nice guy so I get it, it's why I wanted to be with him.

He's going far away to his home town in a few months for ten days to visit all his highschool friends. I can't go because I'm too busy running and building my relatively new business. I was pretty upset about it at first because we had a incident with a co worker of his(a girl) giving him a shoulder massage when we were all out on a Saturday night. So I'm worried if I'm not there that girls are going to go after him, I know he wouldn't cheat but it still bothers me.

So this girl that he was best friends with in highschool calls him last night crying about something. He shut the convo down before he could find out what was wrong. He just told her that he was out and couldn't talk. But he said her boyfriend probably broke up with her. He said she always texts him or calls him when bad things happen.

So now I'm thinking great, he's going to be going to hang out with her in a couple months.

I didn't talk about it with him really because I'm not sure what to think at this point.

I know he wouldn't cheat but it still bothers me.

Okay. So then why does it bother you if you trust him? What is it that you're afraid of?

Okay. So then why does it bother you if you trust him? What is it that you're afraid of?

It bothers me that they could be trying to start something.

Why do women always blame the other females, and not realize that their man lacks boundaries? Women flock to him because he indulges them and doesn't stop them from going too far. A man with boundaries would've told the co-worker, "Sorry, but only my girlfriend is allowed to touch this hot bod." He might make a joke of it, but would definitely have stopped the action. Most couples have relationship rules they are both comfortable with. Either a couple decides they are okay with the other having close/best friends of the opposite sex or they are not okay with it. Choose someone who is on the same page as you. When I started dating my husband, if he told me he had a close female friend who he hung out with and spoke on the phone daily with, it would've been our last date. Male/female close friendships have a different dynamic, and I'm not comfortable with that. I chose to be with a guy who matches my ideas in that area.

If you haven't discussed the boundaries you're comfortable with, do so now. If you two disagree, maybe it's time to bail since you're not compatible.

Why do women always blame the other females, and not realize that their man lacks boundaries? Women flock to him because he indulges them and doesn't stop them from going too far. A man with boundaries would've told the co-worker, "Sorry, but only my girlfriend is allowed to touch this hot bod." He might make a joke of it, but would definitely have stopped the action. Most couples have relationship rules they are both comfortable with. Either a couple decides they are okay with the other having close/best friends of the opposite sex or they are not okay with it. Choose someone who is on the same page as you. When I started dating my husband, if he told me he had a close female friend who he hung out with and spoke on the phone daily with, it would've been our last date. Male/female close friendships have a different dynamic, and I'm not comfortable with that. I chose to be with a guy who matches my ideas in that area.

 

If you haven't discussed the boundaries you're comfortable with, do so now. If you two disagree, maybe it's time to bail since you're not compatible.

Brilliant post. I totally agree.

Brilliant post. I totally agree.

Seconded. I've got no love for those [knowingly] chasing taken men/women, but ultimately the responsibility for the relationship falls on the actual partner. If you can't trust him with that responsibility, it's time to skedaddle.

I've got to totally disagree here. If I was to get in a relationship where some chick tried to tell me I couldn't remain friends w/ a female I was friends with before we got together. I'd laugh myself fight on out the door. To my way of thinking trying to tell your SO who they can and can't be friends with is 1- controlling and 2- very immature and childish and shows just how insecure you really are.

So I'm worried if I'm not there that girls are going to go after him, I know he wouldn't cheat but it still bothers me.

You are thinking about this the wrong way. If your boyfriend is an adult, then he has control of the situation unless these women are holding a pistol to his head. He needs to stand up for himself or he's a goner.

now I'm thinking great, he's going to be going to hang out with her in a couple months.

A couple months is excessive. He is not her emotional tampon. She has other friends who can help support her instead of fully relying on your boyfriend.

Time to have a chat about relationship boundaries with him. If he isn't going to maintain them then you need to cut him loose since he's unwilling to respect his relationship with you.

This is all him.

I'M with you Capptrae.

Geeze, EVERYTHING is "infidelity" in certain parts.......

I've got to totally disagree here. If I was to get in a relationship where some chick tried to tell me I couldn't remain friends w/ a female I was friends with before we got together. I'd laugh myself fight on out the door. To my way of thinking trying to tell your SO who they can and can't be friends with is 1- controlling and 2- very immature and childish and shows just how insecure you really are.

Agree.

I don't have to like everything my SO does. I do need to feel like he can manage his boundaries, and if not, accept that I can't do that for him (and move on).

I've got to totally disagree here. If I was to get in a relationship where some chick tried to tell me I couldn't remain friends w/ a female I was friends with before we got together. I'd laugh myself fight on out the door. To my way of thinking trying to tell your SO who they can and can't be friends with is 1- controlling and 2- very immature and childish and shows just how insecure you really are.

I have to agree with this

"To my way of thinking trying to tell your SO who they can and can't be friends with is 1- controlling and 2- very immature and childish and shows just how insecure you really are."

Yes, controlling and childish.

But you see, J-Man (and I am picking up on this not just on this thread but in general) that one must WATCH one's spouse/partner every second of the day, and god forbid s/he might even LOOK the side of the road where a member of the opposite sex is passing by.

It would be a brave man who would tell ME with whom I can or cannot talk or meet.

A spouse or partner is NOT a possession.

He did the right thing. He seems to handle it well.

Girls seem to gravitate to my boyfriend. So this girl that he was best friends with in highschool calls him last night crying about something. He shut the convo down before he could find out what was wrong. He just told her that he was out and couldn't talk.

Attacking one's preferences and comfort level as childish and controlling is being really judgmental. The point is to choose a person who matches the way you like to be in a relationship. If a guy has a female best friend, then he will have to choose a partner who accepts this. If a person prefers their partner not have a best friend of the opposite sex, then they should choose a partner who agrees.

My dad didn't have a best friend named Sue who he went out bowling with or to the movies. None of my friends, who are in a serious relationship, have a best friend of the opposite sex. It's not an uncommon thing that a person is uncomfortable with those types of close friendships. As for me, it has nothing to do with trust. When I got married, I expected to be my partner's lover, closest and most intimate confidante, and priority. I don't want him pouring intense emotional energy into another woman that a best friend requires, even if she looks like an ogre. It's just a different dynamic I'm not comfortable with.

Others are okay with that, and I don't go around telling them they are wrong and misguided and inappropriate. Everyone has comfort or discomfort levels in dating such as age differences, sticking with people of the same culture or not, and considering a person's financial means, etc. It has nothing to do with right or wrong. It has to do with preferences and finding someone on the same page.

Yes, the issue is really about the bf.

Why do women always blame the other females, and not realize that their man lacks boundaries?

It bothers me that they could be trying to start something.

 

You've contradicted yourself. How can you say you know he wouldn't cheat, but they could be trying to start something?

Either you trust him or you don't.

Perhaps you are incompatible in how you view friendships outside of the relationship. In that case, you can't change him; you can only change the situation, which would mean ending it.

Indeed, Bullet.

"It bothers me that they could be trying to start something.

Wonder what "start something" means.

Andrina, dear girl

"When I got married, I expected to be my partner's lover, closest and most intimate confidante, and priority. "

So did I!

But, I didn't acquire a "possession" like a horse or dog who needs to be whipped into line.

And no matter how you paint it CONTROLLING is pathological. Controllers in a relationship or anywhere else are bad news.

Controlling is using emotional blackmail, physical abuse, and cajoling. None of that exists when a couple mutually agrees how they want to behave in a relationship. Treating a person like a possession runs along a similar vein. When two people agree, there is no eagle eye going on or checking up on each other. Just because your ideas are different than others, doesn't mean the majority of people, in my environment of friends and relatives anyway, are controlling possessive maniacs. That's a very general term to label a huge population with. That's the last I'll say on the matter in this post.

From what I read on this thread the main point being made is that you need to be on the same page as someone and have the same boundaries when it comes to such matters, not about controlling who someone can or can't be friends with.

You got the wrong end of the stick Andrina.

I fully agree (and it is what I said) that controlling is all those things you say.

That said, at NO POINT did I say (did I?) that

"That's a very general term to label a huge population with."

So, please, do not twist my words. I do not like that.