Is he really just too busy and tired? Pushing me away again?

This is my first post. Thanks in advance for your advice. I have a therapist, but he's out of town for 2 weeks. Needing perspective.

I'd been dating a man for 8 months, and I broke up with him at the end of October last year. I did it because he admitted that he had an unhealthy obsession with his ex-wife who he'd recently started seeing more at kids' functions. They became more and more friendly. My therapist agreed it was a red flag. I won't get into the details, which trust me got bordering on pathological - it definitely wasn't good for me, and he knew it. He'd stopped saying he loved me...he would get cold/distant, texts would slow... He admitted he was pushing me away. So despite really caring about him and wishing and hoping he'd get his head screwed on straight, I finally broke up with him. Please understand my friends thought I was crazy for not being furious with him and wanted to punch him out. But with my therapist's help, I saw this wasn't really about me. Old stuff for him was bubbling up which had nothing to do with me, and to think otherwise is kinda narcisstic. He said I had every right to be mad, though. Just don't take it personally. Ok. I'm divorced, too, and it's tough to get over the rejection and loss (his ex divorced him; he didn't want it at all). But for all my empathy, I can't accept crumbs. Therapist agreed.

The next four months were hard. I was in serious mourning at times, lots of loneliness, broken dreams with this guy (who was great for the first six months.) After the breakup, be would text me every 2 weeks or so to reach out, saying he missed me, "not enough had changed though" and I deserved better, but can we be friends?

I loved hearing from him, but I was always on message: call me when you're really over your ex. (Maybe I'll be available). I can't be friends, too painful.

Summarizing some things, but basically he finally sent me a long email about how he'd gotten his head screwed on straight. Could we talk?

So I finally agreed to see him and talk last weekend. We talked for about 12 hours over 2 days. Shared everything. He told me he loved me.

Soooo...we slept together. I texted him thanks that morning (this past Monday) for a favor he did for me before he left...then he didn't text me for 3 days! I was super hurt. He wasn't doing that when we first dated back about a year ago. I finally broke down Thursday night and just said a quick basically "no text back yet?"

He apologized/ so busy at work. (In my head, "ok fine, annoying, but whatever, he is a busy man..."). Then asked me come over Friday night for a glass of wine. He cancelled last minute! Like the exact last minute. All showered, hair blow dried, primped. Too tired, he said. "It would be nice to see you, but I won't be good company. Tomorrow?" Nice to see me? Nice? Too tired for one glass of wine? I was crushed. Yeah yeah, granted he has a very demanding new job (70 hrs/week or so), not to mention being a single dad. And he did suggest Saturday night instead, but ugh.

I'm wondering...can a man really be too busy for a brief text check-in over 3 days? Really that hard? Too tired to meet for 30 min for a glass of wine? Or is he pushing me away again? I sense it, but my intuition has been wrong before. Should I tell him I'm hurt? Things are so delicate right now...I don't want to overreact. Am I being hypersensitive due to our history?

Thanks!!!!

After 70 hr week I think he would be too tired to be into it. My question is why would you have sex with him before he had fully committed to you and shown you in actions that he valued you for more then that?

You were so strong in leaving him because he wasn't valuing you but then you let down your guard and he swooped in. Now, it may not mean that he is distancing himself at all but because you rushed the sexual intimacy, you now are feeling undervalued because he's not all over you like white on rice. I think you would be less likely to have these fears over a cancellation if you had taken your time to figure out his intentions. At least I know I would have had less fears if I was in the same scenario.

My concern isn't with his lack of texting or him being exhausted that night. It's that your first time together after reconciling ended with you two sleeping with each other and that you're about to go for the sequel tonight ("come over for a glass of wine" ain't exactly cryptic code). I think if either of you were serious about working things out this time around, you'd be taking things much slower and easing back into the routine.

Mm yes. Thanks, I agree. I wish I had taken it slower. I feel super vulnerable now. He said he loved me; he said I'm the one for him, wants a future with me, did a couple of sweet favors, but it was rushed. Makes sense I feel all discombobulated now. Ergh. What to do now given my misstep? Thanks so much.

He rescheduled for the next day so he should be more rested. Ask him if he's up for a night out doing something low key rather then just getting together in the bedroom. Don't get disappointed if he says no, just book something outside of the bedroom for the next time and see how things progress while you keep your heart off your sleeve. You know what's up and you've honed some good boundaries since the last time so you can end it if you see the same pattern developing.

... Just continue being that confident chick with a good sense of what is and isn't in HER best interests.

Put something like this into your own words. "I'd really like to give it another shot, but I'd also like to go a little slower. Would it be OK if we stuck with formal date nights and held off on sex until we've worked our way back into it?"

You shouldn't have to go into detail on your emotions or how vulnerable and discombobulated you feel. He should understand full well why you'd like to take it slow. If his answer to any of that question is "no," then I'd consider this goose sufficiently cooked.

I'm sorry but if you value someone in your life, you most certainly don't ignore them for three days after they texted you (especially just after you kinda resumed a relationship that you f***ed up in the first place). There's no such thing as too busy to respond to a text, that's the excuse you give to someone you don't want to talk to.

I'm sorry but if you value someone in your life, you most certainly don't ignore them for three days after they texted you (especially just after you kinda resumed a relationship that you f***ed up in the first place). There's no such thing as too busy to respond to a text, that's the excuse you give to someone you don't want to talk to.

Exactly my opinion, too. We're only too busy when we don't want to talk to someone.

Well that could be but I know I didn't phone my then boyfriend back for a few days because I was busy and we've now been married for 30 plus years. Things are not always so absolute. Op: You're smart enough to know when to scoot, me thinks.

He said I had every right to be mad, though. Just don't take it personally. Ok. I'm divorced, too, and it's tough to get over the rejection and loss (his ex divorced him; he didn't want it at all). But for all my empathy, I can't accept crumbs. Therapist agreed.

 

I loved hearing from him, but I was always on message: call me when you're really over your ex. (Maybe I'll be available). I can't be friends, too painful.

 

Summarizing some things, but basically he finally sent me a long email about how he'd gotten his head screwed on straight. Could we talk?

You're wrong. You're still trying to accept crumbs. Nothing in your update makes any sense. The guy is a deceitful liar, so how can you believe anything he tells you? Did he really have a straight face when he told you to "not take it personally"? How senseless can a person be in making that statement?

So I finally agreed to see him and talk last weekend. We talked for about 12 hours over 2 days. Shared everything. He told me he loved me.

What is wrong with this picture? He earlier tells you not to take his betrayal personally, and then tries to make it all up to you by saying that he loves you. Really? Why are you allowing yourself to be manipulated like this?

What this guy needed to do (if he had any chance), was to start over again at a slow pace, building up the friendship. But this guy jumps straight into "loving you", and then takes you to bed. You need to halt things, and wait for your therapist to return.

You're not a priority and never will be.

Ex, kids and work all come before you, plus he does not really seem interested.

For your own mental health, eliminate this guy from your life.

Also, you should have bailed when you first discovered his feelings for his ex, not when then get to a point of being "pathological."

I wouldn't let someone back after admitting they were still into their ex. He probably still is. Getting your 'head screwed on right' doesn't change who you're attracted to. He in all likelihood still wants her. I suspect what has changed is she didn't reciprocate so he's back with his backup plan. He's more in love with her than you. He calls it 'unhealthy obsession' because ??

If a man wants to see you, he will. He's too tired to even come over and fall asleep with you? I call BS. People spend their time on what their priorities are. Work is a priority, so he's there a lot. When he's not at work he chooses to be alone. And he chooses it at the last minute. Nice.

Wow lots of negativity.

I'm usually quite easily convinced that Op's should just dump and stay gone but I can see the good boundaries that this Op has and has honed since she left this guy the first time and I think that will keep her safe while she susses out if this guy is legit.

Op: You've learned a lot from your therapy sessions. Just don't forget them or the lesson your last time with him has taught you. Keep your heart off of your sleeve until he shows you in actions that he values you for more then sexual comfort. Lots of people go back to someone they loved if the offer is put on the table. If he isn't showing you that he values you the way a man that says he loves her should be showing you, then you can simply exit stage left and block him from him for ever more.

Did you spend Saturday night together/valentines day today? Did he take you out or do anything special with you?

Keep us updated.