My reputation is destroying my sanity.

I always made friends quickly in high school and would lose them just as quick. I was judgmental, I talked crap about friends to other friends, I was manipulative and controlling. This went on for years in high school. People hated me so much that often when I went out to bars there was someone that wanted to fight me. Eggs thrown at my car, prank calls to my house, my name spray painted places, guys trying to steal my girlfriend, other people trying to people I was friends with not to be friends with me. Get the picture? It was bad.

This continued into university but to a lesser degree. It became a self fulfilling prophecy, I got into drugs, pushed away actual friends and girlfriends, treated them badly and so the circle continued.

My first real job I excelled at, but was not well liked, partially because of my success but partially because of my attitude. I would call out bad work publicly and divided the office. This turned into a childish environment, where one group disliked the other, there was some playful name calling, but definitely some hate towards me on the part of my colleagues.

So I have people from high school, University and a job I had into my mid 20's strongly dislike me. Hanging out with certain individuals that spread a lot of negative information about me did not help the situation.

I always had many girls that were attracted to me, I am extremely intelligent and witty and often get what I want. Sometimes this leads me to believe that there has been a lot of jealousy involved in some of the hate directed towards me, but I may be wrong.

I am now in my late 30's, I am extremely successful, I make a huge salary. I am married I have 2 beautiful girls age 2 and 4, an amazing wife, probably 2 or 3 good friends. However I feel this could all come crumbling done as it has so many times.

I cannot help to think back to my past and regret it, sometimes to the point I get depressed. I feel like I am a bad person, that il hurt every person in my life that comes close. Even one of my friends now I feel like I am too tough and judging on him sometimes. I have dreams regularly of me being friends with people that hated me in high school and university. It torments me.

I feel that my reputation from the past may get in the way of my future at some point. That I have way too many people out there that just don't like me and how can that be okay?

I have overcome alot of my negative attributes I had until my 20's and harnessed them into strengths. Instead of talking behind someone's back, I tell them to theirl face, I have become very direct and forthright, honest, maybe to honest. I have changed manipulation into negotiation.

It is extremely draining to overcome this torment and I feel like this is my punishment for the way I treat/treated others.

The good news is, you are VERY self-aware, and the fact that you are so disgusted with how you used to behave is an indicator that you are NOT that person anymore. Most people who act like jerks earlier in life are jerks always, so it's clear that this isn't some character defect; you were young, your brain wasn't fully formed, you acted out. It happens. I think of all the people I knew in high school and junior high who were total jerks -- bullies even -- and so many of them grew into normal, mentally healthy, decent adults. You were probably going through stuff at that time, internally, that you didn't even fully understand that made you act that way.

You have a good life now, and you have grown up and moved on from your past. Try to stop punishing yourself and do what you're doing now -- promise yourself you will always do better than you did back then. You've learned and grown -- that's a good thing. Keep learning, and keep growing.

Do you ever feel inclined to apologize to anyone you hurt in the past? This is a totally left-field question from me, because I have NO idea if it would be well-received -- or even received at all. None of the people who treated me badly in the past (I was bullied terribly when I was a kid) has ever attempted to apologize -- or has even acknowledged the bad behavior -- but I think I've gotten to the point now that I would be receptive to an apology or even just an explanation if it was offered. I'm not holding my breath, though!

Anyway...try to stop punishing yourself. Focus on your life NOW, and on keeping a promise to yourself to never again conduct yourself the way you used to.

I personally don't care about anyone who was mean to me in high school or early 20s but then again I moved thousands of miles away. Either way people usually mature and grow after high school. They may still dislike you and will probably never be your friends but I sincerely doubt that they will try to hurt you or ruin your life in anyway.

The only thing you can do is keep moving forward and be the type of person you want to be. You can't change the past but the future is in your control. Try to move on.

If you really can't let it go can you contact and just offer these poeople an apology and tell them you're working on yourself?? People are nicer than you'd think when you just talk to them.

Channel your regrets into strengths. You've seen how negative behaviour can affect people, now try affecting others through positive behaviour instead. Instead of sh**ting on others, try helping to build them up.

I think you just need to learn the same lessons most people learn, except you got the order backwards...

Can I tell you something? Most people out there won't probably even remember you, maybe if something jogs their memory. IF someone should happen to see you though, take the time to just say, "Hi." And then stop a moment and tell them, "Hey, way back when, I was a jerk to you and I'm sorry for that." And leave it at that. Someone who was just awful to me in junior high, I mean really just a bully, saw me at a family reunion years later. I didn't even remember them at first, then they said "Hey, I want to apologize to you for having been so awful to you all those years ago." It was then I remembered them, I thanked them for the apology graciously and then we chatted briefly and we parted ways. No harm, no foul, it was kind of nice to get that apology. BUT if I had never heard from that person ever again in life it would make no difference, because like I said I didn't even remember them.

So keep that in mind. If you still feel that horrible maybe a bit of a therapy would help. You're one of the rare individuals who was awful that later down the line matures, gets some self-awareness, and suddenly "wakes up." So you're awake, enjoy it, you are not the same person you were back then. Take what you've learned and be a great father, a loving husband, a good friend. Make who you are now count.

If it all still bothers you find a cause or three to join and a hand to lend helping those that need it. Nothing soothes the sting of "I was rotten" sometimes like the gratitude of an individual you've helped, the smile of a loved one, the purr or bark or nuzzle of an animal rescued and shown love.

Just my thoughts, but trust me you are miles above many in your self-awareness of who you were versus who you want to be now. Make who you are now count. Apologize to anyone you see in public, offer them a hand in friendship, realize if they don't accept it or are still angry that it's their right to be and that's okay. Not everyone has to forgive you, not everyone has to like you, but you have to be the person you are now for those who do love and depend on you. Focus on the present and the future, the past is done. Make your peace with it however you can and move forward.

It's wonderful that you made the choice to change and that you implemented the changes. I think if you are ever given a direct opportunity to apologize you should (but don't seek people out) and once your children are school age, volunteer on an anti-bullying campaign at their school.

OP, you have been posting about this same topic since 2012. Clearly nothing has changed in all these years. Many people suggested you seek therapy to help you get over this and your many other issues. Have you done so yet? If not, why not?

Instead of talking behind someone's back, I tell them to theirl face, I have become very direct and forthright, honest, maybe to honest.

I'd start here: it's never a good idea to describe a lack of empathy and a failure to use discretion as being too 'honest'.