Birth Daughter Contacted Me Interested in Adoptee or Birth Parent Input

In Short I posted a few weeks ago about learning that I have a birth daughter. DNA test is pending with results due Friday but based on appearance I feel this is merely a formality. My original post is here -

After learning this information I posted my information in registries (she'd already registered) and she received notification of a match. Over the weekend she called me and we spoke for a couple of hours. When I asked her what her expectation was and what she was looking for from me after the DNA test she told me she would like contact with me and to have a relationship with me. I've thought about this for the past few days and I'm having a difficult time defining what that means.

I'm not her "dad", she has a dad who from all appearances did a fantastic job raising this young woman. However, she has my blood running through her veins, she has a half sister so she's more than what I would call a friend.

Has anyone else gone through something similar? Any adoptees who are looking for their birth parent willing to share with me what they're looking for or desire?

Posting to have the thread come up so I can follow -----

My bf is adopted and went "looking" for his parents --- to find out that they did not want any contact.

Posting so I can follow!

My bf is adopted and went "looking" for his parents --- to find out that they did not want any contact.

I suppose everyone's situation and circumstance is different, however, reading what you wrote breaks my heart. I cannot imagine denying this young woman anything let alone contact with me. Again, I get my situation may be different and I"m not passing judgement on anyone.

He seemed to be okay with it. He adored his adoptive dad --- his adoptive mother was a child psychologist and not a nice woman. He also has a sister (adopted, and not his biological sister) who had no desire to find her birth parents.

I have two adopted close friends. One of them recently found their birth mother and contacted her. She is close to her adopted mother, and sister, but she also has a half brother and half sister from her bio mom.

She went into it cautiously and went up to visit her. She really didn't have any expectations in mind and just let things flow. I think keeping things open is key. She continues to have a relationship and talk to her bio family, but remains close to her adopted family.

I think it is wonderful that you are open to having any type of communication/relationship with her. Because my second friend located her birth mother, called her and the woman said in the coldest voice "Do NOT ever call here again." and crushed her world.

I really think, like my friend, she is looking for answers, maybe some family history, but if the two of you are not compatible... there is no need to push it simply because you are "blood related".

If it helps, my father died before I was born and my stepfather raised me. I love my stepfather dearly, but if I could talk to my bio father, I would feel the same way. Even though we are blood related, there is a lot of bonding that was done with my stepfather that made me who I am today.

I really think, like my friend, she is looking for answers, maybe some family history, but if the two of you are not compatible... there is no need to push it simply because you are "blood related".

 

If it helps, my father died before I was born and my stepfather raised me. I love my stepfather dearly, but if I could talk to my bio father, I would feel the same way. Even though we are blood related, there is a lot of bonding that was done with my stepfather that made me who I am today.

Yes, she did have a lot of questions, wanted to know her roots, medical history, what was going on when she was conceived and general information about me and my life. Like I said earlier I tried to keep it high level knowing that we would be doing a DNA test. Once this is in I suppose I'll give her carte blanche regarding information.

Regarding her adoptive parents she speaks highly of them, they obviously did a fine job in raising her so I guess you could say I'm thankful? Yes thankful and why wouldn't I be? Even thought I don't know this woman if my blood runs through her veins why wouldn't I be glad she had good parents? Part of me wonders if adoptive parents tend to be better parents than say myself, who was able to have a child. Do they cherish raising a child more than say I do? It sounds as if they made her a priority in their lives.

It's so challenging trying to sort this out, I try and live my life in a way that everything is defined, everything has it's place. This however has no name, no definition, no place, it's something that until a few weeks ago I could have never dreamed of and this is quite challenging for me. Just coming to grips that I have (confirmation on Friday) a mid 20's birth daughter is mind blowing. Someone that I know nothing about. If you asked me what color my daughter's eyes are, what her favorite ice cream is, favorate meal, snack, sport, movie, color etc. I could tell you without batting an eye. This young woman I don't have a clue. Very strange to have fathered someone yet know nothing about them.

I know this sort of thing happens every day; everyday fathers walk out on their children, are not involved in their lives, never speak with them etc, but that's not me. My daughter is the most important thing in the world to me, even above my wife. It's a very strange position to be in, and I wonder if she feels the same way.

Maybe this is a huge opportunity for you to do something without needing to have an agenda and being open-ended in spirit.

Why can't this just be "an adventure"? Everything else is cut-and-dried, and here is a chance to seek something that could be rewarding, but as a purely unwritten story.

I have no personal experiences to relay other than the ones I posted on your last thread. But I feel with good intent on your end, and on hers, this seems like a promising development in your life. You can be confused and unsure and still embrace the possibility of a human bond that doesn't define itself by a label.

Hi, I'm an adoptee. I was adopted from birth and placed with my parents at 3 months old. I'll keep it brief in regards to the questions you asked but if you want any more info just shout.

I have always known I was adopted but wasn't that interested in finding out anything about my birth parents until I was pregnant with my first child at 24. Long story short, I tracked down my half sister 5 years ago (my birth mother's first child) - my birth mother was imposible to trace. The family were very shady about my birth mother, they had no contact with her, she had mental health issues...I never really got the full story. She died last year and I never got to meet her. Until I approached them, they knew nothing about my existence.

As for my birth father, all I have is a name and year of birth. Nothing obvious comes up on searching the Internet.

As an adoptee I had a wonderful childhood, as normal and lovely as you would hope any child's life to be. But knowing you're adopted...it's almost like you have a gap in your self-knowledge. I think this comes to the fore more when you become a teenager. You are trying to discover yourself, who you are, but there's a lack of knowledge. Our personalities and emotions are not just from how we are brought up, but from our genes too. It doesn't matter to some people (my brother is adopted too from different birth parents, he doesn't care a jot about finding out his background) - but to other like me, it plays on my mind a lot.

I'd like to find my birth father one day. He would be 55 now. At first just to meet him, maybe hear his story, see if we share any common interests and values. And then decide whether to keep up any contact. Friendship would depend on a lot of things. In my case, he had a short relationship with my birth mother in college, she decided on adoption, he respected her decision but expressed regret that she didn't want to keep me, and that's all I know. I feel no ill will towards him at all.

Hope that helps - good luck with everything!

PS I didn't keep it brief, I never can!

Maybe this is a huge opportunity for you to do something without needing to have an agenda and being open-ended in spirit.

 

Why can't this just be "an adventure"? Everything else is cut-and-dried, and here is a chance to seek something that could be rewarding, but as a purely unwritten story.

 

I have no personal experiences to relay other than the ones I posted on your last thread. But I feel with good intent on your end, and on hers, this seems like a promising development in your life. You can be confused and unsure and still embrace the possibility of a human bond that doesn't define itself by a label.

Very good advice, thank you.

Hi, I'm an adoptee. I was adopted from birth and placed with my parents at 3 months old. I'll keep it brief in regards to the questions you asked but if you want any more info just shout.

 

I have always known I was adopted but wasn't that interested in finding out anything about my birth parents until I was pregnant with my first child at 24. Long story short, I tracked down my half sister 5 years ago (my birth mother's first child) - my birth mother was imposible to trace. The family were very shady about my birth mother, they had no contact with her, she had mental health issues...I never really got the full story. She died last year and I never got to meet her. Until I approached them, they knew nothing about my existence.

 

As for my birth father, all I have is a name and year of birth. Nothing obvious comes up on searching the Internet.

 

As an adoptee I had a wonderful childhood, as normal and lovely as you would hope any child's life to be. But knowing you're adopted...it's almost like you have a gap in your self-knowledge. I think this comes to the fore more when you become a teenager. You are trying to discover yourself, who you are, but there's a lack of knowledge. Our personalities and emotions are not just from how we are brought up, but from our genes too. It doesn't matter to some people (my brother is adopted too from different birth parents, he doesn't care a jot about finding out his background) - but to other like me, it plays on my mind a lot.

 

I'd like to find my birth father one day. He would be 55 now. At first just to meet him, maybe hear his story, see if we share any common interests and values. And then decide whether to keep up any contact. Friendship would depend on a lot of things. In my case, he had a short relationship with my birth mother in college, she decided on adoption, he respected her decision but expressed regret that she didn't want to keep me, and that's all I know. I feel no ill will towards him at all.

 

Hope that helps - good luck with everything!

 

PS I didn't keep it brief, I never can!

Facilitating insight, thank you! The gap comment is what resonates with me. If I was an adoptee it would be that gap of information that would drive me mad (see above). Could this young woman have similar traits as me, would that even be possible? She clearly was trying to fill in the "gap" as you said.

It's interesting, she's sent me a handful of text messages and each time I receive one it actually brings a smile to my face. Very strange.

Facilitating insight, thank you! The gap comment is what resonates with me. If I was an adoptee it would be that gap of information that would drive me mad (see above). Could this young woman have similar traits as me, would that even be possible? She clearly was trying to fill in the "gap" as you said.

 

It's interesting, she's sent me a handful of text messages and each time I receive one it actually brings a smile to my face. Very strange.

You're welcome! I have always had that "gap", and probably always will - and although I'm in my 30s and have my own family and it doesn't fill me with the angst it did when I was younger - it does still affect me.

It sounds like you're in a great position though, in terms of getting to know your daughter. She'll most likely be full of the same anxieties as you are. From a different position, yes. But knowing there is an extra person in your story that you don't know, whether you have always known they exist or whether you have just found out, is just full of head-mashing questions and worries. Just take your time getting to know each other as you would any new person. I wish you both well.

Im on the fence. I know I have 3 half brothers.. My mom was 15 when she gave birth to me. My BIO father ran away and never came back so I have a lot of unanswered questions but I don't know if im ready for that new part of my life yet.

You sound very level headed and I am sure you will handle this well.

How is your Wife coping with this? Did she have lunch with your ex?

My aunt just found her son after 44 years, it's not easy on her or him. First of all You are her dad! She wants a relationship , obviously she doesn't hate you. Be grateful for that.. give it to her and don't be selfish!

You sound very level headed and I am sure you will handle this well.

How is your Wife coping with this? Did she have lunch with your ex?

As a birth mother herself my wife since the call it's been a little difficult for her, or at least it appears to be that way. She registered her information years ago and nothing. I know of this child two weeks, put my information in a registry and it's an instant match.

She's very supportive of whatever happens.

Yes she did have lunch with the birth mother after she approached me. Gathered some info on the child that allowed me to register, felt her out in terms of was she telling the truth and gave her a little help. That was the last contact with the birth mother.

My aunt just found her son after 44 years, it's not easy on her or him. First of all You are her dad! She wants a relationship , obviously she doesn't hate you. Be grateful for that.. give it to her and don't be selfish!

If testing comes back showing she is my daughter (as I fully expect it will) I'm open to giving this young woman whatever she desires. I have no issues with this.

Results are back, paternity confirmed. Even thought I was sure it would come back with these results my head is still spinning. A few weeks ago I had no idea this young woman existed, today she's my biological daughter. Never could have predicted something like this.

She wants to come meet me prior to Christmas, asked about meeting her half sister and I told her I was waiting for the test results prior to giving her the news. I still want to speak with a professional as well prior to informing my daughter so I told her a future trip would probably work better. I hope she doesn't feel that I'm hiding her, I'm shielding my daughter and want to make sure I handle the situation properly for her.

This is all so strange, yet she seems so comfortable with it. I suppose she's had far more time to prepare for this day than I have.

Absolutely, she would've had more time to prepare than you. She's probably known since she was very little that she was adopted. They always recommend if you adopt a child that you tell them from the very beginning that they are adopted.

Congrats on having another daughter.

I would ask not to meet her until after Christmas. It is the first Christmas as a married couple with your wife and with your daughter. Take time and enjoy that. And you don't want to build up your bio daughter's expectations. And you need to let the daughter you raised not have anything sprung on her like this. new stepmom and new house and whatever is enough for one Christmas. If you meet her, meet her for coffee - but i think its best to wait. It won't be that long of a wait.

The first meet would probably be best one-on-one, perhaps for coffee. Or maybe by skype? I understand she is anxious to meet, but it's ok to take it slow, let it sink in for you. Perhaps you two could even exchange letters to share a bit more about yourselves.

Congratulations, by the way.

Things sure move fast in your world!

She's probably known since she was very little that she was adopted. They always recommend if you adopt a child that you tell them from the very beginning that they are adopted.

She told me she has not known her entire life, this baffled me as well, however, I will not second guess her parents.

I would ask not to meet her until after Christmas. It is the first Christmas as a married couple with your wife and with your daughter. Take time and enjoy that. And you don't want to build up your bio daughter's expectations. And you need to let the daughter you raised not have anything sprung on her like this. new stepmom and new house and whatever is enough for one Christmas. If you meet her, meet her for coffee - but i think its best to wait. It won't be that long of a wait.

She's hell bent on meeting me prior to the holiday, she lives far enough away from me that I'll need to fly her here, or me there. Actually I'm thinking of us both traveling to neutral ground. I take the last part of the month/year off every year and I"m going to see of we can push it to this time. Not going to say anything to my daughter until after we've met, as you write, she's had a lot going on the last part of this year and I imagine for her this will be quite the curve ball.

The first meet would probably be best one-on-one, perhaps for coffee. Or maybe by skype? I understand she is anxious to meet, but it's ok to take it slow, let it sink in for you. Perhaps you two could even exchange letters to share a bit more about yourselves.

 

Congratulations, by the way.

 

Things sure move fast in your world!

I wrote her a long letter over the weekend that I emailed to her, six pages typed. Shared more information regarding my life/self, my family and my feelings surrounding this. For some reason I'm uncomfortable with Skype, I'd prefer our first meeting to be in person. As I said above, she lives in a different state so meeting for coffee is tough, if I'm going to fly her in it would be for more than coffee, but I'm not sure what. Maybe dinner and then if that goes well spend the following day together, but spending a day together doing what I don't know. Anyone who has meet a birth parent have any suggestions?

I checked her social media accounts and she's announced that she's found me and seems very happy. Evidently many of her friends knew of the situation and of her search and they seem very supportive of her. I read some of what has been written and wonder how her parents would take the comments if they read them, honestly I think I'd be hurt. Maybe their relationship is above that I don't know.

Yes things do move fast in my world. I think for one I'm decisive, seems like she is too. If I would have sent her a ticket I think she would have come for Thanksgiving.

Speaking of Thanksgiving, had a wonderful first Thanksgiving and spent quite a bit of the holiday in deep thought observing my daughter and wondering about my birth daughter.

She's hell bent on meeting me prior to the holiday, she lives far enough away from me that I'll need to fly her here, or me there.

If she's "hell bent" or calling the shots, let her pay HER way. She's an adult. If you have offered, then I guess it's a moot point. If you are equally hell bent/motivated/enthusiastic, then fine, arrange your schedule to meet soon.

When I suggested exchanging letters, I meant the exchange part, make it an equal thing, as in "let's start by exchanging letters", so that you receive from her as well.

Hell bent was probably too strong of a term, I should have said determined.

Regarding her flight, I couldn't dream of asking her to pay for her own flight. Not based on anything she's said, it's just me.

She has sent me emails, some long, others short. She's text me as well.

It is too bad her parents did not tell her. They very strongly reccomend it. My best friend found out in high school she was adopted and once she was an adult she stopped talking to them and went and found her birth mother.

It is too bad her parents did not tell her. They very strongly reccomend it. My best friend found out in high school she was adopted and once she was an adult she stopped talking to them and went and found her birth mother.

Yes doesn't make sense to me but she's their daughter, they seem to have had her best interests in mind so I trust there was a good reason. Even if there wasn't I don't feel I have to right to second guess her parents.