Was this abuse?!!!!

Hi hope you can help me here... I have been with my boyfriend for 4 months, I met him through a dating site and although attracted to him he wasnt my usual type.... We clicked from the word go and he seemed everything i could hope for or wish for in a man.. kind.. loving... caring.. sensitive... We spent as much time together as possible ( he is cabin crew and works odd hours) but most weekends we would be together... I introduced him to my kids who are 36yrs 32 years 26 years and 15/// He has 3 kids but they live in Holland which is where he is from. There is no problem with language as he actually speaks better english than me... Anyway on Saturday we were round my daughters at a barbeque.. We had a lovely day/eve.. fully attentive of one another but i realised i was feeling a little worse for wear ( had too many drinks) so took myself off to the front room to lay down for a bit. I got woken up by my son-in-law jumping on me and play fighting... my daughter asked for the pillow i was laying on as it was my grandaughters.. i was teasing saying no your not having it.. my boyfriend was kneeling down beside me and was smiling he was saying please give her the pillow.. and in the end i did.. My son-in-law continued to play fight and at that point he made me jump up after tickling my feet and i accidently knocked my boyfriends glasses... to which my daughter said.. " mum careful you just knocked his glasses".. I was giggly and silly and said in a cartoon voice " sowwie"... This was when my boyfriend grabbed my face with both hands turned my head to face him and shouted very loudly in my face " NO.. look what you did to my glasses..." i tried to giggle to calm things and said something like " aw sowwy i didnt mean to bang your glasses".. at this point he pinned my head down onto the sofa and shouted at me loudly.. " Stop now.. You stop right now.. enough" and i heard my son-in-law say " no dont do that rob to her please".. but he did it again and shouted at me to stop behaving this way ( all i was doing at that point was trying to keep face and trying to smile as if it were play" again i heard my son-in-law this time with more persistence " dont do that to my ma... stop that " but for the third time he pushed down hard and shouted that if i did not stop and behave he would walk out the door so i said go then.. He did walk out the door and all 3 of us girls had to stop my son-in-law from chasing after him as he was so angry.... My boyfriend has since tried to make it up with me he is admitting that he was wrong in how he handled the situation but is saying im not seeing his point of view? But i dont feel i did anything to deserve this as i did not intentionally hit his glasses or drink too much and i wasnt being offensive or nasty at all. Is this abuse what should i do.. please help

He probably saw red at your son-in-law play fighting with you. I don't know if it's a common occurrence but I would say that him jumping on you was inappropriate. Your boyfriend over-reacted but I can see his point. The chances are everyone had too much alcohol and I think you need to all be more careful next time.

Regardless of your boyfriend's behaviour and whether you stay with him or not, I would look more closely at your relationship with your son-in-law. It really seems like over-stepping boundaries to me.

thankyou for your input... but we are all a vry close family and the play fighting.. throwing pillows etc extends to all of us... our relationship is totally platonic... my boyfriend wasnt offended by this he was laughing whilst this was all happening... but i can see how i may of painted the picture to you.. Its so hard to paint a picture of a situation without writing an essay but again tks for taking the time to reply x

also my son-in-law is just like a son to me (family) should it not be allowed that i can muck about with him.. i do that with my son who is nearly 16.. but he wouldnt think bad of that or would he then?... I shouldnt have to worry and watch what im doing in fear of this behaviour really.... and like i said the boyfriend only got angry after i hit his glasses and refused to do his bidding or what he wanted me to do.. anyhow just my input into things tks again

I think it is a massive red flag. There is absolutely NO excuse for behaving this way, regardless of alcohol, play fighting, whatever.

These are the sorts of situations when you get a glimpse of the 'real' person. Ugly.

Your BF is trying to gaslight you into believing there is some other excuse (probably your fault) for his behaviour. Second red flag.

It's up to you what you do, but I'd be letting him go. Too much baggage with this one, and two big red flags after only 4 months. Make good your escape!

Thankyou so much for your reply... i have just received this email from him which i thought i would post to let u see...

Good morning darling. Although there's no point in getting back together because, as you said, you'll never be able to look at me the same way, I want you to know that I am (now) aware my behaviour was out of line, whatever the circumstances. Sadly, my tears can't undo what happened. It's a shame that it has to end like this, because I know there's a lot of love between us. Anyway, I wish you all the best. Xx

Best to leave it at that.

Sadly his cloak slipped and you glimpsed an aspect of his real self. That level of lack of self control is very disturbing.

I agree.... We were on a weekend break to budapest a couple of weeks ago ( no alcohol involved on the day in question).. we walked past a church with the bells ringing and i said to him... what religion are they here anyway ( ditzy blonde moment lol) i said " are they christian, muslim, catholic?" he said " they are catholic the same as me"... I replied "ah ok so their icon is the Virgin Mary?" He said " No its not its god".. I said" i know its god but when you go into a church of england church its Jesus on the cross but in a catholic church its a statue of the mother mary".. He got very irritated at this and started asking me did i want to bet on this because i was wrong.... i said something like ok go on then at which point we had reached the steps of our hotel and he stormed off upstairs leaving me trailing behind. I kind of thought " how childish".. I said to him when i reached the room " why do you get so uptight about this... its like you always feel the need to be right".. He got so angry shouted really loud at me and said " enough... stop now.. its finished.. over with... ENOUGH" and stormed off downstairs.. I was shocked and also started to feel panicky as im quite a homebody and havent travelled in years and was looking to him to take care of me and now he felt like my enemy.. So anyway when he came back up in the room he did the whole sulky thing laid down on his back on the bed folded his arms around his neck crossed his feet at the bottom and would not talk to me... I took a shower then decided to try make amends with him.. I sat on him and said " look babe.. it shouldnt matter if you think your right or im wrong.. I am allowed an opinion and thats all it was... can we forget this now.. were on hols lets enjoy".. He just kinda smirked so i left him with that thought and went for a ciggie... He came down after 20 mins and we carried on as if normal again. but i have to say that frightened me and i saw a very different side to him

thankyou for your input... but we are all a vry close family and the play fighting.. throwing pillows etc extends to all of us... our relationship is totally platonic... my boyfriend wasnt offended by this he was laughing whilst this was all happening... but i can see how i may of painted the picture to you.. Its so hard to paint a picture of a situation without writing an essay but again tks for taking the time to reply x

I guess different families have different boundaries and, as long as your daughter is OK with it, it's OK. However, in my opinion, I would not feel comfortable with my wife and daughter's boyfriend behaving like that. Maybe your boyfriend didn't. We're all different. I remember feeling uncomfortable when a male friend got something out of my (then) girlfriend's handbag. I'd always considered a lady's handbag a very personal thing that not even a partner would open without asking. Then, on the other hand, as a (then) relatively new boyfriend, I felt that I was the new guy and my wife had known this group of friends for many years.

This doesn't mean I'm right and you're wrong (or vice-versa) but partners may have different ideas about personal boundaries. Even so, his reaction was definitely inappropriate, regardless of his feelings about personal boundaries.

That story really Budapest would cause me to run

I think everyone should see their partners lose their temper before committing full-time.

Budapest was the first red flag. What a childish narcissist he is.

To me you're describing situations and things (personal view) that obviously are very sensitive to him.

Budapest you attacked his believe. It might be a simple opinion or view for you to have but for him it something else. And what happened at your family... I don't know. He might be sensitive to alcohol abuse, or as someone else said that you're too close (for his liking) with your son-in-law, or maybe it are very expensive glasses.

I would get angry in the heat of things if someone knocks my glasses off.

I'm not saying that he has a right to act this furious towards you. Not at all. But I would find it somewhat understandable in the situations you describe. But getting angry or upset is one thing, getting physical, like how he hold you down is another... There is some serious issue if someone gets physical abusive towards you. So yes, keep at this and say goodbye forever to him.

To me the issue was him freaking out over having his glasses knocked off, not the play fighting with the SIL. That was a really over the top reaction and I'm glad SIl told him to stop. Then the Budapest story - well my dear you really are better off without this guy. He's too temperamental and has shown an abusive side. Be glad he thinks it's over, because it needed to be.

I don't think the way he reacted both times was appropriate at all and he acted very weird and aggressive. With the Budapest situation, so what even if you were wrong? I mean, people often can be wrong in life, and this was something really minor and not necessarily something every person is expected to know. If he's going to lose it and scream at you every time your opinions don't 100% match, God help him! He could never calm down then lol As far as the glasses situation, that was really weird and aggressive behaviour too. I mean, he could see you were quite drunk and were even lying down because you had a bit too much to drink. If you didn't actually break the glasses, it was really not that big a deal. Plus he needed to make an allowance for the fact that you were drunk. He acted like a total psycho! I definitely think you dodged a bullet there.

how did she attack his beliefs?!!!! She asked what statues they had in churches somewhere she's never been at before, sheesh. I aks stuff abroad all the time and i'm not doing it to provoke anyone lol. The guy got majorly abusive. Being upset about having glasses knocked off is not the same as satanically pinning a person down repeatedly while furiously intimidating them in front of their children. Are you bloody kidding me. He's not being "sensitive" and telling her she overstepped some boundary for asking a simple question is telling her to walk on eggshells around an abuser, as he would've had her do anyway because he is- ABUSIVE.

He's sick and deranged. period.

Bail out OP, block him everywhere and don't ever, ever, respond to him again.

I'm sorry you've had this experience.

You have two clear instance where he became inflamed over something very minor that a normal person would simply shrug off and his reaction was over the top and violent each time. The first time it was verbally violent, the second time it crossed over into physical violence fast. You are lucky your family was there to protect you because who knows how far he may gone if it were just you and him alone.

Count your blessings that you are still in one piece and do not ever cross paths with him again. In the future, when someone acts the way he did on that trip, that's when you call it quits on the relationship. Don't even wait for round two. When someone shows you their colors, you better believe them.

You have two clear instance where he became inflamed over something very minor that a normal person would simply shrug off and his reaction was over the top and violent each time. The first time it was verbally violent, the second time it crossed over into physical violence fast. You are lucky your family was there to protect you because who knows how far he may gone if it were just you and him alone.

 

Count your blessings that you are still in one piece and do not ever cross paths with him again. In the future, when someone acts the way he did on that trip, that's when you call it quits on the relationship. Don't even wait for round two. When someone shows you their colors, you better believe them.

Bearing in mind that there is a lot of debate as to what normal really is, I would say that, in both cases, it was an extreme form of anger. Some people throw hissy fits from time to time. In some cultures, it is more acceptable to show anger than others. Sometimes, I really believe that it isn't so much anger as control. It isn't fair but it is true that if you shout at people long enough, often enough and loud enough, most of them will cave in to your bullying.

As for the crossing boundaries bit, I expressed a personal opinion that is also similar to my wife's. I don't think she'd be too tolerant of me playfighting with her (female or male) relatives. There's no right or wrong, people have different boundaries, due to culture and personality.

The question of alcohol: should allowances be made for peoples' behaviour when they are drunk? No. Not on my watch. I've done a few things when drunk that I really should not have done, so I simply don't get drunk these days.

As for the crossing boundaries bit, I expressed a personal opinion that is also similar to my wife's. I don't think she'd be too tolerant of me playfighting with her (female or male) relatives. There's no right or wrong, people have different boundaries, due to culture and personality.

MWD if this was about my mention of boundaries i didn't mean your comment, i meant the reply above where someone suggested her question about the virgin mary could have been interpreted as disrespectful. i meant to say that if OP is suggested to be hypervigilant about innocent questions that might set the man off she'll be succumbing to text-book abusive, controlling behavior. Sorry if I wasn't clear about that.

I think when everyone has had a drink or two too many it may seem like a fun idea to get into a rugby pile and laugh histerically. I suppose the weirdness is easily avoided by just going easy on the booze. I agree that's generally a good idea. He got violent though, so my focus was on that.

Whatever triggers or feelings or personal beliefs he may have had about either situation, they do not justify his behavior. Not even remotely.

A man, especially one you've only known four short months, who feels no hesitation about holding/forcing a grown woman down while shouting in her face...IN FRONT OF her adult children(!)...is not a man you should ever consider continuing a relationship with. What would he be willing to do to you when you're alone?

Please don't go back to this man. His abuse is only escalating. If you let him, he will just escalate his abuse each time and apologize afterwards. It will just get worse and worse until you have physical and emotional scars that don't heal. Some abusers escalate it to the point of killing their partners and their partners' loved ones.

Please don't go back to this man. His abuse is only escalating. If you let him, he will just escalate his abuse each time and apologize afterwards. It will just get worse and worse until you have physical and emotional scars that don't heal. Some abusers escalate it to the point of killing their partners and their partners' loved ones.

I think that's one thing we all agree on. In my experience, emotional bullying has hurt me far more than physical bullying.

thankyou all so very much for your replies... update on this is that i have indeed ended things with this man... But its my feelings that im struggling with now!!. At first i felt almost releived when he realised that i was not going back but now im somewhere inbetween releif and panic!!... I looked at the pics of us last night and could only see the sweet loving man i fell in love with... the one who let me use his car and would get the train because i didnt have one... the one who cooked special dinners for me.. who upgraded his phone so i could have his old one ( mine got broken)... who would put cash in my purse without me knowing because he knew i had none... gentle sweet and loving... and that makes me feel sad.. in fact it makes me feel sorry for myself ( sorry for myself!!!????) i mean whats that all about??... Then i feel sorry for him.. sorry that he now has to explain to his family/friends why we broke up ( probably wont tell them the real reason but still has to explain) they live in holland and all had befriended me on fb... and right now i feel quite numb actually... like i dont care either way.... When i think ( could i get back with him).. which i do from time to time if im honest... that now makes me feel trapped... and in a way i feel liberated at the moment but that is all mixed up with all these other feelings... Is this normal!!!! I really need some insight into this if possible please xx

Buffy, your feelings of total bewilderment are so normal. You have been subjected to the classical idealization/devaluation cycle, so typical of individuals of this kind. It is very hard to comprehend, because you are in shock. Fact is you are very lucky. Heed the advice given by the posters on here.

Meantime, burn those pictures and/or delete from wherever you have them stored, all of them. He was never sweet and loving. That was a facade, nothing more.

You were tripped up, or to put it plainly, conned.

It will get better in time, Buffy, but it is a bitter realization.

Thank you so much for your kind reply... It makes so much sense to me .... After reading your message I feel a lot better as I have been feeling sad all day... Questioning life that kinda thing then missing my dad (more so than I always do) he died 18 years ago and my mum... Lost her last year and thinking how unfair it all is... Then hitting on myself feeling a failure.. Questioning failures in other areas of my life.. Questioning my behaviour on said night... That sort of thing but I guess that's normal too huh? But now I feel a lot better having read your reply... Thank you for taking the time to reply as I've been hoping someone would all day 😊