My Parents Think I'm ty

Hey all. I'm 21, female, and live with my parents (mainly because I'm not financially stable). I'm a virgin and haven't had a boyfriend, although I have dated some. I've recently started seeing a 24 yr old guy. I decided that even though we've been seeing each other only a month that I should get on birth control just in case. I went to his place while he and his roommates were having a cookout and drank too much so I couldn't drive home, and I called to let my parents know. My parents were understandably upset that I was drunk. When I got home the next day, they sat me down and proceeded to lecture me on how I should be appalled at my behavior because I had been "drunk in public" and was "acting like a tramp" by doing the walk of shame that morning. They forbade me to go see the guy again and said that they weren't going to have good thoughts about my guy when they meet him. I respect their right to their opinion and that I have to abide by their rules so long as I live with them, but I disagree. I do not feel that I was drunk in public because I was in the apartment the entire time. That's not even the legal definition of drunk in public. I never blacked out or was out of control. I do not think that I acted like a tramp or did the walk of shame. I am not ashamed that I decided not to drive in an impaired condition and stayed at a safe location. I did not have sex with him and nothing inappropriate happened. When I told them that I disagreed and didn't feel that I had been skanky and was hurt that they would say this, they told me that I should get over it and that I should be mortified that other people thought those things about me. I feel that they're projecting all sorts of things onto the situation and him that simply aren't there. But they're on the border of kicking me out. I don't know what to do. I love my family, but my parents are trying to reel me in like I'm a teenager. Am I out of line? Are they? What should I do?

You are picking nits by saying you were not drunk "in public" because you weren't walking down the street or at the mall drunk. Being drunk at a cookout is "public". Your parents are rightfully concerned because you weren't in the privacy of your home, but out with other people who COULD have taken advantage of you while you were drunk, that you let your guard and better judgement down among people you barely know (a guy you dated a month - he is a new person to you as well). Even if no one took advantage of you, your other judgements are off and you could have been injured by falling or driving drunk.

While they should have commended you for calling instead of driving yourself home, they perhaps see the older boyfriend as a bad influence - someone you are trying to appear more mature for. There could be other behaviors you have exhibited since having this boyfriend that could be alarming them overall. I know you are only three years apart but sometimes being 21 and "woohoo i can drink now" and being 24 and out of college or on your own, perhaps, is a world of difference. You admit yourself you got on birth control right away rather than looking into it when you had a serious talk about becoming sexually active with him when the relationship progressed to that point, etc, and that is indicative of big changes in you. There could be other things you are not saying. Also, if their first real introduction to the boyfriend was you going to his place and getting drunk - they probably don't have a great opinion of him so far.

I think that firstly, just for yourself, you should be very conscious about your surroundings and your behavior for your own protection. And I am not being a prude. Mom and dad have every right to decide that while you are under their roof, they don't want to have to come pick your drunk rear end up anywhere.

Instead of arguing with your folks about the technicalities about being in public - which is immature - admit to them that yes, you got drunk. It was against your better judgement. You understand where they are coming from and that they are just concerned for you. That you will try to do better in the future and understand their point.

I imagine there's a lot of women out there that start birth control just in case they get raped.

Also, she shouldn't have to abstain from drinking just so she can stay safe. People should just not hurt other people. If you say that she should be mindful of her surroundings and behavior, it's just going to lead to self blame when something does happen. Don't you agree?

I think your parents are really concerned for you but yes they did over react. You are an adult now and allowed to make your own choices. But while you live with them you should also respect their rules.

Aye you should have a talk with them and ask them what they think is ok in terms of you dating and staying out. I'm not saying you have to agree with it all maybe you can negotiate a bit but it will stop things like this happening again.

Also the next time you're to drunk to drive give then the option to pick you up, if they decline then at least you tried.

Your parents are way too controlling. Yes, they care about you and are concerned for their idea of your well-being, but they need to realize that you are an adult now (and have been an adult legally for the past three years) and if they want to be a part of your life then they need to love and support you as you make your own decisions. You need to have a serious conversation with them and explain that you appreciate their financial, emotional, and time investment in your development, but that you will find other means of supporting yourself if they are incapable of giving you the space and respect that you need as an adult. If your parents care as much as they seem to, this will probably scare them into being a little more lenient. This cannot be an empty threat on your part, it needs to be factual and non-manipulative and in case they can't respect your negotiated boundaries then you need to have a back-up plan for where to live and how to support yourself. If you don't have a job already, you need to get one so you can start saving up for your own place to live so you can move out whenever you need to. You should be open to negotiating your boundaries with them, and also accept that they will have some rules that you will need to abide by as long as you live at home. Your boundaries and your parents' house rules should be negotiated in a conversation in advance, not just as you're leaving to go out as that would just cause trouble.

Also, you are not skanky or a tramp for being on birth control or for any of the other behaviors you described. Yeah, getting drunk at your boyfriend's house and spending the night wasn't a great idea but it's a WAY better option than trying to drive home wasted since that's dangerous and could ruin your life! You are an adult, you can't let your parents make you feel shameful for doing what most teens and adults do. I honestly suggest you just spread your wings as soon as possible and flee the nest. I know living alone is intimidating, but you would manage just fine on your own. Everyone has to leave the safety and comfort of home at some point.

 

Also, she shouldn't have to abstain from drinking just so she can stay safe. People should just not hurt other people. If you say that she should be mindful of her surroundings and behavior, it's just going to lead to self blame when something does happen. Don't you agree?

REALLY? Both men AND women must be mindful of their surroundings AND their behavior. When someone is drunk, they can accidentally harm themselves and others with poor coordination and poor judgement. Other people can hurt them by taking advantage of them (sexually, or talking them into doing something non sexual that they wouldn't normally do because its "funny" and the drunk person goes with it.) Drinking is a responsibility, not a "right." A sign of maturity is to know when not to drink, and if one does, be mindful of the surroundings and situation and the number of drinks one has in order to NOT get drunk - in otherwords, drinking responsibly.

Yes, if someone does something stupid when they are drunk, they SHOULD blame themselves! They are the only one who can change their behavior.

Your parents are way too controlling. Yes, they care about you and are concerned for their idea of your well-being, but they need to realize that you are an adult now (and have been an adult legally for the past three years) and if they want to be a part of your life then they need to love and support you as you make your own decisions.

No..if she wants to live in THEIR HOUSE, she needs to follow THEIR HOUSE RULES. She is not making choices like going to art school (if she has actual talent) instead of following the family business - now that is where they need to bend to be a part of her life perhaps despite their disappointment. But they have no need to bend to say "that is fine to get drunk, sweetie - we support your life choices". Who knows, maybe things ended badly for a relative who was drunk - wound up pregnant, got physically injured or got arrested or kicked out of school - who knows. They just know that in life their children are judged by their behavior and wished she would make a better choice.

The OP has the choice to move out and not live by her parents rules or stay and live by them. But being mindful instead of drinking to the point of drunkenness is just a good life skill for any adult so they can choose the future they want.

They did probably come down a little harsh but its their rules. Their house. They support you.