I ended my affair to a wonderful man

I just ended my affair of a year and a half and I’m so sick feeling. My story starts years ago at the beginning of my 13 year marriage. I married a **** addict and a compulsive liar who deceived me for years. When I finally confronted him the first time he said he would stop and never do it again. A few years later it happened again and again he begged me not to leave and said he would stop. Then our daughter was born and everything seemed fine. One day when using the computer I noticed a down loaded file from limewire full of nasty ****..everything imaginable. I told him that was it and he begged, cried, and pleaded for me to stay, saying we were the only thing he had in the world and he would die without us. And of course I stayed. I know he still looks at **** and has signed up for all kinds of **** sites but about 2 years ago I started to notice he became really flirtatious with another volunteer at a community agency he’s involved with. I never confronted him but saw enough emails and facebook messages that I know they are having an affair. I just swallowed my pride for my daughter and stayed. Then I met “the man”. There was an instant spark between us that both of us tried to ignore. We work fairly close by each other and would see each other in a public setting frequently. Those meetings turned to chat messages and then to a physical relationship. He is single and absolutely wonderful. He treats me like a queen and I fell totally and madly in love with him. We made plans to be together by the end of this year because my husband and I have a lot of debt I needed to get straightened out so I would be able to make it own my own. Fourteen days ago my lover told me to either leave my husband now or it was over. I can’t just walk out due to my debt and my daughter so I ended it. I gave up the greatest love of my life and I feel like I’m dying inside. I can barely function each day. Last night my ex lover sent me a text to ask me if I was going to be a funeral so we could avoid each other. The hurt and the anger from him was like a knife in my heart. I know I have made a huge mistake letting him go but I didn’t seem to have a choice. I don't know what to do!

It sounds like you need to leave your husband first. get divorced. Then figure out the rest of your life.

I feel bad for your daughter...You need to leave...this sounds like a really toxic environment in general

I'm with Faraday. Your wonderful lover might be gone now but your needing to leave remains a real thing. Work towards that.

He's a sh_t addict? I'm trying to figure out what's been censored here, sorry lol.

about 2 years ago I started to notice he became really flirtatious with another volunteer at a community agency he’s involved with. I never confronted him but saw enough emails and facebook messages that I know they are having an affair.

Two wrongs don't make a right.

Why haven't you left? Is it because you earn more than your husband and would be forced to carry more of the burden of the debt loads?

People declare bankruptcy all the time, and divorce all the time. So you need to accept reality that your marriage didn't work, and now you will have to pay the price for that if necessary. You can't expect your lover to wait forever for you because it probably feels like you're just stalling and will never do it.

So you'll have to suffer some financial difficulty for a while and figure out how to co-parent and share custody with your husband. People do it all the time. Your problem is you're not understanding that you do have to make sacrifices for things that are important to you, and make tough choices as to what you should do, then pay whatever price is necessary to back up your choices.

It is very rare when cheating not matter the reason or circumstance brings good to all involved.

It sounds like your wonderful man finally realized he wasn't being so wonderful because he was helping a married woman cheat on her husband and family.

He got tired or waiting and hearing excuses why you wouldn't end your marriage. Usually on this forum it is a woman that has been strung along by a man that tells his mistress how terrible his wife is and there is no love in his marriage any longer and then one day the mistress gets tired of waiting for a divorce that is never coming. It is just reversed this time is all. Your boyfriend hears all the time how terrible your husband is and yet you stay.

What to do?

Debt is debt getting a divorce now will not change that. Go see a lawyer and get some advice. It may be more advantageous to divorce now then after the debt is cleared up. Then after that is all over spend some time alone being the best single parent you can be while your life is on hold. Once you have your life worked out and your child is doing good then you can consider dating.

You and your boyfriends relationship was built on a foundation of lies and betrayal. Perhaps one day after you have divorced, got your life together and your child is happy and thriving you can possibly re-connect and start fresh with a real relationship that is out in the open and free of all the secrets.

Divorce your husband because your marriage cannot be repaired, not because your bf gave you an ultimatum.

Lost

I'd say the first big issue you need to address here is your marriage - it's clearly not working and doesn't look like your husband is making a genuine effort to work at it, despite you giving him several chances already. By conducting this new relationship as an extra-marital affair behind his back in secret, you didn't give it a chance to work as a real relationship, and now it's ended as a result, which is a real shame. You won't be able to move on with your life and find someone new if you're stuck in this toxic relationship. It needs to end, even if that does make things difficult.

I understand your pain, but try to see things from your lover's perspective. It sounds like he did everything right and treated you exactly as you wanted to be treated, but you still stuck with your husband and wouldn't commit fully to your relationship with him. I know you're hurting too, but it must have been painful for him to be treated like that.

The best advice I can give is to learn from these mistakes and try to get your own life, as an independent person, back on track before your husband causes any more disruption. Speak to him about the suspected affair, along with the other issues that are affecting your marriage, and if you need to end it, then end it. It will be easier in the long run.

Well what you do is don't do what your husband did to you. This is what we call karma and it sucks but it is what it is. You were furious with your husband cheating on you yet you chose to stay not once but twice and then you turn around and cheat on him.

This is not a fairytale world we live in, this is real life. If you don't want to be with your husband, damn the debt and just leave.

He's a sh_t addict? I'm trying to figure out what's been censored here, sorry lol.

she is self-censoring porn I believe.

You're correct..I didn't know if that word was allowed.

And thank you all for all of your advice. My husband has pretty much alienated me from having friends so I didn’t have anyone to turn to. I’m going to address those issues first and be a strong person for my daughter to see. I was trying to make the best situation for her and it just turned into a mess.

I think you are looking for more reasons/excuses to stay with your husband. I think you need to leave him, and focus on yourself, before you can be involved with someone else. I know you said the love of your life is being cold, but have you thought about how this has affected him? I'm sure he knew you were married when he got invovled, but did you promise to leave your husband? Maybe after a lot of broken promises he finally had enough and got tired of waiting?

Like leavendardove said, people file for bankruptcy and get divorced all of the time. It's really time for you to get out of your marriage, debt or no debt. Maybe the love of yoru life will still be single and willing to take you back, but you shouldnt' be focusing on that, but instead on you and your daughter.