Would you stay with someone who...

...says that they're 80% happy in the relationship, not 100%. And that you're not the full package but your good points overcome the bad?

This is pretty much what my boyfriend told me a few nights ago. We were planning on moving in together, he's already in the new place but after a fight last weekend (we rarely raise our voices to each other so this was our first real argument) he brought up how he's not sure if we're that compatible. He still claims he loves me though?? Why would you tell someone that you love that they're not "all that". When I asked if there was anything I could do to make things better or compromise he told me no.

Well, definitely don't think I should move in him at the very least.

I'd date casually, but certainly not move in with them. Probably a good time to date others. Probably not going to be too hard to find someone with a better opinion of you who doesn't feel they're just settling for you.

How long you been together for?

Well, definitely don't think I should move in him at the very least.

Agreed. You don't need someone who does this sort of passive-aggressive backhanding in your life. It's right up there with the Frenemy who tells you "I've always liked you in that dress even if it is several years old," or "No, I think your new haircut doesn't make all of your face look bad, just the chin area. But that's okay sort of anyways." Tell him to get another placeholder relationship while you go find the real deal, you deserve someone who is with you 1,000 percent no matter what the circumstances.

How old are you? It sounds like he's getting cold feet on the moving in together thing... perhaps he thinks he is too young for a commitment like that?

I wouldn't move in with him at all until he is sure he wants you as a permanent partner.

and it's really kind of rude what he told you... if he won't at least tell you what is missing in that 20%, it's kind of mean to say that to you because it will affect your self confidence and make you wonder what the heck is wrong.

I agree that most people who are in love and sure enough to make a commitment big enough to live together shouldn't have any doubts. And i would never live with anyone until they proposed and we had a date planned because otherwise you get trapped in the 'live in' limbo where he may never marry you, and dump you years down the road for someone else.

And i would never live with anyone until they proposed and we had a date planned because otherwise you get trapped in the 'live in' limbo where he may never marry you, and dump you years down the road for someone else.

Yeah, because getting married makes it impossible for him to leave you.

Have another conversation with him when you've both cooled down. Find out what's bothering him. What you've written here is too general and vague to be actionable. Talk more and listen more.

It's pointless to try to work on the relationship when one of you is mad. You can't know which words that come out of his mouth are exaggerations and which are real issues to work on together. No relationship problem can be resolved by one person alone, in response to a bunch of strident complaints. Only a continuing conversation can actually change things for the better, not an argument.

>>Yeah, because getting married makes it impossible for him to leave you.

No, it doesn't, but i know tons of women who start living with a man thinking it is the next step on the way to marriage, only to be stuck for years in a live-in relationship when the man never intends to marry her or start a family... they're just hanging out and getting the bennies of marriage with none of the commitment and no pressure to have kids yet because they keep saying, 'wait, first let's get married then we'll have kids after that. They use marriage as a 'gate' to control the situation and prevent moving on to the next stage of life which is having children.

So living together is a 'faux' commiment in many cases, where the woman thinks it means they're close to engagement and marriage and she's just waiting for him to propose, and man either doesn't want to marry at all, or doesn't want to marry her, or doesn't want to marry for the next 15 years or more so the woman wastes a lot of time on what she thinks is a serious commitment.

Research has shown that people who live together first are less likely to get married and stay together than those who don't live together first. So just because he's willing to move in with you doesn't necessarily mean he sess you as a 'keeper' or that he intends to marry you and make that deeper commitment. it means you're 'good enough for now' and he gets to have someone in his bed every night and someone to split the rent with.. i may mean nothing more than that though the woman may see it as the 'next stop' to a permanent commitment.

All of this can be avoided if the two are in a mature relationship where they actually talk about things instead of assuming things. There's no "trap" or "live-in limbo". If a person assumes that living together = one step closer to marriage that is no one's fault except that person's for assuming things. If one of the parties wants to get married, and views living together as a pretense to that happening, then that person should have a talk with their SO to make sure they're both on the same page.

The reality is that a lot of people, female or male, view living together as exactly that -- sharing a home. And that's the way it should be viewed because that's all it really is.

Also, HeatherB brought up an excellent point. Who knows if what he said was even true or if it was just the anger talking due to them having their first real fight. A conversation when both parties have cooled down would be the way to go about this. But instead, once again everyone rushes to tell someone to leave the relationship. It's a sad sight to see that is so common on this forum. I get the feeling that no one thinks conflicts can or should be resolved and that relationships can or should be worked on.

So.....you two were planning on moving in together, a fight ensues or moreso your first "real" fight, he then suddenly decides that your two aren't compatible enough and doesn't want to compromise or at least try to meet in the middle? Arguing and fighting are part of the relationship package. It sounds like he's flaking out and coming up with excuses not to move in.

Don't move in with him.

You know why?

"Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free"---> don't become that cow.

i wouldn't move in with him.

did he tell you what 20% he is not happy with?

I would not move in and think about ending it all together. I mean seriously, ***????

I am with LikeWater. If you're dumb enough to move in while silently expecting marriage, then don't be surprised when it falls through. That's just called bad communication.

It's sad that marriage is seen as some "ultimate goal" that you have to bribe or push a man into. Hint: if he's not chomping at the bit to get married and make fetuses with you, stop wasting your time. I don't get why there are so many women in this position. Do they all have bad communication or what?

Now OP, he sounds like he doesn't want to move in. He's getting cold feet. I would not move in with him now if at all. What he said was really mean and hurtful. Everyone has problems in relationships and no relationship is perfect but what he said was hurtful.

I am with LikeWater. If you're dumb enough to move in while silently expecting marriage, then don't be surprised when it falls through. That's just called bad communication.

 

It's sad that marriage is seen as some "ultimate goal" that you have to bribe or push a man into. Hint: if he's not chomping at the bit to get married and make fetuses with you, stop wasting your time. I don't get why there are so many women in this position. Do they all have bad communication or what?

 

Now OP, he sounds like he doesn't want to move in. He's getting cold feet. I would not move in with him now if at all. What he said was really mean and hurtful. Everyone has problems in relationships and no relationship is perfect but what he said was hurtful.

I agree 100%

He doesn't really want to move in with you so he was passive aggressive about it and came up with some lame excuse about how you two arent compatible just because of an argument. What a coward. Dont be his 20%

80% that's a pretty big slap in the face if a girl said that to me instantly dumped. I know that's a pretty hard move but that means that they aren't happy in the relationship.

Best move talk about it and bring up the comment.

>>but after a fight last weekend

He told her this AFTER the fight, not during. there's a big difference between, 'You make me so mad when you spend your money buying $7 cups of coffee every day then are short when it's time to pay the rent and expect me to cover it' and 'You're only 80% of what i want and there's nothing you can do to fix/change the other 20% so i don't think we're compatible.' One is a disagreement/difference that needs talking out and can be easily fixed, and the other is an expression of discontentment and doubt about the relationship itself.

Given that it was right before she was supposed to move in, it's an ominous statement. I don't think everyone is tellilng her to drop him instantly, but she needs to definitely not spend her time and money and heart moving in with him when he's expressed that he's not sure they'll make it and there's nothing she can do to fix that. She could try with him for a while to see if he changes his mind, but moving in with him would be foolhardy when he's just expressed serious doubts about the relationship and told her he thinks it is unfixable.

Thank you so much everyone for your responses! I kept it quite vague for the sake of anonymity and to save a wall of backstory but here we are...

We have been together for almost 1 and a half years, I'm 25 he's just turned 24.

It's interesting that people think he's the one getting cold feet, when usually it's me that slams on the brakes. For months he's been saying he's wanted me closer to him (there was a 50 miles between us, I didn't own a car at the time and our shifts usually conflicted), how our "next step" is living together and becoming a bigger part of each other's lives. A few weeks ago when I was round he jokingly asked what I would say if he proposed to me the next day because he was thinking that far ahead into the future.

Maybe the fight hurt his ego so he was bringing things up in anger, like others have suggested, however this conversation was about a week afterwards so he seemed to be sitting on those thoughts. The fight was about my handling of getting my new car repaired. This is my first car and needed new tyres, however the garage said there were other problems and the car wasn't road worthy. Feeling on the spot, my Dad and I okayed the work to go ahead. Expensive but it meant the car was usuable that weekend. When I told my boyfriend this he blew up saying I should have gone back the the original dealership becuase there was still a few days left on the warranty, I was doing everything wrong etc. I am a very nervous driver and have been forcing myself to get back on the road. I already hadn't driven the thing for a week and taking it back to the dealership would mean waiting another few days (I had back to back shifts all weekend) and an hour's drive on my own (not used to long stretches by myself yet). I blew up at him back, with swearing, that I felt I couldn't put a foot right with him and that he pressures me - the main reason for buying the car was so I could move in with him and commute to my currrent place of work. Things felt very "you must do it this way, that way".

He's not great with words. I'm more of a bookworm, went to uni but he admits to hate reading and studying. I thought this wouldn't be an issue but seems to affect how we relate to each other. I've tried to talk to him about being passive-aggressive before (petty things like not putting any kisses at the end of texts when he's annoyed with me); he didn't even know what the term meant. So perhaps he didn't realise how cruel his words would be? The 20%, what I've managed to get out of him anyway, are shallow things like wearing make up more often, dressing girlier, being more spontaneous with sex. He's said that those sort of girls were who he was attracted to in the past but they tend to come at a cost. His last girlfriend slept with other men, texted them to set up more encounters and he caught her out. But to say I can't change any of those things hurts. I am comfortable without make up and I guess recently I haven't been making an effort when we meet up. General hygiene is fine I'm just not always in the mood to get dolled up then spend 2 hours on a sweaty crowded bus! My underwear is too boring. Again, I like dressing up but I'm not doing it just heading to work or whatever (would usually see him after my shifts).

He agrees these things are superficial and don't have any meaning at all. He even said today that I shouldn't have taken it seriously and that he was only saying things as they came to mind. So, a lot of contradictory stuff.

My opinion is a little different than everyone else's so far.

I would probably agree with him. Are any of us 100% happy with our partners? I would say, every guy I've dated, is probably in the 80/20 range. I was happy with 80% of the relationship, but there was 20% that I felt needed some work. That doesn't mean I didn't love any of those guys, it just meant that there were some things that drove me bonkers about them sometimes. I was always able to overlook those things because of the 80% of the relationship that was great.

Having said that - it was wrong of him to say that to you. It was a low blow, and it sounds like he only said it to upset you. I wouldn't necessarily rethink moving in because of his 80/20 opinion, but I may reconsider it because I don't like when people can't control their emotions during arguments.

"Having said that - it was wrong of him to say that to you. It was a low blow, and it sounds like he only said it to upset you. I wouldn't necessarily rethink moving in because of his 80/20 opinion, but I may reconsider it because I don't like when people can't control their emotions during arguments."

I agree with this. I would not move in with him unless you are engaged with a wedding date. If you want to live closer to him and like that area anyway, get your own place (or he can move closer to you and get his own place).

Lavender dove, as usual, is spot on. Research does show that shacking up is more likely to produce a divorce than those who didnt. It's a fact. That is if it ever moves to marriage. People now days don't want to see it, but it's true. What incentive does anybody have to marry anyone else if they get the exact same " benefits" and can walk away for free in comparison. I know the op isn't asking this exact question, but it is something to think about.

Op, think long and hard. Mine used to say stuff like " something's missing and I can't put my finger on it". I stayed bc I loved him and thought we could work it out. He crushed me when he called it off after 3.5 years and let a new woman move in. 3.5 weeks later. Not saying your would.....just saying be careful.

I wouldn't rush into moving in with him...especially if he came out and said he questions compatibility overall.

Move in together because your relationship is ready for that, you're both focusing on the same goals, and you know what you want out of your futures [careers, marriage, family, etc]

Don't do it out of convenience. That's a big no no.

If he's questioning compatibility, sit down and talk about your futures overall. Its very easy to get into the living together trap with no plans for the future. And while I don't always believe that living together before marriage is a set up for divorce, I think its because many people ASSUME rather sit down and TALK about the future.

I moved in with my husband because we knew marriage was in the near future [we had been together 5 years at that point]. We had discussed at length our plans, futures, timelines, etc...and 6 months after moving in together he popped the question and we were married a year later.

We knew where the other person stood, and there was no doubts or questions.

If this was your first REAL fight after 1.5 years together, there's a lot of growth that can be done here..both as people and a couple. My husband went through a lot of changes maturity wise from 24-30.

Here's the thing... when I'm in love, I love him when he's got a little gut, or he doesn't shave on weekends, or he loves to wear a baseball cap that makes him look goofy. His touch still thrills me and I can't wait to get into bed with him.

I would not go farther into a relationship when he suggests that the 20% he doesn't like is related to sexual attraction and your looks. And then he stacks on top of it that there's nothing you can do to fix that, i.e., even if you spruced up he'd still not be attracted. The point there is that sex is the one thing you MUST share with each other that you can't share with others unless you agree to an open relationship. So every time he does see a woman he considers 'hot' he wishes he was with her rather than you. And then it becomes just a matter of time before he meets a hot woman who he also thinks has your other good qualities and he dumps you like a hot rock and doesn't look back.

My experience is that if he is in love with the total package, it wouldn't occur to him to say something like that to you. I can say that those who I really loved i would take in any condition at all and still be attracted to them. And I've dated one incredibly attractive man whom all my friends swooned over but who had a different sexual 'style' than mine and whose looks weren't my 'type' and the relationship eventually ended out of sheer boredom and realizing i wasn't enjoying sex with him and it wouldn't get any better.

I also find it telling that he got enraged over the car thing. It was your car, your father, and he flipped out over the money it would cost. That makes me think he is seeing this living together as a FINANCIAL advantage to him and he's already counting your money as 'his' money and he doesn't want you 'wasting' money he feels entitled to be spent on him and his goals rather than on your safety. And if i loved someone, i wouldn't suggest that they drive even one mile in an unsafe car and would tell you you made the right decision because you would be precious to me and not worth risking. Instead he's dwelling on the MONEY and not your safety. Another sign that he doesn't love you as much as he should.

I think what happens in young people is they often drift into these 'live-in' relationships without as much thought as they should because they see them as financially beneficial and 'convenient' in terms of sharing costs and expenses and allowing themselves more money becuase they are splitting the rent etc. But they also don't see them as permanent, and know they can walk away relatively unscathed if they don't like it or find someone they like better. Then they just move you out and the new person in.

So unless he is talking marriage in the NEAR future and showing signs that he is so in love he can't envision himself with someone else, don't do it. And he IS envisioning himself with someone else, 'better looking' girls that he sees as high maintenance but he still wants one when it comes time to settling down and has made that clear to you by telling you he's just not feeling that with you.

So sadly i think this is probably a case where you see him as a keeper and a permanent commitment, and he's seeing you as convenient but not his type enough to warrant marriage. I would NOT move in with him under those circumstances. I think it will end badly for you and you'll waste a few years and end up with him dumping you eventually when he does meet his 'type' and he thinks she is also nice enough in addition to her looks.

Further to what Lavenderdove wrote what I learned was that it's not about making a list of pros and cons to decide whether to stay in a relationship -when you do feel comfortable (or "right") with the person it doesn't occur to you to break that person up into attributes or pros and cons. Sure, if you argue you might need to remind yourself about the reasons why you're with the person but when you're deciding whether to commit I don't think it comes into play. I'm all for a combination of head and heart when deciding whether to commit but pros-cons starts to veer too much towards the technical type of "logical" and probably veers that way because the heart isn't in the right place.

btw, one other thing i just noticed. You were 50 miles apart, and he expected you to move to be nearer to him and you had to buy a car for a longer commute. Notice how that is all convenient for HIM but at your expense. He's not wanting you living with him because he loves you, he's having you do this becuase it is more CONVENIENT for him and you now have to the one to own a car and drive a long way 5 days a week.