Would you stay with someone who...

[hidden_kitten]

Thanks again all. Well, after saying that I shouldn't take what he said about me seriously, he's now saying that all the doubts he's having are MY fault for my outburst about the car. He says he felt threatened when I snapped and says he thought I was going to hit him. I asked him why he would think that and he says me shouting brought up old memories of his ex who would hit him and put him down. I completely agree that I should never have snapped like I did and need to find better ways of expressing my problems to him, but now I feel like I'm on eggshells and the slightest thing I do wrong he'll walk. He's given me speeches about "you only get one chance".

 

We were originally meant to relocate up north where there are better job opportunities for both of us, but his transfer fell through so we decided to meet in the middle of our current hometowns until something else came up. He has a longer commute now too and his car is less economical then mine, so he does have more expenses too. He's also complaining that without me in the flat he can't afford it, however he has refused to show me the terms of the lease and what we need to do if we break it. I have offered to advertise for a flatmate for him or pay him a reduced rent to help him out (after all this flat was my decision too, put it down to another expensive mistake) but he says he feels guilty taking the money from me.

 

So, we're at a stalemate. I'm going round tonight so at least we can speak face to face and start retrieving my things.

[lavenderdove]

>>however he has refused to show me the terms of the lease and what we need to do if we break it.

 

OK, that makes no sense if he was asking you to move in with him, to not even let you know what the lease was about. At this point don't offer to pay anything at all. If he doesn't want you to move in, then don't... it is better to end this now if he's not willing to work with you to resolve this.

[tattoobunnie]

My mother has raised me on the 80/20 principle, like if you love 80% of your SO, then you're golden. The other 20% is like he leaves his socks on the floor all the time, or is cheap when it comes to home repairs, or he pays bills late. Your partner and yourself will ebb and flow in life, grow, evolve, change, the 20% is a great buffer of room for many things. The only person that you will ever get along with 100% is yourself.

 

Back to the moving in issue - when a person says that you may not be compatible - it doesn't have anything to do with the 80/20 rule. You just may fundamentally not be right for each other - especially when it comes to issues with how you handle money, spend your leisure, long term goals, religion, etc. Don't move in with him until he "puts a ring on it" and you pick a date. At this point too much up in the air with him. I'm sorry this is happening, but based on the way you are fighting together, and how you both are responding, you may be dodging a bullet.

[SpottiOtti]

Lavenderdove and Gardnergirl, could you point me to the research you've read on people who live together not lasting as long as those who didn't before marriage? Since I am currently living with my BF and we are talking marriage, I'd like to examine the evidence.

 

OP - It sounds like your BF is sort of petty in arguments and says hurtful things. Have you decided for sure whether you're moving in or not?

[Fudgie]

I'd like to see this evidence too. From what I've read, this idea did hold true in the past. But current studies don't support it now. Most people cohabitate before marriage now.

 

I think it's something the older generation parrots because it supports their own personal or even moral idea of what other people should do.

[Heather Dawn]

My best friend dated a guy who said the exact same thing to her. She dumped him.

[Heather Dawn]

Lavender dove, as usual, is spot on. Research does show that shacking up is more likely to produce a divorce than those who didnt. It's a fact. That is if it ever moves to marriage. People now days don't want to see it, but it's true. What incentive does anybody have to marry anyone else if they get the exact same " benefits" and can walk away for free in comparison. I know the op isn't asking this exact question, but it is something to think about.

Op, think long and hard. Mine used to say stuff like " something's missing and I can't put my finger on it". I stayed bc I loved him and thought we could work it out. He crushed me when he called it off after 3.5 years and let a new woman move in. 3.5 weeks later. Not saying your would.....just saying be careful.

 

That's actually very outdated info. The latest findings show that it has no bearing on future divorce, whatsoever. Which makes sense since living together is essentially marriage without the certificate, anyway.

[Doc Blaze]

My ex said something like this...it was kinda a slap in the face..I would of stayed and worked on it but she is transferring school and we would of been LDR..im not going into a relationship with someone away at college when she isnt 100 percent sure about us...

[Hell_On_Heels]

he's now saying that all the doubts he's having are MY fault for my outburst about the car. He says he felt threatened

He's given me speeches about "you only get one chance".

he has refused to show me the terms of the lease and what we need to do if we break it.

 

I'm very sorry. Multiple red flags are down on this one.

 

You may have made him feel threatened emotionally, but he is a grown man, and is responsible for his own decisions and actions. Adults act, they don't react.

 

You only get one chance? Do you truly want to live with someone who isn't willing to forgive you for your mistakes? Who makes you feel as if you have to be perfect? Who can live under that kind of pressure?

What would you think of a person who would throw out a child who messed up twice, because they only get "one chance"? Aren't you every bit as valuable as a child? Don't you deserve as many chances to be human as you need?

 

He's refused to shows you the lease, but wants you to be responsible for it? Don't ever sign a contract without reading it, and don't trust someone who urges you to spend your money but not know the terms of it.

 

I am so sorry. This guy is coming accross as controlling, and that never works out well. Consider your own worth. You deserve more.