If relationships really take work, why does it seem like they just happen?

Supposedly relationships take work. I've heard. Never having been in one, from what I can see, people who aren't me just go through life, and relationships just happen, the way they're supposed to. I go through life, and they don't happen.

If it's so much work like I've heard, then why does it seem like everyone (including my **** of a sister) just goes through life and relationships just happen without effort? Is it really that much work? I don't think it is.

Why would I go through life and it doesn't happen, when others go through life and it does? Are some people just broken in that way where it won't happen no matter what?

Other people can get with friends. I loved a friend and it didn't work.

Does it really take work, or does it really just happen? I think it just happens, and I'm one of the unlucky people where it doesn't happen.

Relationships can just happen, sometimes it takes a bit of effort to get it going though. But ALL relationships take effort and work to keep them going.

The green light, the attraction, the initially meeting "just happens" - but keeping a relationship going for years takes work sometimes. It takes humility, it takes constantly working on your own stuff, etc, and communication.

So why would I have no green light/initial meeting, when everyone else does?

But it's not true that "everyone else" does. Many people don't, especially not at the time that is supposed to be "typical" according to society/culture (i.e. teens/20s, maybe the latest by early 30s). And that initial meeting can happen many times over but if you're not in the right mindset to be open to taking it beyond an initial meeting or you feel attracted but make excuses to yourself about not following up, then you end up missing the opportunity. And the whole negative mindset is a waste of time and self-sabotaging. There are always ways to be envious about what others have -or, more importantly, what you perceive them to have. That will just sap your energy and become part of the negative energy you give out to the world.

I do think some people are broken in a way that obstructs relationships from either happening, or moving forward. I don't like the term "broken" for people, though.

And I'm not saying this is an issue for you, because I don't know.

And I'm also an optimistic in my heart of hearts, in my core, and believe change is possible for most anyone.

My way of seeing things is that people follow patterns. Some people naturally, and with conditioning, fall into relationships. Some people pursue them actively. Some people view it as pure luck, like gambling, and will roll the dice more often on odds that other people may not. Some people actually work hard to repel relationships - they almost end up feeling run over when a relationship potential smacks them in the face, and it has to smack them in the face for them to pay attention.

My point is there are so many factors in why some people seem to find relationships easier than others. There's no pat answer.

Well, I'm 28 and never dated or done anything so yes, something is very wrong. I have been in love with someone which just makes it harder. It would be easier if I never felt anything for anyone, but I have felt something for many people and still nothing's happened.

Oh they take work, but when couples are out in public or around other people they are not going to talking about why one person always leaves wet towels on the floor, or why the other person tells their mom everything, or whatever else might be going on.

"I never leave wet towels on the floor anymore 'cause dreams last for so long, even after you're gone. I know you love me and soon you will see you were meant for me, and I was meant for you."

Sorry, couldn't resist.

I guess I should have specified that I meant just to get a relationship, not to keep it going. I know THAT takes work.

You never know when or where you are going to meet that person that you'll end up dating, at least in my experience, every guy I've ended up dating came through a spontaneous meeting, whether it be being in a class together, meeting through a friend, etc. I was never actively "looking" for someone to date, it just happened that I met them and it clicked. That is how it seems like they just "happen". But relationships definitely take work, or at least a serious LTR does. Both partners have to be committed and willing to make compromises for each other in order to make them work in the long-term

So what does it mean when you're 28 and nothing has happened? : (

So why would I have no green light/initial meeting, when everyone else does?

Not everyone else does. I would stop the pity party and try to be constructive in analyzing yourself, your situation, the men you are interested and see where there is room for you to grow or for a situation to change.

So what does it mean when you're 28 and nothing has happened? : (

Don't be discouraged. Not everybody has those "moments". Try going to different places to meet more guys, go to more social events or parties, etc. so you can open up more opportunities. Also, confidence is one of the most attractive attributes that you can have, so don't go out with a negative attitude

I think actually starting a relationship is easy (for me) but keeping it going is hard. People break up all the time over stupid things. It's hard to be continually close to someone over a long period of time. It involves a lot of openness, honesty, vulnerability, etc. It takes a lot of effort.

I think you may be doing certain things that have made it so you haven't found someone. Maybe you aren't going out enough, maybe you are looking in the wrong places, maybe you exude a negative attitude or something. All of these can be fixed.

I know for me, I'm quite overweight, very plain Jane, NOT really that feminine at all (only time my boyfriend has seen me in a dress was at a funeral...and he has known me for 7 years!), and I have a very strong personality that may be rather offputting to some. I have been in a few LTRs and have had guys interested in me that I liked, so you don't have to be gorgeous or absolutely amazing. No one is perfect, really.

I don't have an answer, but I get where you're coming from. Everybody talks about their relationship history as if it's this natural thing that just happens as you grow up, like losing your baby teeth or getting your first job. You look around and get to know folks and even the weirdest and most introverted people seem to have had some sort of relationship experiences. Then you look at your own life and wonder how you came up empty-handed. It's as if we missed the year when everybody got on that boat and left for normal lives. We go about our work/school/hobbies, and do everything we're supposed to do, yet nothing happens. Despite getting up and making an effort every single day, there's. just. nobody. Sex, love, romance, kissing, holding hands, even just hugging... none of that exists. It's all some big dumb myth. What the heck, eh?

It's "just happened" for me once in my life, and while that faded after a couple years of off and on, I cling to that experience as a beacon of hope that it can happen again. It's really the only thing that keeps me going sometimes.

Well, I'm 28 and never dated or done anything so yes, something is very wrong. I have been in love with someone which just makes it harder. It would be easier if I never felt anything for anyone, but I have felt something for many people and still nothing's happened.

On the flip side, there are plenty of people who have had many relationships but never felt love for anyone. In other words, they get into relationships because it is the "in thing to do" and because they want sex...but they are not in it for love.

Or some people have had many relationships but never had someone actually love them.

Being in a relationship does not tell the whole story...it does not tell about the feelings of both people in the relationship and whether or not that relationship is successful behind closed doors when there is no audience to try to put on a show for.

So basically I should just accept it and be alone for the rest of my life. Okay.

Relationships are always a work in progress. There is nothing easy about them. I have been with my husband for 24 years, married for almost 19 of them. It is always changing and becoming something different and you have to work at the progress. There is ZERO that is easy about it. If you want your relationship to work you BOTH have to want it to work and you both have to put your head down and plow through the work necessary.

So if you can't get a relationship in the first place, you should...?

Sure you can. You've just convinced yourself you can't. I am sure if you stop the negative self talk you WILL find one.

28 years of nothing isn't exactly convincing.

Really hun, it is your attitude that stinks and the longer you keep it the longer your problems are going to get. Change the tude and the self talk and I bet your life will change.

So basically I should just accept it and be alone for the rest of my life. Okay.

Really? That's how you're taking this - no one ever actually said that you know. You have a terrible attitude right now but I'm not judging you for it - I understand. You're in some kind of vicious cycle of insecurity. The longer it is taking you to find someone, the more negative you are about it and the more negativity you show the less likely you are to find someone. There's 7 billion people in this world so it's hard to understand why we ever get lonely, but we do. I know some people aren't into this but have you tried online dating? Even if it's just to chat and flirt with someone to get your confidence up. You seem to value yourself based on your romantic life which is sending you into a hole.

That being said, I'm sure if I'd have been looking for a relationship and kept failing to find one my confidence would drop. Can you not go out with your friends to bar just to at least meet someone, or is that too cliche? Either that or try online chatting with someone, I wouldn't have suggested it if I thought it beneath me - I think it's nice to get a little romantic attention even if it's just over the internet.

I don't really have friends.