If relationships really take work, why does it seem like they just happen?

[Moontiger]

uhhh...that's what therapists are for. Getting to know someone isn't all about you and dumping your emotional baggage onto someone else...it's about getting to know other people by asking them questions about themselves, aka "small talk". NO ONE (not even you) wants a complete stranger to walk up to them and open up with "oh, hey, Im Cadmium, my dad died, my best friend abandoned me, I was abused". Yeah, no thanks. People get paid big bucks to listen to that stuff off the bat.

 

Agreed. OP, you come off as pretty self-centered. You emotion, your thoughts, you preferences are all that matters to you. Then you get upset when you have to put yourself out there for others. This is why you are not connecting with people.

[Cheetarah]

Cad, as someone who used to have like no social filter at all(I could tell my life story to anyone with a 20 yard radius, as long as they were willing to listen), all it does is scare people away. The intensity right off the bat is too much. I used to take this as a personal rejection until it started happening to ME - And because I had that extra sensitivity, I was able to heave it on my shoulders for awhile until I felt how utterly draining it was, plus it gave off a REALLY false sense of intimacy. I don't know this person, not even their last name or if they have pets, but I know they were in a string of abusive relationships, had a child at 13, etc etc etc. Instant intimacy is frightening. I crave it(emotional intimacy) very much, but I've learned over time and through trial and error that it's best served in small doses, and the friendships I have since built or nurtured are SO MUCH BETTER and healthier off this way. In instant intimacy, there's this dramatic bond that's easily severed just as quickly as it was built - Because there was no real investment there. Reveal over time. If you honestly feel like you have nothing to talk about other than these core things, you need to simultaneously see a professional while creating and cultivating new interests. Your life can't revolve around your problems.

[Moontiger]

Just wondering how you would feel is someone at wal-mart come through your line and said: "So I went to the doctor and they found this rash, its has some puss to. My mom is an alcoholic and I have this weird fetish where I like my butt tickled with a feather."

 

You don't talk about these things with people you don't know well.

[greywolf]

What I dislike about small talk are the parameters created. It's a block in communication.

 

I'm not allowed to say, hey, my dad died, my ex best friend I was in love with abandoned me, I was abused. That's why I hate small talk. I have to hide scars. I have to hide everything. Blah blah weather and sports oh how are you today lalala and ****, ****, ****. **** **** **** ladedaaa.

 

How would you feel if some stranger approached you and started telling you about how their dad died last week, and that they were abused as a child? I'm going to go out on a limb and say that it would make you uncomfortable.

[Ms Darcy]

I could tell you have social anxiety issues before you wrote it. A LOT of people with poor social skills are attracted to ena.

 

Therapy is all I can say. Therapy.

[cadmiumblue]

Therapy did not help me.

 

And yes, I know the rules say you can't talk about that stuff. So it's easier to just say nothing. No I am not self centered, but I prefer realness. I always preferred realness.

 

That's what I loved about my ex best friend. I told her crazy things when we first met but she didn't judge me and she didn't run away. I'm scared I'll never find someone like her again.

[cadmiumblue]

But apparently saying nothing makes people uncomfortable too, so allow me to practice. Oh stupid vapid football and other useless piece of **** sports. Weather, wow, it's raining it's snowing it's blah blah blahhhhhhh. Oh, so...school happened. How interesting. Blah blah blah.

 

Wow, can't imagine a better conversation. How fun.

[Fudgie]

So ask people about their interests?

 

You aren't limited to football and weather.

[Ms Darcy]

What are you looking to get out of this thread? You are seeking advice from people who, for the most part, have had relationships and think they are great. You are getting one-sided responses.

[cadmiumblue]

I don't even know what that means.

 

I HATE **** talk. I mean small talk.

[cadmiumblue]

What are you looking to get out of this thread? You are seeking advice from people who, for the most part have had relationships and think they are great. You are getting one-sided responses.

 

I just want someone to tell me it's okay to be anxious talking to people I don't know, it's okay to hate small talk, and it would be great if people could stop putting up walls of this is okay this is not okay. I HATE that. No other species does that crap. Like birds. Birds just communicate, it's all okay. They don't say "oh, you can't say this, you can only say that." They can just BE. I wish I belonged to a species that can just be. But I don't.

[Fudgie]

So then don't small talk...?

 

I don't really know where you're going with this or what you're looking for here on ENA.

[Ms Darcy]

it's okay to be anxious talking to people I don't know, it's okay to hate small talk, and it would be great if people could stop putting up walls of this is okay this is not okay.

[Fudgie]

I just want someone to tell me it's okay to be anxious talking to people I don't know, it's okay to hate small talk, and it would be great if people could stop putting up walls of this is okay this is not okay. I HATE that. No other species does that crap. Like birds. Birds just communicate, it's all okay. They don't say "oh, you can't say this, you can only say that." They can just BE. I wish I belonged to a species that can just be. But I don't.

 

It's okay to be anxious. You probably have social anxiety

 

It's okay to hate small talk.

 

It's not okay to hate people and be mean and snub people at your job just because they asked you a simple question.

[cadmiumblue]

You don't really believe that, though. You're just saying it.

[cadmiumblue]

It's okay to be anxious. You probably have social anxiety

 

It's okay to hate small talk.

 

It's not okay to hate people and be mean and snub people at your job just because they asked you a simple question.

 

The reason I hated people asking me if I had a rough day is that they weren't genuinely concerned about me having a difficult day.

 

They were saying "your sad-face is dropping a cloud into my perfect day. Smile, you stupid *****. Before I get your manager."

[Fudgie]

I myself hate small talk. My boyfriend and I didn't return through small talk. So no I'm not just saying that.

 

I used to have social anxiety. I know what it's like to be anxious talking to people. It's okay.

 

What is not okay is being hateful and treating people poorly for no reason.

[cadmiumblue]

I was talking to the person who copied what I said word for word.

[Ms Darcy]

You don't really believe that, though. You're just saying it.

 

Part of having relationships is accepting others - and accepting that they have a different mind from you. If you can't accept others people in general for their needs and thoughts, they cannot accept you.

[cadmiumblue]

Okay, thanks.

[Fudgie]

The reason I hated people asking me if I had a rough day is that they weren't genuinely concerned about me having a difficult day.

 

They were saying "your sad-face is dropping a cloud into my perfect day. Smile, you stupid *****. Before I get your manager."

 

You previously wrote that a customer said" rough day?" when you were a cashier and you were mad about that and ignored that person.

 

It's your job. You grin and bear it sometimes. That's just called being professional. I have to deal with very angry, sick, mentally ill, and downright nasty patients at my job. I've been assaulted and spat on in the ER. You have to treat them with respect and yes, even smile and be kind. That's what I do and it makes things better, usually.

[cadmiumblue]

So what exactly was the point of copying out what I said word for word?

[cadmiumblue]

You previously wrote that a customer said" rough day?" when you were a cashier and you were mad about that and ignored that person.

 

It's your job. You grin and bear it sometimes. That's just called being professional. I have to deal with very angry, sick, mentally ill, and downright nasty patients at my job. I've been assaulted and spat on in the ER. You have to treat them with respect and yes, even smile and be kind. That's what I do and it makes things better, usually.

 

Okay. But if I'm having a bad day and I don't feel good, I don't need someone coming along and reminding me that I only exist to give them a fake smile. The smile's fake, anyway, I don't know why they want it so much. lol.

[cadmiumblue]

Yes, typically people who asked me if I was having a rough day were ignored. Because what they were really saying was that I was not doing as they wanted me to do.

[annie24]

i haven't read the whole thread, but my 2 cents is that 1 - yes, there is an element of luck involved. meeting the right person at the right time. for some people it is very easy for others not so much.

 

2. yes, relationships require a lot of work, and they don't necessarily work out, just look at the divorce rate.