If relationships really take work, why does it seem like they just happen?

[cadmiumblue]

Okay, thank you for that advice, mhowe. I'll take it under consideration.

 

PetiteGirl, you are amazingly strong for being able to live through all of that, and you are an inspiration to me. Thank you for what you've said, I appreciate it so much.

[becomingkate]

I'm actually not a lesbian, but I guess it's not super important to correct anyone. I've been rejected by women. I've been rejected by men. What happened with my friend was just the most heartbreaking and significant thing that shaped me.

 

Obviously I know I have problems and I need help, but if I can avoid medication, I really would like to try that. I really don't want stuff in my body that doesn't belong there.

 

To penelope: "cadmium blue" is me mocking a paint color I found at an art store called cadmium red. It doesn't really have that deep a meaning.

 

Sure, artists are great.

 

I still don't like small talk. I'm sure I've done it subconsciously (because other people have a way of roping one into it), but I don't enjoy it.

 

For me it's all or nothing.

 

You have quite a bit of black and white thinking. Have you ever spoken to a doc about any of these issues? He may not put you on meds, most of the time it's one on one, or group therapy.

 

My experience in this has to do with several family members, including myself, that have mild personality disorder traits. I've been very lucky in that I don't have to take any anti-depressants, but I think a lot of that has to do with age and mellowing out.

 

Over the last fifteen years I've spoken with a lot of professionals regarding myself, my immediate family and those in my husband's extended family, and this thread put me in mind of my cousin, who has a High Conflict Personality.

 

Here's a description of that:

 

High conflict personalities are people who demonstrate certain personality patterns:

 

1. Rigid and uncompromising, repeating failed strategies

2. Unable to heal or accept a loss

3. Negative emotions dominate their thinking

4. Won't reflect on their own behavior

5. Can't empathize with others

6. Preoccupied with blaming others

7. Won't accept any responsibility for problems or solutions

 

Link: link removed

 

And a description:

 

...they have great difficulty seeing things through the eyes of others and they are extremely reluctant to take responsibility in their lives or to accept blame when things go wrong. They tend to be emotional, aggressive, mistrustful and controlling. They easily see themselves as victims, and they are extremely resistant to acknowledging that they may have contributed, in even the smallest way, to making a situation difficult.

 

For people with HCP, the world appears in black and white. Others are either with them or against them. They have little or no insight into their own behavior, and they are easily threatened by interpretations of behaviors that do not comport with their own worldview. Often, they are termed “chronic blamers.”

 

Here's that link:

 

link removed

 

It might seem like you'll never connect with anyone, but the best way to actually find (and keep) someone is to work on yourself first. Then it becomes easier to find friends, have conversations, and just be at peace with who you are.

 

Even if you never attend therapy, it would be helpful to look closely at some of your personality traits and commit to changing things into positive things, little by little, each day. Commit to thanking someone for something they've done. Commit to saying hello to a neighbour. Put change in someone's parking meter and don't tell anyone. These positive things will add up, you'll feel good about yourself, it will show on your face. People are attracted to that.

 

BTW, my husband will ask a Wal-Mart cashier, "Rough day?" and they nod. Then he'll ask, "Why did the tomato blush?" and they shake their head.

 

"Because she saw the salad dressing."

 

I've heard this at least a dozen times, and they laugh every time.

[cadmiumblue]

I don't believe that description is entirely accurate. I have some of those traits, definitely not all of them.

[mhowe]

I don't believe that description is entirely accurate. I have some of those traits, definitely not all of them.

 

 

 

Seriously? That is all you have to say after she went to the effort to help?

 

And for the record, she was talking about her cousin not you. However, from your "persona" on this forum....this is you.

[cadmiumblue]

No. I have a few of those traits, I will admit, but not all of them. I know myself.

[cadmiumblue]

I would actually not laugh at the tomato joke--but I guess it doesn't matter, since from reading this thread you know that the conversation would not get to that point.

[cadmiumblue]

I'm curious...if the premise is that people who don't know you don't give a crap about you...then why was I expected to smile at strangers for my job?

[Fudgie]

Because it's part of being professional and kind to everyone, whether or not they give a crap about you.

 

It's part of your job.

[cadmiumblue]

Well, thank goodness I don't work there anymore.

[Fudgie]

It's true with any job that you have to interact with people. It's called being a kind human being. Not blowing people off.

 

I wouldn't consider not working there a relief if you're currently unemployed. That's not a good position to be in.

[cadmiumblue]

No, it definitely isn't good. But I won't lie. It feels good not having to go there and deal with that anymore.

 

There are jobs that don't involve people being rude to you.

[PetiteGirl]

 

PetiteGirl, you are amazingly strong for being able to live through all of that, and you are an inspiration to me. Thank you for what you've said, I appreciate it so much.

 

You're welcome. I got a feeling you're carrying the pain from your past and still haven't moved on. Feeling jaded and angry is part of the healing process, but I encourage you to talk to a professional. Usual a therapist will be able to teach you and give you the tools you need to start working on issues like social anxiety. If that's not feasible, try exercising like running or something. The reason I suggest this is because exercising can provide you the physical and mental clarity you'll need to figure out where you want to go from here. Remember, you deserve happiness and only you can do something about it. Don't give up, love will come through. It's just waiting for you to start somewhere.

[cadmiumblue]

Thanks.

 

Luckily I exercise five days a week and have actually lost 52 lbs in the past two years, so thankfully SOMETHING is going right in my life.

[PetiteGirl]

Well, that's excellent! What else is going all right in your life at the moment? I just want to get a better idea of what's going on. It's okay if you can't think of any, but if you're taking good care of yourself, that's always good. What do you like to do for fun?

[cadmiumblue]

Nothing, really. I left a really unsatisfying job nearly five months ago. So I don't work, I'm not in school anymore and really don't have much going on.

 

Oh god, that's the hard question. What I like to do for fun. I don't do very much for fun these days, in all honesty.

: (

[PetiteGirl]

Yeah, some jobs could leave people feeling pretty bad. I mean, do you have a dream job? Say if you have unlimited resources and time, what would you rather do for a living?

 

That's okay. Having feeling unsatisfied could take the fun out of someone. Maybe there's something new you've been wanting to try? Crafting jewelry, food or drinks maybe? Maybe list your favorite things. It could be random.

[cadmiumblue]

I'd like to earn a living as a full time freelance writer/blogger. That's my dream. Doing what I enjoy and getting paid for it. *sigh* But you can imagine how likely that is.

 

There are a lot of things I'd like to try...but money is the limiting factor, along with being kind of isolated.

[Batya33]

How often do you make yourself list at least 5 things you are grateful for that day? I do my best to do that every single day. I've done that in one form or another for the last 11 years (the other form was saying a short prayer of thanks and then thinking of at least three people who needed my positive thoughts/prayers that day - I still do that but mostly in the last few years focus on what I'm grateful for -with the result that I have a more positive outlook and I think it enhances my friendships and marriage).

[cadmiumblue]

Hmm. I notice your join date was a month before my ex friend left me.

[cadmiumblue]

Crap. Let me rephrase. No, I don't think of things I'm thankful for. I don't pray. I'm not religious.

[DieTeufelKatze]

I have been reading this, and your other threads (though haven't finished reading the others yet), and don't have much time before I need to leave for a class, but this Cherokee legend I read yesterday makes me think of your issue:

 

"An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. "A fight is going on inside me," he said to the boy.

 

"It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil - he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego." He continued, "The other is good - he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you - and inside every other person, too."

 

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?"

 

The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed.""

[cadmiumblue]

Batya, I apologize. I don't know why I wrote that. You're trying to help me and that was rude and unnecessary. I wasn't trying to be rude. It just seems I now see everything in relation to when my friend left me. Bush left office nearly three years after she left me. I graduated college, finally, four and a half years after she left me. I dropped out of college due to depression a year and a half after she left me.

[Deejmonster]

Crap. Let me rephrase. No, I don't think of things I'm thankful for. I don't pray. I'm not religious.

 

You dont have to be religious to pray.

 

Something you need to learn here. In order to fix yourself you need to be willing to do something about it. These changes that everyone is offering you are not hard. This is a place to seek advice and get help for the things that we are struggling with. The fact that you continue to to bite the hand that feeds you shows us that you are not ready to change. You are the sole reason for your unhappiness. Nobody else is going to be able to help you until you want to help yourself. You are ungrateful for all the wrong reasons. Life is not about the destination, its about the journey. A journey that can be transformed into anything that YOU want. You are choosing to be unhappy. Nobody is keeping you this way. Only you are. You have the power inside of you to do anything you want in life as long as you put your mind to it. We are here to help you and by continuing this pity party/fight you are only digging yourself into a hole. The fact that so many users on here have reached out to help you and you continue to rebuttal all the advice shows me that it is not us.. its you. So either buck up and make some changes or leave the forum to those to need and WANT help. Only then can we assist you in the right direction.

[cadmiumblue]

From your signature it would seem you know a bit of something about heartbreak.

 

You may not know this, but my former best friend broke my heart a long time ago. I'm still not over it. It's not that I'm ungrateful, but for whatever reason, my life is on a trajectory that isn't like other people's. No marriage. No job. No nothing. I'm 28 and most people my age have things. I have nothing. I don't even have a best friend anymore.

[Deejmonster]

Listen. I moved to another state last year after I graduated college. I had no friends, no life, I was dumped only weeks before moving out here by myself, and I had to start a new job. One year later... I have a job in which I am quickly losing interest in, I can barely pay my bills, I have one friend who I have met, and I have attempted to meet new girls to settle with since I have been out here. I manage to do my best everyday and I try to see the good in things where I can. You aren't the only one with this type of situation. My life is really really lame. I hate it.. but I have just decided that I want to change that. I am taking a captains course to learn to sail... why? because I can.. and I am going to.. and nobody is going to stop me... because its my life. If I want to eat 4 pizzas.. I am going to because I am in control of my life. You see where I am going with this? Your life is a blank canvas and you can do what ever you want with it. Your possibilities are endless. All you need in life is yourself. You never have nothing and if you do its because you are havent allowed yourself anything. Do something that makes you happy... Dont focus on other peoples' lives... focus on your own. Do what YOU want to do.