How long of a silent treatment do you give each other after a fight?

Hi! I'm curious to those who are in a long distant relationship. I got into an argument last Thursday with my boyfriend/ex-boyfriend [same person just don't know where we stand].

I already sent him a long text [probably 30 pages and it probably didn't go through] on Friday. I didn't talk to him until yesterday to thank him for sending my stuff that I needed to me by mail but he didn't respond and I told him I don't like this ignoring game he is playing and to answer.

This morning I sent him a letter apologizing for my actions. I decided if he doesn't respond in a few days, I'm moving on. If he does call in a few days, then I have to figure out what to say.

I'm just curious, after you got into a heated argument, how long do you guys not talk to each other? How do you know if the other person is not deciding to date other people after a heated argument? Or do you consider yourself single at this point?

Thanks!

This was HUGE issue with me and my recent ex. He would shut down when he was stressed..and not respond to my contact for days at a time. It is infuriating. I like to resolve things...or at least talk it over....so this sort of behavior baffles me. I know everyone is different..but the fact he did it even when I TOLD him it was hurtful just made me realize he didn't care about my feelings at all...needless to say he's my ex now. Ignorning someone is a very hurtful thing to do...just as hurtful as saying mean things.

This was HUGE issue with me and my recent ex. He would shut down when he was stressed..and not respond to my contact for days at a time. It is infuriating. I like to resolve things...or at least talk it over....so this sort of behavior baffles me. I know everyone is different..but the fact he did it even when I TOLD him it was hurtful just made me realize he didn't care about my feelings at all...needless to say he's my ex now. Ignorning someone is a very hurtful thing to do...just as hurtful as saying mean things.

I could understand if it takes one day to cool off or whatever. But if someone says thank you for you sending the stuff, shouldn't that reply as a you're welcome?

Anyway we are on Day 6 of ignore treatment. I said my final peace this morning in the letter.

For me, when I get into an argument, I had angry and I cool off, then apologize the next day.

At least I know how he reacts to his anger.

I should get tested for aids just in case this weekend.

I also had this problem with my EX!!!! Emphasis on the *EX*

The silent treatment is a form of CONTROL and MANIPULATION. I would NEVER be with someone who did this again. My current partner likes to face things head on, I like to take a few hours out to go for a drive, run errands, talk to a friend or whatever. But no silent treatment. It's the kiss of death as far as I'm concerned! I had to learn that the hard way unfortunately.

Whoa what? You guys got an argument and he ignored you so how does that lead to getting tested for aids?? Sorry besides the point, yes people need time to cool off, but everybody is different. For me I dont like going to bed angry at my SO. In the past I admit I do the silent treatment for a day or 2, yes immature but now I know thats not good communication in a relationship.

Whoa what? You guys got an argument and he ignored you so how does that lead to getting tested for aids?? Sorry besides the point, yes people need time to cool off, but everybody is different. For me I dont like going to bed angry at my SO. In the past I admit I do the silent treatment for a day or 2, yes immature but now I know thats not good communication in a relationship.

We had sex when we saw each other...I don't know if he was seeing someone else during our relationship. Some people cheat in their relationship. I questioned him that during our argument and he said no because I noticed the emotional distancing.

So what's the best thing to do?

I did everything I could already. So I'm giving him space. Focusing on myself. I don't know whether I should go ahead act Single right away or wait til Saturday.

I move on very fast. Just not sure if I should stay and hold on til Saturday and that's my answer. Or just move on because of the silent treatment.

I also had this problem with my EX!!!! Emphasis on the *EX*

 

The silent treatment is a form of CONTROL and MANIPULATION. I would NEVER be with someone who did this again. My current partner likes to face things head on, I like to take a few hours out to go for a drive, run errands, talk to a friend or whatever. But no silent treatment. It's the kiss of death as far as I'm concerned! I had to learn that the hard way unfortunately.

Ha ha, it's just when I was arguing him. I left in anger. But to be honest, I told him from the very beginning. Say what you want to say when we fight and express your anger. I'm not afraid. But to give a silent treatment, different story?

How ironic, he told me his ex gave him a silent treatment. LOL And now i'm being punished by a silent treatment.

I don't do silent treatment. What I have done is left to go for a walk or to the gym - at most for an hour. But I tell him I am going and why even if I am still mad and I don't do it to manipulate him -I need the space. It typically is enough time and when I return we usually talk more (maybe not right away but when we can).

My ex would ignore me for 2 months!! we dont live together.

This last one was my way out of it. I need to communicate no matter how big or huge the problem or issue might be.

Silent treatment was to punish you and place a sense of power or control over you. The least you get confused about the maturity levels of your partner. If you dont watch it you get bitter.

They try to manipulate situations and behaviors by inflicting you emotional pain.

And it is addictive!!

Needless to say that love and respect goes overboard when silent treatment comes in.

Shrug it off and get out. anybody becomes a better option,trust me.

nobody who does that to you loves you. Dont believe them.

Funny part is that instead of controlling you it draws you closer to other shoulders. Thats how it backfires.

LMAO So that means when he calls to get back with me I go "Oh...hi. How are you? To see me? I'm sorry, I found someone else better and willing not to give me the silent treatment for days whether it's a long distance or local relationship."

I don't do silent treatment. What I have done is left to go for a walk or to the gym - at most for an hour. But I tell him I am going and why even if I am still mad and I don't do it to manipulate him -I need the space. It typically is enough time and when I return we usually talk more (maybe not right away but when we can).

For me, I left his place. I didn't get home until midnight. He lives in a different state.

Interesting. I didn't expect this coming from an older adult who I believed has been more relationships than I have.

Oh, you dont have to fake a thing...if you get fed up with the silent treatment and need to vent out any shoulder is as good or better than your ex.

Problem is when that new or old shoulder starts becoming attractive to you because they can provide you with something you will never be able to get from your ex : human touch!!

Thats what I mean that "it backfires".

Silent treatment causes me to doubt my own feelings towards the other person and at the end you cant see any good in staying there.

Better times ahead.

I'm trying to figure out in my head how I would handle if he decides to contact me out of the blue.

Heck this is just our first fight.

I don't know. If I had feelings someone and they drove 2 hours just to see you and spend time with you, and didn't mind spending the night and getting up early in the morning, and especially it's late at night, I would want them to feel safe, so they are safe at night and don't get into a car accident. Looks like more feelings are stronger than his. I better come up better things to say when he does decide to contact and move on.

Lesson learned. Never see someone on a weekday in a long distant relationship.

If he decides to contact you then dont make my mistake : silent treatment isnt going anywhere, will always be there.

Another part of who you are.

Be careful.

Sure people can change or work on it...still, be careful.

What was your mistake? Ignoring him right back even though he started the game?

Sorry cheerio if I'm asking too many questions. I never dealt with this type of silent treatment of a silly argument only in breakups.

No silent treatment, ever. It is a killer of normal relationships and for a LDR it's just as deadly.

Cooling down is not the same thing as the silent treatment. You stop a fight to cool down because you're smart enough to know nothing productive is currently happening and things are just getting worse and you don't want that to happen, so instead you cool off in hopes that you can have a more successful attempt at the conversation later. The silent treatment is something grade school age kids do to punish each other.

No silent treatment, ever. It is a killer of normal relationships and for a LDR it's just as deadly.

Ha ha, yeah. Trying to fix that.

Cooling down is not the same thing as the silent treatment. You stop a fight to cool down because you're smart enough to know nothing productive is currently happening and things are just getting worse and you don't want that to happen, so instead you cool off in hopes that you can have a more successful attempt at the conversation later. The silent treatment is something grade school age kids do to punish each other.

It takes me a day to cool down so I can recollect with my mind and heart in other words, better things to say.

Is it that bad?

To be honest, I feel it's a silent treatment. I don't know if this is his way of a major cool down.

Ha ha I'm so using your statement when he decides to contact. Thanks!

Ha ha, my bad! Sorry! ;] People confuse me as a he instead of a she.

What do you mean, who got the same interest?

Ha ha yea I sent a long letter this morning. I said what I needed to say. It's not like I can't get the next guy in less than 5 minutes.

How long did the silent treatment last for you before the breakup?

Ha ha, I like long distant relationship. You get to meet different people.

Hopefully he does cool off and decides to contact me after reading a long long long letter. If not, not my fault, I moved on.

Cooling off : "John, lets take some days off, please. We both need to chill out. Let me call you. Take care".

Silent treatment : zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

 

Difference is notorious, cooling off still demands communication, no control/power struggle going on and everybody on the same page.

While the silent treatment is ostracism... F*** that !!! NEXT!!!!

LMAO!!! That's what my mom said to me when I called her.

Cooling of: Acknowledging that there needs to be space and time before you communicate...

Silent Treatment: when one party completely ignores or does not acknowledge any form of contact from the other party who makes attempts to communicate..this typically lasts for days at a time..sometimes weeks..with NO apology or explanations. F-that. It's totally wrong and even abusive in worse case scenerios.

Cooling of: Acknowledging that there needs to be space and time before you communicate...

 

Silent Treatment: when one party completely ignores or does not acknowledge any form of contact from the other party who makes attempts to communicate..this typically lasts for days at a time..sometimes weeks..with NO apology or explanations. F-that. It's totally wrong and even abusive in worse case scenerios.

Thank you for explaining the difference.

He did call me about my stuff but my phone was on vibrate and I didn't want to call him when it was already 1 AM. But I did end up sending a long text at 6 AM. I'm not sure it went through. But I did explain in the beginning that I sent him two texts yesterday and a letter today.

That was my last straw. The waiting game begins.

To be honest, now I see why a lot of people have more than one boyfriend or girlfriend sometimes before they got married. They didn't want to be focus one person.

Anything longer than 24 hours is unreasonable, in my opinion. The first 24 hours (or less) is about gaining perspective, thinking about the situation, sleeping on it (if you can), calming down, etc.

After 24 hours, it's a form of punishment.

I'm an adult, not a child. A partner in a healthy relationship does not have the right to "punish" me.

Anything longer than 24 hours is unreasonable, in my opinion. The first 24 hours (or less) is about gaining perspective, thinking about the situation, sleeping on it (if you can), calming down, etc.

 

After 24 hours, it's a form of punishment.

 

I'm an adult, not a child. A partner in a healthy relationship does not have the right to "punish" me.

That's what I thought as well and felt like I was the only one thinking that.

Looks like I had more feelings for him than he did for me hence he felt like he could get away with it. So be it.

None. Sometimes he will need a little bit to cool off, and once he asked me for a day to just think. That was just once though, and we have never ignored each other.

After 24 hours he is using it as a power trip. If you are sensing an emotional distancing it is possible there is someone else. They come off as 'strong' in their ability to seemingly control their urge to call, but it is possible they got something on the side, which gives them that 'backup' and 'leverage'. That's why it's called 'cheating'. They are playing by a different set of rules.

I know abou this, because I dated a lady (long distance) who could seemingly hang up the phone and not call for days and came off like she had the 'upper hand'. Found out later she was seeing her x-boyriend on the side which gave her the seeming capacity to have the 'strength' to not call. She was not a strong person at all. God bless. I believe there is somebody better for you.

After 24 hours he is using it as a power trip. If you are sensing an emotional distancing it is possible there is someone else. They come off as 'strong' in their ability to seemingly control their urge to call, but it is possible they got something on the side, which gives them that 'backup' and 'leverage'. That's why it's called 'cheating'. They are playing by a different set of rules.

 

I know abou this, because I dated a lady (long distance) who could seemingly hang up the phone and not call for days and came off like she had the 'upper hand'. Found out later she was seeing her x-boyriend on the side which gave her the seeming capacity to have the 'strength' to not call. She was not a strong person at all. God bless. I believe there is somebody better for you.

That's what I thought.

Thank you, mikem, for talking about your experiences.

I knew I felt like I was option B instead of A.