ls33 Posted July 2, 2011 Share Posted July 2, 2011 I had hung out with this guy twice. Once, he took me out for drinks & only hugged me at the end of the night. The second time, I went to his place for a bonfire. At the end of that night, he just held & cuddled me (nothing sexual) for a full half hour, held my hand, & then kissed me on the cheek & briefly on the lips at the end of the night. Last night, he texted me at about midnight saying he was just leaving a bar and inviting me to come over to hang out. I came over. We had a great conversation for about an hour (he wasn't drunk), and then we began to make out, hard core. He asked if I wanted to go upstairs to his bedroom, and I said no, that it was too soon. We made out on the couch for almost 3 hours. I also didn't want him fingering me, going under my panties, anything like that. I told him that I had "principles" and I just wanted to take things slowly, as this was only the 3rd time I'd seen him. He was fine and we continued the heavy making out. Eventually, he just fell asleep holding me in his arms and I stayed till morning. He kissed me good bye and told me he'd let me know about the cookout he would be having either tomorrow or the next day. He also texted me right after I left saying "thx for coming over... good to see ya... be careful... ha" (I think he meant driving home, or maybe teasing me for what I'd said about going too far w/fingering me?). I'm SO WORRIED that he is going to write me off because I didn't put out for him... even though he seemed 10000% fine while I was over there all night. Link to comment
annie24 Posted July 2, 2011 Share Posted July 2, 2011 If he writes you off because you didn't put out, then you're better off. You've weeded him out. So don't worry!!!!! Link to comment
Oneironaut Posted July 2, 2011 Share Posted July 2, 2011 Don't worry about it. He sounds like he's OK with it, and as annie says, if he does write you off for that after only 3 dates, to hell with him, you can do much better. Link to comment
AJEDrew7 Posted July 2, 2011 Share Posted July 2, 2011 If he can't respect your principles and the pace that you want to move with him...then he isn't worth being with. Stop worrying and just know that if he's really worth it he'll stick around and be fine with whatever pace you feel comfortable moving at. But, from what you said, it seems to me that he's fine with it at this point. Link to comment
ls33 Posted July 2, 2011 Author Share Posted July 2, 2011 I agree for the most part. I'm just worried that he'll write me off because I made things too "awkward" between us. But again, isn't it most telling how he acted at the very end of the night? He wanted me to stay the whole night... and I did, cuddling and sleeping... but it was probably so weird that I wouldn't go up to his bedroom yet!! Link to comment
BrokenSmile Posted July 2, 2011 Share Posted July 2, 2011 In my experience, it hasn't made anyone write me off; but I wonder about whether or not the opposite has happened; where they want to continue seeing me only to see if they can sleep with me. Honestly, I always feel like even if it may make them write me off, if they stop seeing me only because I didn't sleep with them early on in the dating process, they are probably someone I wouldn't want to date anyways. Link to comment
tom1607307597 Posted July 3, 2011 Share Posted July 3, 2011 I don't why he would want to write you off. Nothing awkward happened between you two, you just weren't ready to sleep with him. Some guys are cool with that. Besides you've only seen him 3 times. If he expected you to put out by now he was only interested in sleeping with you. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted July 3, 2011 Share Posted July 3, 2011 I would avoid going over to his place to hang out at midnight after he comes home from a bar- plan proper dates in advance where you do activities in public and not just hang out on his couch after a last minute invitation. You haven't known him long enough for that. Link to comment
ls33 Posted July 3, 2011 Author Share Posted July 3, 2011 So when I went over there, stayed the night/cuddled, but didn't sleep with him... does that formula basically spell the kiss of death? Link to comment
Ariel85 Posted July 3, 2011 Share Posted July 3, 2011 Guh. What mixed messages you sent him. When a guy booty calls you in the middle of the night as he's leaving a bar, you don't go running over. What did you think was going to happen? What kind of signals did you think you sent him? This clearly wasn't a real date, and he was looking to get a little something something. Next time, if you want to claim you have "principles", then don't show up for booty calls. Link to comment
ls33 Posted July 3, 2011 Author Share Posted July 3, 2011 Yeah, that's exactly what I was thinking. I was just so excited to get to hang out with him. I guess I was just hoping I could somehow turn what was obviously a booty call into him "taking me more seriously" by me putting limits on what we did sexually. Link to comment
ls33 Posted July 3, 2011 Author Share Posted July 3, 2011 Now he's texting me to report that he's in the process of deciding whether to have a party tonight & will keep me posted. should I make a lil comment insinuating that I have some ideas for what to do tonight? Link to comment
annie24 Posted July 3, 2011 Share Posted July 3, 2011 Now he's texting me to report that he's in the process of deciding whether to have a party tonight & will keep me posted. should I make a lil comment insinuating that I have some ideas for what to do tonight? No. That makes you a @*#%-tease. No, that is not cool. If you're going to be a 'good girl,' act like it. If you want to mercilessly confuse him, then text him that. Link to comment
ls33 Posted July 3, 2011 Author Share Posted July 3, 2011 Oh, sorry -- I meant that I feel ready to move forward & want to let him know. Basically I needed to just deal with the heavy making out last night, take a day to process it and think things through, then decide whether to move forward. I've had the time to think and I want to. speaking of being a tease... that's why I refused to come up to his bedroom Thursday night. when i knew i wouldn't be sleeping with him, i figured even accepting the invite to come upstairs would be teasing. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted July 3, 2011 Share Posted July 3, 2011 The way you screw things up with a guy, is by going over to his house late at night. A man is going to want a girl that expects to be taken out and shown respect. If you really want someone to like you for you, then stick to your boundaries and don't be so available. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted July 3, 2011 Share Posted July 3, 2011 Yeah, that's exactly what I was thinking. I was just so excited to get to hang out with him. I guess I was just hoping I could somehow turn what was obviously a booty call into him "taking me more seriously" by me putting limits on what we did sexually. "Seriously" went out the window when you went over there and stayed the night. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted July 3, 2011 Share Posted July 3, 2011 Now he's texting me to report that he's in the process of deciding whether to have a party tonight & will keep me posted. should I make a lil comment insinuating that I have some ideas for what to do tonight? NO!!!! You sound tooooooooooooooo available. It's never attractive to be so available, people want to know that you have a life. I would NEVER accept a meeting for the same day. You look desperate! Link to comment
ls33 Posted July 3, 2011 Author Share Posted July 3, 2011 If he contacted me for a "booty call" as everyone keeps referencing it, then is it pretty certain that he was never seriously interested in me in the first place? Or could you potentially morph the "booty call" thing into something serious? I thought I was doing that by setting clear limits on what I'd do sexually and sticking to them... showing that I was into him, wanted to come over & spend time with him, wanted to make out for the first time... but at the same time, that I wasn't "easy." Link to comment
Hollyj Posted July 3, 2011 Share Posted July 3, 2011 Hon, If a man respects and likes you, he does NOT contact you at midnight. Period. He wants to impress and take you out, not hang out on the sofa late at night. Has this man even taken you on a date? I highly suggest that you read: Men Who Love * * * * * es. It is a fantastic guide about setting boundaries and putting yourself first. Remember, if you don't respect yourself, no one else will. Why would you settle for being a booty call if you like him? Link to comment
ls33 Posted July 3, 2011 Author Share Posted July 3, 2011 The first time we hung out, he took me to a brewery and we had a few drinks. (Remember he didn't even attempt to initiate anything physical with me that night.) The second time, he mentioned to me at 7PM that his friends were having an impromptu BBQ and I should come over when finished with my own plans. (I waited 3 hours to show up so I didn't look desperate.) This time, he'd contacted me on Wednesday to say that another cookout would be going on this weekend. But he never suggested another "date." Even though I sort of settled for being a "booty call," aren't I not really guilty because I didn't do anything hard-core sexual with him?! And are people assuming that contacting me after midnight means he was never serious about me in the first place? Because I wonder if it can morph into thinking of someone as a potential girlfriend after the fact. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted July 3, 2011 Share Posted July 3, 2011 Where does it say that you're required to sleep with this guy??? Why do you think you owe him something? You're not getting paid! I don't understand???? If you don't establish boundaries and respect from the beginning, it is tough to establish. I'm sorry to say this but, it doesn't sound like you're valuing yourself. Clearly you like this guy but, are willing to have sex to try and get him. You don't get a relationship through sex! Men are attracted to women who respect and honor their boundaries. What's the hurry, and why would you put out for someone who had not taken you on several proper dates? I think you should ask your brother or male friends what they think. Link to comment
ls33 Posted July 3, 2011 Author Share Posted July 3, 2011 That's exactly why I didn't put out when I went over there last night -- because I want more proper dates first!! I figured, well, he just got off work 2 hours ago anyhow and said he wanted to "hang out," so I'll give him the benefit of the doubt, go over there, talk, make out, but then stop anything further from happening by saying I wanted to take it slow. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted July 3, 2011 Share Posted July 3, 2011 Don't show you're so available. Personally, I would not accept a date w/o at least two days notice. You have to demonstrate that you have an active life, not willing to drop everything and be so available. Remember, NO ONE likes anything that comes too easy. It's not attractive I'm sorry, but I think you made a big mistake by going over there if you want to seriously date this guy. Why don't you ask a make friend for advice?????? Link to comment
ls33 Posted July 3, 2011 Author Share Posted July 3, 2011 Honestly, I've done a good job of looking unavailable otherwise. I will end text conversations first by saying that I'm getting ready to go out with friends. If he texts me at 10:30 on a Wednesday night, I don't respond till Thursday morning. Last Saturday, he knew I had been at an afternoon party when he invited me to his bonfire; I waited 3 hours to come so it didn't look like I dropped everything to leave the other party (and I hadn't!). I think it would've been a big mistake if I had slept w/him, but I just don't see why he wouldn't take me seriously when I did tell him last night that I wanted to take things slow. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted July 3, 2011 Share Posted July 3, 2011 I give up! You've got your mind set on this. I have asked you several times why you do not seek male advice but, you do not answer? I am speaking from experience, your approach does not work. This guy has not even taken you on several proper dates and you want to put out, all this will result in a booty call. Why is this enough for you. Lastly, men like a bit of a challenge. Not arriving at a party for 3 hours is not a challenge, neither is waiting till the next morning. I am saying you should play any games but don't always be available. I still don't understand why he has not taken you out on a date? Please reread what has been said. I wish you the best! Link to comment
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