ls33 Posted July 3, 2011 Author Share Posted July 3, 2011 I don't think it was that he wasn't my Mr. Right. I just handled the situation so poorly that I had no one to blame but myself. I knew how strongly I felt about this guy... so why would I hold back sex/going up to his bedroom just because I thought he would "have less respect for me" if I had sex after coming over his house late at night, vs. after a proper date? Link to comment
annie24 Posted July 3, 2011 Share Posted July 3, 2011 I don't think it was that he wasn't my Mr. Right. I just handled the situation so poorly that I had no one to blame but myself. I knew how strongly I felt about this guy... so why would I hold back sex/going up to his bedroom just because I thought he would "have less respect for me" if I had sex after coming over his house late at night, vs. after a proper date? You should not over-think this. Really, you shouldn't. Do you watch Jersey Shore? I do. It's my weakness, lol. The guys on there are cavemen. They meet girls in bars, get drunk, take them home, get the girls to change into their t-shirts, then they send them on their way the next morning and never call again. It's sport to them. Once in a while, the guys meet a girl who really rocks their world. They are careful with her. They don't treat them like a booty call. They arrange a proper date, dress nice, make reservations at a nice restaurant, buy flowers. Have a romantic time, kiss goodnight. They said, "I don't want to mess things up a woman who could be my future wife." The girls who spend the night at their place - they never think of again. So yes, I think you were right in not going to the bedroom too soon. You shouldn't give it up just like that to a man you barely know. Surely, you don't want to be going to guys' bedrooms if you weren't sure if there would be more dates in the future???? (PS - I've gone "to the bedroom" many times early on and never heard from them again, so I know what I'm talking about here. ) Link to comment
ls33 Posted July 3, 2011 Author Share Posted July 3, 2011 EXACTLY my logic! I figured, "He's probably done this booty-call thing before. I don't want a casual hookup, I want a real relationship... and I think he & I may have a connection. So I'm going to act differently from how most women would in this situation, declare that it's too soon, and see what he does with that information." Link to comment
Hollyj Posted July 3, 2011 Share Posted July 3, 2011 Why are you blaming yourself??? If the guy only wanted you for sex, he is a jerk!!!!! Why aren't you getting this ](*,) You do not know this man. How can you have strong feelings. What we have all said repeatedly, is that you get to know someone over time. This person has not shown you that he feels the same about you, actually quite the opposite. I don't understand why you would not connect with this? Why do you think you get men through sex or have to put out after a date? Is your value that cheap? I think you need to get some sort of counseling. You are not showing yourself respect, and think you owe a man sex after he takes you out for a couple of drinks at the brewery- If a man were showing he were so easy and available to you would you be interested. Of course not! Why do you not consult with male friends on this issue???? Link to comment
annie24 Posted July 3, 2011 Share Posted July 3, 2011 EXACTLY my logic! I figured, "He's probably done this booty-call thing before. I don't want a casual hookup, I want a real relationship... and I think he & I may have a connection. So I'm going to act differently from how most women would in this situation, declare that it's too soon, and see what he does with that information." Thus, you did the right thing in refusing to go upstairs. Case closed. Link to comment
ls33 Posted July 3, 2011 Author Share Posted July 3, 2011 Well, technically that was playing games with him. So he does have every right to refuse & say that he doesn't want to be with a game-player, a tease who will come over at night but not sleep with him. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted July 3, 2011 Share Posted July 3, 2011 Well, technically that was playing games with him. So he does have every right to refuse & say that he doesn't want to be with a game-player, a tease who will come over at night but not sleep with him. You're twisting this! Did you tell him that you would sleep with him? If not, then please let this go. Do you approach every guy in this manner? Have you ever been in a relationship or dated? You seem quite naive in your statements. Link to comment
ls33 Posted July 3, 2011 Author Share Posted July 3, 2011 I am completely naive! I've only been with 1 guy, and he was my fiancee. We were together for 9 years and we broke up 1 month ago. My fiancee actually took it upon himself to somehow find this new guy on Facebook, message him, and assure him that we had officially broken up & I was about to move out of the house we shared together, so the new guy should feel free to "go for me if interested" because I'm a "great girl." Awkward, I know! It must have been so obvious to this new guy that I'm completely naive. I mean, I came over his house at 1AM expecting him to be okay with just making out and nothing more. He probably feels like I'm a pathetic game-playing tease... or just a plain prude. I just don't know why he was so nice to me the whole night while I was still there. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted July 4, 2011 Share Posted July 4, 2011 OMG! I'm sorry for the break up and for the FB incident. That must have been very painful! Why did you break up? Honey, please take the advice from others that have more dating and relationship experience, please reread what has been written and believe. I think you are also vulnerable from the other relationship, so it may be good to get your bearings and not date for a while. Helped me. A LOT! You need to seriously let this situation go, because if the guy really liked you he would be asking you on dates. Period! End of that discussion! You need to work on yourself because no one else is going to make feel better. You can't get happiness or validation from others. If you continue on this path, you will be used up by men, because you are projecting you do not believe in yourself-hence, we are on page 11 of the exact same topic Link to comment
ls33 Posted July 4, 2011 Author Share Posted July 4, 2011 I thought i was showing i believed in myself by telling him i wanted to take things slow & wasn't ready for sex yet. well, instead I just looked awkward and like a huge prude. so much for asserting myself and not wanting to look like another booty call... it got me nowhere with this guy. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted July 4, 2011 Share Posted July 4, 2011 I can't do this anymore, you're continuing to beat the dead horse! I'm sorry, but you have not heard a word anyone has said and continue to harp on the same topic. I wish you luck!!! Link to comment
Batya33 Posted July 4, 2011 Share Posted July 4, 2011 I thought i was showing i believed in myself by telling him i wanted to take things slow & wasn't ready for sex yet. well, instead I just looked awkward and like a huge prude. so much for asserting myself and not wanting to look like another booty call... it got me nowhere with this guy. My husband and former fiancees/boyfriends would laugh at the thought that I was a "prude" because I didn't want to have casual sex. I hope you don't think of your women friends as prudes for that type of behavior. Saying no to sex doesn't make you a tease -if you do go over to someone's house late at night after he's been drinking and you're not his serious girlfriend then yes it's a good idea to be clear that you do not want to have sex but you've done nothing wrong by saying no -whenever you choose to (in a perfect world, better to set the ground rules before things get heated but things don't always work that way). Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted July 4, 2011 Share Posted July 4, 2011 I thought i was showing i believed in myself by telling him i wanted to take things slow & wasn't ready for sex yet. well, instead I just looked awkward and like a huge prude. so much for asserting myself and not wanting to look like another booty call... it got me nowhere with this guy. If you view it as being prudeish, I highly doubt you really want to wait for sex. When you believe in something, you don't think negative connotations with it. I can honestly say I have never heard anyone who wants to hold out for sex until the relationship gets serious as it being 'prudish'. It's called standards and you stick by them. So for you to use that word gives me the impression you really don't want to wait, you just want to use it as a ploy to see if this guy really likes you and how far he's willing to wait for you. Which is not fair to him. No matter how many times you told him you wanted to wait, you went over there in the middle of the night. That is a mixed signal. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted July 4, 2011 Share Posted July 4, 2011 I see it slightly differently -seems to me the OP is trying to rationalize that this guy is a good guy who has sincere intentions so if she beats herself up enough for her behavior - labeling it prudish/awkward - then she can justify continuing to pursue him. Link to comment
ls33 Posted July 4, 2011 Author Share Posted July 4, 2011 let's assume that he had actually been interested in me. by going over in middle of night, then setting "limits," is he going to write me off as nothing more than an awful tease and that will be his deal breaker? Link to comment
ls33 Posted July 4, 2011 Author Share Posted July 4, 2011 Ouch. I hate myself so much Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted July 4, 2011 Share Posted July 4, 2011 That's what happens when you play the tease card. Yout went over in the middle of the night and then played the principle card. Link to comment
ls33 Posted July 4, 2011 Author Share Posted July 4, 2011 OK but let's think about the past. he weren't interested in dating, then why give me your sweatshirt / hold me for half an hour in your backyard, staying up till 3AM when u had to get up at 5AM for work / give me only a nice soft kiss goodnight / hold my hand in front of your friends? Those are all things he did at last weekend's bonfire. There's no way those actions aren't genuine. Just no way. But then... if they were so genuine, then why am I being called up at 1AM on a Friday when he had made no set plans w/me for the weekend already?! Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted July 4, 2011 Share Posted July 4, 2011 BINGO! as I said before, it's the oldest trick in the book. He pretends to like you, does all the sweet things like giving you a shirt, holding your hand, because he wants the booty call. And he htinks if you like him enough you will give it to him. Link to comment
ls33 Posted July 4, 2011 Author Share Posted July 4, 2011 Yes, this is finally starting to make sense. And people keep arguing that I'm coming off as a huge tease, but I told him as SOON as we started kissing & he asked to go upstairs, "No, not yet." Before that night, we'd only shared one very quick, innocent kiss... so how was I supposed to be sooo sure that this late night had to end in sex, until he asked me to go upstairs an hour into my visit at his place? Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted July 4, 2011 Share Posted July 4, 2011 Because he asked you over at 1 am in the morning!! Link to comment
ls33 Posted July 4, 2011 Author Share Posted July 4, 2011 Well I'd never had a booty call in my life. I didn't know any better. And I don't see why going over a man's house at any hour of the night means that I have to owe him something, or else I'm a huge tease. As soon as the kissing started, I instantly told him I wasn't going upstairs, that it was "too soon." I didn't sleep w/him that night because I was operating on the principle that a man who truly liked me wouldn't text me to come over in middle of night. He would've already had advance plans made w/me for the weekend. Link to comment
annie24 Posted July 4, 2011 Share Posted July 4, 2011 ls33 - Please, give him a break, and give yourself a break. It's over and done with. You can't go back and 'redo' that night. If he's interested, he'll call you. If he's not, he won't. That's it. Link to comment
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