I didn't put out

[lavenderdove]

Look, if he's interested in you for more than a booty call, he'll start asking you on real dates and not just group outings or midnight booty calls. If a guy really likes you, he'll want to spend time with you that is both in and out of bed. And if he respects your right to delay sex rather than jumping right into it, he won't pressure you or put you into sexual situations where he hopes you'll give in to it.

[ls33]

But I probably killed our chances once I set limits. Refusing to go upstairs or go further sexually... that just makes things awkward. why would he want to see me again in any context when I rebuffed him by saing no?

[annie24]

But I probably killed our chances once I set limits. Refusing to go upstairs or go further sexually... that just makes things awkward. why would he want to see me again in any context when I rebuffed him by saing no?

 

What do you want? One sweaty night with him or a real relationship? True - I know a few relationships that started out as one night stands. But I think you need to do what feels right for you and don't worry so much about what he is thinking.

[Hollyj]

Everyone is giving you same advice but, you're not listening. I really think it's sad that you don't recognize your value, and believe that sex is the only way to get a man.

 

Why did you come to the site?

[ls33]

I just don't understand what the advice is. I came over there because i wanted to spend time w/him, and yes I wanted to make out, but I did not want to go all the way considering we hadn't had more than 1 quick peck on the lips before that night. I needed 1 night of in between, so to speak... and I didn't know that was unreasonable & out of the question.

 

I also needed at least 1 time where he took me out on an actual "date" before I felt that he deserved to sleep w/me.

[Hollyj]

](*,) You need to go back and reread the advice from the beginning because you have some really bad beliefs about how to get a man and what is expected of you.

 

One night of drinks and you think you should be putting out. HUH??? We have all said you should Never have gone over there at midnight. He was saying he wanted you for sex, and you showed you wanted the same and didn't value yourself. If you want a relationship, you date someone for a while, then you sleep with them.

 

Go back to page 1

[annie24]

I just don't understand what the advice is. I came over there because i wanted to spend time w/him, and yes I wanted to make out, but I did not want to go all the way considering we hadn't had more than 1 quick peck on the lips before that night. I needed 1 night of in between, so to speak... and I didn't know that was unreasonable & out of the question.

 

I also needed at least 1 time where he took me out on an actual "date" before I felt that he deserved to sleep w/me.

 

I caution against using one "dinner/movie" date where he spends xxx amount of money on you to be the cost of sleeping with you. I think instead, you should stick with your morals and sleep with him when you feel ready, when you feel there is a connection, and you know him well enough. For the record, I've had men take me on proper dates that were wonderful, and then I never saw them again. If he takes you on a proper date, that is not a gaurantee that you would see him again. Or that it would turn into a relationship, or anything really. Or it might, who knows??

 

I guess my advice is that you should go with your gut and stick to your morals. If your morals are not to sleep with a man until the 3rd date, go with that. If your morals are not to sleep with a man until you know him "well enough" (whether that be 1 date or 100) go with that. Do what is right for you, and if he loses interest then you've weeded out Mr. Wrong.

 

Just remember - many men will lose interest in a woman for not putting out soon enough, other men will lose interest because she put out too soon. You don't know what "type" of man he will be until later, so you should do what is right for you.

[ls33]

I just didn't quite feel ready yet, but I really enjoyed the long making out. If I knew for sure that I wasn't "allowed' to do one without the other, then I wouldn't have!

[annie24]

I just didn't quite feel ready yet, but I really enjoyed the long making out. If I knew for sure that I wasn't "allowed' to do one without the other, then I wouldn't have!

 

That's ok. Stick with kissing for now. As you get to know him, and see that he is asking you out on a regular basis, you might be ready to do more in the future. To be honest, I think it's a turn off for most men to have sex too early with a woman. They have fun at the time, but then they wonder "does she do this with every guy??" of course, even if you don't, they might think that. So it's probably best to err on the side of 'waiting too long.' you often hear people say they had waited longer. you don't hear many people say 'i wish we had sex sooner....'

[ls33]

Yeah. You could say it had only been "3 dates," but honestly, it wasn't 3 dates. It was 1 date, then hanging out at his bonfire (which he invited me to 1 hour in advance), then him texting me after midnight once he had already been drinking at a bar. That's not the same as sleeping with a man after "3 dates."

[annie24]

Yeah. You could say it had only been "3 dates," but honestly, it wasn't 3 dates. It was 1 date, then hanging out at his bonfire (which he invited me to 1 hour in advance), then him texting me after midnight once he had already been drinking at a bar. That's not the same as sleeping with a man after "3 dates."

 

I think an arbitrary "3 date rule" is kind of stupid. you should do it when you feel ready and you know him. For instance, if you've known a man for years and then he finally asks you out on a date, you might be ready that night!! However, if you've just met him online, it might take you more than 3 dates to get to know what he is like, to be ready, etc...

[ls33]

But regardless do you see my point? I just didn't want my first time sex w/him to be the result of what most would say was a "booty call," because then I thought it would put me in "casual hookup territorY" instead of "potential girlfriend territory."

[annie24]

But regardless do you see my point? I just didn't want my first time sex w/him to be the result of what most would say was a "booty call," because then I thought it would put me in "casual hookup territorY" instead of "potential girlfriend territory."

 

Well, I don't know what is going through his mind. Some people would argue that the fact that he is calling you in the middle of the night at all means that you are a "booty call," not a potential gf. I don't know what his motivations are. Some men would never dream of disrespecting a woman they really care about by calling her in the middle of the night, instead of planning a proper date. I don't know how old you two are.

[ls33]

Even if I gave him the benefit of the doubt & said that he hadn't meant to "disrespect" me by calling that late, he absolutely doesn't respect me if he never calls again because I set limits on our night physically. I guess it could have been too awkward for him, though, and he felt no choice but to run the other way after being turned down & having his ego hurt.

[annie24]

Even if I gave him the benefit of the doubt & said that he hadn't meant to "disrespect" me by calling that late, he absolutely doesn't respect me if he never calls again because I set limits on our night physically. I guess it could have been too awkward for him, though, and he felt no choice but to run the other way after being turned down & having his ego hurt.

 

Have you heard from him since that night?

[ls33]

1) He texted me immediately after I left to say "thx for coming... good to see ya... be careful... ha"

2) Last night, texted me to let me know that the cookout probably wouldn't be going on that night, so I shouldn't feel bad if I had other plans. It had started storming & raining.

[annie24]

Well, let's see if he asks you out on a proper date soon. And like batya says, if he does another 'booty call' or last minute party invite, you can just say to him, "thanks I already have plans though - let's do something fun soon like tennis/go for a walk/get some ice cream' whatever.

[ls33]

But maybe he's doing those casual things because he wants to just see if we are compatible (sexually and otherwise!) without the pressures of proper dates. Casual is OK. And maybe he didn't see the point of investing too much energy if the sex turned out to be awful... or, in this case, if I turned out to make myself look like a huge prude that might make him wait months.

 

My guess is, by turning down sex 1 night & saying I wanted to "Take it slow," I have now given the impression that he'd be waiting many weeks or months - i.e. that I'm a total prude - and who would want to mess w/that?

[Batya33]

But maybe he's doing those casual things because he wants to just see if we are compatible (sexually and otherwise!) without the pressures of proper dates. Casual is OK. And maybe he didn't see the point of investing too much energy if the sex turned out to be awful... or, in this case, if I turned out to make myself look like a huge prude that might make him wait monhts (even though, again, I never implied that -- why wouldn't he think it, if I already came over one time without sex?).

 

Sure that might be-if you would want to be with someone for whom going out to dinner and a movie is "pressured" and who wants you to audition in his bed before deciding you're worth dating then he's your guy. Same if you think he's the kind of guy who would label you with that offensive term "prude" because you didn't put out the first time you hung out. Would you like to have him tell, let's say, your daughter that she'd better put out on the first date, and she'd better be good at sex so that the guy she liked would be interested in dating her?

 

My now husband didn't want me to "audition" for him -he wanted me to wait until I was comfortable to have sex with him and we both knew it would by definition be great because we both desired each other, were in love, and committed. How in the world could intercourse be bad with all that going for us? And even if it had not turned out well the first time, when two people are committed and have good chemistry and passion they put in the effort to make it better.

 

Seems to me you're selling yourself short and trying to rationalize doing so-is he really worth it?

[annie24]

But maybe he's doing those casual things because he wants to just see if we are compatible (sexually and otherwise!) without the pressures of proper dates. Casual is OK. And maybe he didn't see the point of investing too much energy if the sex turned out to be awful... or, in this case, if I turned out to make myself look like a huge prude that might make him wait months.

 

My guess is, by turning down sex 1 night & saying I wanted to "Take it slow," I have now given the impression that he'd be waiting many weeks or months - i.e. that I'm a total prude - and who would want to mess w/that?

 

I think it will depend on the man. A man who is marriage minded would view this as a good thing - that he's dating a woman who is serious and is girlfriend material, not a prude. She's not a "good time girl." A man who is looking for a good time girl will be turned off.

 

A few weeks or months are nothing. Men will save their money for months or years to get the car that they want, or the stereo system that they want. If they view something as worth it, they will wait.

[ls33]

So you actually waited more than hanging out 3 times (When one was him calling u impromptu after midnight)?

[annie24]

So you actually waited more than hanging out 3 times (When one was him calling u impromptu after midnight)?

 

are you asking me?

[ls33]

No, Batya33. I'm just trying to figure out if I'm freakishly abnormal by putting a limit on the makeout session the 3rd time I've hung out w/him.

[Batya33]

I waited until we were exclusive,committed, in love, with strong marriage potential - about 3-5 months usually. One time it was 2 months and while we were exclusive he hadn't said he loved me. That was a mistake I made. I was rejected a few times for wanting to wait. I'm glad I was - it let me be free to find someone with compatible values.

[ls33]

I think more along your lines. Personally, I can't imagine someone rejecting me for not having sex on the 3rd time hanging out when it was only a "booty call" anyhow, not even a date that had started earlier in the night.

 

And maybe it wasn't very nice that we kissed goodbye, but then he tapped my butt as I walked away. Like I'm a piece of meat? Could have been innocent, but still.