I didn't put out

[ls33]

So this would be the scenario: He texts me late at night, hoping for sex but mostly just wanting to spend time w/me because he likes me. I go over there, tell him I'm not ready to go up to his bedroom... we make out for a long time, cuddle, fall asleep together. Afterward, he still contacts me again because he likes me and respects my boundaries.

So that could be a real scenario with a "good guy"?! Rather than just automatically being written off as a booty-call tease? (This would be if the guy actually liked me, of course, which obv isn't the case here.)

[annie24]

............................

 

I think you need to stop analyzing what happened. It's not doing you any good. None of us know what he is thinking. you do not either. Every man is different and it's impossible to say what turns him on and what turns him off.

[Theniceone]

You are not getting it and overanalyzing it all!

 

What I was trying to tell you is that you had a weak moment when you went to his place but you have to stop sending him mix messages now by not putting yourself in this situation again.

 

If it is a relationship that you want. Let him make the effort to take you on proper date and get to know each other.

[ls33]

I don't think he will ever want to take me on a proper date now that he thinks I'm a cheap tease sending mixed messages.

(when in reality, I was just trying to give him the benefit of the doubt by coming over to spend time w/him... and then I set my boundaries, which he clearly doesn't respect.)

[Theniceone]

So this would be the scenario: He texts me late at night, hoping for sex but mostly just wanting to spend time w/me because he likes me.

 

How would you know that? If you want to make sure that his intentions are good please do yourself a favor and refuse his invitation

[annie24]

I don't think he will ever want to take me on a proper date now that he thinks I'm a cheap tease sending mixed messages.

(when in reality, I was just trying to give him the benefit of the doubt by coming over to spend time w/him... and then I set my boundaries, which he clearly doesn't respect.)

 

AGAIN - You do not know what he is thinking. There are any number of reasons he may or may not call you again. One man on here recently posted about wanting to dump his gf because she doesn't have perfectly white, straight teeth. We do not know, and you do not know, if he is interested or what. He may be dating several other women as well. We do not know or have enough information. If you want, you can be proactive and call him and ask him out on a date - in public, like going to the park, watching a movie, whatever and gauge his response.

 

That said, I just don't think you are ready to date.

[Theniceone]

I don't think he will ever want to take me on a proper date now that he thinks I'm a cheap tease sending mixed messages.

(when in reality, I was just trying to give him the benefit of the doubt by coming over to spend time w/him... and then I set my boundaries, which he clearly doesn't respect.)

 

 

I did not know that you were able to read his mind... But if he does, why would u be upset. This guy just did not meet your standards...NEXT!

[ls33]

Well, sex obviously is an integral part of an adult relationship. If we hadn't ever slept together, then why would he be willing to call me his girlfriend?!!

[Theniceone]

Well, sex obviously is an integral part of an adult relationship. If we hadn't ever slept together, then why would he be willing to call me his girlfriend?!!

 

 

You do not seem to be in a relationship that requires sex to make it healthy yet. Once you get to know each other and he shows you he is worthy, please by all means have all the sex that you want.

 

You are going at it backwards. As someone mentioned before you are using sex as a barganing chip.... This is sad really

[ls33]

What do u mean? That I'm acting like I should have sex in order for him to want to take me out on more than 1 or 2 dates?

[annie24]

Well, sex obviously is an integral part of an adult relationship. If we hadn't ever slept together, then why would he be willing to call me his girlfriend?!!

 

Ok, now you totally are reminding me of myself when I was 18. I would also desperately overanalyze dates, sit around trying to figure out why the guy didn't call me, and annoy all my friends to death. Now I've learned that you have to be patient, take time, get to know each other. Men are not all the same. Time will tell his intentions. It is very easy for someone to be nice for a few days or weeks, but assessing a man's character takes a long long time. think months or years. Most men I know like to date a woman for a few months before they call her his "girlfriend."

 

You should go and get the book, "He's just not that into you." I think it will help you in your transition back to the dating world. You can get it at any bookstore. It's funny and very true. If a guy isn't calling you back, isn't asking you out, it doesn't matter why. "He's just not that into you." Reason enough, move on.

 

Chances are that you won't meet "Mr. Right" just a few weeks after the breakup of your long term relationship. You need to learn how to be single on your own for a while. It can be scary but freeing as well. Enjoy being single. Forget this guy in the meantime.

[Theniceone]

What do u mean? That I'm acting like I should have sex in order for him to want to take me out on more than 1 or 2 dates?

 

I am trying to say you not having sex will not prevent him from asking you on meaningful dates if he is really interrested in you. All of you and not only what your body can offer. So you should stop stressing about it.

[lavenderdove]

>>now that he thinks I'm a cheap tease sending mixed messages.

 

Honey, this isn't the 1940's where 'cheap tease' is really relevant when talking about your sexuality. You didn't send any mixed messages. You told him very clearly that you weren't ready for sex in the bedroom yet. Perfectly clear and acceptable message. End of story. Perhaps you were a little naive to accept a post-midnight booty call with anyone unless you wanted sex, but i don't think he'd classify you as a tease, just what you are, a girl who is really eager to date him to the point of showing up at his house after midnight if he asks (which i wouldn't advise doing in future unless you know the guy well and have dated him enough to have sex). Just remember, he is the one who called you and asked you over, not you calling him so you didn't 'tease' him, you let him know you wanted to see him, but not have sex, which is perfectly OK especially considering you don't really know him at all.

 

If he's a guy who likes you enough to want to date you and work on a relationship, he'll call you again and ask you out on dates.

 

If he's only interested in casual sex and not really dating or working on a relationship, you won't hear from him again (or maybe only next time he wants a booty call and hopes you'll give in).

 

You're really going mental over this, which means you need to take a step back perhaps realize early dating is about getting to know whether the person is right for you and not some guaranteed precursor to 'the one' or where you have to behaving in lockstep with some '3rd date' rule to make it work. It should be about having fun, spending time with the person to see if you get along and enjoy one another, not all this anxiety this is causing you.

[DN]

I don't think you were a cheap tease but when you agree to go to a guy's place late at night you can be fairly sure he isn't inviting you for cocoa and a game of Scrabble. So you certainly appeared to be misleading him.

 

But it's too late to alter that. So now try a different approach.

[OptomisticGirl]

I don't think you were a cheap tease but when you agree to go to a guy's place late at night you can be fairly sure he isn't inviting you for cocoa and a game of Scrabble. So you certainly appeared to be misleading him.

 

But it's too late to alter that. So now try a different approach.

 

Not unless it's strip Scrabble. I sgree with DN though. You can't change how you acted to the situation. Move on and learn from your mistakes.

[Ginger1]

Well I didn't read all 19 pages.... but if this 'writes you off' because of that- then you are better off! I am right with you in saying/thinking that would be too much ofr the 3rd time seeing him. If he has any sense he will go with your pace- obviously there is a connection between you 2

[ls33]

Yeah, I realize that I could have looked like a "tease" by going over there & not having sex... but if he had been interested in me for more than just casual sex, then that wouldn't have been a total deal-breaker.

[Theniceone]

Yeah, I realize that I could have looked like a "tease" by going over there & not having sex... but if he had been interested in me for more than just casual sex, then that wouldn't have been a total deal-breaker.

 

 

Did he actually say or do anything to make u think that he does not want to pursue a relationship with you?

[ls33]

Yes. He texted me that morning to say "good to see ya, thanks for coming, be careful... ha." Then he texted me that evening to say that the bonfire wouldn't be happening that night after all, so I shouldn't feel bad about making other plans.

 

Yesterday afternoon, I texted him to ask him to go to a sporting event w/me, one-on-one. I told him "no problem if u can't make it, just let me know." He never responded. It's been typical for him to take multiple days to get back to me before, but this time, it's obviously blowing me off. My question is... why did he even send me those text messages the day after our hookup if he just wanted to be rid of me for good?!

[annie24]

If you sense he is blowing you off, forget him. Don't worry about his motivations, and think more about what YOU want.

[Theniceone]

I do not know if he is blowing you off or not. Maybe, maybe not. The fact that you were not really in contact during the week makes it difficult to judge if his current behavior is indicative of this.

 

I do not understand what is so unusual about him letting you know that the cook out was not going to take place. If it is the truth, he was giving you a heads up. If it was his way to blowing you off, he was being proactive in letting you know before you would eventually contact him about it

[ls33]

Why did he send me that nice text message right after I left? Killed me!!!

[annie24]

Why did he send me that nice text message right after I left? Killed me!!!

 

just because a guy wants casual sex doesn't mean that he's an ass without manners. guys know if you want to get girls in bed, you should be nice to them. a text literally takes 10 seconds. you should not use that as a measure of seriousness in a relationship.

[Batya33]

Why did he send me that nice text message right after I left? Killed me!!!

 

Because he felt like it at the moment just like you felt like going over to his house without too much or any real thought to it -he texted ,you went. I think you have unrealistic expectations -unless a man asks you out on a date he plans in advance, assume he is not interested in dating you. Maybe he was just in a generous mood or knew you were interested and wanted his ego stroked by your response.

[Theniceone]

...Because he wanted to be nice..?

 

The fact that he may have wanted a primarily sexual relationship does not mean that he is some kind of monster or bad person. He must have (may still) like certain things about you and enjoyed the time he spent with you nontheless .