Boys Night Out / Your Opinion?

My question : How late is too late for a guy who is in a relationship to stay out with his friends? And how often is too often?

My boyfriend is 30, and I'm 26. We've been together for almost a year now and we live together happily. Except for one thing. He goes out on boys night out often and stay out until very late like 5 in the morning each time.

I'm not complaining about his night out with his buddies. I know it's crucial that men have time to go out with their buddies without their girlfriends from time to time, and I have no problem with that. But does he has to stay out until next morning? Why can't he come home at "decent" hour? Why a 30 years old man have to stay up till that late drinking or clubbing?

I told him that he can go out with his buddies but not until that late. Then he thinks I'm really possessive and controlling. He says he needs to be selfish sometimes and wants to do whatever he wants to do even if it bothers me. He says he doesn't wanna go home while his buddies are having fun and he can't ditch them just to make me happy. He says he doesn't wanna be a * * * * * -whipped guy. He thinks if he chooses me over his buddies, his buddies think he's a total loser and he'll lose his friends, eventually be bored in the relationship because he'll have no one else to do things with beside me. Also, he says if he tries to come home early, he'd be very unhappy and eventually unhappy being with me for making him sacrifice his social life.

I told him I understand his needs to go out with his buddies, but it really bothers me when he stays out till that late, and this make me unhappy too. But he says he won't change this and it's very healthy to do his own thing without me. When I say to him that he cares more about what his buddies think of him or what he wants to do than how I feel, he suddenly blames me for not understanding.

In the past relationship, he didn't stay out late at all because his ex didn't let him (his ex didn't let him get in the house when he came home at 2 in the morning). He says that wasn't healthy, and that's why he needs to do it now. I can't help but think he didn't stay out late for his ex, but why he can't do it for me? Why can he not be considerate of me like he was for his ex?

Once I couldn't take it anymore and decided to leave. I packed my stuff and was ready to leave when he came home drunk. He wanted to talk things through, so I stayed that time. But I'm not sure if I can take this anymore.

He told me that as much as he loves me, he can't change his lifestyle. That's the way he is. That's how he and his buddies live life. He said if I can't understand this and decide to leave him, that's really sad and that's the price to pay, but he won't and doesn't want to change. So basically he said: Accept it or leave.

Some might say I should be more understanding, but is it worth staying in the relationship when I have to feel awful every time he goes out? I can't decide if I should leave or not because I love him dearly, and I have no complaints about anything else. It's just, he stays out too late too often. Am I being unreasonable to expect him to come home earlier than 5 in the morning or go out less frequently?

Do girls out there let boyfriends go out until that late? What are your opinions about this situation?

Please give me some thoughts on "How late is too late for a guy who is in a relationship to stay out with his friends? And how often is too often?" so I can see things from a different point of view before I make the final decision.

Thank you for your time to read this and I'd really appreciate if you could give me your advise or give me messages if you're in the same situation.

Sara

Why does it make a difference to you what time he comes home after a night out with his friends?

Do you think he might be cheating?

To be honest dearheart I'd be concerned that your boyfriend WANTS to stay out until 5 in the morning at his age. This would be a serious redflag to me. A man of that age should NOT have to be told by his g/f that staying out all night long is irresponsible and disrespectful. And you say he does this often? WOW

Think long and hard about your future girlie. There is no way i could be serious about a man over the age of 30 who thinks that staying out ALL night long wth his guy friends is a good idea.

So it really isn't a matter of "how late is too late for a guy in a relationship" the question should be "do you really want to build a future with a guy who DOES think this is cool and who gets angry when you discuss the irresponsibility of it. He is way too old for that mindset and sounds like an immature 20 year old. But he is 30, that is why it is a bit alarming.

Before anyone challenges me on this let me add that if a guy that age DOES want to do that, it's fine, but should he be in a relationship with a mature woman is the question. Not many mature women want to deal with this little boy mentality.

And people who like to party is fine but they do best in a relatinoship with a woman/man who also does not mind it. A person who is no longer into the bar scene to that degree will usually end up miserable with a partner who can't get enough of it.

How often is 'often'?

I don't think staying out until 5am is a problem at all. If he's out having fun with his guy friends then it's likely that he loses track of time. If he and his friends are staying at the bars until close then that's likely 2-3am. Then there's usually a late night food run so it makes sense.

Why do you feel the need to have him home by a certain time? Does it effect you in any way? If he's coming in drunk and waking you up then it's a problem, but if you aren't effected then it's really not up to you.

I think I would be unhappy with a gf who tried to tell me what I could and couldn't do with my free time. Yes, you have to make compromises in a relationship, but that doesn't mean someone should be able to tell you what to do with yourself.

Do girls out there let boyfriends go out until that late? What are your opinions about this situation?

Also, there is a huge flaw in this thought process. G/f's and B/F's do not "let" their partners do things People are individuals. All you can do is decide if his behavior is congruent to your own values. If not, find another partner. You have no authority to mandate what your b/f does and does not do. You can give your opinion and hope that he respects you enough to take it under advisement.

I would never say "should i let my SO do such and such". If something was a problem I'd discuss it and if he really would not respect my opinion then he probably isn't the right man for me.

Furthermore no one can give you the "right" time that a partner should stay out at night. Every couple sets their own boundaries and if the relationship is healthy it is done by communicating and reaching a reasonable decision that both parties can live with. It is when that can't happen that incompatibility is present and the relationship could be in danger if it continues to be a pattern.

Um, my boyfriend is 34 (no flack from anyone please..mind your own business) and he definetly doesn't go out late at night...I dont know I agree with Jaded that he is being immature. I don't even go out late at night...I don't see the fun in feeling sh*tty the next day. (I sowed my wild oats early...) He goes out with his friends to sports events and hangs out with them to watch games and has cookouts with them and such...but he doesn't go out partying by any stretch. And I wouldn't date him if he did...if i wanted to date someone immature (BEWARE>>RADICAL GENERALIZATION COMING) I would date a guy my own age...

Um, my boyfriend is 34 (no flack from anyone please..mind your own business) and he definetly doesn't go out late at night...I dont know I agree with Jaded that he is being immature. I don't even go out late at night...I don't see the fun in feeling sh*tty the next day. (I sowed my wild oats early...) He goes out with his friends to sports events and hangs out with them to watch games and has cookouts with them and such...but he doesn't go out partying by any stretch. And I wouldn't date him if he did...if i wanted to date someone immature (BEWARE>>RADICAL GENERALIZATION COMING) I would date a guy my own age...

Well immaturity isn't always about age. It surely sounds like you at 19 have more maturity then many your age.

I am sure some disagree but to me a guy at the age of 30 who stays out til 5am (come on that is ALL night long) i think has some maturity issues. I will say at a minimum it is clearly an incompatibility issue with you two (to the OP) and a conflict of values, and I don't think many can argue that point.

Define "often".....

It surely sounds like you at 19 have more maturity then many your age.

thank you

Oh, you mean ppl have a choice? lol

My ex TOLD me I'd better be home after the bar closed. If I was late, I was drilled...for days!

Oh, you mean ppl have a choice? lol

My ex TOLD me I'd better be home after the bar closed. If I was late, I was drilled...for days!

Geeze...I can see why he is an EX!

I agree with everything Jaded has posted so far.

I don't feel you need to "let" someone do anything. Maybe it wasn't your intention but it sounds more like you're speaking of a child instead of a bf (but I do get what you mean).

He isn't a child, he shouldn't have to be told "come home early". It should be his common sense.

Do you go out on girls night? Try and maybe round up a group of friends, and just go out and have fun.. Maybe then you will get why he loves "boys night out" so much.

My bf and me don't do "boys"/"girls" nights out regularly. He does go hang out with "the boys" every day though after work, and we don't live together but he is home around 11 or so. (He's 25).

If we lived together, I'd be ok with him going out to boys night.. But.. that's only if him and his friends went and hung out at each others houses. If they're hitting up bars and drinking, I'd want to go out with him (I'm sure he'd take me). And if it was strictly only boys, then I'd go out too or find somewhere to go with friends. I think I would prefer him to be home around 3am or something, and not smashed drunk hehe.

Once in a while I don't think it would bother me if he stayed out till 5am. I'm a firm believer in not making each other feel too restricted to have fun with friends. I'd expect my bf though to also not mind me staying out so late.

Thank you very much for your advice everyone!

He has all night boys night out about every friday/saturday night. He hang out with his friends at his age sometimes someone older, and they all stay out until next morning. That's how they have their boys night out. We live in the city where the bars and clubs open until 5 or 6 am, so he comes home after the bar/clubs close. A lot of people party all night here.

He says he spends most of the time with me (which is true), so he thinks he needs time on his own with his buddies. I'm not worried that he's cheating, I trust him, but I worry his whereabouts. I can't sleep very well. I just don't understand why he has to stay out that late knowing that bothers me. Is it so difficult for a guy to go home if his friends stays at the bar?

I do have my girls night out now and then but I usually come home on the same day or 1am latest.

So most of the prople here think my boyfriend is not respectful and mature...

welll, he is respectfull so far from what you say. but not too mature maybe.

i feel he does have a point, when he says he spends most of his time with you so he needs boys night.. but then again it sounds like he is saying that spending time with you is a chore or something.

i dont see why your bf cant find a way to sometimes take you with him to bars/clubs. or are you not really interested in going to those places?

I would not be cool with a partner who spent every friday and saturday night out drinking with his friends.

Friday and Saturday nights are nights i would want to go out with my SO and while it is cool once in a while to go out on those nights alone every Friday AND saturday to me would be way too excessive. Again, if my SO wanted to do that he has that right but i have the right to say, sorry, we have conflicting values. Bye. It sounds like the nights of the week that are the only two nights most people can really go out and have a good time and stay late are off limits to you, his partner. Doesn't sound very cool to me.

My bad. He goes out either Friday night or Saturday night for his boys night out. He spends one of thoese night with me. Really rare occasions, he takes me to a club or a bar where his buddies hang out waiting for him. But that doens't happen quite often. Also he says if he takes me to those night out with his buddies, then it's no longer boys night out. And His buddies think he's * * * * * -whipped.

I go out to bars sometimes, but I don't wish to stay until next morning.

My bad. He goes out either Friday night or Saturday night for his boys night out. He spends one of thoese night with me. Really rare occasions, he takes me to a club or a bar where his buddies hang out waiting for him. But that doens't happen quite often. Also he says if he takes me to those night out with his buddies, then it's no longer boys night out. And His buddies think he's * * * * * -whipped.

I go out to bars sometimes, but I don't wish to stay until next morning.

Well that isn't quite as dire then. I thought you meant he went out every friday and saturday night.

But again, I think tihs comes down to a value conflict mroe than anything else.

If my SO had a mentality that he feared his pals thinking he was ***** whipped I'd be pretty offended and think he lacked the balls to be with me. Like i said in an earlier post, I have low tolerance for little boy behavior. I am no longer a little girl and have no desire to be with a little boy.

Completely agree with all JadedStar's posts.

I wonder how he would like it if you came crawling into bed at 5 or 6am after a girls night? I don't know, 30 years old, why is there a need for that all the time and why is he still caring about if he's friends think he's whipped or not. He's just disrespecting you in a lot of ways.

If my SO had a mentality that he feared his pals thinking he was ***** whipped I'd be pretty offended and think he lacked the balls to be with me.

Thank you for your advise.

I felt the same, so I told him. But he says "do you reallyt think I don't care about you? You might think I don't care about you now, but think about other times. I do care about you a lot." And it's true, he cares about me and how I feel other times. So it's difficult for me to make a decision. He becomes stubborn when it comes to his night out wiht boys.

Thank you for your advise.

 

I felt the same, so I told him. But he says "do you reallyt think I don't care about you? You might think I don't care about you now, but think about other times. I do care about you a lot." And it's true, he cares about me and how I feel other times. So it's difficult for me to make a decision. He becomes stubborn when it comes to his night out wiht boys.

My philosophy is that I would never be ashamed to tell my girlfriends how i feel about my SO or if i want to hang with him one night and not them I have absolutely NO fears of feeling that they think I am **** whipped and I expect to be in a relationship with a man who is equally strong.

I have NEVER liked the addages of "boys will be boys" or men who are terrified to let their guy friends know they actually care about the women they are with. i am sure he loves you but it seems really little boy to me for him to even bring up the fact that the guys might think he is ***** whipped if he changes any behavior patterns.

I can't see why it makes a difference what time he gets in. What is it about 5 a.m. as opposed to say 2 a.m. that makes him suddenly become immature? If he were a teenager I could perhaps see a curfew being imposed by parents because at that age judgment isn't all it is compared to someone being an adult.

As to worrying - well that would make sense if he said he was going to be home much earlier and didn't show up, or he was usually earlier - but if it is standard that he is that late then why worry - what is there to worry about?

The fact is that you are setting an arbitrary standard that you are demanding he keep to and are trying to punish him if he keeps to a standard of his own. That is controlling no matter how you slice and dice it. You are not his mother and it is not for you to control his behaviour. I often see people say "why does s/he do things that they know bother me?" - and that is a form of emotional blackmail to make partners do things that have no real rational basis - i.e. controlling.

If you trust him - then what is the big problem? Why does 5 a.m. bother you so much? It's just a different time-frame.

I agree with DN. I don't see anything wrong with him going out once a week on a boys night out until 5am. You say the clubs don't shut until around the time anyway, if I were him I would be staying until the clubs shut as well. Just the way I am, I like to party. My bf doesn't like it so much but he doesn't complain at me unless I'm really drunk and out of it and being annoying lol.

What bothers you so much about him being out until this time? Surely it's ok for him to see his friends once a week? Especially if he spends the rest of his time with you? I don't think age really matters here either, when you get to 30 I don't think there are restrictions on what you can and can't do. If you wanna party all night then do it! I know I still will be when I'm 30, that's just the way I am.

I agree with Jaded that this is about conflicting values. Is there anyway you could look past this? It's healthy for someone in a relationship to spend time away from their SO, maybe you need something to keep you occupied when he is out at night. Girlie nights are fun, or a movie night.

I don't see a problem with a guy going out with his friends once a week.

However, I do see problems with his logic about the fear of being considered "whipped". That would greatly irk me.

I would have a problem with the drunk part far more than the 5 am part - I agree with JS but would need to know how often he does this - I couldn't tolerate being in a relationship with someone who got "smashed" even once a month. As far as the 5am it would bother me if he and I were supposed to spend the next day together and not only would he be hungover, he'd probably sleep till mid afternoon and kill half of our day together.

I also don't understand where the "boys night out" has to be synonymous with bars and drinking - for example my bf goes out with his guy friends to ball games, to do karaoke, out for dinner, kayaking, etc. Alcohol is not a focus of the evening and no one gets drunk.

I would have a problem with the drunk part far more than the 5 am part - I agree with JS but would need to know how often he does this - I couldn't tolerate being in a relationship with someone who got "smashed" even once a month. As far as the 5am it would bother me if he and I were supposed to spend the next day together and not only would he be hungover, he'd probably sleep till mid afternoon and kill half of our day together.

I also don't understand where the "boys night out" has to be synonymous with bars and drinking - for example my bf goes out with his guy friends to ball games, to do karaoke, out for dinner, kayaking, etc. Alcohol is not a focus of the evening and no one gets drunk.

I agree with this. I also agree with others on the maturity aspect. Getting smashed once a week isn't appealing at all. Sounds like he's stuck in the frat boy part of his life.

Is he mature in all other aspects?