How do you get guys to open up??

Well I've noticed a pattern with guys. They aren't like us girls that just randomly talk about anything and everything with each other. My bf is open and honest but there are times (as with most guys I've been with) that he doesn't have much to comment on or say. I'm a VERY talkative and very open person and I'd like to just have him pour out all his thoughts to me. I do ask him questions, but I don't wanna have to always feel like I'm interviewing him. My downfall is I expect too much because I am WAY talkative. I know guys are different though. Any advice?

Accept it. Really, you either have to get him to change, fat chance, or accept it.

My theory on this???

ALL people love to talk about themselves, it's just that some are more comfortable doing so than others.

The more comfortable he is with you and the given situation, the more likely he'll open up and talk. Don't force or pry, rather massage the conversation out of him.

Massaging works, but be careful not to do it too much, or he'll start noticing what you are trying to do.

I personally talk when I have a thought, but the majority of guys don't like to express their feelings because they like to keep an image. I sometimes don't talk out because I'm afraid I'll seem like a fool or less attractive.

Girls tend to talk about everything, guys tend to talk about what they like in things... not the "I think that film was terrible for these reasons". We tend to go "oh that movie sucked, but that movie rocked."

If I dislike something I try and avoid mentioning anything, cuz its just not worth my breath.

-ForAnother

I'm a very open guy about things/feelings

i used to be open but now im going back to the regular me

Try to reward positive behaviour, instead of pulling information out of him.

When he tells you something personal about himself, you should let him know that it means a lot to you, to hear that from him.

Remember, that most men are not socialized to talk about themselves.

I think in general, if you want someone to open up to you (whether male or female) the following things help:

*Show that you are trustworthy. If they tell you something, do not tell others or do not bring it up or ever use it against them in any way.

*Respect their boundaries. You may want to gently ask questions, but do not pressure them. If you see they want to hold back for some reason, accept it. It's their right.

*Don't not make judegments or criticisms when they do tell you something.

*Realize that some people are better with actions than words, and that some people may feel less of a need to talk about feelings or analyze them.

*I agree with mild positive reinforcement. If they do tell you something, don't dwell on it or make it a huge deal- but simply state " I'm so glad you told me". If you dote on them too much afterwards, you may end up making them feel embarrassed or condescended.

BellaDonna

You want him to pour out all his thoughts to you - ok. Have you considered that that might not be what he wants to do at this time? That he needs time to open up - perhaps months, perhaps weeks, perhaps a year or longer? Have you considered prioritizing his need and the way in which he establishes emotional connection, closeness and comfort over your need for him to tell you all his secrets?

Why not instead respect his need to open up when he is comfortable and create an environment where he feels respected and accepted for who he is - not like sort of a puppet controlled by your need for him to be open right now, when you want him to be open?

As far as you being talkative I have found that people with the most depth actually don't talk much at all - but when they do talk, they express themselves concisely and thoughtfully and in a few words you can learn a lot about them and even about the world. Try to stop "talking" so much - decide what is really just your need to keep talking talking talking and what is you sincerely trying to let him know you in a way that is comfortable for him.

Interviewing usually isn't comfortable for anyone, much less in a relationship and in my experience it makes people close up faster and to a greater degree.

Now, if you decide to compromise and accommodate his needs to open up at a slower pace and you find that as a result you are not clicking or fulfilling your needs, then re-visit the situation. But what I am suggesting takes a lot of effort on your part and - empathy - being very aware of what it is like to be in his shoes and subsuming your need to know it all right now for his need to open up more slowly.

I do not think this is a characteristic of "guys" - i do think some guys get easily overwhelmed by too much talk from their girlfriends and so are not motivated to open up.

I used to talk a lot more and think that people liked how I shared so much with them and was so "open" - what i realized (when I was a little older than you) was that my being open was really more about me than about them - and that to be a good friend I had to focus on and intuit what the other person needed. As a result I have deeper relationships with my friends because they see me as someone who is discreet (since I don't tell all about myself to just anyone) and trustworthy with their secrets and inner thoughts.

Just my humble opinion - take from it what you wish - including nothing!

All you can do is provide a supportive environment for him to talk about whatever he wants to talk about if you force him to talk about things that he isnt comfortable with then he will close off and you wont get what you want. The best thing to do is accept the way he is because trying to change a person is a classic sign that you are not happy with that person.

I'm a VERY talkative and very open person and I'd like to just have him pour out all his thoughts to me. I do ask him questions, but I don't wanna have to always feel like I'm interviewing him. My downfall is I expect too much because I am WAY talkative.

I like to talk a lot, too. My boyfriend is a good listener...and at first I really loved that...but I eventually realized if I wanted to hear more from him, I'd have to become a better listener, myself. And not talk so much. Otherwise, he'd just good-naturedly be an audience, and I don't really want him to take on that role more than I am.

So maybe talk a little less to create a different environment, one where he'll start to speak up more. That's what I did.

Its always been easy for me to have conversations with guys. If I did come upon the rare occasion of having trouble with getting them to talk I usually lost all interest in getting to know them. I like expressive people and like RedQueen says, most people are expressive. I used to think that people who rarely talked were dullards but that isn't always the case.

I am in the same shoes as you, and I am guy. I have been with my girl for a year and she is shy and has a tough time expressing her emotions. I am outgoing, expressive and have no problem opening up. It's frustrating, but you have to just love him the way he is. Prying and forcing him to open up with just have the adverse affect. I had something interesting happen last week. I am the type that hates silence. Well I decided I am going to be silent also. Well after about 5 minutes of silence my girlfriend brought up something about us that was bothering her. It was good because she expressed some of her feelings and she opened up about things she didn't before (at least at that moment, I am still having some problems).

Some people take time to open up, and the more you let them be, and accept the way they are, the more they will open up. At least that is what I hope.

I used to think that people who rarely talked were dullards but that isn't always the case.

quite the opposite in fact.

tons of super-intelligent people are pretty anti-social.

You would have to accept him for what he is. It's the complete opposite in my relation, he's the one talking more. Sometimes I feel like a idiot when he's talking about lots of stuff and when it comes to him talking about his feelings and says "I love you", all I say is "Yea, ok".

quite the opposite in fact.

 

tons of super-intelligent people are pretty anti-social.

In fact? Good to know thats a fact. That has nothing to do with anything for me. To me, a dullard is someone who doesn't know how to be interesting to other people.

I agree! I also find it interesting when a woman wants a man to open up but what she really means is she wants him to open up as far as his feelings for her - to me, opening up means everything from how his day was at work, an interaction he had with his friend or colleague, or something he read in the newspaper. If a woman wants her boyfriend to be open as to his feelings for her, she should specify that rather than the blanket statement of "you're not being open with me."

I agree! I also find it interesting when a woman wants a man to open up but what she really means is she wants him to open up as far as his feelings for her - to me, opening up means everything from how his day was at work, an interaction he had with his friend or colleague, or something he read in the newspaper. If a woman wants her boyfriend to be open as to his feelings for her, she should specify that rather than the blanket statement of "you're not being open with me."

he's open with his feelings, just not about that other trivial stuff you mentioned.

You would have to accept him for what he is. It's the complete opposite in my relation, he's the one talking more. Sometimes I feel like a idiot when he's talking about lots of stuff and when it comes to him talking about his feelings and says "I love you", all I say is "Yea, ok".

you don't say I love you back?

he's open with his feelings, just not about that other trivial stuff you mentioned.

Just to be clear - I don't think that is trivial - I think that is a huge part of a person's life, thoughts, goals, dreams. My original post to you contains my opinion on what I think you should do.

haha good luck, u will never get a guy to open up and express what he is really feeling, its like a girly thing to do, although i will admitt, i can express my feelings with my mates but no one else. sorry hun, but just accept the truth

you don't say I love you back?

Nope in the 4 months we dated, I never use the "L" word. That's just me, I feel there's more ways of showing love/affection than just saying that, I'll go by actions rather. However, when he says it, I do say "me too", so I figure that's good enough.

haha good luck, u will never get a guy to open up and express what he is really feeling, its like a girly thing to do, although i will admitt, i can express my feelings with my mates but no one else. sorry hun, but just accept the truth

It's rather the opposite in my relationship I don't open up that much and I'm a girl, lol, odd isn't it while he does??? However that doesn't mean I don't love him, everyone shows it in their own ways.

Oh Mitch...how silly (meant in an affectionate way).

Of course I have known men who won't open up - but the majority will, especially when they feel they can trust the man/woman they are with.

Take a look through the Breaking Up posts here - you often get guys saying "I told her how much I loved her, I was so attentive...and she left me". This would rather indicate that guys DO open up, and I'd urge you to reconsider talking about emotions - it is HEALTHY, not "girly", "soppy" or otherwise undesirable. I hope you come to figure that through experience, your life will be better for it.

Try to reward positive behaviour, instead of pulling information out of him.

 

When he tells you something personal about himself, you should let him know that it means a lot to you, to hear that from him.

 

Remember, that most men are not socialized to talk about themselves.

This is good advice.

Men and Women ARE different (to various degrees). I dont think you can expect him to ever be on the same level as you as far as talking. Many women expect their bfs tho be a new and improved version of their gf. In most cases, not going to happen. And it also puts alot of pressure on the guy. Thats what girlfriends are for. You should try to go out or talk to a girlfriend regularly and get it out!