How do you get guys to open up??

[Gath]

This is good advice.

 

Men and Women ARE different (to various degrees). I dont think you can expect him to ever be on the same level as you as far as talking. Many women expect their bfs tho be a new and improved version of their gf. In most cases, not going to happen. And it also puts alot of pressure on the guy. Thats what girlfriends are for. You should try to go out or talk to a girlfriend regularly and get it out!

 

You're right on the money from my experience. The gal I've been with now for about a year acted just this way. Caused a bit of a rift as I got really tired of hearing her complain about things not worth complaining about. And she never accepted advice or suggestions, so why even complain? Guys and gals definetly don't think the same way.

[CanadianGirl]

be careful what you ask for....you just may get it! I've been known to feel like I wanted my men to open up to me.

 

Now my man opens up and sometimes I can shut him up! he tells me everything and it's not always deep, sometimes its uncalled for and rediculous but I got what I asked for and I have to keep reminding myself of this.

 

Not all guys are the same, I know that for sure. I think there are boundries in what I want to know about a person or how I find them out. I obviously want to know first-hand info, but maybe too much is too much. who knows? a good way to get him to open up is to OPEN UP YOURSELF, and don't be gossipy...if you talk about other people, he'll never feel safe enough to tell you too much.

 

I personally hold many many secrets of others, and I keep my confidentiality very close. I never trash talk, or gossip or tell anyone other peoples issues, and always talk about MY OWN EXPERIENCES/FEELINGS .. so maybe that's why people seem so open to tell me things...this is what I've gathered.

[CanadianGirl]

oh ya:

 

When I say OPEN UP YOURSELF I don't mean complaining or being dramatic.

 

Try being compassionate, empathetic and understanding....talk about things he's interested in! don't over-do the feeling conversations.

 

men are simple - usually cut and dry conversations do best, eventually they feel comfortable to let you in on experiences and thoughts. let him grow on you .. don't force subjects either. let things be

[cranbers]

Well I've noticed a pattern with guys. They aren't like us girls that just randomly talk about anything and everything with each other. My bf is open and honest but there are times (as with most guys I've been with) that he doesn't have much to comment on or say. I'm a VERY talkative and very open person and I'd like to just have him pour out all his thoughts to me. I do ask him questions, but I don't wanna have to always feel like I'm interviewing him. My downfall is I expect too much because I am WAY talkative. I know guys are different though. Any advice?

 

I know being open depends on the person i am with. If i feel comfortable and everything I dont have a problem. But if it is a touch or senative subject then yeah im reserved. But I find its best that way.

[Nappy]

Batya33....Great original post....Great advice.

 

I too have experienced the problem with my boyfriend....Though we are often reminded that men are different in this respect....I do forget and sometimes think it's just him, that maybe we don't work well together.

 

The thing is, we work great together. We are very similar people, he is just at one extreme and I am somewhere in the middle.

 

We are both reserved, quiet people. I just happen to be able to communicate with people and have things to talk about with them. Basically, I have better social skills than he does, I am more talkative....Though I still do keep my comments to a minimum compared to other people.

 

For 3.5 years, whenever I felt a gap my solution was, "What are you thinking about?" Not the greatest solution, but it was on my mind...I wanted to know what he was thinking about. It was my way of gettting him to talk about his thoughts more. For me, I just want to learn even more about him...His thoughts, dreams, goals, opinions...opinions being key...He doesn't really express his opinions on things...Not sure if that's the non-judgmental side of him coming out or what since it doesn't have to do with specific pple. He's not very opinionated...And he views the fact that I'm opinionated as stubbornness sometimes. Yes I can be stubborn, but sometimes it's just my opinion and beliefs that come out.

 

Last night I tried, you ask me a question and I'll ask you another. Not sure if he really enjoyed that one, but he played along...Actually found out a lot about his opinions on relationships, attraction, what he considers to be cheating vs. unfaithful (we just got back into our relationship after a 4 month break...so it's like we're starting new since we had different experiences while apart...we are each other's first relationship/serious) It was good...But still, I felt like it was so forced. Why should I have to resort to a game in order to get him to open up to his opinions/feelings on things? But I guess that's just a guy for you.

 

Batya33...It was good to hear what you said...Really needed that. I guess I have some work to do on how to speak his language....It's not just that guys need to learn to speak our language.

 

By the way, he hates that question..."What are you thinking about?" It's become a joke for us...But he does hate it.

 

I try getting him to talk about things by explaining situations that my friends get into to see what his take is on it as a hypothetical. Even though I don't always name the person I'm talking about - It probably doesn't help that I'm coming to him with the details of someone else's life. Alright note to self, ALWAYS delete name.

 

Anyhow, I think this was a very important thread - Makes us girls see the light and see that we need to learn the guys language as well.

 

What's a good way to message thoughts/feelings out? Any more subtle ways someoen can think of?

[Batya33]

I wouldn't want to play that game you described - I am spoiled at this point in the sense that now that I am with someone where the conversation just flows naturally and where we have comfortable silences, no more pulling teeth for me or feeling self-conscious about expressing myself (once in a blue moon is normal) if I can help it! Been there done that and no it's not a "guy" thing -it's typically the particular dynamic between two people - how you draw each other out.

 

I do want to know my boyfriend's opinions, thoughts, etc but I don't enjoy hearing about them unless he is telling me on his own initiative and in the way in which he feels comfortable expressing them.

 

To me, having an opinion - not being opinionated - is a sign of a certain type of intelligence and thoughtfulness - and essential to me in a friend or a boyfriend.

 

 

As far as hypotheticals - we do that, at times - but again, be careful that you're not doing it to try to force him to open up - or to be indirect instead of direct as in telling him something your friend did to see if he thinks it is cheating when you really just want to know directly his thoughts on cheating - nothing to do with his friend.

 

I think you need to accept him the way he is - or not. It's fine if you want to do that drawing out game once in awhile but it sounds kind of tiring or even exhausting for him and I don't know that it will motivate him to open up on his own. Try creating an environment where he doesn't feel pressured to talk or to share his thoughts/feelings with you unless it is of his own initiative. If the amount he shares with you isn't enough for you you can tell him and see if he wants to change his way of communicating.