CanadianGirl

HEROIN & CRACK?!?!?!??!? GET HER TO DETOX/REHAB BEFORE SHE O.D'S and if she won't then you should get the hell out of that mess. those 2 drugs alone are a life-sucking, never-ending high chasing physical/psychological addiction......no wonder she's dissing you for them. I say get the hell out before you get sucked in too!

In your opinion, should I consult Ryan first? ask him straight out if he wants to move forward some day? because if he's not thinking of testing the friendship, I don't see why I should hold back.... Also, although I DO WANT to have a relationship with Ryan, I don't want it right away. My current boyfriend and I started out as friends too, and should I just suggest we revert back to the initial friendship? either way I don't want to lose a friend for a lover in either case... this is so rough.

Only after a 6 year friendship did Ryan and I cross the line, so being in a relationship wasn't really in the cards until now, and even then.. My heart says give it a shot with Ryan. Again, he needs time to gather himself again. But, how would I tell my current boyfriend? I know I should do this before things get too serious....but what do I say? "Oh, I forgot to metion that I'm actually in love with my best friend and don't think I can love you the same"? It's a hard one.

Ok, this is just TERRIBLE. Long story, but here goes. I am currently in a relationship that is going well, although I am not in love with my boyfriend, I do respect him and care about him. I've known him for a long, long time (14 years - the past 7 we spent living life, having other relationships, learning, etc)...we've been friends and only now since I moved back to this city are we taking a shot at a relationship. Things are good, and our communication is top notch. He's a good guy and has been a real friend when I needed it most. We are getting closer, but my 9 year old daughter CANNOT stand this guy AT ALL. She does not want me in a relationship with him and tells me this CONSTANTLY, she glares at me when Im on the phone, accusing me of ignoring her in favour of him and keeps a tight watch when he is around, jumping in the middle of us to be sure we don't touch each other...so she is a real road block in this realationship. Other than her, my family and his family think we are good for each other and we are taking our time. HERE'S WHERE IT GETS TOUGH. In the 7 years where we hadn't talked, I met a new guy (Ryan) we became great friends, spending days and nights together, being there through good times and bad. Ryan helped me understand that I am a great person, and showed me that I can be loved without expectations...for without him I would still have been a man-hater...he softened me. In those 7 years, we moved to another city and he became super close to my heart and my daughter's heart. He was basically one main figure in her life from the age of 2. He was always the constant, and did alot with her. He helped me with her, babysat her and had special days with her, taught her things, and they really took to each other (each claiming one another as "father figure" in her life). Ryan and I were always just friends, and never ever made passes at each other, and remained tight frienships throughout relationships we both had with other people... WE LOVE EACH OTHER DEEPLY AND MAINTAINED OUR TRUST/LOVE/FRIENSHIP THROUGHOUT IT ALL....never denying it, and expressed it consistantly. A few years ago I introduced him to Lindsay, and they fell in love. He eventually moved to her city to be closer to her. So, I lost my best friend for awhile, although he would come to visit us, during his/my birthdays and on long weekends. I also went to visit him, where we would have "dates" (what his girlfriend called them) and we continued our friendship regardless of her jealousy (because at the time, we were innocent). It was hard to watch him change, and bend over backwards for this girl who was never happy. Finally they decided to move back to the city I was in last New Years. From then on in, I knew things were bad for them as they stopped spending time together, worked different shifts/etc....and rarely were intimate (he has always talked to me about everything). I knew Lindsay was cheating on him (by her behavior: leaving every weekend without him, avoiding him, etc). Finally they were on the brink of ending the relationship when I confronted him and asked him why he seemed so upset, and depressed .. I asked straight up what was going on in his life with her. He told me they were on the rocks bad and that they hadn't had sex in 4 months since moving (even more I realized she was cheating, but didn't say anything...it wasn't my place to let him know this.). So shortly thereafter, we went out on the town together and ended up hazy dazy and a tad drunk (which we've been before)...but this time, we had spent a night of intimacy and had sex. It was amazing because we already knew each other on many levels, but after a 6 year friendship we had sex. I always thought this would not change things...and in a way it didn't but emotionally it did. To be honest, I was hurt and so was he. We discussed it many times, and admitted we loved each other and that it was something we both felt was bound to happen eventually. BUT THE TIMING WAS TERRIBLE. He ended his relationship with the girlfriend about 3 weeks later. But, he continued to live with her (as they signed a lease at the place they were in). Over the next few months, I stayed away from him, avoided calls and invites...because I felt really awkward and sad that we did have sex while he was still with her and that he took so long to end it afterwards. Now I felt more confused than ever. Eventually he confronted me while visiting at his house -- he just said he never wanted to make things weird and he missed me and our close friendship, and we both appologized for the timing and agreed to move on. I moved out of that city to the one I am in. We kept in close contact and he told me one day that his girlfriend came clean and admitted to cheating on him through the last year of his relationship. He was quite hurt by this and think deep down he knew it was happening...I suggested it is the main reason why we ended up in bed together. He was supposed to come up and visit me and ended up getting very sick, and couldn't make it. Another time he was supposed to come up and ended up not making it, and didn't call to let me know. I text messaged him letting him know i was really really hurt by this, and then dropped my phone and couldn't read the screeen but could hear text messages coming in. For 5 weeks I could hear messages coming in and couldn't read the messages, I guess he figured I was really mad and didn't want to talk. Eventually I called and left a message that I couldn't read any texts and if he wanted to call he could. Heres the prob: a couple of days ago he called and sounded really happy for the first time in years...he said he missed me and that he has moved out of her place and left me the number to his new place and wants to talk. Now its such bad timing. Im just getting into a relationship that could be really good. BUT IM ADMITTEDLY STILL VERY MUCH IN LOVE WITH MY BEST FRIEND. I can't help being in love with him, and believe that if given the chance I would take a realationship with him above any else. So, should I let my current BF know? He knows I love my best friend, but not that I am in love with him? I know my friend needs time to heal and I dont want to be his REBOUND GIRL, nor would he allow this....but we do love one another deeply. I also don't want to be "leading on" my current boyfriend, and the way I see it, my heart belongs to someone else, so can I honestly be having a relationship that I know isn't with the one I love? HELP!

For the record, I never said men don't fall in love. I meant men don't often confuse sex with love. Sex is an act. and if you believe love is an act than sex is love I guess. Lets be honest, if a women sleeps with a man on the first date - chances are he's not going to call, let alone FALL IN LOVE because of the sex. We as women feel emotionally connected to a man after the sexual act which some ladies may confuse with love...that's my argument. What I've experienced is that men DO fall in love, some easily, some not so easily...everyone is different...but in my experiences, men really seem to have a harder time getting over a broken heart than women...wonder why? Oh, and the study on sexual partners is probably true. most ladies I know and have asked HONESTLY do cut down the number of partners they've had (due to double-standards...multiple partners in men=player/stud and multiple partners in women= ). I heard once that you can take the number of partners a women claims to have had and multiply that by 10 to get a more realistic number (dunno how true that is).

OBVIOUS DEAL-BREAKERS: infidelity, dishonesty, co-dependancy, abuse, laziness/complacency NOT-SO OBVIOUS DEAL-BREAKERS FOR ME: -inability to change/grow for the better -extremely different moral/value/ethics -lack of respect for self/others -arrogance/ignorance -mental/personality disorders -HIV/HERPES/HPV/HEP C infections -inability to relate to my views/opinions -over-critical or judgemental -family or friends disapprove (his/mine) -hateful personality -unambitious -not industriuous

Ok, first of all.....since when does SEX=LOVE anyways? "LOVE ISN'T SOMETHING THAT CAN BE MADE"....colette Sex is an act fueled by stimulation, and passion & that's it. To assume that love equates to sex is immature, and dilusional at best. Women have this underlying issue where sex CREATES an emotional connection which they FEEL is love, although most men do not feel the same. Yes, it would be all grand and perfect if we all only had sex with those we LOVE, but come on now PASSION is more of a pre-cursor to SEX than LOVE is. This is a fundimental problem in girls....probably why virginity is lost so early and almost always to someone we REGRET. be honest. It all boils down to values/morals. Prostitution is, the oldest profession. It's nothing new, and guess what? It's actually a legal and legitimate profession in SOME COUNTRIES. Untalented, uneducated and usually addicts who have no other options use what they have to get what they WANT/NEED. It doesn't make them any less human than us....they are in a vicious cycle and are using men the way men use women in an equal exchange for service and money. So what? The main argument here is that he had one encounter with a PROFESIONAL SEX EXCHANGER before he met her. So, at least he didn't go and have LOVELESS SEX with a girl who thinks SEX IS AN ACT OF LOVE when he didn't love her. Think of it that way, he's not being decietful or hurtful or unfaithful or dishonest.........which I think one night stands are, essentially.

I dunno. How long have you known him? how long have you been with him? how long have you lived with him? how do you KNOW this is the first time he's said this? seems pretty natural the way he says it and automatically says it to you too......? Wishing death on a parent is BAD. Your parents are the ones who raised you...regardless of how angry they get, it's ABNORMAL to wish death on them unless you are a SEVERELY EMOTIONALLY DISTURBED. His reactioin reeks of some deep scar or a SPOILED ROTTEN attitude. For him to so easily turn around and say the same thing to you afterwards was another huge sign that he's got a really poor value/boundry system. Its never good to jump into arguments, but to be honest if my BF ever said something as harsh as that, it would be an automatic DEALBREAKER for me, because if you cannot treat your OWN MOTHER with respect, then what makes me think you can treat ME with any kind of respect? think about that. Understandibly parents can get annoying/nit-picky and harsh, but he IS living in HER home. If he's any kind of man he'd leave and find a home on his own (which is probably why she's so annoyed by his lack of maturity) and he would NEVER treat you like dirt (ie/wishing death on you).

Sounds like this guy is your OWNER instead of your BOYFRIEND. DONT EVER LET ANYONE TREAT YOU LIKE THEY OWN YOU OR OBJECTIFY YOU. If he's verbally abusive now, imagine if you disobeyed him on something big...would he resort to physical abuse? I say, run for the hills. You don't deserve the emotional abuse regardless of how many times you missed an obligation. If he can't treat you with dignity, he simply needs to find a maid...not a girlfriend.

having sex with a friend ultimately changes the relationship. i speak from experience. i have a best guy friend who i'v been friends with for 7 years. after 6 years we spent a night together. believe me it was BY FAR the best experience i've had sexually. after getting to know each other on every other intimate level possible, we had sex. and it really changed how i felt. after the deed i started to distance myself and found myself feeling more emotionally charged when we were together, and less likely to be free to be myself. it didnt help that he was at the end of a rocky relationship but failed to dump the girl for months after. he only now truly moved on and we havn't hung out since i moved cities. i do love him, although i am not in love with him...im really confused as to how to feel, as i expressed my feelings and so did he...we really put each other at a crossroad in the friendship = now we know EVERY DETAIL OF EACH OTHER INTIMATELY, and honestly I wish I didn't do it at that time. If I had to do it over, I would have made a decision to wait, or not do the deed at all. crossing those boundries means no turning back time. move on and don't do it unless you intend on starting something real. i wish i thought of that first.

are you my boyfriend? he seems to blurt things out at the wrong times .. I don't always find it amusing, but mostly I do...so it may be my problem too. too much RAMBLING is harsh. talk about meaningful things and dont be so scared of awkward silences.

oh ya: When I say OPEN UP YOURSELF I don't mean complaining or being dramatic. Try being compassionate, empathetic and understanding....talk about things he's interested in! don't over-do the feeling conversations. men are simple - usually cut and dry conversations do best, eventually they feel comfortable to let you in on experiences and thoughts. let him grow on you .. don't force subjects either. let things be

be careful what you ask for....you just may get it! I've been known to feel like I wanted my men to open up to me. Now my man opens up and sometimes I can shut him up! he tells me everything and it's not always deep, sometimes its uncalled for and rediculous but I got what I asked for and I have to keep reminding myself of this. Not all guys are the same, I know that for sure. I think there are boundries in what I want to know about a person or how I find them out. I obviously want to know first-hand info, but maybe too much is too much. who knows? a good way to get him to open up is to OPEN UP YOURSELF, and don't be gossipy...if you talk about other people, he'll never feel safe enough to tell you too much. I personally hold many many secrets of others, and I keep my confidentiality very close. I never trash talk, or gossip or tell anyone other peoples issues, and always talk about MY OWN EXPERIENCES/FEELINGS .. so maybe that's why people seem so open to tell me things...this is what I've gathered.

sometimes my boyfriend calls too much and it gets really annoying. I usally just say "hey!you are annoying me, stop calling so much, Im getting sick of it" not everyone is as blunt as me, but she's giving you obvious clues. I live in the same city as my beau, so there is no reason for him calling me constantly and he only does it when Im blowin him off...so once we identify the problem, we talk and if we work it out, Im glad to hear from him. Maybe she's over this relationship. I can't see how she needs more space since you are 10 hours away. That's tonnes of space. If she was really in love with you she would want to talk all the time. Maybe she's angry because she had to ASK for the ring, and that you aren't reading her mind (I'll be the first to admit, I get angry when my man doesn't read my mind - so now I just let him in on my feelings because I feel pity for the fool .jk.). Just ask her straight out "...is there a perticular reason I am annoying you?" or even better, don't call for awhile and wait for her to call. I usually don't call my bf and eventually he calls so maybe it'll work for you too.

hah! terrible 2s! I say the TRYING THREE'S are much worse! they start testing their limits towards 3 and continue until 4. There is no such thing as TOO MUCH LOVE, but there is such thing as TOO LITTLE BOUNDRIES. and Im experiencing the wrath of that now ... my daughter is TERRIBLE 9 and because I've over-given to her she expects that she can tell me how to live my life and who i should be friends with, work for, etc. Smart cookie she is, but the fact of the matter is SHE'S NOT MY EQUAL and that's the stage I set up by over-giving in the beginning. It was all about 'deals' and rewards for good behavior. Now, don't get me wrong she's not a spoiled little brat who screams and yells in stores to get her way ... but yes, she's a controlling girl. Why is this so bad? because she's not always going to be able to control people in this world and I am her first teacher -- because I failed to set adequate boundries to begin with, she now does not realize that there are any...and with help from therapy and school teachers/councillors, family/friends I have realized the whole mess I created by giving her TOO MANY options. I was taught that kids DO require structure, boundries, limits, discipline and re-enforcement to become functioning members of society. And believe me, it probably would have been easier at 2 than 9 to set these limits because by 9 they already know HOW TO MANIPULATE YOU.....give her love and encouragement, but set the boundries early (ie/USE YOUR WORDS to ask, if she can speak, and don't react automatically to the whining because when she doesn't get the reactions she expects, the behavior will eventually change). BTW: it's not about how much love, kissses, hugs, etc you give or don't give...it's about how well you re-enforce YOUR boundries to let her know they are there, and aren't meant to be changed.