wife in distress

I need some advice. I am a 28 year old woman with two children. My hubby and I have been married 5 years. Since we started dating 8 years ago, porn has been an issue in our relationship. He had it, said he got rid of it, but it was a lie.....this was the beginning of many many lies to come. He once racked up $800.00 on our cable bill for porn. Then racked up another $250.00 4 years later. I have tried everything, I even tried watching it with him but when he knew all of the girl's names and began talking about them like he knew them I almost got sick. Needless to say that wasn't for me. So finally (he says) he has none because he knows how it makes me feel, but it is really hard to believe it.

As a side note: He also grabbed the breasts of one of the strippers at his bachelor party and he has never admitted that it was wrong so i feel like he does not think it was wrong.

Okay so here is the issue at hand. He is going to his brother's bachelor party in Portland soon. They are going to Portland (not Seattle which is where we live) because you can drink in all the strip clubs. I am so upset about it! I feel like it is cheating. I hate imagining that some other woman is rubbing her breasts and genitals all over him. It literally makes me sick. I don't want him to go...I feel like that stuff should be left behind when you get married. On the other hand I don't want to tell him he can't go to his brothers bachelor party, I think that would be controlling. Please help! I know I have self-esteem issues and I know that I don't have to greatest body image after having children but I still feel like my husband is crossing a line. First of all why go overnight to a completely different state and why does it matter if you can drink IN the club? I am very distraught....need some opinions.

It seems your husband has crossed the line many times in your marriage. And, it sounds like you generally don't trust him. This is really the bigger issue at hand, not just a one-time event to a bachelor's party. Now, I'm not saying that's not important...based on what you're sharing, I wouldn't want my partner to attend such an event, either.

But even if he doesn't go this time, it seems that porn and distrust are two issues that will be in your marriage anyway.

Have you ever tried couples counseling?

Was he into porn and strip clubs before you married him?

I have two big concerns 1) the two of you have some very different moral standards and 2) it sounds like he is probably addicted to porn. He needs counseling for the addition and you both need to take a hard look to see if your moral standards are compatible. This is a big issue and one that would not be acceptable for me.

Was he into porn and strip clubs before you married him?

Yes he was into porn but stupidly I thought he could change. He has never been to a stripclub before. This will be his first time....maybe I am scared he will get addicted to that too

People with porn issues do not tend to change. Because unfortunately there isn't a simple on-off button on male sexuality, but reality is that you do not have to be concerned about it, you see in the end he has nowhere to go but back to you, even if he has these flings in the end i do believe he is commited to you. And i would just stay with him for the childrens sake,because they still need a father to look up to, even if that one looks at porn. You know i say this because lets say if you get a divorce and go with another man, that person will probably also look at porn, im not saying its right but its probably every guy who suffers from this.

, even if he has these flings in the end i do believe he is commited to you. And i would just stay with him for the childrens sake,because they still need a father to look up to, even if that one looks at porn.

No offense Robo, but this makes no sense to me.

How can a guy have flings, but be committed?

Staying with him for the children's sake? The children are more apt to be screwed up watching their mom in an unhappy marriage then to be screwed up over a divorce. Trust me, I have lived through both.

I find it hard to believe that your husband has been doing the five knuckle shuffle to 800 dollars worth of porn, but has never been to a strip club. I think he is pulling your leg.

Bottom line, if you aren't cool with him going, tell him. He has an obligation to you, not his brother.

I ditto everything Iceman just said, word for word.

And Robo, I also have to disagree with your opinion that every man probably looks at porn. My boyfriend doesn't have any interest in it, and I've heard from many men that they think porn is stupid and sad.

i would kindof agree with ROBO here.

BUt i different words. He likes porn. Unless watching porn has afffected your sex lives it is an issue.

Both of you have different principles. I dont htink you are going ever stop him from watching porn (because most guys i know watches porn). The fact the porn is fictional leaving it just a that. If he masterbates so much that it has effect your relationship ask him to cut down on watching porn.

As for his brothers bachelor party, i suggerst that you tell him that you are insecure about him going to strip clubs and that you are afraid that he mine have a moment of weakness and cheat on your relationship. Suggest that he goes and you go as well but you intend to do your own thing. Setup a guide that he comes home to you at 4-5 am?

THus you are not controlling him. I dont know if this will work but it is just a suggestion.

i suggerst that you tell him that you are insecure about him going to strip clubs and that you are afraid that he mine have a moment of weakness and cheat on your relationship. Suggest that he goes and you go as well but you intend to do your own thing. Setup a guide that he comes home to you at 4-5 am?

THus you are not controlling him. I dont know if this will work but it is just a suggestion.

There is nothing insecure about not wanting your SO to go to a strip club. If someone is getting what they need out of a relationship, then they don't need to hang around a bunch of walking ATM machines or rubbing it out to over a grand in porn movies. I'm sorry, but someone spending that much money on porn has a problem.

So your suggestion is that the poster go to the strip club with him? What is she supposed to do at a strip club? Play Yahtzee while he is getting lap dances?

I can see asking him to be home at a certain time, but the only people coming home at 4 or 5 in the morning is either someone getting laid or someone on at eating binge at Denny's.