insecure246

my wife and i have been married for almost 3 years, and have been together for almost 4. we split up last january. began an ugly divorce and custody battle. we were both seeing other people. we got back together in november. we moved back in together. we went to marriage counseling. things were going well, i thought. i have an addiction to the computer. she says i ignore her, whish i guess is true. i told her i can change but now she says she just wants a divorce. she says she loves me but shes not in love with me. i wonder now if im truly in love with her. am i just afraid of being alone? i feel really confused and lost and alone and crushed. i feel like shes carving my heart out of my chest. Also. The other night we were playing around and she was throwing some of my clothes outside our apt. and we were both laughing and i tried to push her inside but i pushed her too hard and she fell and hit her head on the floor. i couldnt believe that i had done such a thing. i grew up watching my mom get beat and promised id never lay my hands on a woman. i dont know how to fix this. i dont know if i can live with myself after this. ive never felt so low in my life. ive never felt so ashamed of myself. it was an accident but thats no excuse. and what if it wasnt and im just trying to make excuses to myself so i dont have to accept that i did it on purpose. after i did it she left and i tried to kill myself, but the knife i tried to use was too dull. so i sharpened it, but by then i didnt feel like it, so i just cut myself on my chest alot. then i went to her and talked to her. i just want things to be like they were before. she says that we dont put butterflies in each others stomachs or want to spend every minute with heach other like we once did. i told her that that changes in every relationship and you have to work on it to keep things fresh, but she seems like she has made her mind up. she says she doesnt want to stay with me just for our son. i dont know what to do. why are these things so hard? and how do you know when to trust your feelings? they lie! i'm so confused.

I also feel this way alot. That I'll never be the best and that I'll always be last and that I'm sub-par at best in everything that I do. And that nothing will EVER change. ](*,)

This weekend I spent everyday holding my son and playing with him. And I saw it in his eyes. That I belong here and that I have a purpose. Even though he's too young to understand, I told him that he saved my life. =) I don't see it getting any easier anytime soon, but maybe if I try hard enough it will eventually.

=( Why is this so hard?

He is the best. He's my whole world. And he's all that's kept me hanging on this long. He's the best thing that ever happened to me. I play with him all the time. And we watch movies and laugh and do silly stuff and I take care of him. But everyone acts like I don't do anything for him. They act like I'm a horrible parent. Maybe theyre right. Now I'm convinced that he'll be better off without me. I don't want to be like my dad and make him feel like garbage. I'm so scared of ending up just like my father. I love him so much and I don't want to do that to him. I just want him to understand that this is what I think is for the best.

I'm still here. For the moment. I decided that hanging was no good. Not effective enough. Plus it has to look like some sort of accident or my son won't get my insurance money. As for my wife, she is in love with someone else. She says that she loves me more and wants to work it out, but that's a lie. She wants to be with him, i know it. I asked for help about this and no one cared. My son doesn't even like me that much. He's a year old. He never wants to come near me or be with me. Everyone makes sure to note this when around. He'll be better off without me, and I'm sure my wife will find a better replacement for me anyhow. He'll soon forget me completely. I do love him more than anything. I want him to be taken care of. Apparently my being around is not good for him. Everyone hates me. My wife and I have been in counseling and it hasnt helped. We just sit there not saying anything. It's a joke. I'm a joke. I've been in individual therapy for almost a year. I started making progress then it all crumbled. It's useless. Everyone will be better off. No one listens to me. No one cares. I have everything to say. But no one ever listens. I'm never first. I'm always behind. ALWAYS. Let my own lack of a voice be heard. I'm hideously ugly. My dad hates me. He has always told me that he hates me and that i ruined his life by being born and that having kids is the biggest mistake you can make. the mistake = me. My mom loves me and I love her, but she'll have to understand and get over it. I'm overweight. I look like i'm pregnant. All I do is listen to my indie rock folk and watch obscure foreign films. Alone. I have so much in me to let out, but no one takes notice. So whats the point. Besides, it's tradition. Not cowardice. Samurai would do it. They weren't cowards. They were incredibly brave. I'm tired of being so weak and unnoticed and ignored and overlooked. I can't take it anymore. I'm so sick of everything. It's time to just say hello to the big goodbye.

This is it. I'm bored to death. I have no friends.. I'm horribly miserable. I've been screaming for someone to help me and no one cares. Even online. I've posted here and other forums and I get no response. If no one cares then whatever. I'm all alone. Less than 5% of the cosmos is made up of the same materials that compose human life. I just want to sleep forever. And now I will. Everyone will be better off without me. No one here wanted to help me after I begged for it. I'll disappear and you'll never have to see me again. You're born. You're miserable. You die. What a boring cycle. Why not just end it now? I'm gonna break that cycle. When I finish typing this I'm going to write a letter to my wife. Then I'm going to hang myself. Goodbye cruel world.

If you've seen any of the posts I've made about my problems with my wife, you know that we've recently gotten back together after quite a long separation. And now I'm having alot of jealousy issues about her being friends with the guy she was dating while we were apart. today i thought i was going to lose it for sure and i thought i was going to have a complete breakdown. and then... it happened. it just came to me. I've been having a pretty hard time adapting and changing my ways that i'm so heavily set into. i know that i'm wrong. i need to change and it's for the best. i'm always down and it sucks. i fail to see the humor in life anymore. i used to find humor and lightheartedness in every situation. now i take everything way too seriously and i dwell on it until i make myself sick i'm so miserable. i can't live like this anymore. i just can't. there has to be a drastic change. "the enemy is within. don't confuse you with him" what i'm doing isnt working. it has never worked, obviously. and all i do is just get all sad and depressed that it doesnt work and try the same thing over and over again and keep getting deeper and deeper into an all time low depression about how it doesnt work. something needs to change and it isnt going to just happen. i have to take control of my life. i have to make the change happen in order for me to be happy and in order for everything to start working out. i'm just not exactly how to do that. and i'm afraid. that i'll fail. i've lived my entire life not doing things or not trying things because of the excuse "i didn't know what to do/i don't know how" or because of this massive fear of failure and rejection i have. but pretty soon i'm gonna wake up and i'm gonna be 60 and my entire life will have passed me by and it will be full of regret and it will be pathetic and no one will care and they shouldnt because it will have only been because i was a coward. i can't be that anymore. i can't spend the rest of my life hiding and hoping that things are going to happen to me and change for me and work themselves out for me. i have to take control of my life now. i know that everyone is insecure and jealous and it's human nature, but i have to stop dwelling on it and not let it get to me so much that i just dig myself into a grave that i eventually won't get out of. i have to make change. and not let these things get to me so bad. i have to make things right. because if i dont do it no one ever will, and if i dont do it now then the chance might disappear in a whirlwind of excuses. i know i can do it, i just have to set my mind to it and do it before i lose my wife and everything that's important to me and wake up bitter old and alone. thanks for listening to my rant. i just wanted to get this off my chest. =)

Usually I do high intensity calesthenics, like circuit training type stuff, then I run about 3 miles. I'm not a fitness guru, but from what I gather this is the type of excercise that helps lose weight.

I'm 21 right now. From the time I was 15 or 16 I've weighed between 140 and 144. Well in July I moved accross the country back to where I'm originally from, and I've put on a good bit of weight since. I now weigh about 175. That's 30 lbs. I work out for an hour at lest 4-5 times a week, so I know I'm healthy. But I have a bit of a gut. I've always had high metabolism and I was always extremely hyper, but now I'm starting to calm down alot and my body's slowing down I guess. I've also always been scared of being overweight. I already work out, but the weight won't come off. I didn't feel bad about it for a while, because I told myself that most of the weight was muscle from me working out all the time. But that's not true, and I know that now. It's fat. I've been toying with the idea of becoming bulemic. If you've seen any of my other posts, then you've seen that I've been pretty much hitting bottom in my life. So I was just hoping that someone out there would have some suggestions or advice or words of wisdom or anything before I move on to the next low.

I feel your pain.

I'm going to see my therapist in about 30 minutes. I feel like no one in the world cares...

For the full story please read these two threads I've posted about them. I honestly don't know what to do. She says she loves this guy. But she chooses me. But for how long? Why does she need to be friends with him?!?! I have no reason to not trust her. But I don't trust him. I just want him to disappear. errrrrr. Please read about my situation and let me know what you think. I'm getting pretty desperate.

I started seeing a therapist a few months ago before we decided to get back together and started addressing the cutting issue, etc. Before I started therapy I started on meds. I went through Zoloft and Wellbutrin before settling on my current 40mg. of Lexapro. Alot of things have happened lately. read here to see. I just want to get through this in one piece. I want things to be like they used to. I want her to be with me because she wants to be, not because I'm her safety net but all the while she's longing to be with this other guy. errrr.... I want to die. I hate myself for creating this situation and for ever hurting her and for putting her in this place. I can't be mad at her because the only reason she feels this way is because I screwed everything up and gave her the opportunity to feel this way. I hate myself and everything that I am and do. The urge to hurt myself is becoming stronger with every breath that I take.

I'm sort of at least a half step ahead of you. I started seeing a therapist a few months ago before we decided to get back together and started addressing the cutting issue, etc. Before I started therapy I started on meds. I went through Zoloft and Wellbutrin before settling on my current 40mg. of Lexapro. I just want to get through this in one piece. I want things to be like they used to. I want her to be with me because she wants to be, not because I'm her safety net but all the while she's longing to be with this other guy. errrr.... I want to die. I hate myself for creating this situation and for ever hurting her and for putting her in this place. I can't be mad at her because the only reason she feels this way is because I screwed everything up and gave her the opportunity to feel this way. I hate myself and everything that I am and do.