Self Discoverer

Hello Amelia I've been folowing your postings and I feel for you Last year I was in the exactly the same position as your current BF is at the moment. The parallels have frightened me and your current anguish has really struck a chord. Without wanting to hijack your thread, I hope this may help. The 'love of my life' broke up with me after a seven month relationship last June. She was 34 and I was 29 so of comparable ages to you. Her ex had broken yup with her a year prior to us getting together and was four years older than her. I've found all these parallels spooky. Although we didn't talk about it I know that she was still in contact with her ex. Things went exceptionally well (almost too well) for 6 months before she seemed to be under a lot of pressure and started holding me at arms length. She went away for a week, ostensibly to think about things in her career and her studies, but I knew that our relationship was also on her thoughts. When she returned a spark seemed missing. Within a couple of weeks, and after some soul searching, she had broken up with me. When she first broached it we talked and were communicating more openly than we had for a few weeks. She went away to think about it before coming back a couple of days later firmly resolved to end our relationship. I don't know what she was going through but it does appear that she had met somebody else or had gone back to her ex for whom she had unresolved feelings. You really need to think about what you really want. I don't think you're being fair to your current bf and neither is your ex. I know you recognise this. I think the best thing to do would be to take time away from both of them to really think about who it is you want without any distractions. It will be hard for all concerned but you can't continue as you are. Once you've got a clear head about what you want then maybe you can go back to a healthy relationship with who is best for you. It won't be the same (and you can't guarantee that whoever you choose may move on) but it is the fairest thing to do. Either way hearts are going to be broken and there's no easy way to deal with that. I am really sorry for what you're going through Take care

Hello bubbamackdaddy I've followed your story. It's been a heartbreaking odyssey that too many of us will recognise. It is difficult to break off with someone and your case is a classic example of a 'rebound'. I think you realise that and you are doing the right thing in ending it if you have no romantic feelings toward her. Whatever you reasons for calling it a day, remember that being given the proverbial elbow by a partner (no matter how lighthearted the relationship) is often the source of much humiliation for the person who is subject to the action of being broken up with. The person you wish to leave may react to the news with tears, accusations and even threats. So try to deliver the news with as much kindness as possible. (This might be particularly hard if the partner has been behaving in a manner that you consider inappropriate for a relationship). Be human, considerate and civil. A list of dos and don'ts in breaking up a relationship: Do Talk face-to-face if given the choice. Breaking up over the phone is only acceptable in the case of very long-distance relationships. In case the partner is away for a short time, wait until their return to break the news. Tell them that this in no way alters the feelings you had for them at one time, but that was then and this is now. Return all personal effects that your soon-to-be-ex partner may have left around at your place (this also helps the healing process in the post-breakup period). Keep your really, really nasty feelings for yourself. You will be glad you did so in retrospect. Offer your friendship, if possible. Don't Do a disappearing act: it is not nice to leave people hanging on the phone and/or e-mail. E-mail your decision (see above). Act out of revenge: even if your partner has been very nasty to you (especially if they have been very nasty) there is only a very narrow chance that any revenge will teach them a lesson. Breaking up civilly with somebody who has done you wrong more than gets the point accross. Boiling their favourite pet or telling everybody that they slept with their best friend's sibling unbeknownst to their best friend is not a very good idea. Keep anything that they may want to have returned to them for over a week. Should you be unable to return everything at once, tell them where and when you will return their personal effects. If necessary, ask a mutual friend to act as intermediary. Try to blame them for your decision, especially if it's none of their fault (ie, you simply do not wish to keep seeing them in a sexual and/or romantic way). Demand that you be friends, that the switch to friendship status take place immediately and thus proceed to tell them all about your new partner and the really kinky things they can do with mayonnaise. Similarly, do not be offended if they do not accept your proposal. Friendship with an ex partner is rare, and is often built over time. Yu have the experience of having your own heartbroken. Just treat her the way that you would want to be treated. Now truly heal yourself and move on.

Hi there Well you can see this in one of two ways Either You can view the attention as being teased and get shy and embarrassed about what these girls are saying to you Or You can see all this as playful banter to be knocked back. Treat it as a game in which you both end up having a bit of fun out of and where you don't feel victimised or persucuted. My impression is that you seem to have the confidence to know what yo do and don't want but do you portray this to others. In any case it's up to you to decide your own destiny

Hello Street I'm pleased that you're back with your girlfriend now but one thing that I get from your post is that the issues surrounding your break up haven't been resolved. She broke up with you for a reason. Can you honestly say what the problems were and have they ruly been addressed. If they haven't then things can only deteriorate. There is a possibility that she is feeling guilty about breaking your heart and that guilt is the only reason she came back. IF that is the case then the relationship cannot have much of a future. If you love her then stand by her but at this stage I would be prepared for the worst. It does sound like she doesn't reallly know what she wants at the moment. Good luck

Hiya Buffalosoldier, good to see you back Firstly, the key to any relationship is communication. If you're really worried about how your bf genuinely feels about you then maybe it's time to sit down and have a real heart to heart with him. Tell him how mcuh you love him and tell him that you need some reassurance that he feels the same way. Just because he doesn't love you in the same way that you love him, it does not necessarily mean that he doesn't love you with all that he's got. You really have nothing to lose. You can't continue the way you are. I was the same and I was so scared of losing my ex that I held back on telling her how much I loved her and I didn't want to do anything for fear that she would dump me. In the end she did anyway. There is NOTHING you can do to make him feel love towards you. He either loves you or he doesn't. Your actions are immaterial. Although you may well drive him away if you let fear take hold and stop being yourself. It was this person after all that he chose in the first place. I would talk to him first but if you are not happy in the relationship then you need to face the possibility of moving on. You have to put your own happiness first. It sounds selfish but there isn't any alternative. I'm guessing that this is your first serious relationship. It is scary the first time you reach this stage when there's much uncertainty about the future. Just roll with it buffalo and you WILL prevail (and a lot stronger for it) Take care

Hello Senna I saw this post and thought I must reply. During the summer of 1994 I discovered a band called Minxus who brought out a single called 'Steal, Steal, Steal' which is still one of my favourite songs. I saw them play live several times that summer and it was in awe at the music they produced. It was all part of a time in my life when I was at the happiest I had been at that point in time. Then the next January my world came crashing down around me when I was diagnosed at an advanced stage of End Stage Renal Failure and my chances of survival were fairly slim. I started dialysis and came out of hospital a week later. One of the first things I did was buy Minxus' debut album 'Pabulum' and the sheer beauty of this record inspired me and gave me hope for the future. I am sure that this record played a large part in my survivial at that time, giving me the impetus to fight for the future.

"I cherish every moment that I spend with you"

Hello Routerx I think I can understand where you're coming from. I was always very happy and independent when I was in my late teens and twenties. This was partly borne of circumstance and partly my own psychological make up. It was only when I met who I thought to be the love of my life that I saw the value of being there for somebody else and vice versa. I'm pleased that you see this as well. There isn't any trick to giving up your independence, it is a case of slowly changing life patterns that have become habitual over time. I agree with the other posters that you need to keep an open mind and not be afraid of change or of not being in control. If I can suggest something, you seem to know where you are (not many do) and where you want to be. Write these down as succinctly as you can and it may become clear as to what you need to do to get there. I'm sorry I can't be specific but I wish you luck on your journey

Hello Frodo One of the best break-up lyrics for me is Carole King's "It's Too Late" on the album Tapestry. Simple, but it says it all. Stayed in bed all morning just to pass the time There's something wrong here there can be no denying One of us is changing or maybe we've just stopped trying And it's too late, baby, now it's too late Though we really did try to make it Something inside has died and I can't hide And I just can't fake it Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no It used to be so easy living here with you You were light and breezy and I knew just what to do Now you look so unhappy and I feel like a fool And it's too late, baby, now it's too late Though we really did try to make it Something inside has died and I can't hide And I just can't fake it There'll be good times again for me and you But we just can't stay together don't you feel it too Still I'm glad for what we had and how I once loved you But it's too late, baby, now it's too late Though we really did try to make it Something inside has died and I can't hide And I just can't fake it Oh, it's too late, my baby It's too late, now darling It's too late

Hi Crookster_Man I agree that positive self talk is vital in allowing us to achieve our goals. For example, if I say 'Don't read the previous sentence', the very fact that it has been mentioned has drawn your attention to it and I bet that your eyes wandered over the previous sentence. Similarly, telling yourself, for example, that 'I must not fail this exam' will draw attention to failure and set your self conscious thinking about failure which will reduce confidence in passing the exam. If however, you tell yourself that 'I will pass this exam' sets the mind thinking about success and boosts confidence. Of course it won't guarantee that you will pass, that is due to hard work, but it will increase chances of succeeding. Stating postiive affirmations every morning is a great way to make you feel good about yourself and help you make the most of your life. It also helps you decide what you want from life.

Hi SweetyPie I can understand your frustration. In many ways I was on the opposite end of all this. I adored my ex, was caring, romantic, considerate, respectful of her and in the end it didn't change anything. She 'fell out of love' with me and dumped me. It didn't matter how well I treated her. The opposite is true with loving somebody who treats you badly. The problem is that love for somebody is not altered by the way that your significant other treats you. A lot of men ( and women for that matter) know that they can get away with being a complete slob and that once they've got their feet under the table it will give their partner a lot of heartache for them to up sticks and leave them. Don't worry, we're not all like that and there are guys who respect ther fairer sex. If you're speaking from experience, hang in there SweetyPie. Kiss enough frogs and one day your prince will come.

Hi, Thanks for your replies. They've all been very thoughtful and insightful. Here are my five, hopefully withiut sounding like a personals ad! [list=]1. I am very intelligent. I don't make a point of displaying this (out of shyness), but it becomes apparent to those I know (which I find quite embarrassing, although I do take umbrage at those who doubt this) 2. I am good looking although I didn't recognise this in my prime and I thought the admiring glances I got in the street were par for the course. It's only recently that I realised that they weren't 3. I've a boundless enthusiasm for life despite, or perhaps because, of going through an awful lot of torment in my past. 4. I'm very kind hearted and I have never held a grudge against anybody. 5. I have the ambition to want to make a positive contribution to the world in some way. God, this makes me sound big headed (lol) Like SweetyPie, my biggest drawback is lack of confidence. I need to care less about what I'm doing and what others think and get on with becoming who I am in my own mind. Keep the replies coming and may everyone her prosper and be happy in 2004

Hello Tallo Firstly, I don't know how you can say that you love her when you're not in a committed relationship. It sounds like you've got a crush to me. I would certainly not do anything for the time being. You sound like an honourable guy, but how on earth would you feel if you were her boyfriend? She may believe that she loves you both but it's possible that she's confused about what she wants at the moment. She needs to work that out for herself without you confusing matters. She's chosen to be with her current bf and until she decided what she wants I would let things be. If she's telling you that she loves you then that is being really unfair on you and hurtful to her boyfriend who deserves none of this. A girlfriend recently broke up with me and I suspect that she had found somebody else before we broke up, finally leaving him for me (not thta she told me this). I can't begin to tell you how painful that was to have to accept.

Hi Needafriend The saying in full is It's important that you you can accept that they were never yours in the first place if they choose not to come back. That is a very difficult thing to do. In searching for inspiration, it sounds like you're clinging on to hope (which may or may not be there) when the only way to deal with a break up is to look after yourself. Letting somebody go who wants out is the only way of maintaining any self respect and any respect in the eyes of the one who (once) loved you. Without that, you can almost guarantee that they won't come back. If they respect you, then it is for them to decide (at a later date) whether or not they still love you. It's nothing to do with you and that saying is encapsulating that. Having said all this I recently got in touch with a girl who's heart I broke after eight years of 'No Contact'. Over the last six months we've developed a very close friendship and that relationship is far healthier than anything we had before when we had plans to spend the rest of our lives together. And anything could happen in the future. I think it's too strong to say that things are fated, but you have to accept that ones future is influenced by factors outside of your control.

Hello everyone A short question to get you thinking about what you plan to do to make the New Year great for you What five things do you love about yourself? What one thing is missing from this list? And what are you going to do to ensure that you can include it this time next year? Happy New Year to you all