It seems that winning in this circumstance is a goal that seems not to be easily obtainable. If what you are trying to accomplish is "winning" your wife behave in more acceptable way, then there is no chance of winning. We cannot expect people to live up to our expectations or even change to meet them.
Your wife seems very unhappy and maybe the marriage has not lived up to her expectations. She seems to be one who has closed down, put up a huge emotional wall, and directed her anger towards the person she sees as responsible for her unhappiness, you. Which is often the case even if it is unfair. She may have a great deal of pain inside of her which is coming forth in emotions such as anger, hostility, resentment, and so on. She has given up trying to have the marriage the way she believes that she deserves it. When this is the case, blame and complain are usually the duo that present themselves.
Has your wife had a history or family history of depression? Is she going through perimenopause (which can last for years)? This is not the say that these are the reason for her discontent and the blame can be put there. They are many possibilities. If you bring this up to her, you better stand back for the response. She will vehenemtly deny anything like this and chastise you for looking for excuses for why you are so hard to live with. Check out Ann Rice's website, depressionfallout for her unofficial signs of depression.
If you want to see the worst case scenario of this dynamic, look to my story!