Hi everyone
I'm new to the forum and am hoping to receive some advice from some of you kind people. Apologies for the longish post.
I'm still reeling from my partner's recent revelation that he's not happy in our relationship after 8 (wonderful) years together. We've been together since we were 21 and have survived so many difficulties - including living in different cities for 5 years and in different countries for one year. We have lived together for the past 3.5 years. I've felt from the beginning that he was my soul mate and still believe strongly that he is the one for me, and I believe that he has always felt the same. So I couldn't believe it when he told me a few weeks ago that he was considering that we should separate.
He has been out of work for over a year - he keeps busy - in fact goes to work (he's an academic) but hasn't been getting paid. So I've been (happily) paying for pretty much everything for several months now. He has become more an more depressed in recent months - and I believe that the unemployment and the fact that he's always had low self esteem - are the main causes of this. After spending 2 months visiting a university overseas, he returned and quite suddenly seems to have decided that 'something has changed' in how he feels and he's not sure that he can ever get that 'old feeling' back again. He admits that he's not sure if it's the depression that is clouding his judgment of our relationship and if it is making everything in his life seem negative and black. Of course no relationship is perfect but we have both - up till now - believed that we had something unique and special. At first I was quite understanding and he moved out for week to 'think about things' and then returned. But then a week and a half ago things became bad again - he found living with me unbearable and he was going to leave and then I became a bit hysterical and accused him of abandoning me and giving up on our relationship and how I'd never find anyone who could make me as happy again etc. etc. I've also tried reasoning and pleading (all things that the e-book 'Stop your divorce' advises against - anyone read it?), to no avail, in fact this has probably pushed him even further away. He is still living with me but is quite distant and I've been scared to ask him since how he's feeling. I'm trying to give him space and not pressurise him etc. but I just don't know what to do. 'Stop your divorce' suggests that my pledging my undying love etc. is the worse thing I can do right now and that people with low self esteem can get so low that they can develop a subconscious contempt for the person 'stupid' enough to love them. Any thoughts on that idea? He doesn't want to take antidepressants or see a therapist but I don't know how he's going to begin to think positively and hopefully about our relationship until his depression lifts. Of course it's not quite as simple as I make out her and I must take responsibilty for making some things worse, but I'll stop now for the sake of brevity.
Has anyone had (or has) a similar experience? Or has any advice on the best thing I can do to help save our relationship, or at least stop myself from damaging it more with unhelpful behaviour? Of course I also want to help him but I don't how possible it is to lift someone out of depression.
thanks in advance
