Dumpers How do you switch off your feelings so easily?

[PrincessDiana]

For those that leave relationships or abandon their mates, please tell us sufferers how you are able to turn off your emotions so quickly and efficiently when leaving a relationship. What steps do you take prior to ending the relationship and then afterwards so you don't hurt or feel pain.

 

Thanking you for your time in advance and please do take the time to expound as it might help those of us that are suffering from this type of treatment from our exes. It might give us a better understanding so we can heal ourselves too.

[Satsuma]

Well i could turn my emotion off easily and quickly because my ex treated my badly and i had to get out of the relationship. I had no feelings for him except anger because of what he did and was like so for my situation it was easier to get rid of the emotion. But sometimes i do get bad memories. I just thought that there is no reason to think about him and i should move on which i did, plus i use NC to make it easier.

[Beec]

Someone who dumps someone else had the feelings turned off before the dumping. We go for people who meet our emotional needs and wants, while remaining independent. If someone is not meeting your needs, then after a while you dump them. The feelings are gone, which is why the dumping occurs. They don't disappear afterward.

[Jayar]

Keep in mind that dating (in the broadest sense, for most people who follow society's regulations) is the interview/probation period that either leads up to marriage, or does not. thereforeeee it either ends at some point or it does not (at least not BEFORE the expensive gown, tux, cake, and ultimately the lawyer).

 

Whenever I have ended a relationship in the past it was because I did not see it going into Forever After for WHATEVER reason. It may have happened after a week, month, or year(s). It may have been something I tried to work through or something I knew wasn't going to be tolerable for me. In any case I don't EVER view it as "abandoning a mate".

 

The phrase you use "abandoing a mate" (while completely understandable because you are hurting) suggests that there was little or no valid reason, and whoever left you did so out of selfishness and greed. I've been hurt before (recently, 6 months ago) and I see now that it was a benefit to me. I'd choose being dumped to being divorced any day of the week.

 

The important thing that I think many people lose sight of is that dating is DATING. It doesn't mean forever. It doesn't mean to "work on" or "wether through" the bad times! It means you go into something, think "can it work forever?" if yes you keep going... If no, then you GET OUT! You "work on" and "wether through" things after you've been married to someone for a decade, not when you've been dating them for 6 months.

 

The above is my personal opinion. It is intended to maximize my chances of meeting the right person for me, and minimize the likelihood I will spend months/years with someone who is so clearly wrong for me, solely out of a desire not to "abandon" them.

 

Hope it is what you were looking for. Best of luck in healing!

[sidehop]

I left my ex six months ago and was the only time I dumped anyone. I was usually the one being dumped.

 

It was still very hard to come to that point, I agonized for days, not wanting to hurt her feelings but also I was not happy, knowing that I did not see myself being with her in the future. It almost felt like a responsibility as I felt she was being lead on.

 

The only thing I'm hoping now is that she's found someone happy even though we have not had a contact since the day I told her it won't work out.

[Orlander]

...and it's all the more reason when/if you do get dumped to immediately leave that person if possible and begin NC as soon as you can.

 

 

Orlander

[Zaphod]

Hmmm.... why do you split seeing someone into either "dating" or "marriage"? Plenty of couples out there live together and will be together for their lives without getting married.

Also, rising divorce rate would indicate that marriage is not actually the solid institution we all think it is. It doesn't guarantee you staying together.

 

If a couple are partners but not married, it doesn't mean that they can't work on their relationship, commit to each other, and see each other through the hard times. In fact if they're not married perhaps they will not feel the pressure of having to stay and thereforeeee end up a healthier couple? Just a different angle there.

 

I'm getting really surprised at the number of people that think marriage is "forever" and the place to which seeing someone leads up to - I'm not sure whether for me that would be a healthy way to conduct my relationships personally .....

[melrich]

Hmmm.... why do you split seeing someone into either "dating" or "marriage"?

 

Yes I agree. The OP is talking about a relationship. Not dating.

 

I don't think dumpers do completely switch off their emotions. The emotions are just not as strong as the dumpess and they have more control over them.

 

Also in my experience, the dumper has usually given themselves some time to prepare for he break up whereas the dumpee is often blindsided.

[Beec]

I'm getting really surprised at the number of people that think marriage is "forever" and the place to which seeing someone leads up to - I'm not sure whether for me that would be a healthy way to conduct my relationships personally .....

 

Thinking marriage is forver is the onyl healthy way to think of a marriage. A long term relationship is real work and effort. If you can just get out of it, it's not really a marriage.

[EvaGina]

You're not turning your emotions off, just being staunch.

If you show emotion and remorse, then you are accused of playing games.

You have to be cold to avoid mixed signals.

 

and yes, marriage is FOREVER... there is no going back... no divorce...

If I ever get married, thats it, no one else, ever.

[kate111]

^ you say marriage is forever. What happens if your partner changes and becomes abusive or cheats on you?

[Mun]

Usually for me by the time I get around to breaking up with someone I've thought it over for awhile....and the feelings have been fading for some time ...... so it's not so difficult to walk away then

[EvaGina]

^ you say marriage is forever. What happens if your partner changes and becomes abusive or cheats on you?

 

thats different. I cant see that happening unless s/he becomes addicted to crack or becomes depressed or somthing.

IF I have children, I would get out straight away, but I would have hte marriage annuled, I woudlnt get divorced.

 

It doesnt even occur to me that my husband/wife may cheat on me, it doesnt work like that for me and I wouldnt marry someone who didnt have the same view of matrimony as I do

 

if there was ANY doubt, I wouldnt do it.

[caro33]

I agree with the others that dumpers do not go from 100% to zero after the dumping - as melrich said the difference is that the dumper has had time to think about it and the dumpee has been blindsided. To the surprised dumpee you have all that loss and grief to deal with simultaneously with the shock of what happened etc.

 

For what it's worth, the one time I dumped someone (hate that term by the way, it's so emotionally loaded) I became terribly upset. I felt sick for ages and hated myself. Took up smoking and punished myself. The reason I broke up with him was because we were best friends who took it further, and I regretted it. The sexual spark wasn't there and it got to the stage where I dreaded being alone with him. I loved him to bits but could not have a relationship with him.

 

There are different types of dumpers; a whole spectrum of contexts and personality types. The dumpers I know and am friends with go through a lot of introspection and self-doubt, and the guilt stays for a long, long time. There are cruel dumpers, betraying dumpers, but it's not everyone.

 

I think Jayar made a good point also, for some people the breaking up happens because enough time has passed to see you like the person but don't see a real future in it. You gave it a red hot go but the magic ingredient wasn't there. It does become a marriage issue. Breaking up hurts like hell but isn't it best to not be living a sham, or staying in a relationship that won't go anywhere?

[EvaGina]

For what it's worth, the one time I dumped someoneI became terribly upset.

 

Yup... I would MUCH rather have my heart broken than break someone elses...

[Scout]

Anyone I've ever broken up with...and there haven't been that many...I lost the feelings for gradually. I do not have the capacity to turn feelings on and off. My feelings are dictated by how others and certain circumstances make me feel.

[Scout]

Also in my experience, the dumper has usually given themselves some time to prepare for he break up whereas the dumpee is often blindsided.

 

Hmmm...I personally think a lot of dumpees are blindsided because they close their eyes to the signs that have long been apparent.

[janeok]

Are there any dumpers out there who just dumped someone because they were not ready for a commited relationship? In other words, they liked the person, maybe even loved the person, but they wanted to go sow their wild oats and was not ready for the long term thing.

[melrich]

I personally think a lot of dumpees are blindsided because they close their eyes to the signs that have long been apparent.

 

Oh yeah, absolutely. There are nearly always signs.

 

It doesn't matter why they are blindsided, fact is that most are.

[Scout]

It doesn't matter why they are blindsided, fact is that most are.

 

Well, what I meant is that most of them really aren't. In my opinion.

[melrich]

Well, what I meant is that most of them really aren't. In my opinion.

 

Oh so you are saying most see the signs and are prepared for being dumped?

 

I guess that happens. In my experience it is the other way around. Maybe subconsciously they have a mental process going on that "something's not quite right".

 

Hard to say really. Most seem genuinely surprised at what happened.

[caro33]

It can be a form of self-delusion can't it - you know there's a problem but you hope against hope it's not terminal. They'll come to their senses and treat you properly, or all you need to do is change something yourself and all will be right. You might think you are both trying to make it work.

 

I think even if you know it's on the cards no one wants to be the one rejected. You want to be the decision-maker not the decision-taker. It affects your ego and sense of control and leaves you breathless even if you know you were already unhappy on some level.

 

In my biggest case I was completely blindsided - he'd been unsure a few times early in the relationship, but it had been a few years of constant good stuff and we were engaged. I knew he was focussing heavily on things that didn't involve me, but he always had. He also kept telling me sweet things and making plans right up to the last minute. I just assumed we were family and any issues affecting us were external and would be sorted out in due course.

[melrich]

Yeah the 3 times I copped it I was blindsided. In hindsight though I could see that in reality I should not have been.

[blender]

The way someone chooses to dump someone and leave, has nothing to do with the "dumpee" or the "feelings of the dumper" it's say so much more about WHO THE DUMPER IS, and their own "life pattern" then it does about you... a break up is difficult enough and when the person leaving you is a "worthwhile mature sincere person" they usually meet with you face to face, shed some tears, and express sincere remorse and reasons as to why they feel they can not stay in the relationship".. if this type of ending does not take place, and they just dump, run, and start a new relationship..well then you can "thank god" they left you..because it's most likely this pattern in THIER LIFE will be repeated, over and over again....

 

The most healing thing for you to do is to NOT take it PERSONALLY, but to take it "practically" that it's just the "way" the dumper is emotionally immature, irresponsible, and not loyal, long lasting relationship quality... they are the type that love "newness" and once it gets old and they are required to be emotionally authentic and responsible they run... and thank god they do....

[PrincessDiana]

I was completey and totally blindsided when he suddenly abandoned me during an illness only to find out that he had been cheating with someone married, living with her husband, an addict with a young child and 20 years younger than me for 6 months prior. But during those 6 months, he continued building life with me, talking marriage, looking at real estate, taking trips together, with me every night and weekend....he did his dirty deeds during working hours. But the very last night together, there was his hand in the night in the dead of his sleep...searching for me as it always has every night for 6 years.

 

I was absolutely totally blindsided with no clues whatsoever.