engaged, but something just doesn't feel right

[here]

I'm 26, we've been together for 2 years, living together for a little more than 1, and have been engaged for 7 months. Wedding is set in October.

 

I don't know where to start. I have trouble staying happy. I go through great ups and downs. When I'm up everything is fine and I am accepting and loving and can see how bright our future is. When I'm down, i'm critical and can see all our problems and struggles stretching out before us and get obssessed over whether I should jump ship or not.

 

Unlike many who have posted here --- I have no huge problem with her in-laws, except that they are many and live close by (my family is small and far away). What I am dealing with is complicated of course. One big worry about the future is that she has an autoimmune disease, lupus probably. So she is sometimes sick and often tired. On top of this she has to work quite a bit to pay off loans and debt that are partly due to her screwed up father and cruel ex-boyfriend. So she's very busy and often a little sick (achy back, skin rashes, headaches, upset stomach). Next she has ADD, whereas I can be anal and detail oriented -- she is often absent minded. This has caused many unpleasent conversations about house chores and so on. She is now aware of and is working on the ADD thing.

 

in short --- when she isn't busy, she is tired --- meanwhile I'm playing music in 3 bands and am often surrounded by people who are really loose and are passionate about music, like me. She's not into big crowds and likes my music, but left to her own devices, wouldn't lean towards it. so this creates two separate worlds I exist in. The one with her - isn't as much fun. We can talk up a storm and do manage to have fun -- but it's calm fun. It's never anything out of the ordinary -- mostly because we're both really tired at the end of the day, and on the weekends.

 

next, because of her being tired and sick -- she doesn't make any effort to dress nicely (sexy) or act sexy or anything like that. I need sex a lot more than she does. I don't want to be left thinking about all the cute girls at the rock shows -- I want her to be the cute girl at my rock show.

 

so, i've been in a cycle for a long time of feeling good about everything, and then feeling really depressed - like I'd be happier by myself. I've thought about leaving -- but she needs me so so much. She has a chronic disease --- she doesn't have many close friends. and I do love her. She deserves so much out of life. Her life has been terrible in the past (crazy dad, bad ex-boyfriends) --- I just want her to be happy. She has so much baggage to work through with the issues with her father. I can tell that when she finally gets through it, she will be a better person. Developmentally speaking, i'm furhter along than she is. It is getting hard to wait for her to get a grip on her emotional baggage, her ADD, and all the while taking care of her when she is sick.

 

Is it wrong to want to have fun? it's hard to do this with her because there is so much on our plate. I haven't even mentioned money woes.

 

I'm leaving work early to go my shrink right now. wish me luck in making the right decision. I just want to be happy and not feel trapped.

[fnlyfrei]

Wow....why did you ask her to marry you if this was all too much for you? No one wants pity. It seems to me that you should have weighed all of this BEFORE you proposed. You do need to get out sooner than later though...why marry someone when you are not even married and wriggling to be free? It isn't fair to her.

[CarnelianButterfly]

Did you expected her to change when you asked her to marry you?

 

It doesn't sound like you're accepting of to say the least. If you've been together 2 years that's more than long enough to know she's not the same person as you, that she very much seems your opposite. Expecting her to change all that to suit you is unreasonable and not going to happen because of a ring. You need to let her be the person she is or find one of the cute girls at the rock concert that will be more ready to meet your demands.

[southerngirl]

This leaves me feeling very sorry for her. Shes sick. Thats not something she has control over and her whole world may crash down at any moment.

 

What is it that you love about her? What made you fall in love? Try to think of the good things. Has she been good to you?

[Siriana]

She'll stay the way she is forever. Don't marry her based on hope she'll be different in the future.

And, one more thing - more respnosibilites are waiting down the road so it will be even more difficult in the future.

ADD is for life. I am not judging ADD but just saying how you need to accept that if person has ADD some things are not as easy for her as for someone else. You can't expect her to be focused the way you are.

ALso you have every right to feel exhausted and choosing not to deal with it in the long term.

Think twice before getting married.

[Scout]

Hi, here, and welcome to eNotalone. I can't give any kind of informed opinion at this point about your engagement, but did have a few questions.

 

You said she has lupus, "probably." Has she been diagnosed with it yet? If not, has she definitely been diagnosed by a medical professional for some kind of autoimmune disease, and if so, when?

 

Because I am wondering if you found out about this before/after the engagement was made. I'm not judging you either way. It's very easy to sit here and give opinions, but unless one is actually in the situation, who knows how we would deal with it? Marrying someone with a disease implies a commitment to be their caretaker for life. That's a big responsibility.

[Batya33]

I agree to focus on why you fell in love with her in the first place and what changed since then. Is it just that once you got to know her and see spend every day with her the butterflies/spark faded and then it wasn't "fun" anymore?

[Jetta]

You are proof that love isn't always enough. If you can't handle it now you won't be happily married later. You're smart to figure this out before you bring kids into the mix. I hate to say it because I want you to stay with her, but it really isn't the right thing to do if you're having these feelings. You have to think about you. I was thinking about them and ended up married twice only to hurt many later. Had I thought about what I really wanted from the start I would be in a very different place now.

[ghost69]

something had you drawn to her in the beginning. now all of this is repelling you from her. i don't think it will work out in the end. temptation is a part of a relationship that you have to work on keeping away. happiness is something you have to work on maintaining. if you can't do that, don't hurt someone else doing it.

 

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[Jayar]

Count me as one more vote for getting out NOW... Believe me, I'd rather be broken up with now than divorced (or betrayed) later. So would she probably. You aren't compatible. Lupus aside, you aren't happy with her. Go find someone you ARE happy with! There's someone for each of us, they say.

[ratherbesailing]

Here -

 

It really sounds like you need to be open with her and at least put the wedding plans on hold to take some of this pressure off you. Maybe taking away that deadline will allow you to see more clearly whether she can transition out of this tough spot she's in and you can help her along the way. There is no rush. Please do not get married feeling the way you do.

 

If you do decide to leave, realize you aren't the only person in the world for her, there is someone else out there that will be more in synch with her lifestyle and who just wants to veg out at night.

 

There is no wrong decision here, whatever you decide don't feel guilty.

[ghost69]

a lot of people that end up divorced usually say, "i had a feeling before...i shouldn't have gone through with the marriage." so many people get married for the wrong reasons and with mixed feelings. then they bash marriage as some bad thing when it is their own fault. i've seen this happen to many friends.

[anydaynow]

It should feel right. Take some time to talk to her about how you are feeling, and try to correct it. If it doesn't seem to be fixable, or requires more work than it should, than get out of the relationships. I think healthy relationships require routine maintenance, the occasional repair if routine maintenance is not kept up, but never a major overhaul.

[ghost69]

marriage is like growing a nice tree. you trim it when needed, rake up the leaves that fall off, water it, etc. you don't just cut it down and everything is okay. you end up with a stump. hope you are ready to take care of a tree.

[here]

When I wrote the original thread, I admit I was short on time and kind of rushed. It's not as simple as maybe I put forth. We want very similar things out of life - but we're in different places now. She is working so hard to be aware of and take control over the ADD stuff --- she's reading books about it. She's a painter who doesn't have the time to paint, --- there are so many things she feels passionately about, but can't get to them because of work and feeling tired. How can I hold that against her? She was much more active in painting when we first met. In short, her life is in a real tough spot right now -- meanwhile, I'm just as busy as she is with 3 bands and full-time job --- thus making it really hard to tell how our future will be. Which gives me anxiety that I don't know what I'm signing up for. Yes, I love her - but there's so much other stuff to think about. It could be as simple as us needed more time together. Like, for example, we haven't been able to go on any trips together that were longer than a weekend, --- nor have we really worked on any project together -- but these are things that we both want to do and know will be great. If we could just get to them. There's just so much negative or time consuming stuff going on that it's really easy for my pessimistic attitude to take hold -- but when we are able to be together and push all that aside and take the time to connect, things feel good. hence, the up and down. maybe it's as simple as not getting enough postive reinforcement for our relationship.

 

thoughts?

[Scout]

Is it possible you two could scale back your lives a little bit so you could have more time for each other? To get some of these things done? I don't understand what you are on such a hamsterwheel for. Three bands in addition to a full-time job sounds a bit over the top. I can tell you that if neither of you can sacrifice a bit of your time for each other, there's definitely no point in considering marriage. It's just not going to work.

[rocio]

Your schedules may free up in the future, leaving you both less stressed out and leaving more time for you to have fun together. Meanwhile, if she had the time to get back into painting, it sounds like that might make her more interesting to you. However, there are some problems that you've identified that are unlikely to be fixed by good health or time availability:

 

 

Next she has ADD, whereas I can be anal and detail oriented -- she is often absent minded. This has caused many unpleasent conversations about house chores and so on. She is now aware of and is working on the ADD thing.

 

What are you doing to work on being less "anal"? Acting "anal" and "detail oriented" are behaviors that you can change and control. (Trust me, I'm both of those so I know). ADD is not something that she can change. You seem to think that she's the one causing all the problems, and responsible for fixing them.

 

next, because of her being tired and sick -- she doesn't make any effort to dress nicely (sexy) or act sexy or anything like that. I need sex a lot more than she does.

 

Being tired and sick are not excuses for failing to dress nicely or act sexy. It may not be a top priority for her to spend 2 hours getting ready every morning, but she can still take pride in her appearance. I doubt this would change even if she were more healthy or had more time.

 

I've thought about leaving -- but she needs me so so much.

This really worries me. Even if things were to improve in the future, you would always feel like she owed you something. You feel like you're doing her a favor by staying. You're not.

 

Developmentally speaking, i'm furhter along than she is.

 

What do you mean by this? It sounds like you think alot more of yourself than you do of her. You can't look at the obstacles she has to overcome and think "if that were me, I'd have mastered that long ago". You haven't dealt with the things she has and I don't like the way you seem to be comparing your achievements to hers.

 

Basically, I think you two would be better off apart.

[here]

i think i'm going to not waste my time on this board and just talk to my shrink instead. A lot of guessing and assuming goes on when people respond to posts with the intention of saying either "stay" or "leave". Relationships are too complicated to have strangers on the internet give real advice about.

 

Thanks for trying though.

[Scout]

A lot of guessing and assuming goes on when people respond to posts with the intention of saying either "stay" or "leave".

 

I agree those assumptions can be made too quickly, but at the same time, those opinions can change as people learn more details about your situation.

 

And not everyone, myself included, gave you a stay or leave answer. I had asked a couple of questions in my first post which you didn't answer, either.

 

If you are sensitive to certain implications or opinions you've seen here so far, then yes, it might not be a helpful forum for you as you will definitely get people's true opinions and feedback here (albeit it must be given respectfully) and that calls for a certain degree of, not exactly a thick skin, but some open-mindedness.

[rocio]

Of course. We only know what you've told us. We're not psychic. I wonder if I said something that upset you? If so, I apologise.

[here]

scout --- she's been diagnosed with ulcerative colitis, but it looks like it's lupus instead. she's going to a new doctor tomorrow. Yes, I knew about it when I proposed.

 

I know people only know what I tell them -- But i just don't feel like I can tell everything, because it feels very complicated. We both, she and i, wear many different hats, and sometimes we're not on the same wavelength.

 

Yes, I am certainly working on being less detail-oriented and anal.

 

When I said that developmentally she wasn't as far along as I -- I mean that due to a horrible teenage life, and a crappy relationship with her last boyfriend -- I dont' think she's put the same amount of energy into soul-searching and finding out exactly who she is. She is still going through this -- she is just now getting down to the emotional baggage that her dad left her with. At first, she was very clinging to me -- and I assume she was even more so with her last boyfriend. Now, I see some change where she is becoming more of herself, a little everyday. I think this has to do with why how i feel about her is up and down, because she's still coming into being herself -- and I think her best self is still a few years off. It's not that I need her or expect her to change, but that I predict that is where she is heading. Our relationship has given her ground to stand on for the first time since she was a small child. I'm more aware of this than she is --- It's not that I think a lot of myself, and it dont' think that I'm going to carry around this idea that she owes me anything either. I think it's just the way things are. Are you beginning to see how complicated this is?

 

It's easy for me to feel defeated, and at other times easy to feel hopeful --- solely based on how she is doing on emotional bagagge/health/etc... Last night we had good progressive talks about her feelings -- and what she had to say about where she is in life sounded good (not where she is in relation to me, but to health, and her dad, and her past relationships,....) So, I feel good. We connected. Other times, I feel that she gets so caught up in daily to-do lists (work, school) that she doesn't take enough time to be introspective. I think she's just learning to be introspective. Whereas I've been working on making myself into the man I want to be for years and years.

[CarnelianButterfly]

If you knew all of this why propose? You ask her to marry you and now you think about all of these things? These are issues that should have been on your mind before you asked her to be committed to you. She is now emotionally invested and your second guessing is going to do nothing but hurt her.

[Scout]

If you knew all of this why propose? You ask her to marry you and now you think about all of these things? These are issues that should have been on your mind before you asked her to be committed to you.

 

In a perfect world, we would all hold off on proposing/accepting proposals, until we're 100% we are with the right person.

 

But, we're not in a perfect world, and personally, I believe the very idea of marriage can make us start second-guessing, once it sinks in with us that we're definitely headed down that path. It's a big prospect. Better to ask these questions when you have them, then try to pretend they aren't there. At least then, you can deal with them one way or another.

 

I love my boyfriend to pieces, but I have concerns about us marrying one day, too. That doesn't mean we won't, nor does it mean we're not suitable for each other. It just means we have some things to figure out, and hopefully together as a team.

[rocio]

If she were never to arrive at that place you think she's headed (knowing herself, self-awareness, etc..) would you still want to be with her? Putting aside the feeling of obligation and the difficulty of getting out at this point..

 

Personally, from what you've written, I still feel that you should find someone who you feel is more on your level. Balance seems to be lacking in the relationship.

[Scout]

here, so far, I have to say I'm leaning towards hazey amber's advice. There does seem to be a distinct imbalance in several aspects of your relationship, and to be honest, you describe her almost like a shrink would describe one of their patients!

 

It's not your job in a relationship to be someone's savior, you know. Now, I realize this might not come accross the way I mean it to, and it probably sounds kind of heartless. I honestly don't have that intention. But if you find yourself feeling aggravated and impatient with her more and more frequently, and feel, well, somewhat superior/beyond/on a different plane than her in several ways, the basic foundation of mutual respect is missing from this relationship.

 

In my opinion, you could take passion away from a relationship and it could still last and you could still be happy. But if you take respect out of the equation, the relationship is bound to derail at some point.