here

i don't feel obligated. but if i choose not to help, i feel unloving. helping, wanting to help, having to help is a part of love. it's just a drag sometimes -- it gets me down. sometimes it's hard to keep perspective.

scout --- she's been diagnosed with ulcerative colitis, but it looks like it's lupus instead. she's going to a new doctor tomorrow. Yes, I knew about it when I proposed. I know people only know what I tell them -- But i just don't feel like I can tell everything, because it feels very complicated. We both, she and i, wear many different hats, and sometimes we're not on the same wavelength. Yes, I am certainly working on being less detail-oriented and anal. When I said that developmentally she wasn't as far along as I -- I mean that due to a horrible teenage life, and a crappy relationship with her last boyfriend -- I dont' think she's put the same amount of energy into soul-searching and finding out exactly who she is. She is still going through this -- she is just now getting down to the emotional baggage that her dad left her with. At first, she was very clinging to me -- and I assume she was even more so with her last boyfriend. Now, I see some change where she is becoming more of herself, a little everyday. I think this has to do with why how i feel about her is up and down, because she's still coming into being herself -- and I think her best self is still a few years off. It's not that I need her or expect her to change, but that I predict that is where she is heading. Our relationship has given her ground to stand on for the first time since she was a small child. I'm more aware of this than she is --- It's not that I think a lot of myself, and it dont' think that I'm going to carry around this idea that she owes me anything either. I think it's just the way things are. Are you beginning to see how complicated this is? It's easy for me to feel defeated, and at other times easy to feel hopeful --- solely based on how she is doing on emotional bagagge/health/etc... Last night we had good progressive talks about her feelings -- and what she had to say about where she is in life sounded good (not where she is in relation to me, but to health, and her dad, and her past relationships,....) So, I feel good. We connected. Other times, I feel that she gets so caught up in daily to-do lists (work, school) that she doesn't take enough time to be introspective. I think she's just learning to be introspective. Whereas I've been working on making myself into the man I want to be for years and years.

i think i'm going to not waste my time on this board and just talk to my shrink instead. A lot of guessing and assuming goes on when people respond to posts with the intention of saying either "stay" or "leave". Relationships are too complicated to have strangers on the internet give real advice about. Thanks for trying though.

When I wrote the original thread, I admit I was short on time and kind of rushed. It's not as simple as maybe I put forth. We want very similar things out of life - but we're in different places now. She is working so hard to be aware of and take control over the ADD stuff --- she's reading books about it. She's a painter who doesn't have the time to paint, --- there are so many things she feels passionately about, but can't get to them because of work and feeling tired. How can I hold that against her? She was much more active in painting when we first met. In short, her life is in a real tough spot right now -- meanwhile, I'm just as busy as she is with 3 bands and full-time job --- thus making it really hard to tell how our future will be. Which gives me anxiety that I don't know what I'm signing up for. Yes, I love her - but there's so much other stuff to think about. It could be as simple as us needed more time together. Like, for example, we haven't been able to go on any trips together that were longer than a weekend, --- nor have we really worked on any project together -- but these are things that we both want to do and know will be great. If we could just get to them. There's just so much negative or time consuming stuff going on that it's really easy for my pessimistic attitude to take hold -- but when we are able to be together and push all that aside and take the time to connect, things feel good. hence, the up and down. maybe it's as simple as not getting enough postive reinforcement for our relationship. thoughts?

I'm 26, we've been together for 2 years, living together for a little more than 1, and have been engaged for 7 months. Wedding is set in October. I don't know where to start. I have trouble staying happy. I go through great ups and downs. When I'm up everything is fine and I am accepting and loving and can see how bright our future is. When I'm down, i'm critical and can see all our problems and struggles stretching out before us and get obssessed over whether I should jump ship or not. Unlike many who have posted here --- I have no huge problem with her in-laws, except that they are many and live close by (my family is small and far away). What I am dealing with is complicated of course. One big worry about the future is that she has an autoimmune disease, lupus probably. So she is sometimes sick and often tired. On top of this she has to work quite a bit to pay off loans and debt that are partly due to her screwed up father and cruel ex-boyfriend. So she's very busy and often a little sick (achy back, skin rashes, headaches, upset stomach). Next she has ADD, whereas I can be anal and detail oriented -- she is often absent minded. This has caused many unpleasent conversations about house chores and so on. She is now aware of and is working on the ADD thing. in short --- when she isn't busy, she is tired --- meanwhile I'm playing music in 3 bands and am often surrounded by people who are really loose and are passionate about music, like me. She's not into big crowds and likes my music, but left to her own devices, wouldn't lean towards it. so this creates two separate worlds I exist in. The one with her - isn't as much fun. We can talk up a storm and do manage to have fun -- but it's calm fun. It's never anything out of the ordinary -- mostly because we're both really tired at the end of the day, and on the weekends. next, because of her being tired and sick -- she doesn't make any effort to dress nicely (sexy) or act sexy or anything like that. I need sex a lot more than she does. I don't want to be left thinking about all the cute girls at the rock shows -- I want her to be the cute girl at my rock show. so, i've been in a cycle for a long time of feeling good about everything, and then feeling really depressed - like I'd be happier by myself. I've thought about leaving -- but she needs me so so much. She has a chronic disease --- she doesn't have many close friends. and I do love her. She deserves so much out of life. Her life has been terrible in the past (crazy dad, bad ex-boyfriends) --- I just want her to be happy. She has so much baggage to work through with the issues with her father. I can tell that when she finally gets through it, she will be a better person. Developmentally speaking, i'm furhter along than she is. It is getting hard to wait for her to get a grip on her emotional baggage, her ADD, and all the while taking care of her when she is sick. Is it wrong to want to have fun? it's hard to do this with her because there is so much on our plate. I haven't even mentioned money woes. I'm leaving work early to go my shrink right now. wish me luck in making the right decision. I just want to be happy and not feel trapped.